THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!
This is what happens when you take ANOTHER break from ANOTHER fic. Okay, I put it as an FF crossover, but there's many more, including: Grandia (I, II and possibly III), Beyblade (Because I hate it more than anything), Fruits Basket and many more! Well, no more summary. Just enjoy the crazy randomness!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or it's related characters. That is SquareSoft/Enix's. I do not own Grandia or it's related characters. I an II are owned by UbiSoft and/or Game Arts. III is owned by SquareSoft/Enix. I do not own that FOOLISH show Beyblade or it's related characters. That is owned by TV Tokyo. I do not own Fruits Basket or it's related characters. That is owned by FuNimation, or however you capitalise it. I do not own the Powerpuff Girls or the Narrator. That is owned by Cartoon Network, I think. ANYWAY! I do not own Mrs PacMan, either. I think Capcom or Namco or someone owns that. I dunno. I haven't played Mrs PacMan for ages...
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"The city of Midgar." The Narrator from the Powerpuff Girls said, right before he screamed and died so the real narrator could come.
The city of Midgar. Actually, let's make it more interesting. The city of Midgarwood! Like Hollywood, but without the fame, fortune, glamour, glitter, red carpets, oscars, and stoned actors and actresses (and directors, for that matter). But, as Seymour Guado would say, 'That actors must play their parts'. But he isn't in this scene. Sephiroth is in this scene. Why Sephiroth, you ask? Well, he's the lead character for the story, and the most interesting, with the biggest fan base. But the size of the fan base is irrelevant. He is the lead character and the most interesting for some reasons...
SEPHIROTH
Aka. Seph, Sephy, Sephiroth-San, Sephy-San, Sephy-Kun, Sephiroth-Sama, Sephy-Sama (e.t.c).
Age: Unknown (If I were to take a random guess, I'd say anywhere between twenty-five and thirty)
Occupation: SOLDIER dude, evil guy
Height: TALLER THAN THE AUTHOR! You don't see that very often... WOO!
Weapon: Masamune (Final Fantasy for 'scary long Samurai sword')
To clear any area of crowds at any gathering, just breath into your lungs until they hurt, and yell as loud as you can, waving your arms about and looking like a complete maniac:
ESTUANS INTERIUS
IRA VEHEMENTI
ESTUANS INTERIUS
IRA VEHEMENTI
SEPHIROTH!
SEPHIROTH!
And, if your a guy, you can do this to get lots of cute fan girls to crowd around you!
Anyway, back on the actual subject of Sephiroth, did you know he has... Like... Problems...? YES! I used to think Sephiroth was the coolest villian EVER! He was so cool, he couldn't even be classed as a villian with lowlifes such as Baal and Kefka and Ultimecia and Adel (or whoever the hell the evil crazy sourceress was)! He even KILLED Aeris! Nothing against Aeris, I very much like her as an FF character. He just... WENT TO THE EXTREME OF KILLING HER! And what he never realised was if FFVII and FFX were to switch characters and plots around, he would have to marry her! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (And this is coming from an AeriSeph fan!) So, he was the best...
...Until my friend came around to my house.
I doubt my friend would like me stating her name, so let's just call her Mrs PacMan. I know she's NOT Mrs PacMan, and NOTHING LIKE Mrs PacMan but I can still use the name! ARGH!
Anyway, me and Mrs PacMan decided to play on Final Fantasy VII! YAY! Well, I wanted to... None of my friends like Final Fantasy at all... I'm so lonely! (sob) So, like, we got to this point where Seph appeared. And Mrs PacMan was all 'Who the hell's that with the grey hair?', to which I replied 'That's Sephiroth, and his hair is silver, NOT grey', to which she just mumbled and shut up for a while to. But then - TTTHHHHEEEENNNNN! She blurted out with 'You know, instead of saying 'I will take over the Planet' and stuff like that, what if he suddenly said 'OH! MY GOD! THIS HAMSTER IS AMAZING!' And yes, Mrs PacMan meant it like THAT.
For a while, I was too disturbed to play FFVII. Luckily, I had already completed it in record time - THREE DAYS! But, I couldn't play it again. For a second time. Because I was DISTURBED by the HAMSTER thing! Gradually, I could play it again, and I got of the disturbance of Seph, but to this day, I am disturbed by hamsters. I can't watch Hamtaro (not like it's even ON anymore, anyway), and in my German textbook for school there are some hamsters illustrating the words for on, under, over (e.t.c) auf Deutch. Needless to say, the words AND the fact that hamsters were illustrating it was quite inappropriate, just a few days after Mrs PacMan's visit.
