Do you remember the time I told you? I do. I remember how it all played out. The way the snow spiralled between us, fluttering confetti that collected on your face, in your hair, in our eyes; a cold white curtain that blurred the edges and concealed you from me; the fates were already tearing us apart. I remember the way the trees cast shadows around us, shielding us from the coming dawn. Their twisted limbs casting patterns on the ground around us. And I remember the look on your face when I told you. The way you looked up at me, your wide brown eyes filled with hurt. The inevitable question playing on your mind: Why? Why?

And then I left you, Nico. I left you.

And not a day goes past when I don't regret that.

I guess a part of me just wanted to belong somewhere. I was tempted by the prospect of a new life; a life free of the responsibilities and expectations that had ruled the prior one. But is a life without duty really a life at all?

It is true that I felt at peace with the hunters. Life had slowed considerably, and for the first time in a long time, I had the room I needed to breathe. But my life was like a wagon on a hill. Starting out slow, and then gaining more and more speed until the only thing I could do to avoid the crash at the bottom was slam the breaks as hard as I could. There was a brief sense of ease, of weightlessness, a short moment where I could take in the view. But when things slow, it's only a matter of time before they halt completely.

I once told you I had made peace with death. The truth is, I never really did. Being able to hear you, watch you, but unable to make contact. A half-life, between worlds. I am cursed Nico, cursed to remember. To be forever taunted with the memory of what I can never have again.

It's starting to fade now, though. Everything is blurred, like looking through fogged glass. Rooms and figures are all just shapeless shadows. I try to reach out and grab hold of these memories, to stop them slipping away, but shadow has no substance. Names I used to know have become nothing more than squiggles on a page, forever on the tip of my tongue, but I'll never be able to identify who or what they belonged to. You are the only one who's stayed with me this whole time. Every moment we shared, every conversation - all there. You never left.

Visions of long ago conversations will sometimes flit through my mind. I can see us when we were little, your small head bouncing up and down with the rhythmic pulsing of a see-saw. Your clear, innocent laughter bubbling as gravity pulled you up and down, up and down. Up and down.

Strange how the memories that were snatched from us so long ago are now the ones keeping me grounded.

I know you're mad at me. I am too; mad at myself for being so selfish. For leaving my only brother, my only true family. My only true friend. I left you when you needed me most. I've failed at being a Hunter, I've failed at being a Demi-god, but worst of all, I've failed at being a sister. Am I just one big failure? I couldn't have been, because I had you; somewhere, somehow, I did something to deserve you. I just wish I had known what it was.

I feel like I'm sinking. Torn between the past and the present. The true and the false. Stuck in an endless game show, where there is no real goal and no right answers. In a land where nothing is definitive. A land of smoke and fractured mirrors.

I think, perhaps the time has come for me for me to move on to the future. And though the prospect of starting a new life without you in it scares me, I feel I need to try again; to make up for the life I've failed.

Sometimes, Nico, when things get rough, we build a shelter around our hearts, to protect them from the raging storm outside. We work all day and night, and finally we have our kingdom. A wall so impenetrable even we can't find our way back out. But that's alright, our hearts are safe here in their haven. Why would we ever want to go back?

Time passes, and our green haven soon turns to a brown wasteland. Our gardens shrivel and our ponds dry up, and we realize, the wall we made to protect the seed, has strangled it.

And our shelter turns into a cage.

Fear feeds hate; hate feeds fear. A never-ending circle. One we follow blindly, unconsciously constructing our own prisons. Following, circling, ignoring the dizziness until it's too late. And then we're on the ground, not knowing which way's up and which way's down. Confused, disoriented, broken.

The pavement cuts your hands when you fall, no longer tarmac, but the shards of shattered dreams.

In the end, perhaps there is no such thing as hate. Perhaps hate is just fear at its topmost aspect. Fear that you will never be accepted, fear that you will never be good enough.

Do you fear love, or do you fear yourself?

Please don't fall into the trap, Nico. Don't let your hate rule you. Break out of the circle before it's too late. Come out of the dark; you don't have to hide who you are.

Waiting won't get you anywhere.

Happy Meals won't make you happy.

You'll be mad at me for leaving you again, I know. You'll hate me and try to forget about me. And though it pains me to say it, perhaps that's for the best. I hope one day, once the pain has faded, you'll look back through the curtains you put up, and forgive me.

Stars shine brightest in the dark, and sometimes, all we have to do to find them is look up.

I love you, Mio caro.

Your sister, always,

Bianca

A/N: Well, hey! Sooo...self-doubt happened, and I almost decided not to post this one, but then I figured, "What the heck?" So here it is, for now at least.

Please review and let me know how I did. :)

(Disclaimer: I don't own PJO or HOO.)