Theater Chaos
Cloud is standing in the room facing a stage.
Cloud: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to tonight's performance. Some of our talents include Barret the Sailor Man, and Tifa the Pillow Lady. Now for our performance to commence.
The curtain on the stage flies up and we the audience sees a flaming hoop and Red XIII is wearing a cowboy suit. Suspenseful music is put on and Red runs through the flaming hoop and his tale hits the edge singeing his tail.
Red XIII: Oh My GOD! That HURT! %$% This HURTS! Everyone: Ahhh Gasps arrive from the crowd. Cloud pokes his head out from the wing of the stage whispering. Cloud (Whispering): WATCH YOUR %&$ing LANGUAGE RED!
Red nods and jumps through the hoop one more time showing that he could do it without cursing. Then some stagehands bring out a trampoline for him. He jumps on and begins to bounce.
Red: I am not made for this! One of his legs gives out on him. Red: I have four legs WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING!!!!! Oww THAT REALLY HURTS!!!!!! The stagehands help Red off the trampoline and he limps off.
Cloud nervously assumes center stage. Cloud: Next we have um... Cid. With his.um... Contraption. Cid walks on the stage and he has a giant hunk of metal attached to his back. He starts it up with a roar and yells into the microphone over the noise. Cid: YO MY $%ING HOMIES!!!!! THIS IS THE NEW WAY OF LIFE! FLY TO YOUR GODDAMN WORK! FLY I SAY!!!!
Cid takes off over the unexpecting crowd with Oooo's and Awww's. Then his contraption starts to sputter and the crowd quickly divides a path underneath him. Soon his whole machine gives out and he falls on a few seats in the middle of the auditorium. A few paramedics come out with a stretcher and place him on it scurrying him away. Cloud steps up in the spotlight again and speaks with an odd enthusiasm in his voice.
Cloud: Wow Cid what a great Machine! Thanks for that Demonstration. Next we have Hojo and his lovely assistant Aeris.
Aeris and Hojo walk onstage bring a few props along with them. Aeris is wearing a little sequin dress that covers practically nothing with little fuzzy bunny ears. Hojo is dressed in a black suit with a large top hat. Aeris helps Hojo into a six-foot long box. Hojo grabs the mike from Cloud who reluctantly gives it up.
Hojo: Now Ladies and Gentlemen. My Lovely Assistant Aeris will saw me in three parts and put me back together again! Aeris if you will please.
Aeris lays Hojo in the box and seals him in with a staple gun. She then takes two very large looking blades from behind the box. She gets them positioned in spots designated along the box. Aeris then starts a countdown.
Aeris: One...Two...Three.
She pushes the first one down and Hojo looks oddly at her in pain.
Aeris: One...Two...Three
She pushes the second one in hard and watches Hojo for a minute. Hojo looks up at her in disgust and agony. Blood starts to drip from his lip. Aeris finally realizes she did something wrong.
Hojo: YOU DUMB WHORE! Aeris: Hojo are you ok? Hojo: Do I LOOK OK?!?
Hojo's body then went limp. A single boo arrived from the crowd. Soon the whole crowd was booing. Then one person started to pull on Aeris' leg from the front row. She slipped and fell into the crowd who began tugging at her.
Aeris: Stop PULLING ON ME UGLY PEOPLE! First Man: YOU'RE THE UGLY ONE! Second Man: I AGREE!
She screamed loudly and her leg was torn from it socket and the man who possessed it went away huddling it like a football. Another got a hold of her arm and yanked hard pulling it from its socket taking it like a trophy.
First Woman (Screaming): ITS MINE!!! Second Woman (Biting and Yelling): No it's MINE!
The people returned to their seats and Cloud gets onstage and looks at all the bloodshed.
Cloud: Holy Shit What happened here? Oh Well. Our Next Act is...
A crash comes from above and both Sephiroth and Seifer jump onstage.
Sephiroth: Well Well Well isn't it goody two shoes Cloud. We meet again. And again. And again. It's like a goddamn sequel. Either way let me introduce you to Seifer. He is spiteful and vengeful. Anyways...
Another crash comes from the back of the theater. Squall jumps out and tackles Seifer to the ground.
