Rarely do I write anything that I look back over and alter before posting it. Most of my stories are very spur-of-the-moment, in that sense. But this one… This one has been in a file for a few weeks now. And I've finally decided (with the prompting of a friend and a bit of blackmail to boot,) to post it and see. I know I've mentioned it before in the footnotes of other stories, so you may have seen it coming. But:

My first Ian/Kevin fic! More specifically, my first Ian-Centric. Now that I feel comfortable enough writing the Blitzkrieg Boys, this will be fun for the whole family.

It is a Black Humor story. For those of you who think I'm talking about Tyler Perry or racist jokes, Black Humor is: (n) the juxtaposition of morbid and farcical elements (in writing or drama) to give a disturbing effect. Basically, its humor stemmed from depressing events. Dark humor. So dark it's black. See what I did there? Laugh, damnit. I'm funny.

Anyway. Sorry.

Warnings: Eventual violence, murder, drug and gang reference (probably,) and language. If you can stomach my other fics, this one won't bug you much.

So… Enjoy! Thanks for reading.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Chapter One: A Minor Setback

Beeping. Not a smoke detector, not a car door left ajar, just steady, unknown beeping. I open my eyes and let them slowly adjust to the dark ceiling above me. What, in the name of all that is sweet and salty on this planet, is making that noise?

I roll my head to the left. Then the right. Spotting the soft glow of the digital clock, I recognize that it's the culprit. Do you have any idea how rude you're being? You're telling me that it's two in the morning, and yet you appear more than happy to wake me up. I must have screwed up in setting this thing last time I tried to mess with it.

Now then. A normal human being would have gotten up long before now and smacked the crap out of the offending clock. They would have uttered some sort of obscenity, rolled over, and gone back to sleep. But me? Well, I'm not normal. I just look at the clock and count the minutes that go by. The glowing green numbers flicker a grand total of twenty three times before I hear the door crack open and someone come in. Hidden beneath a mound of blankets, we can't see each other. I just watch as their arm appears in my view and turns off the alarm. The click it makes is the final say in the battle between silence and beeping, and with that, the arm vanishes from view. Several moments pass. I'm not sure if they left or not…

"Ian?"

Damn.

"Ian."

This time, it's not a question. I groan and push the blankets off, sitting up. There, standing next to me, is Tala. I glare at him. He sighs and glances back toward the doorway awkwardly.

Wanna know why? Because exactly four hours ago, at 10:46pm on a Thursday night, Tala beat me up.

This, you see, is Bryan's job. And even he doesn't do what Tala did. Bryan knocks me upside the head, or punches me in the arm. And yeah, it hurts. But Tala actually beat me up. And I, being the ever faithful and considerate individual, would happily enjoy telling you what happened in detail.

Just let me clear my mental throat first.

Ahem.

It was just Tala and I. Bryan was out watching some sort of horror movie, (which he likes to go see on opening night and laugh at loudly, because nothing scares him and he enjoys pissing people off,) and for once Spencer actually had somewhere to go. I believe it involved paper work, but I figured he was out getting laid or something. Good for him, right? Right.

Anyway. I was watching mindless television when Tala strode into the room. Looking up, I frowned and rolled my eyes. I always, always roll my eyes when I see him. Not sure why. Just do.

"And what are you pissed about?" I asked, in the same snide tone that I always use.

Apparently, he and Kai had been on the phone for roughly an hour arguing, and then Kai told him to kindly go fuck himself, and hung up. Being the only outlet around, Tala immediately stormed away from the phone to find me, and with only a small amount of banter between us, he…

Okay, so it was a lot of banter. I was tired, he was pissed, we both lost control of ourselves, and after he swung and missed, I caught him in the jaw, and from there it wound down to him over powering me and beating me up. What was the argument even about? I can't remember. Something pointless, I'm sure.

"Ian, I need to talk to you."

"No you don't." I saw, stiffly straightening myself out. He blinks before glaring, starting in on another bitch session before he catches himself.

"Your attitude earlier was unacceptable."

My eyes open wide.

"And I demand an apology."

A… But…

"Ian?"

… Did he just say what I think he just said? Did he really… to my face? I…

I'll tell you what I do. I shove the blankets off and stand up straight, coming eye to sternum. Despite his height, I am undeterred.

"You want an apology for being beat up by you?" I ask, almost rhetorically. He suddenly doesn't look so sure of himself.

"Why don't you take that shitty attitude of yours and blow it out your ass!"

And I run. I turn and run out of the room, out of the apartment, down the hall, down the stairs, and out of the building. I'm barefoot, with shorts and a plain white t-shirt on. It's about sixty degrees outside, so though at first it doesn't mean much to me, I eventually start to feel an unsettling chill creep down my skin.

Eventually, I reason with myself that Tala isn't following, and stop running. Walking briskly down the street, my feet padding on the cement almost silently, I begin to brood and grumble and curse my team captain. Who does he think he is? I know he's a self absorbed prick, but that shouldn't account for what he did. I bet if I go back there within the next eighteen to twenty hours, he'll still be pissed off and ready to lunge at me.

In the streetlights, I can see the bruises that are developing on my arms and legs. I can feel them on my back, and on my chest. I'm aware that I'm getting a black eye, because try as I may, I'm having an increasingly difficult time keeping my right eye open all the way. I wonder if I could go find some nice person who would give me a cup of water and an ice pack? I bet if I told them I got beat up by some bullies or something, they'd feel bad for me. I may not be the cutest thing around, but I still look like a kid if I try. They'd take pity on that, right? I mean, who is that heartless? Besides Tala, I guess. God, what a prick-

Fwump.

Not paying attention to what's going on, I turn a corner just in time to run directly into someone. We stumble, both startled by the sudden impact, and I end up falling forward while they fall back. When we hit the ground, I'm on top of them. I can hear, very significantly, the thwack as their head crashes against the pavement. And the second I can think clearly, what word flashes through my head? 'Lawsuit'.

The figure moans beneath me. Whoever it is, they're smaller then me. A kid? No, that voice isn't exactly prepubescent. And besides, it's pretty late for a kid to be out wandering around.

I push myself up and kneel there, still on top of them. The face throws me off completely when I finally see it, and I gasp awkwardly. He moans again and reaches up to grab his head.

"I know you!" I bark. He flinches and groans loudly at the sudden burst of noise caused by yours truly. Bad move.

He rolls onto his side and I spot it. That unmistakable smudge of red on the cement where his head hit. His hair is slowly being matted with the stuff, and his hands – now gripping the back of his head in pain – are getting covered in it. Without thinking, I push up and grab hold of his shoulders, lifting him into a sitting position.

"Oh shit." I say. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit indeed. He groans and squirms away from me a little, looking up through a veil of hair at my face. It takes him a minute to recognize me, but his facial expression takes an interesting turn when he does.

"I-Ian?"

"Evening, Kevin." I say before I can stop myself. He looks away from me and pulls his arms down, studying his hands.

"Shit, my head…" He mutters. I watch his form sway and catch him by the shoulders when he leans into me suddenly, losing consciousness.

Crap.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

And we're off.

Please review, or Kevin will lapse into a coma and die! D: