Arthur stood on the outer wall of Camelot. The wind was brisk, the sky gray. He kept his eyes on the forest. His archers lined the wall with him, arrows notched and bows at the ready.

"Merlin," he said. His voice was flat, the only sound for miles.

Merlin stepped forward from his position behind his king. "Yes sire?"

Arthur did not look away from the trees. "You should leave," he stated. "This is not the place for clumsy, useless servants."

"I daresay that was almost a compliment," Merlin replied.

Arthur did not chuckle.

For a moment, Merlin hesitated. "Was that an order, sir?"

"…No," Arthur answered. He glanced back at his friend. "And you wouldn't have listened anyway."

Merlin shrugged. "Well, yeah, I suppose."

Suddenly, one of the archers shouted. Arthur whipped his gaze back to the woods. The thunder of a thousand horses grew from a low murmur to a trembling rumble. From between the trees came the front lines, appearing as if out of nowhere. At the front rode a woman on a pure black stallion.

"Morgana," Arthur growled.

Morgana Pendragon led her troops down the grassy hill at terrifying speed. More riders galloped out of the trees, swarming like ants. More, and more, and more… so many that Arthur felt his legs go weak. His sister was here to take Camelot—or run it into the ground.

Slowly, Morgana came to a stop and lifted her right hand. A thousand hooded horsemen brought their steeds to a halt. They were still some distance from the wall, in order to gain full speed when the charged.

"Arthur!" Morgana shouted. Her voice was somewhat distorted by the wind.

Yet Arthur acknowledged his name, and he leaned forward.

"Bring me Emrys!" she declared. "And I will leave Camelot alone!"

Merlin stiffened. He had definitely heard his name, though the other stuff he could not make out.

Arthur frowned. "What did she say?" he asked, leaning to the knight next to him.

"I have no idea, sir," Gwaine answered.

"I want Emrys!" Morgana repeated, cupping her hands around her mouth.

Leon squinted at the witch in confusion. "She bought… parsnips?"

Morgana rolled her eyes. "I. Want. Emrys!" she yelled, as loud as she could.

There was a crackling sound, and a short man stepped forward, pulling his hood off. His metal right arm had become a knife, and he tossed his blond hair out of his eyes. "All right," he said, smiling slightly. "I am Edward Elric, the one you are looking for."

Everyone from both sides stared at him in confusion.

"No, Emrys!" Morgana said again.

Edward frowned. "Oh, I thought she said 'alchemist.'" He stepped back into the ranks.

"Sorcerer!" a knight exclaimed.

"Get him!"

Edward Elric was promptly tackled.

Someone else stepped forward, shedding her robe to reveal herself completely nude. "You wanted the mistress, you got her," she declared.

"Who are you!" several of the knights exclaimed.

The woman blinked. "Irene Adler," she said. "The king's mistress." She winked flirtatiously. "In my battle suit."

All eyes turned to Arthur, who coughed and looked away pointedly.

"No, I want EMRYS!"

Another woman stepped forward. "I'm Bellatrix," she announced.

"Damn it, I said Emrys!"

"No, it's not Christmas," Arthur told her.

"EMRYS!"

A Prius horn honked.

Morgana gave a furious snort and reared her horse around, riding in front of her troops. "Screw this!" she snapped. "Charge!"

"Oh, now she's attacking us?" complained Arthur. "All because it's not Christmas? That's low, Morgana, even for you." He looked to his archers. "Fire at will!" he ordered.

When the battle was over, Morgana knelt at the mercy of Arthur's sword. He frowned at her, his face the definition of anger… and disappointment.

"Was this worth it, Morgana?" he murmured, his keen blue eyes seeming to see right through her. "Was it worth all this bloodshed, just because it's not Christmas?"

Morgana blinked. "Wait, what? No, you idiot king, I wanted Emrys."

For a long time, Arthur stared at her, processing what she had said. Abruptly he threw his sword on the ground with a clang. "What?"

*Bored author is bored. -_-

Features Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist, Irene Adler from BBC's Sherlock, and Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter. If you found this funny, or stupid, or constipating, I'd love to know. Thnks fr rdng.*