Squall: YOU ASSHOLE (tries to stab him with his gunblade) Seifer: Ya know its easier if you just shoot me with that. Cloud interrupts screaming. Cloud: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! Squall stands up and vigorously shakes Cloud's hand. Squall: Hello I'm Squall a fellow leading person in a Final Fantasy series and This Asshole (points to Seifer) keep trying to kill me. And not to mention is mistress, Sorceress Edea tries to kill me too. Cloud: Sooo He (Points to Sephy) keeps trying to kill me. You don't see me tackling him. Squall (pouting): Fine I'll go look for Rinoa to make me some goddamn coffee. Cloud: You go do that. Please. We all think you're a prick. Sephy looks around quite angry Sephy: HELLO I CAME HERE TO KILL YA! (Tries to stab Cloud) Cloud: GOD DAMNIT SEPH I TOLD YA STOP IT YOUR GOING TO HURT YOURSELF!
Sephy tries to stab Cloud once more and it bounces off him hitting the flat part of his blade on his forehead. It knocks him out and Seifer is still quarreling with Squall who is now discussing how hot Selfie is.
Squall: No she isn't Eww... Seifer: Yeah she is! Cloud (Annoyed and Yelling over the argument. Steps over Sephy's Body toward the crowd): Well our next act is Barret the Sailor Man! Enjoy.
Cloud drags the two guys off stage leaving unconscious Sephy on the stage. Then a cardboard boat with Barret in a Sailor Suit appears. Barret is sitting in the boat rowing on the stage. Peaceful waves sound effects start and he tries to sound like a Captain but ends up sounding English.
Barret: Awww Cheerio Mate!! This is the S.S. Mako! Now for Ye Deaths?
A gunshot comes from backstage and stagehand stubbles in the spotlight- bleeding till he passes out. Barret looks slightly angry.
Barret (Yelling): VINCENT WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PUTTING THE SAFETY ON YOUR SHOTGUN!
Vincent sheepishly comes out of the wings and talks to Barret. His face turns magenta and then prune.
Vincent: I swear I didn't do ANYTHING! Barret: Well then why does the bullet have your initials? Vincent: I dunno. I got it someone is framing me.
Irvine sticks his head out and looks around. He sees a man in a sailor suit and a guy with a big gun.
Irvine: Uh...is this the right place? I'm supposed to be at a party. OH MY GOD YOUR VINCENT!!! You're my idol.
Irvine starts to kiss the ground Vincent walks on.
Vincent: Stop it kid! I SAID STOP IT! If you don't stop ill suck your blood. MWHAHAHA Irvine: Lies!
Vincent runs over to Irvine and flips off the cowboy hat and sinks his teeth into Irvine's Neck. He starts to tear away at the flesh and Irvine screams in agony. Vincent lets go and wipes Irvine's blood off his face and hands. Irvine stared in disbelief at Vincent.
Irvine: THAT BITCH BIT ME! Vincent laughs malevolently. Vincent: Serves ya right.
Barret scratches his head and stands there in shock for a second. Sephy stirs for a moment and his eyes open wide. He looks at his surroundings and sees Barret.
Sephy: You're that guy from Broadway! I want your autograph. He runs over to Barret and attaches his arms to him. Barret: What the fuck?!
Tifa enters the stage.
Tifa: Hello is it my turn yet? I'm dying of boredom!
She turns and leaves before she can receive an answer. Cloud enters and looks at all the people standing around. He motions them to exit the stage and he gets the microphone back.
Cloud: That was interesting. Now we have the Official Spokesman for Shinra Cait Sith! (Boos come from the crowd) Hear me out! Anyways today he will be showing us how to be a traitor!
Cait Sith looks nervously off the stage and sees the angry faces in the crowd. One then grabs the puffy "toy's" leg and drags him into the crowd getting ripped limb from limb just like Aeris before him. Cloud returns to the stage.
Cloud: Well before this thing turns into a riot we have Tifa!
She comes onstage in a pleather suit showing how much silicone was injected into her. She then starts to fall forward and is rebounded by her chest. Tifa repeats this a few more times and the crowd starts applauding. Soon she has a standing ovation.
Tifa: Thank You Ladies and Gentlemen. Cloud joins Tifa Cloud: Well that was a weird show hoped ya liked it. Also Bonfires made of cast's body parts will not be done in the lobby please wait until you are in the parking lot. Thank You! Crowd: Your Welcome! Tifa: Also who ever have Aeris' head I will buy it from you for 300,000 Gil. I want to squash it. (Whispers under breath) Man those porno's helped me get Gil real fast.