So, Sephy doesn't actually have any in-game problems... Wait... Well, he IS obsessed with his Mother. Jenova, that is. NOT Lucrecia. I don't even think he ever sat down and thought logically about who his Mother was. Lucrecia was alive, wasn't she? She was partially... She lived in that cave... HA! Imagine if he came across that cave, though... Well, logically he wouln't be able to unless he had a submarine... BUT HE'S SEPHIROTH! He can do ANYTHING (within reason)!
Anyhoo, I'll bet you're wondering why Midgarwood was introduced. Well, I'll tell you. Midgar had been moved to the mountain, which was a few strides on the OverWorld Map North, I think, of Midgar's original site. I have no idea WHY they moved it... Shinra probably ran out of Mako energy there, and thought there might be more it the mountains. WHATEVER! The logic of Final Fantasy VII confuses me slightly. Anyway, the big chunky lettering was on the mountain! YAY! MIDGARWOOD! WOOO! But, apart from that, it was still... Midgar... It still had the top plate, and the slums, and Shinra... By the way, just incase you were wondering, the original Midgar was just a load of moss-covered rubble now, like they showed in 500 years later. Except 500 years later, Midgarwood was on the mountain still! WOO! Unfortunatly, Red XIII was the only character who lived that long. But that's irrelevant.
Well, back to Sephiroth, he didn't actually LIVE in Midgarwood. No... Because then the Shinra, and Cloud and his team, would be onto him, and probably try to kill him again for being such an uptight Momma's Boy who killed Aeris and cost the corps MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF GIL in damage repairs! ARGH! How annoying for him. So, he bought a house in Kalm. But what he DIDN'T realise was that Kalm was the main center of activity for DIRGE OF CERBERUS! NNNNOOOOOO! And Dirge of Cerberus meant that an underground section of SOLDIER would come, and so would (dun-dun-dddduuuunnnn!) VINCENT! AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH! And he didn't want that, so he just moved to where NO ONE would EVER find him! He bought the Villa in Costa del Sol! GET IT? He bought a Villa in, because he's a VILLA-IN! A VILLAIN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! Actually, no... It was just a coincidence.
Here, he spent countless days reading newspapers... Newspapers that just came to the door randomly. And drinking milk. Milk that just came to the door randomly. I think the Shinra pay for the newspapers and milk, because it was owned by President Shinra... Never got past to Rufus in his will though... Oh, how AWFUL! Cloud tried to buy it, but realised it was too much Gil for that point of the game. It was pointless anyway, seeing as Cloud was on a journey, and the Inn was right next door! And even CLOUD was INTELLIGENT enough to realise THAT! Unless of course Cloud DID buy the Villa, and he's paying for the bills whilst Seph just lives in it... Secretly... It's not like Cloud uses it anyway, he's in Midgarwood!
In Midgarwood, all the playable FFVII characters, apart from Aeris, who is dead, and Sephiroth who is in Costa del Sol (duh!), and also wasn't ACTUALLY playable, were having a Karaoke contest in the 7th Heaven number 3! YAY! The first 7th Heaven was crushed near the start of the game, the second left in Midgar, so this one is the third! YAY! Cloud, seeing as he is the main character of FFVII, went up first. Of course, he's probably the worst singer... Actually, no, he's probably the best... No, the best of the guys behind Vincent. Yup. That'll do. But that didn't mean he could SING in TUNE!
"IF ONLY TTTEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSS COULD BRING YOU BBAAAAAACCCCKKKKKK TO MMMMMMEEEEEEEE!" He sang to the Pokémon soundtrack. It was If Only Tears Could Bring You Back by Midnight Sons. Which was on the Pokémon soundtrack. The first movie sountrack, that was. He was singing about Aeris! HOW CUTE! "IF ONLY LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEE COULD FFFFFFFFIIIIIIINNNNNDDDDD A WWWWAAAYYYYY!"
Everyone's ears were plugged, and the microphone was squeaking as microphones do when you turn them on and you accidently step on the wire. But Cloud was probably doing it on purpose, because he thought it was cool and he's Cloud... like that... Well, this is what THOSE characters are doing. Seeing as Sephiroth is our MAIN point of FOCUS, let's just GO BACK to the COSTA DEL SOL!
