--
"I AM KIRA!"
He couldn't believe it. What was he expecting to happen? A sense of relief, satisfaction, the thrill of knowing he had prevailed against Kira? Something like that.
But no.
What he felt wasn't disbelief. The detective believed what he heard, what he saw. He believed it. He didn't want to believe it. At this very moment, standing on the other side of the one-way mirror, staring with his shadowed eyes at Kira, strapped down to the chair, blood trickling from the murderer's mouth, all he wanted to do was close his eyes and make everything go away. It was a nightmare; that was the only way to describe the feeling in L Lawliet's gut.
"No . . ." he said, taking a step back from the hanging head, glowing cinnamon eyes, a smirk of total evil gracing Light Yagami's face. "No, Light-kun, no . . . please, no . . ."
"Don't tell me no, L." he snapped, lurching at him from under the bonds holding him to the metal chair. "You knew this was coming, you knew this day was coming, L!"
Members of the Kira Task Force took a step back at the raving student's barking. Mogi stood, hand hovering over his gun, ready to blast blood holes into a skull. Misa Amane, normally smiling and tring her hardest to keep everybody in a good mood with ruffles, lace and crucifixes, was shaking in her heels, blue eyes in tears. She clung to her self-proclaimed manager, who tried to calm her. That was Matsuda, a well-known supporter of Kira within the Task Force, and he was clearly hurt, betrayed, scared. He was young, and hadn't seen the horrors L had in the world of justice and crime.
Lawliet's hands were wrapped in fists, staring down Light.
"But . . ."
"But what?! BUT WHAT, L?" Light yelled, laughing between his words. "Like you didn't know! Like you didn't know what EVERYTHING I DID WAS TO BEAT YOU! EVERYTHING!"
Nobody in the room understood how deep those words hit, how agonizing it was. L hung his head slightly after staring at the student who was slowly losing his mind.
"Everything . . ."
Everything . . .
--
"Ryuzaki, have you ever been in love - and I mean, like, love?" Light asked one day, sprawled out on the couch next to L, handcuffs intact, despite Light's multiple attempts to remove them. But L noticed that his attempts for freedom were severely decreasing in frequency. It seemed something caused Light to give up his futile mission.
A strange question, L thought. Looking up from his more-sugar-than-liquid tea, the mop of ebony hair tilted slightly to the side as a thumb pressed to his own pale lip.
"I wouldn't know. Love is when euphoric feelings overtake your brain and reason, is it not?" he said. Light sighed, chuckling slightly, a smile gracing his lips. Ryuzaki's eyes watched the smile fade in and out of existence - he always did. He never understood why.
"Yes, I suppose that's a good way to express it." he said, running a hand through his hair, letting it fall back gracefully into place. Ryuzaki watched this, too, not understanding why. "So, have you?"
Ryuzaki's shoulder's jerked up and down slightly. "No, I can't say I have. Does Light-kun feel this toward's Amane-san?"
Light's eyes, normally glowing with intelligent warmth, turned cold and blank. "I guess." he said quietly.
"Light-kun does not know?"
"No." came the quiet, hesitant answer. The five foot silver chain between their cuffs jingled merrily as Light put his hands to his forehead as he hid his face behind delicate fingers. "I don't know anymore . . ."
Ryuzaki bit his lip, leaving his tea untouched. The apartment set up as the Kira Headquarters was left to them every night as Ryuzaki had to stay here, but Light was handcuffed to him. He had to stay with his employer. So the silence between them after this statement was only as deafening as their breathing would allow.
"I mean," Light continued. "I do love her. But not in love. It's more like a sister sort of thing. I mean, I don't know what I'd do without Misa, but I can't think of her like a girlfriend. It's just too . . . " Trailing off, he sat up, leaning back and sighing. "I want to say gross, but that would make me sound really homosexual."
"Is Light-kun suffering from homophobia?" Ryuzaki asked, shuffling closer to Light, until their knees were almost touching. Which wasn't unusual. Ryuzaki liked being closer to Light. He didn't understand why, of course, but he decided not to investigate it until he had some free time.
Light looked over from under his mop of hair, glancing down at the brushing of denim jeans and polyester slacks before answering.
"No, I'm not suffering from homophobia." he replied. "I think I might BE gay."
How calmly he said that! How easily it slid from his mouth! Where normal teenagers were so scared to even tiptoe, Light strolled through the vicious thorns briars like he owned it. Ryuzaki wanted to stand, applaud his bravery, hug him even, but he didn't move.
"Oh." was the only reply he could think of to fill the silence. "How does Light-kun come to this conclusion?" Ryuzaki asked.
"You don't want to know."
