"Bro, take yonder stick and destroy chaos," said Gandalf as he tossed Legolas the sovereign stick of divinity.
Legolas grasped the stick in his gorgeous elf fingers. He had immense power in the thumb, tremendous beauty in the index, quaint goodness in the middle, hotsy-totsy in the ring, and gorgeous might in the pinky. Altogether, Legolas's brilliant hand was complemented by his righteous palm, binding the dazzling tendrils.
"I can't believe how great Legolas is," said Aragorn, munching on his sunflower seeds and sitting atop Sam's dumb head.
Sam began to cry.
Frodo rolled his eyes, not knowing if Sam's tear were a result of the chair-treatment or a awe-filled reaction to dat spiffy elf man.
"I'll tell you what, man," said Elrond. "Legolas might be the most delicious thing to ever grace middle-earth, but I'm still the steeziest."
Everyone agreed, except for Gandalf, who took mad offence to this statement. "HOW DARE YOU!" he boomed and then slapped Elrond with a ten-foot Cheeto.
Elrond fell to the ground and his shoes fell off, revealing his true Hobbit feet.
"Oh my," said Sam as he shot gallons out of his tearducts like a stark raving hazelnut. "Elrond is no mere half elf! He is half Hobbit!"
Frodo stroked his nonexistent beard, pondering Elrond's foot situation and also the taste of meaty bison wraps.
Gandalf laughed and then put on his hat sideways. "It is time for a rap battle, homie!"
Elrond eyed Gandalf with wrath and wanted to DESTROY HIM with his sick hot fire lines. He stepped up to the plate and wielded his great knowledge of the greatest hits such as the Beatles and Mo Bamba.
"You cannot win, Elrond," said Legolas as he jammed the magic stick into a rather large jar of jelly. He stirred and stirred until the result was the genesis of a new universe. Frodo threw Sam into it because he was annoying him with his evil bread-stealing tactics.
"No! Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam as he was sucked into the vortex.
Aragorn looked at the loss and then turned to his fireplace, warmed his hands, read a section of Guy Fieri's latest cookbook, and then tuned in to this week's killer renditions of Duck Dynasty, on your local network.
Meanwhile, Gandalf and Elrond were spittin' such serious fire that Legolas's mystic elf eyes could not believe the righteousness.
"Yo! This man has defeat 'cause he's got da feet!" mightily ripped Gandalf as he pointed at Elrond's Hobbit toes.
Elrond roared and then kicked it up to eleven. "Yo! Gandalf was a wizard, now he's a lizard!"
Smaug heard this and was, like, so offended. He immediately called an Uber and booked it to the rap arena. When he finally got inside, he swallowed Elrond whole.
"Ha! I win!" laughed Gandalf. He was now a declarable winner of all things rap.
This was the destruction of Elrond's elf ear empire. Legolas became the new King of the Beautiful and his first decree was that Gimli had to eat a massive toad.
"It's kind of chunky," said Gimli as he took a bite.
"That is because I am very hunky," said Legolas as he flew away with his elf wings.
Seven years later…
People had to vote for the new King of the Beautiful because Legolas didn't feel like doing it anymore.
Aragorn didn't win for he was not an elf.
Frodo did win though because he knew how to spell "nomenclature".
And that is how Gandalf became a superb guy.
THE END