CHAPTER ONE - THE QUEST BEGINS!
It was a lovely morning, and there is NO time change between Midgarwood and Costa del Sol, which means Cloud and his friends WERE having a Karaoke contest at 10am. But do they care? No. They do not. Anyway, Sephiroth had just got up... Wwwwhhhheeeennnnnn... THE PHONE RANG! And it was an annoyingly loud phone. And Seph was still half asleep. He had considered changing it, but he didn't even know if he was the real owner of the Villa or not, so he didn't change anything.
"WHAT?" He yelled down the phone after snatching it from the wall. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Mr Sephiroth, sir! I've finally found you!" It was the annoying TV show guy that always ALWAYS (did I fail to mention?) finds where Seph is! NOO!
"IT'S YOU AGAIN! I TOLD YOU - I AM NOT GOING ON YOUR STUPID SHOW! NEVER, NO WAY, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS! NOT EVEN IF HELL FREEZES OVER!" Seph just shouted, and then he broke the phone. Why? I dunno. He likes to break stuff.
About thirty seconds later... HIS CELL PHONE RANG! And it had an annoyingly... ANNOYING ringtone! He had considered changing it, but poor Sephy-San was too illogical to change it... It's not like he's the most intelligent Final Fantasy bad guy.
"WHAT?" He yelled, answering, thinking it was the TV guy. But, little did he know, the poor TV guy had just been fired twenty seconds ago, and would never EVER be calling Seph again!
"I know you're alone..." A sinister voice said.
"Yeah, so?" Sephiroth just said. I don't think he's ever seen The Ring or anything like that.
"Uhh... Well..." The sinister voice said uneasily.
Then there was a silence, and without thinking that the sinister voice personage was trying to think of something sinister to say, Seph just turned his cell phone off. He knew how to do that, at least. And that way NO ONE could ring him!
But then, the main phone was broken! GASP! He didn't know he broke it! GASP! And Sephiroth was now COMPLETLY UNABLE to call a repair guy! GASP! Actually, he could have used the pay phone RIGHT outside the Villa, but he didn't have any spare Gil (if he did, he wouldn't be living off milk and newspapers, would he? The only reason he CAN survive from milk and newspapers is because, well... HE'S SEPHIROTH! And he can do ANYTHING...within reason! He could have also used his cell phone, but the off-peak tariff at that time in the morning was ABSOLUTLY THROUGH THE ROOF! AAAAAGGGHHHH! Plus, the sinister voice could have called him. And he didn't want that, because even though he's pretty illogical, it's not like he's STUPID. And we all know that Seph doesn't like being bothered without a good reason.
There was ONE way he could call for a repair personage get the phone fixed...
...THE INTERNET! YAY!
There was a computer in the basement! YAY! And even though he's illogical, Sephiroth KNOWS how to use a COMPUTER! Computers are useful things, aren't they? If I didn't have one, I wouldn't be writing this lovely story! YAY! Anyway, he sat down and went on the internet. And even though he's illogical, Sephiroth KNOWS how to use the INTERNET!
Umm... The problem was he was too illogical to know where to look for phone repair people. Confused, Seph just scoured the wonderfulness that is Yahoo Broadband! YAY!
Which was when he came to the News page! YAY! Even though he reads newspapers... It's not like he pays attention to them... Why? HE'S TOO ILLOGICAL! He often reads them upside down. I'd hate to know what would happen if he had to use a map! So, News! YAY! News he could FINALLY understand! But it's not like he thanked the One Winged Angels that there was finally NEWS he could UNDERSTAND, because One - He's Sephiroth... THINK ABOUT IT! Two - He IS the One Winged Angel, and Three - In addition to Two, Cloud is pretty much the only other One Winged Angel (and that was in Kingdom Hearts), and Seph would NEVER thank Cloud for ANYTHING except being a total LOSER and making him look like the greatest FF Villain EVER! EEEEVVVVEEERRR! So, if this story is going to progress, he read through the News page... Which was just the WONDERFULNESS of SHINRA and the DISAPPEARANCE of METEOR which was CAUSED BY SHINRA! Of course, Seph had ALWAYS though that Shinra had talked outta their ass. OF COURSE THEY DID! A few years ago they stated Sephiroth as DEAD! What a bunch of L-O-S-E-R-S!