"If I didn't want to know, I would not have asked Light-kun the question."
"No, seriously. You don't." Light shuffled away from Ryuzaki, looking away from his employer.
"Tell me." Ryuzaki ordered, grabbing Light roughly by the face to make the teen face him. "Please."
Light was very quiet, his eyes searching Ryuzaki's face. What was he looking for? Was he looking for him as Kira, planning his next step? Or as Light, more confused and scared than he let on.
--
Light kept laughing. "Yes, L, everything! IT WAS ALL AN ACT! Did you really think I was doing this because of anything BUT Kira?!"
"Yes, actually, Light-kun, I did." L snapped, glaring death. "I actually thought what you told me what true."
Light's laughter only increased his thrashing about looking more and more like a seizure. "You're an idiot! A hopeless idiot!"
"And yet I've caught you, Kira." L hissed, taking a few steps forward. He was not Light anymore. This thing wasn't Light. It wasn't kind, intelligent, caring, kinky Light. It wasn't his Light. It was Kira - a murderer. A cold-blooded, warp-minded murderer.
"Yet you did! You did, because of that airheaded whore over there clinging to Matsuda!" Light jerked his head around, mouth curled in an angry smirk at the blonde. "YOU BETRAYED ME! YOU BETRAYED KIRA!"
Misa jerked and suddenly stopped shaking, like Kira's words had physically shot her. It wasn't like Kira was wrong - Misa gave him over to L. She snapped that night, and told L everything - about the notebooks, the Shinigami, the planning, and offered to lead Light down here to interrogate him. Because even though Misa had said all this, L didn't believe her.
He had to hear it for himself.
That was three days ago. Careful planning and coaching Misa with some serious acting lessons brought them here, underneath a ruined warehouse – incidentally, one Light seemed to have blown up himself to kill members of the Mafia. And now they sat in a concrete room under the ruins, and it seemed they might not all leave the room.
"You betrayed me, Misa! You betrayed the man that gave you revenge, gave you hope, and you threw it away!" Light screamed. Misa buried her head in Matsuda's jacket, mumbling something that sounded like "Misa-Misa's sorry." over and over.
"She helped capture a murderer!" Mogi snapped at him, standing by Matsuda's side as well.
"I AM GOD!" Light yelled, thrashing to get his hands around the policeman's throat. "I CREATED THIS WORLD! AN UTOPIA!"
"Light-kun . . ." Ryuzaki said, tears stinging his eyes. ". . . isn't Light-kun anymore."
And now Light Yagami was gone. Kira was here.
"Are you happy, L? Are you happy that you've figured it out?! That you've uncovered how IRONIC this is?! YOUR LOVER IS KIRA!"
The sharp intake of breath, then silence again, the echoes of Kira's laughter bouncing off the concrete walls.
Their big secret was revealed.
Of course, L was careful this was never accidentally revealed. There was only one thing that would give them away was taken by accident (sort of) and Ryuzaki treasured it, never letting it leave his person.
--
Looking for Sayu in the mass of colorful, sugar-hyped people of this convention was like looking for a needle in a haystack. And it wasn't as though two handcuffed male teenagers would stick out. It was a cosplay convention.
A yaoi cosplay convention.
No, the Yagami parents didn't know.
Well, Light had figured out a way to avoid the fan-girl eyes that their entrapment drew. He just stood REALLY close to Ryuzaki, hiding the silver links of the chain in his pocket.
Okay, that barely made it any better in Ryuzaki's onyx eyes. They looked like they were holding hands. How was Light trying to make them seem LESS gay? This wasn't doing it, or making them invisible to the googlie-eyed girls and guys.
Fantastic.
So here they were, looking around the mass of paddles, colorful costumes and wild hair - like anybody's hair really defied gravity like that - trying to find one single girl. It wasn't working well.
"Light-kun?"
"Yes?"
"We have a problem."
Looking behind the two, he saw a small pack of what looked like school kids - only much shorter skirts and tighter tops - following them with a pack of cameras.
"The cameras."
Ryuzaki nodded. "Right."
Light sighed, looking around. "Follow me." he said quietly, and suddenly grabbed Ryuzaki's wrist, taking off into the crowds.
Ryuzaki stumbled after him, the metal of the cuff biting into his pale, slender wrist under Light's grasp. Dodging past several pairs or threesomes or foursomes of brightly colored peoples, Ryuzaki found himself and Light horded up behind a red curtain in a photo booth
"Why are we in here, Light-kun?"
"So they can't find us."
"Why?" Ryuzaki had to shift to get comfortable on the bench, and ended up pressing against Light. Light seemed to stiffen under his arm, but didn't say anything about it.
