Steve has heard many people, including his companions, complain about the red in their ledgers... Especially Natasha. He's heard all of the avengers at least say it once. Everyone but him. Maybe they think Steve doesn't have any, or that he just doesn't care. But truth be told, it kills him. Not long ago he was on a mission and killed 20 people. He didn't kill all of them, most were innocents he couldn't save. But after that mission he had so much blood on his hands. He hated it.

His teammates congratulated him for killing the leader but the mans sticky blood was still there. Drying on his skin. He just smiled and thanked them quietly. Inside it was killing him. That man may have been evil but he still had a life, friends and family. He should have taken him into shield. It wasn't just that mans blood. There was even blood from those hostages he tried to save; still 3 hours of flying left. He just wanted to wash his hands that's all. Was it too much to ask. Maybe they could tell he was uncomfortable because they actually spoke to him

'You okay cap?' Clint asked.

'Fine.'

He really didn't feel like speaking. He just wanted to say,

'Oh god you guys. Can't you see my hands? Do you have any water at all?'

Of course, he didn't say that. He would just sound plain stupid. Everything was silent; he was drowning in the roaring silence, he was drowning and soon he would die.

Die.

He just wishes he could die. Many people are scared of death, what it brings. Steve is not one of those people; he wants to die, so badly. He's not suicidal. Honestly, he's not. He's only thought of it, he's never done anything. But seriously what would America say if their captain killed himself? Well that's a question for another day. As soon as they got back, he didn't even wait 'til the jet touched the ground he jumped out. He couldn't take it, most of it has dried but some remained, dripping on the ground beneath him. He was going insane,

The captain America was going insane.

He may have been wearing his uniform but captain America wasn't there, this was Steve. The vulnerable broken person that lies beneath the costume. The one with scars. Not on his wrists, his stomach, his thighs, his veins. But on his heart and mind. People are talking to him

'Captain can you...'

'Captain'

'Captain can I talk to you for...'

Everyone called him captain. Steve hates the captain. The captain ruined his life, now Steve is ruined. People want him for the captain. Steve looks around as he is storming to his room ( floor ) in the avengers tower. Some people are around him, smiling. They look happy.

Happy.

Do you ever have a stomach ache and it hurts so much that you forgot what it feels like to be normal? To be without pain? To be able to move and do everyday things without feeling pain? That's kind of what depressions like. Steve has just been sad for so long he can't remember how it felt to smile and mean it. To be able to walk around without having that dull pain in his head. Yet other times, he feels... Numb. Nothing at all. Something will happen, where other people will burst into tears, still just sit there staring at a wall. Eventually, Steve made it to his room. He felt a bit relieved to be there.

He made his way to the sink; as he was about to wash his hands he noticed the blood on his face too. Mostly dried. He decided to shower, it would be better, after all. Steve just jumped in after peeling his suit off because, on his hands, it still dripped.

He felt the warm water wash his skin. It didn't make him feel warmer, nothing could, but the sensation was nice.

Steve never did have long showers yet he felt like he deserved this one. Oh who is he kidding? He doesn't deserve anything ( he would always tell himself) he has killed many people and not saved others.

'I'm a monster,' Steve says as he shuts the shower off,'Why did they pull me out the ice. I'm more frozen now than I was in the sea.'

Why? Was it worth it? They pulled the captain out the ice for one reason and one reason only... To use him as a weapon. In Steve's opinion, SHIELD is no better than hydra. Both of them destroy lives and use people for weapons. Just like Bucky. A frown immediately washed over his face. He failed Bucky, he let him fall. It's his fault hydra used him as a weapon. Everything is his fault. Everything.

'Why am I here' he whispers softly.

Steve shudders slightly when Jarvis speaks to him ( he still wasn't in the swing of things. )

'Captain Rogers, the rest of your team are waiting downstairs. They have made you something to eat.'

Steve rolls his eyes lightly. He doesn't want to eat, infact he hasn't eaten for the past four days. He's just lost his appetite that's all. He finishes getting dressed and heads to go downstairs anyway. On his way out, he passed a mirror and unintentionally looked at his reflection. Oh how he wished he hadn't. Blood everywhere. Sticking to his face, turning into a disgusting shade of red. He tried rubbing at it, nothing. He checked his hands. You couldn't even see his skin. It was so painful to look at he actually started to laugh. Laughs slowly turned into sobs. So much blood on his hands.

-The next morning-

Since they hadn't seen Steve last night and he hadn't shown up for breakfast this morning the team were curious.

'Maybe he's just tired?' Bruce suggested.

'I doubt he fell asleep straight away' replied Tony.

They decided to wait a few more minutes, minutes turned into hours. As a result, Tony went into his room.

'Cap? Rogers? Quit messing around come out.' No reply. Maybe he's just gone out for a run. Everything seemed in place so it wasn't like hydra had taken him or anything. Tony noticed a camera on his bedside table. On it, there was a video taken last night and on it was Steve Tony hit play:

Hey guys. Or whoever is viewing this. You're probably watching this video because you haven't seen me for a while. Well I can explain that to you. I can't take it anymore. The blood it's not going away!

( Steve lifted his hands to show them- Tony's eyebrow raised because they were perfectly clean )

I've scrubbed them for hours. They're still stained. ( a tear actually escaped from the captains- Steve's eye )And I just... Anyway, I cant let more people's blood stain them. Only one more persons will.

That person is me. Im sorry.

Silence.

I'm sorry this is so bad. I wrote it when I was bored in French (please review )