He leaves, he appears
Snow. He had been gone for three years. Not a peep, not a whisper – not a trace of where the man who was supposed to love me had gone.
Then he turns up. Not Snow, but someone different. Someone young, wide-eyed and… looking for me. Looking for me. I couldn't remember the last time that anyone had given me that fluster, that spark, that invigoration.
After Snow's departure New Bodhum rumbled along at a steady pace. NORA had done a great job of laying the foundations of what could well be a blossoming community in years to come. I found myself slipping into the easy routine of teaching the kids in the day and helping out around the house in the evening. The situation that we'd found ourselves in after The Fall had demanded so much of humanity that it was almost forced upon each and every one of the survivors to pitch in, give our two gil, and help our exodus to Pulse. Leaders had risen and guided Cocoon's stranded population to safety, and due to the circumstances, a lot of people got swept along and found themselves with new pressures and responsibilities.
Some of these responsibilities didn't come willingly. How did I get to be a teacher? I'm sure peoples' opinion of me was one of an obedient and caring little lady – who else to help the youngest members of New Bodhum grow up? Look at how cute and lovely Serah is! Awww, I heard that her other half is off on a brave mission to get her sister back – oh no that must be awful!
But then, how many of us here have been widowed by the Fall? My eyes and ears aren't as naïve as people seem to think – we've all paid heavily for freedom from the Fal'Cie. So many of my friends and neighbours on Cocoon can't be with us in this new society of ours. Those long hours before sleep are sometimes haunted by images and memories of what we had…what I had. I had a family who cared for me, and someone special to love me.
That someone special had been one of the survivors. Not just a survivor, one of the most instrumental people in bringing about the Fall, giving humanity its deserved freedom, and yet, he had departed so swiftly afterwards. I had wanted to celebrate with him – reunion, at last! From crystal to flesh, it felt as if I had been reborn, and the stories Snow and the others told me filled me with pride and joy. To think – it had been him, it had been my Snow that had stood shoulder to shoulder with these heroes, and brought real change to our world.
So why, the fuck, did I wait these 3 years? I guess there were many reasons why I let it happen. Lightning. He had promised to find her. Trust me, I wanted to know where Lightning had gone, but I'm sure I saw her at the base of the crystal pillar, so why did Snow need to search for her like she was lost? She was right…here. Wasn't she? I was so confused, my emotions were shot, I didn't know what was going to happen… I guess I just let it overwhelm me. Nodding at the right time, saying yes to things, trying to see 'the bigger picture', getting my head straight. And Snow, he was always so good at calming me down. Enveloping my shoulders with his giant paws, always finding the right words to say, his tenor cadences always striking the right chords within me. I could almost hate him for it – but how could I at that moment? That moment in which I needed reassurance and attention, he could give it to me, and make me see reason. Reason enough to let him go again, even when I'd only just got him back.
Damn you Snow, didn't it hurt you too? Didn't you want to be with me, spend time with me? For all your initial shows of affection and love, they felt muted and underwhelming. Don't tell me you were thinking about Lightning - in that first moment of reunion that you claimed to have been striving towards ever since I was encased in crystal, please don't tell me you had anyone else on your mind.
Each passing day caused my memories of Snow to blur and fade that little bit more. All those sweet nothings and promises forged with reckless abandon… time has caused them to ring hollow in my mind. They leave a bad taste in my mouth. I wake myself, tossing and turning, spitting his name into the night, letting the pillow feel the force of my increasingly acerbic notions. Why? At first I thought guilty at having these feelings. I mean, he was only trying to do good! I could see the logic in it, but sometimes, logic isn't everything. It wasn't logical for my mind to wander as time ebbed away, it wasn't supposed to be easy for me to see the holes and pitfalls in Snow's grand plan. It should've been simple enough to remember; he loved me, he will come back for me.
But, people have a certain knack to adapt. Sometimes this adaptability helps and makes us stronger. Take NORA for example, they managed to turn their ragtag bunch into a respectable party. They stepped up to the plate when fate dealt them a rough hand, and came out as better individuals through their innate ability to love and care for others enough to start a colony.
All I seem to have done is sow the seeds of doubt into my own mind. Sure, there are good days, good weeks, in which I love the settlement, the kids, the guys. But, all too quickly I find myself alone in my room, or forming a crease in the sand, watching the waves lap a reflection of Cocoon towards me. It hangs, like a spectre over us, day and night. It symbolises everything that was taken from me, from everyone, and yet, I cannot help but be bowled over by its irresistible beauty. But its beauty cannot detract from the pain it has caused me. Snow is gone, my sister is lost, and I am stuck here, waiting, like some fucking child twiddling her thumbs while all the big boys and girls go off and do grown up stuff. Like saving lives or re-creating civilisation.
Well I don't want this. I don't fucking want this anymore. I want something, someone, to take me away from all this, to give me meaning - to give me a purpose.
How ironic. We were all so scared of a bestowed purpose, look what it did to me, to Fang and Vanille, but now, that is all I want. How masochistic – to want something that hurts.
If it hurts, then I will feel it. Thank the Maker! The ability to feel…. Oh how I miss you. I miss the tugging on the heart strings, the knotting of my stomach, the pinching of the breath in my lungs. I seem to have lost that ability gradually, as if I was fading away equilateral to Snow's continued absence. How I wished to feel again…
Noel. He had been here for three seconds. He had been in my dream, he had appeared in a chaos, and now he was my saviour – is he the one? Is he the one to take me away, to give me a purpose, to give me…love? He holds out a weapon: "Can you fight?"
"If I have to" I stammer back, fighting to focus my senses.
"You have to" he replies, his serious tone leaving no ends for negotiation. Not that options have ever been entitled to me since The Fall. A pit of despair opened under me, my body betraying my will to fight. I'm so scared… is this the way it all ends?
Turning his back, the man with dual blades barks the instruction that changes me: "One more thing. Don't ever lay down and wait to die!"
It felt like I was watching the conflict on the beach spin in front of me, as if the power of those words had changed my focus. It would be this side of the battle I was taking. I was no longer the pathetic, weak-willed Serah, but the one who took up arms against the things that interrupted my life. To get back the life I want, the people I want, I will do this. I will fight!
I try not to get to ahead of myself as he squares up to another group of these metallic bug things that have appeared on the beach in front of us, his hands clenching and flexing against the handles of his foreign weapons. With graceful slashes he dispatches the two enemies, his movements honed with skill and precision timing. One blade falling over the other, cutting a swathe through the spawning beasts. Watching this unfold before my eyes, how this man could appear from nowhere, dispel my nightmare, save Lebreau and equip me with a means to finally break out of the shell I had encased myself in, I felt new life within me.
Half a smile subconsciously creeps into the corner of my mouth as I stand, testing the give on the strings of my new weapon…
"Hey, wait for me!"