"So they don't think we're gay. And you didn't like the cameras, correct?"
Ryuzaki cocked a brow. "So you put me in a photo booth?"
Light sighed, rolling his eyes. "Sorry, didn't think that one through."
Ryuzaki chuckled, shaking his black mop. "It's okay, Light-kun." Then he reached into his pocket and fished out some yen.
Light raised his brow. "What are you doing?"
"We are already in here. We might as well take pictures."
Light blinked, stunned with disbelief as he fed the money into the slot and began selecting options on the screen.
"Take pictures?"
"Yes, Light-kun. If you go missing, I need something to show as a recent picture."
Dark humor from Ryuzaki – Light rolled his eyes."Fine, but –"
"Don't worry Light-kun, I'll help."
Light's eyes went wide in confusion and a hint of fear when a flash went off.
"That was picture one. Five seconds." Ryuzaki said, sitting up like he normally did on the bench, one hand on his mouth, the other behind Light's head. The Yagami boy stiffened some more, thinking Ryuzaki was going to his arm around him, but he realized there were two fingers above his head in a peace sign. And it was too late to change it when the second flash went off.
Light caught on – embarrass the other person as much as possible. Reaching over, he took his hands and pulled back on Ryuzaki's lips, making him smile against his will, and grinned himself trying not to laugh as the booth flashed again.
"Light-kun, that was not nice." Ryuzaki said, working his mouth to chase away the pain in the corners of his lips.
"What are you going to do about it?" Light said, smirking at where he figured the camera would be.
Ryuzaki did not liked to be one up-ed. And he wasn't going to be. Reaching over and entangling his fingers in the red tie around Light's neck and yanked him over, pressing Light's lips to his own.
The shock on Light's face, and the gasp of surprise Ryuzaki heard made him smile into the kiss as the flash went off in the booth. Ryuzaki won.
Light jerked back, escaping from Ryuzaki's grasp and sat as far away from the man he was handcuffed to for almost four weeks now.
"What the hell was that, Ryuzaki!?"
Ryuzaki blinked, silent for a moment or two.
"I believe they call that a kiss, Light-kun." He said simply.
The college student sitting across from him glared. "Yes, I know what it was." He snapped. "I'm asking WHY!"
"I don't like to lose. And you hurt my mouth." Ryuzaki retorted.
"I didn't hurt your mouth, you skinny wimp." Light said, crossing his arms. "I could make it hurt, if you wanted me to, so you can feel it hurt."
Ryuzaki rolled his shadowed eyes. "Light-kun is not very attractive when making threats." He said before poking his head out casually from behind the velvety red curtain into the masses outside. When he saw that the coast was clear, he took a step out, expecting Light to follow him.
But a jerk on his handcuff chain pulled him back into the booth, falling on his behind and his head on Light's shoulder.
"Ryuzaki . . ."
"Yes, Light-kun?" Ryuzaki said, looking up at him.
Light didn't say anything for a few moments, just stared down at the detective. They stayed in that position for several silent seconds before the auburn mop of hair leaned down, as Light gently, but hesitantly brushed his lips on Ryuzaki's.
The tingling that ran up and down Ryuzaki's thin frame was like a bolt of electricity, only not as painful. It was more pleasurable, easier to enjoy.
And if one little brush did that . . .
Light pulled back, though, before the detective had a chance to investigate his theory.
"Light-kun . . ."
"Let's go now, Ryuzaki." It wasn't a suggestion, it was an order, crazed fan girls be damned. So as the two exited from the booth, Ryuzaki only had a split second to swipe the pictures freshly printed from the basket outside the booth and shove it in his pocket before following silently behind Light.
Ryuzaki made a vow not to speak of what just happened. He figured it was just Light and his hormones.
Right?
--
"You're . . . lovers?" Matsuda asked hesitantly, looking to his employer for some shred of truth to Light's – no, Kira's – crazed accusations. Actually, everybody looked to L at this moment.
L gave a hefty sigh, his hand gingerly touching the pocket holding the evidence. "Yes, Matsuda, it's true. He's not lying. Light-kun and I . . ."
That's when Misa retorted, loudly and angrily. "You mean that Light-kun and Ryuzaki-kun were screwing each other behind Misa-Misa's back!?"
"Well . . . if Light-kun himself didn't tell you, then that's the truth."L said softly, staring with watery onyx optics into the insane cinnamon ones. L remembered all sorts of emotions coming from those eyes; swimming with tears, on fire with lust, glowing with what he swore was love. What was it worth now? It was worth nothing, not a damn thing. It was a lie. Everything that ever came out his mouth, his eyes, or any other place on his body was a damned lie.
Why didn't he see it before?
