This is my first fan fic. So I wasn't sure about the rating and am happy to change it if people become offended. If you want to leave me a review that would be very much appreciated, be as honest as you want! Hope you enjoy. Sisi xx
DISCLAIMER: The Mighty Boosh belongs to Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett, of which I am neither.
Flames of Love
The shop door swung open. Howard Moon, man of action, turned the page of his magazine without looking up.
"Well?" frowned the electro-goth from the doorway.
"What?" sighed Howard still failing to look up.
"Look at me then!" urged Vince stepping into the Nabootique and letting the door shut behind him. Howard peeled his eyes away from a particularly interesting article on 'Hot Wee Wee Jefferson (The Cystitis Kid) and looked up to see Vince posing, hands on hips grinning daftly. Howard's eyes widened to normal human size as he saw Vince's get up.
"What - is - that?" asked Howard stifling a giggle.
"This…is the deep-sea-diver-all-in-one-suit." grinned Vince proudly "It's back in fashion."
"BACK in fashion?!"
"You're right. The deep-sea-diver-all-in-one-suit never really goes out of fashion."
"Where's the helmet?"
"I can't put a helmet over this hair. If people can't see my hair they go mad. There'd be riots in the streets." said Vince as he walked awkwardly towards the counter.
"You can't even move properly, you berk!"
"I don't need to move."
"How do you expect to sell anything if you can't move?"
"I don't need to sell anything. When you're dressed as fashionably as me, things sell themselves. In fact, I was walking down the road just now and I accidentally sold an old cola can to a man for 26 euros."
"You sold a man litter?."
"I didn't mean to, Howard. It just happened." Howard shook his head disapprovingly as a woman he recognised as the local librarian entered the shop.
"This is a sophisticated woman, Vince. Let me handle this one." muttered Howard in Vince's ear and steering the librarian in the direction of the jazz records "Can I interest you in some jazz-funk?". The librarian left five minutes later with two deep-sea-diver-all-in-one-suits and a book entitled 'Britain's 101 Best Ice-Creams and Where to Find Them'.
"Genius!" said Vince looking at the great wad of euros he'd just been handed "Look at all this money."
"Yes, you're very clever aren't you?" scowled Howard who had gone back to sulkily flicking through the pages of his magazine. "How much did you sell those suits for?"
"200,000 euros. Bargain. I paid twice that for mine but it is made of the best fabrics. Feel that." he said holding out his arm
"No thank you."
"Go on, it feels like being caressed with a natural yoghurt."
Howard rolled his eyes exasperated and announced his shift was over telling Vince he would have to manage on his own until closing time. Vince moaned loudly but Howard ignored him and disappeared quickly up the small flight of stairs. Howard hadn't meant to be so angry but he couldn't help it. That rock-ponce had everything so easy. Like the time they'd gone fishing. Howard hadn't caught single fish but Vince had even needed to use a rod.
Howard slumped down on the sofa. He was still annoyed but the guilt of leaving Vince alone downstairs was starting to nag at his conscience. Howard knew that this was jealous anger and he didn't like it. Then again being jealous of Vince was as natural as night following day. Everybody looked at Vince, everybody loved Vince, everybody paid Vince all of the attention and that would have been fine, except, no one paid Howard any attention at all.
Howard understood the obsession people had with Vince, of course he did. Howard was plain and generic looking. A suede elbow patch to Vince's rainbow coloured cape. If Howard was full of jealousy and jazz then Vince was full of sunshine and silliness. And Vince looked cool, he stood out from the crowd, that big hair and those crazy clothes, those beautiful blue eyes.
Wait, had Howard just thought of Vince's eyes as beautiful? That was new. Howard had spent his life in ore of Vince but he'd never once thought of him as beautiful before. Howard certainly wasn't gay. What was it Vince had said to him at that party once "You're like the least gay person I know." But Vince was the confuser and since that illicit kiss on the rooftop Howard had found himself becoming increasingly confused.
Vince sighed heavily as he leant on the counter. He hadn't taken into account just how uncomfortable and unbearably hot this new outfit was. He looked up at the numerous clocks on the wall, still 30 minutes before he could shut up shop.
'Stupid Howard' he thought 'Why'd he have to storm off like that?'. It wasn't Vince's fault he was a better shop keeper or had a better dress sense or better hair. Anyway, he thought Howard would have liked his new outfit. He looked up at the clocks again. 29 minutes before he could shut up shop.
"Cheer up" said a small girl appearing in front of the counter "it might never happen."
"It already has, that's why I'm miserable. What can I help you with?"
"Can I have this pencil top please?"
"Sure" said Vince selling it to her for five euros. The girl looked ecstatically happy and starting jabbering something about how the last time she'd asked for a pencil top she'd been kicked by a llama. Vince listened politely hoping that this story would take up some of his Howard-less time. When she left he took another look at the clocks. 25 minutes before he could shut up shop.
15 minutes before he could shut up shop. He wished Howard were with him. He'd make it fun. He always made things fun, take stationary village for example, only Howard could take something as simple as stationary and turn it into a tiny world. Vince smiled to himself as he thought of the care and attention Howard put into stationary village. He had often found himself wondering if Howard took that kind of care and attention over anything else, over anyone else. He remembered something Howard had said at that party "if I don't get some action soon I'm going gay." Vince had become excited by that but then Howard had said those words, the words that tore Vince apart inside "Don't worry, I won't fancy you".