But then, THHHEEEENNNN! He came to a HORRIBLE story! A SHOCKINGLY HORRIBLE story! An AWFUL, TWISTED, IMPOSSIBLY SHOCKINGLY HORRIBLE story! And you could go on with adjectives for another ten lines, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO! It was bad, okay?
The headline read: ALL STOCKS EVIL BRAND OF HAIR PRODUCTS STOLEN!
(Midgarwood style Dun-dun-DDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!) ALL STOCK OF THE EVIL BRAND OF HAIR PRODUCTS THAT AAAALLLLL VILLIANS USE WERE STOLEN! AND THEN THE FACTORY EXPLODED! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why did the factory explode? Because whoever STOLE the stocks wanted to make the factory go KA-BOOM so that they couldn't make ANY MORE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Why did Sephiroth care? Well, let me tell you now.
You may or may not have noticed Sephiroth's CRAZY BANGS! What are the crazy bangs, you who do not know ask? Well, they're the CRAZY BANGS! I can't really describe them any further. Yes, Seph's hair is long, we all know that, but THE CRAZY BANGS are just... COOLER than the fact that his HAIR is LONG! But... BUT! They're only THAT way because he uses EVIL HAIR-GEL! How else? It's not like that's how his hair was when he was a kid... He probably bought hair-gel when he was fourteen or fifteen or some random teenage age and gelled parts of his fringe to make CRAZY BANGS! YYAAAYYY! Then all the girls at school began to like him, and then all the guys began to hate him because all the girls liked him. And all the teachers who had found his hair UNACCEPTABLE to BEGIN with and would never BELIEVE that SILVER was a NATURAL colour EXPELLED him! But that's okay. He couldn't be expelled. He had too many connections with Shinra. So he went back. And then all the guys that pissed him off because all the girls liked him ALL ended up hospitalised because... Well... THEY PISSED SEPHIROTH OFF! You're lucky to survive if you do that! Even if he WAS too young at that point to own the Masamune, or any sword for that matter. It makes me wonder why Auron trusted Tidus with Jecht's sword at the beginning of FFX. OH WELL! So, even after fights he couldn't be expelled. It was what Shinra wanted, and Shinra owns everything, so there! But then, THEN, the evil hair-gel began to take root! It wasn't until another five or six or whatever years of using it that it actually turned him evil and caused him to burn down Nibelheim, but STILL. That is the origin of the CRAZY BANGS!
And without the crazy bangs, Sephiroth is NOTHING. NNNOOOTTTTHHHHIIIINNNNNGGGGG! not even the LENGTH of his hair could go against the crazy bangs. The crazy bangs are just... COOL! And they ARE the part that requires EVIL HAIR-GEL, so they're the actual EVIL part! NNNOOOOOOOOO! IT'S A DISASTER! And to make things worse... HE HAD RUN OUT OF IT! NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But it was alright, at that point anyway... His hair could hold for another three more days...
BUT IT WAS STILL BAD BECAUSE THE EVIL HAIR-GEL WAS STOLEN AND THE FACTORY HAD GONE KA-BOOM! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! And don't think Seph wasn't PANICKING! Actually, no... No, he wasn't. Why? Because he's SEPHIROTH! And he DOESN'T panick! And even though he's ILLOGICAL, he just tried to think of a way to get around it...
...And then... HE HAD A GREAT IDEA! He could go kick whoever's ass stole the hair stuff, and CLAIM the EVIL HAIR-GEL! Except... He didn't know who stole it...
...So, he sat and thought for twenty minutes...
...And then... HE HAD ANOTHER GREAT IDEA! He would find someone who MIGHT have stolen it! Except... He didn't know who MIGHT have stolen it...
...So, he thought for another ten minutes...
...Who is evil enough to steal ALL the evil hair products AND cause the factory to explode? Why, someone who is evil and doesn't USE hair products! Except... He didn't know of anyone like that...
...So, he thought for another five minutes...
...And then, Seph came to a conclusion... There was ONE person he knew of... And that was...
...KEFKA! Dun-dun-duunn!
And so, Sephiroth decided to go to the world of FFVI, to confront Kefka about the evil hair products...
BASS IT!
(Okay. That's chapter one... Phew! This will take a while, huh? I hope you're enjoying it so far... Well, see ya in the next chapter! By the way, Bass It indicates the end of a chapter, just so you know...)