Cloud is standing in the room facing a stage.
Cloud: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to tonight's performance. Some of our talents include Barret the Sailor Man, and Tifa the Pillow Lady. Now for our performance to commence.
The curtain on the stage flies up and we the audience sees a flaming hoop and Red XIII is wearing a cowboy suit. Suspenseful music is put on and Red runs through the flaming hoop and his tale hits the edge singeing his tail.
Red XIII: Oh My GOD! That HURT! %$% This HURTS! Everyone: Ahhh Gasps arrive from the crowd. Cloud pokes his head out from the wing of the stage whispering. Cloud (Whispering): WATCH YOUR %&$ing LANGUAGE RED!
Red nods and jumps through the hoop one more time showing that he could do it without cursing. Then some stagehands bring out a trampoline for him. He jumps on and begins to bounce.
Red: I am not made for this! One of his legs gives out on him. Red: I have four legs WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING!!!!! Oww THAT REALLY HURTS!!!!!! The stagehands help Red off the trampoline and he limps off.
Cloud nervously assumes center stage. Cloud: Next we have um... Cid. With his.um... Contraption. Cid walks on the stage and he has a giant hunk of metal attached to his back. He starts it up with a roar and yells into the microphone over the noise. Cid: YO MY $%ING HOMIES!!!!! THIS IS THE NEW WAY OF LIFE! FLY TO YOUR GODDAMN WORK! FLY I SAY!!!!
Cid takes off over the unexpecting crowd with Oooo's and Awww's. Then his contraption starts to sputter and the crowd quickly divides a path underneath him. Soon his whole machine gives out and he falls on a few seats in the middle of the auditorium. A few paramedics come out with a stretcher and place him on it scurrying him away. Cloud steps up in the spotlight again and speaks with an odd enthusiasm in his voice.
Cloud: Wow Cid what a great Machine! Thanks for that Demonstration. Next we have Hojo and his lovely assistant Aeris.
Aeris and Hojo walk onstage bring a few props along with them. Aeris is wearing a little sequin dress that covers practically nothing with little fuzzy bunny ears. Hojo is dressed in a black suit with a large top hat. Aeris helps Hojo into a six-foot long box. Hojo grabs the mike from Cloud who reluctantly gives it up.
Hojo: Now Ladies and Gentlemen. My Lovely Assistant Aeris will saw me in three parts and put me back together again! Aeris if you will please.
Aeris lays Hojo in the box and seals him in with a staple gun. She then takes two very large looking blades from behind the box. She gets them positioned in spots designated along the box. Aeris then starts a countdown.
Aeris: One...Two...Three.
She pushes the first one down and Hojo looks oddly at her in pain.
Aeris: One...Two...Three
She pushes the second one in hard and watches Hojo for a minute. Hojo looks up at her in disgust and agony. Blood starts to drip from his lip. Aeris finally realizes she did something wrong.
Hojo: YOU DUMB WHORE! Aeris: Hojo are you ok? Hojo: Do I LOOK OK?!?
Hojo's body then went limp. A single boo arrived from the crowd. Soon the whole crowd was booing. Then one person started to pull on Aeris' leg from the front row. She slipped and fell into the crowd who began tugging at her.
Aeris: Stop PULLING ON ME UGLY PEOPLE! First Man: YOU'RE THE UGLY ONE! Second Man: I AGREE!
She screamed loudly and her leg was torn from it socket and the man who possessed it went away huddling it like a football. Another got a hold of her arm and yanked hard pulling it from its socket taking it like a trophy.
First Woman (Screaming): ITS MINE!!! Second Woman (Biting and Yelling): No it's MINE!
The people returned to their seats and Cloud gets onstage and looks at all the bloodshed.
Cloud: Holy Shit What happened here? Oh Well. Our Next Act is...
A crash comes from above and both Sephiroth and Seifer jump onstage.
Sephiroth: Well Well Well isn't it goody two shoes Cloud. We meet again. And again. And again. It's like a goddamn sequel. Either way let me introduce you to Seifer. He is spiteful and vengeful. Anyways...
Another crash comes from the back of the theater. Squall jumps out and tackles Seifer to the ground.