--
"Ryuzaki, can I ask you a question?" Light asked, shifting in the sweat-stained sheets, still aglow.
A worn out detective opened his eyes, looking at him. "You just did. Do you want another?"
Light chuckled. "Yes please. What would you do if I were Kira? I mean, it's hypothetical, but I'm just curious."
Ryuzaki had to think about that for a moment. What would he do? He made a commitment – against his better judgment – to this college student and employee, but would he really put it second to the Kira case? Was he allowed to do that?
He gave his answer slowly, with great caution and hesitation. "Well, I made a promise to the public, Light-kun. So if you were – hypothetically – Kira, I would probably have to kill you."
Immediately he regretted saying it. He should have lied, said what Light wanted to hear-
"Excellent." Light said, pressing his lips onto Ryuzaki's forehead. "I'll remember not to become Kira." Sweet, light-hearted laughter.
"Are you?" Ryuzaki had to ask.
His laughter stopped short, and he stared down, covers falling away from his slim torso, shining with sweat.
"Do you still think I am?"
"I don't like to." He retorted quickly. "It's not something I'd rather think about. I don't like lying awake, looking at you and thinking 'Oh dear god, what if I'm right, and he IS Kira?' – it doesn't make for pleasant dreams."
"Then don't."
"But I can't-"
"Yes, Ryuzaki, you can." Light snapped at him, brows furrowing together in anger. "You just don't want to because we're running out of leads."
"Light-kun, please don't get angry. It's not very becoming." Ryuzaki asked, but also clearly annoyed. "Light-kun asked the question, not me."
The auburn-haired male growled as he climbed away from the bed, thankful the handcuffs were removed earlier that week as he pulled on his slacks with angry haste.
"Where is Light-kun going?"
"Out."
"Where?" Ryuzaki asked again.
"I dunno. Misa's, the house, a stripper joint."
"But Light-kun doesn't like women."
"They need to eat, too." Light growled, pulling his shirt on, buttoning the only buttons remaining on his shirt.
"So where is Light-kun going?"
"I don't have to tell you. I'll be back for work."
Ryuzaki sat up, ready to climb out when Light slammed the door on the bedroom, leaving the detective with his regrets.
The black-haired male growled, glaring at the door, tempted to throw a lamp at it or something. How dare he -
The door opened again after only a few brief seconds, Light storming back to him like an enraged bull at a confused and stunned Ryuzaki.
Ryuzaki scooted back in the sheets, fearing the possible and likely outcomes of Light Yagami's anger. "Wait, Light-kun, don't be m-" He was cut off by a rough kiss, violent, angry, and passionate.
Not one of the outcomes he was thinking of.
"Sleep well, Ryuzaki-kun. I love you." He said, then turned heel and left before the other could reply.
--
(Two months later)
--
He stared at Light for the last time, not able to make eye contact. Which was silly, and even though it was a one-way window, he couldn't look at those cinnamon eyes that stared back at him.
Watari stood by his side; his hand on the detective's shoulder. He alone knew how difficult this was to do, to carry out his promise to the public, to shatter several lives because of it. Including his? Watari stood by silently, never speaking up about the blossoming love between law keeper and law breaker. How many nights did he stay up with L, listening to him mumble on under his breath about the Yagami boy? How often did he comfort the detective that his decisions couldn't all be based on logic and reason?
"This is what happens when I let emotions rule over logic, Watari." Ryuzaki said gravely, as though he were the one in the straps, not Kira. "I nearly lost a case."
"That's what this was? Winning or losing?"
"No, it was about . . ." What was it about? Even the great L didn't know what it was about. Justice? Who's justice? Kira's? His own? Nothing seemed to be justified anymore. None of this was fair. None of it!
"Is it too late, Watari?"
"Too late . . ." Watari looked down at him, wrinkled face frowning in confusion.
"Too late to stop this!" Ryuzaki said loudly, staring at the glass. Light looked back at him, and their eyes locked onto each other. Ryuzaki and Light hadn't spoke since Mogi tranquilized him back when he was tied to the chair. This was the first eye contact they'd made through the last two months. He had to lie to Light's family, letting them think Light had died as they captured Kira. Ryuzaki let them continue to believe that their only son was a hero. Not a cold-blooded murderer.
Not his lover.
Not a liar.
Not the one for Ryuzaki.
A quiet sigh from the elder as the man inside with Light filled a needle with Death in liquid form. It was almost Light's time. Watari tightened his grip on Ryuzaki's shoulder as Light put his head back down, waiting for the fate he had agreed to since he picked up that notebook.
"Is it too late?" Ryuzaki asked one more time.
"That," he said quietly. "is up to you."
--