She's So Gone
by Jennaloohoo
Disclaimer: I don't own Arrow, if I did the writing would be a hell of a lot better than the shite that's been filmed and aired for season 5 thus far.
Author's Note: This was quick. This was rushed. It's not betaed. And for all of that, I apologize. I was angry – beyond livid – at tonight's episode (don't believe me, check out my livetweet stream over NerdGirlJen), and I needed to get this out.
Felicity sat at her monitors in the Bunker, silently contemplating her next move. Should she stay hidden in the shadows of vigilantism, or should be hide behind anonymity that hacktivism with Helix could offer.
She couldn't even remember the last time felt so small, like she wasn't a valuable member of Team Arrow anymore. She didn't ever remember feeling so deserted. Not around Thea. Not around John. Not around Sara or Laurel. Not around Curtis, Rene, or Rory. And certainly not around Oliver.
She felt like an afterthought. Like a sidekick. Like an assistant. Like some irritating grain of sand stuck in your privates after a day of nude sunbathing on the coast.
Other than the short affair Sara and Oliver rekindled a few years ago, Felicity Smoak had always felt as if she were an integral member of the Original Team Arrow. Her OTA. Her squad. Her BFFs.
Felicity sighed and spun her chair around twice and glanced around the empty Bunker. She was alone, and if felt the loneliness deeper than she had in a long time. Her thoughts a jumbled mess that she was trying to make sense of, Felicity worried that her next actions would have more repercussions than anticipated, but she couldn't bring herself to mind.
However, the way she'd been sidelined and treated recently made her really rethink the kind of relationship she had with the people around her.
To Rory and Rene, she was their vigilante Mom, always worrying about them and helping them to the best of her ability. To Curtis she was his once-boss, and nerd buddy; someone he could chat about Doctor Who and new technology with. God knows she doesn't know Dinah Drake from Adam, so she can't see a reason to stay from her. And ever since Lyla took over ARGUS, Felicity hardly ever sees her anymore, and knew that their goals hardly ran hand-in-hand nowadays.
Thoughtlessly, Felicity had begun to gather her belongings from the bunker. Seeing that she'd need a box to carry everything out, she went to a closet and grabbed an empty cardboard box, thinking all the way about exactly what and who she was leaving. Turning back to her command center, her tears welled up as she gazed at the Team's suits that had been painstakingly placed back on mannequins. Seeing two identity and body protecting suits that had become as familiar to her as her own wardrobe at home, her heart panged in sadness as she thought of her two oldest and best friends.
John Diggle probably knew Felicity better than anyone, even Oliver. He was there for her from her very first act as Team Hacker, for when Oliver ran away to Lian Yu, for when Oliver left for Nanda Parbat, for when she left Oliver after all incessant lying. Although he tries to be her big brother, he doesn't know just how he his words make her feel so small, hopeless, and powerless.
And Oliver… Her Oliver…
She couldn't think about him right now. If she thinks about Oliver, then she'll want to give him another chance at making everything better, and she really didn't think that he could do that this time. Not after everything. No, she didn't blame him for the death of Billy – which, now that she thinks about it, she wasn't really that distraught over; Billy's death was caused by Prometheus. And she'd already forgiven him about keeping William a secret for so long.
No, what she couldn't let go was the fact that after all these years Oliver was turning into someone she didn't know. She barely recognized him anymore. Felicity knew that being Mayor by day and Green Arrow by night was taxing, and wearing him out more than he'd ever let on to the rest of the team. But she knew him, she still knows him, better than anyone else ever had, but he's not Oliver anymore. It almost feels like he'd been replaced by someone else who was just pretending.
He was rash and reckless when it comes to his personal life with the reporter, and to beat it all, he flaunted that relationship in front of Felicity like it was nothing, even asking her to help fix it. Okay, it was partly her fault that Susan got fired, but she wasn't going to let Oliver's Green secret get out if she could help it. She shouldn't have helped Susan Williams get her job back after trying to bust Oliver, but she did it anyway.
She could freely admit it to herself now that she had made her decision: she was still as in love with Oliver as she had been a year ago. She had never thought they'd be apart this long, figuring that they'd talk things out, but that never happened. Somehow the city always needed the mayor or the Green Arrow, and since Oliver played double duty, he was never there for long.
And let's face it, whatever little time he was there, he always had his head stuck up his ass. Asking Felicity to help his current bed buddy when all the warning signs were there to tuck tail and run was the final straw for her. She couldn't – wouldn't – sit around watch the train derail. And derail it would, but Oliver would have to open his eyes and look beyond a pretty face and expertly crafted lies.
No one is that good of a lay.
Felicity chuckled at her own quip, and it jolted her back to the present, and to where she was and what she was currently doing. She'd loaded the box with the bare minimum she kept down there. There wasn't much: compact of make-up, some "time-of-the-month" necessities, and a few odds and ends. Each piece of equipment, each tchotchke, was a memory; some were good, some were bad, but all helped build her into the woman who would walk out of Bunker with her head held high.
There were two more things Felicity needed to do: she needed to pack up her apartment and find a new city to start over in, and she needed to make a call. She grabbed her phone off the desk so she could take care of the later first. She dialed the number KoJo gave her when she wanted to talk about Helix, and as the elevator ascended to the ground level, she left a brief message of "I'm in," before hanging up and walked out of her former life.