Squall: YOU ASSHOLE (tries to stab him with his gunblade) Seifer: Ya know its easier if you just shoot me with that. Cloud interrupts screaming. Cloud: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! Squall stands up and vigorously shakes Cloud's hand. Squall: Hello I'm Squall a fellow leading person in a Final Fantasy series and This Asshole (points to Seifer) keep trying to kill me. And not to mention is mistress, Sorceress Edea tries to kill me too. Cloud: Sooo He (Points to Sephy) keeps trying to kill me. You don't see me tackling him. Squall (pouting): Fine I'll go look for Rinoa to make me some goddamn coffee. Cloud: You go do that. Please. We all think you're a prick. Sephy looks around quite angry Sephy: HELLO I CAME HERE TO KILL YA! (Tries to stab Cloud) Cloud: GOD DAMNIT SEPH I TOLD YA STOP IT YOUR GOING TO HURT YOURSELF!
Sephy tries to stab Cloud once more and it bounces off him hitting the flat part of his blade on his forehead. It knocks him out and Seifer is still quarreling with Squall who is now discussing how hot Selfie is.
Squall: No she isn't Eww... Seifer: Yeah she is! Cloud (Annoyed and Yelling over the argument. Steps over Sephy's Body toward the crowd): Well our next act is Barret the Sailor Man! Enjoy.
Cloud drags the two guys off stage leaving unconscious Sephy on the stage. Then a cardboard boat with Barret in a Sailor Suit appears. Barret is sitting in the boat rowing on the stage. Peaceful waves sound effects start and he tries to sound like a Captain but ends up sounding English.
Barret: Awww Cheerio Mate!! This is the S.S. Mako! Now for Ye Deaths?
A gunshot comes from backstage and stagehand stubbles in the spotlight- bleeding till he passes out. Barret looks slightly angry.
Barret (Yelling): VINCENT WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PUTTING THE SAFETY ON YOUR SHOTGUN!
Vincent sheepishly comes out of the wings and talks to Barret. His face turns magenta and then prune.
Vincent: I swear I didn't do ANYTHING! Barret: Well then why does the bullet have your initials? Vincent: I dunno. I got it someone is framing me.
Irvine sticks his head out and looks around. He sees a man in a sailor suit and a guy with a big gun.
Irvine: Uh...is this the right place? I'm supposed to be at a party. OH MY GOD YOUR VINCENT!!! You're my idol.
Irvine starts to kiss the ground Vincent walks on.
Vincent: Stop it kid! I SAID STOP IT! If you don't stop ill suck your blood. MWHAHAHA Irvine: Lies!
Vincent runs over to Irvine and flips off the cowboy hat and sinks his teeth into Irvine's Neck. He starts to tear away at the flesh and Irvine screams in agony. Vincent lets go and wipes Irvine's blood off his face and hands. Irvine stared in disbelief at Vincent.
Irvine: THAT BITCH BIT ME! Vincent laughs malevolently. Vincent: Serves ya right.
Barret scratches his head and stands there in shock for a second. Sephy stirs for a moment and his eyes open wide. He looks at his surroundings and sees Barret.
Sephy: You're that guy from Broadway! I want your autograph. He runs over to Barret and attaches his arms to him. Barret: What the fuck?!
Tifa enters the stage.
Tifa: Hello is it my turn yet? I'm dying of boredom!
She turns and leaves before she can receive an answer. Cloud enters and looks at all the people standing around. He motions them to exit the stage and he gets the microphone back.
Cloud: That was interesting. Now we have the Official Spokesman for Shinra Cait Sith! (Boos come from the crowd) Hear me out! Anyways today he will be showing us how to be a traitor!
Cait Sith looks nervously off the stage and sees the angry faces in the crowd. One then grabs the puffy "toy's" leg and drags him into the crowd getting ripped limb from limb just like Aeris before him. Cloud returns to the stage.
Cloud: Well before this thing turns into a riot we have Tifa!
She comes onstage in a pleather suit showing how much silicone was injected into her. She then starts to fall forward and is rebounded by her chest. Tifa repeats this a few more times and the crowd starts applauding. Soon she has a standing ovation.
Tifa: Thank You Ladies and Gentlemen. Cloud joins Tifa Cloud: Well that was a weird show hoped ya liked it. Also Bonfires made of cast's body parts will not be done in the lobby please wait until you are in the parking lot. Thank You! Crowd: Your Welcome! Tifa: Also who ever have Aeris' head I will buy it from you for 300,000 Gil. I want to squash it. (Whispers under breath) Man those porno's helped me get Gil real fast.