Around an hour later Vince and Howard settled down to a candle lit homemade meal for four. Howard had felt guilty about leaving Vince alone in the shop so, in an attempt to make it up to him, he cooked Vince's favourite meal, chicken and mushroom pie, for himself, Vince, Naboo and Bollo. However, Naboo and Bollo seemed to have some sort of shamanistic business to take care of or at least when they saw Howard preparing the meal Naboo muttered something about needing to go somewhere urgently. When Vince had asked what it was Naboo became uncharacteristically flustered and mumbled
"top secret, I can't tell you". He also seemed obsessed with telling Vince where the candles and matched were kept.
"We wont need candles," grinned Vince "we've got light bulbs."
"You never know what might happen" said Naboo mysteriously "just remember, don't use my red candle. It's full of bad joo-joo." Vince nodded absent-mindedly whilst humming along to electro boy.
"Yer Naboo, sure… Crystal Moccasins, Bionic Cheese, I am electro boy." Naboo seemed satisfied and he and Bollo left.
"Where we going Naboo? We got no where to be. Bollo want pie!" protested Bollo.
"Shhhh, Bollo. Come on" said Naboo hustling him towards the stairs.
If either Howard or Vince had looked out of the window they'd have seen Bollo skulk to the electrical box and rip the wires to shreds. However, both men were to preoccupied with the food, so the power cut that followed came as a shock.
"Lucky Naboo showed me where the candles were." said Vince lighting the big red candle which sparked in to life.
"hmmm, lucky" frowned Howard sceptically.
"Wow!" said Vince watching the candle intensely as the bright flame began to change colour slowly. "Did you see that? It was like when you put sodium-chloride on a Bunsen burner."
"Salt?" asked Howard puzzled
"No thanks." smiled Vince "wow, isn't this candle amazing? It's so romantic."
Howard cleared his throat uncomfortably and Vince giggled to himself as the candle changed from red to a dazzling yellow.
"Ahh, it's so bright." said Vince cowering behind his hands.
"What is?" asked Howard concerned. No sooner that he had the candle turned blue.
"Howaaaaard?"
"Yes."
"What colour is the candle?"
"Look at it yourself."
"I want to know what colour you see."
"Green."
"hmmm" said Vince furrowing his brow. He was sure the candle was telling him something, but what?
Howard watched Vince's face puzzling over the candle for a few moments before putting his own theory to work.
"Your hair looks flat today." said Howard watching the candle flick quickly from green to pink as Vince retaliated angrily.
"Yer, well… council does your hair." Howard smiled to himself
"Sorry, did I say flat? I meant great, better than normal." Howard watched the candle intently as it became bright yellow and then settled back on red.
In fact, Howard was concentrating so hard on the candle he missed the goth-fairy blush prettily whilst gazing at Howard through those big blue eyes. Howard had cracked it now though, but just to be sure he said
"Do you remember the time we wore those hats?"
"The hat times" grinned Vince launching into a crimp as the candle shone a lovely shade of burnt orange.
'Okay,' thought Howard 'so the candle depicts Vince's emotions. It seems:
Blue Concerned
Yellow Embarrassed
Orange Happy
Green Thinking
Pink Angry
But what was red? Why did the candle keep resting on red? And the candle remained red for the rest of the meal with the odd venture into orange and now and again yellow.
Vince had long since given up trying to work out what the candle meant and when they'd finished eating he started complaining endlessly about his deep-sea-diver-all-in-one-suit. Howard wasn't sure what was more annoying, Vince's incessant moaning and whinging or the bright pink flame from the candle but what ever it was he found himself snapping.
"Take it off then!"
"Whoa! Did you see how pink the candle was then?" asked Vince "oh. It's back to red now."
'hmmm, so I'm red too' thought Howard 'that's interesting.'
"You know." said Vince after a few minutes "I think I am going to take this suit off." and he started to pull off his heavy boots. He unclamped the metal colour from his neck. Howard couldn't help but watch… stare. Vince giggled
"It's burning really bright red now." To Howard the candle was turning a furious shade of pink as Vince tried to reach a zip hidden on the back of his suit.
Eventually, Vince became fed-up and asked Howard to unzip it for him. Howard obliged. As he reached out for the zip Howard found his hands were shaking. He began to unzip the suit and the candle burnt such a bright red Howard could hardly see through squinting. Vince was clearly having similar problems as by the time the suit was fully unzipped Vince covered his face with his hands and scuttled quickly to his room.
Howard, realising Vince would probably take a while made a start on washing the dishes. By the time Vince returned, wearing one of his usual all in one suits slashed to the naval, Howard had finished the dishes and completed two crosswords.
Howard looked up as Vince reappeared. He'd redone his hair and his make-up and Howard was totally taken in by his appearance until his thoughts were shattered by Vince's scream.
"AHH! JEEZ, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CANDLE?" yelled Vince turning away from the candle.
Howard looked at the candle, to him it was still a dull red glow but it was clearly blinding Vince. Suddenly it all became clear. He stood up uneasily. He wasn't sure he was right, but there was only one way to find out. He walked towards Vince, slowly at first, then faster and faster. With every step he took the candle burnt brighter and brighter until he was just inches form Vince who'd stopped wincing in favour of holding Howard's gaze.
Howard reached up tentatively and cupped Vince's cheek. The touch sent sparks down Vince's spine and he shivered as Howard moved his hand down Vince's face to his neck. Then, unable to hold himself back anymore, Howard closed the gap between them kissing Vince hard. To his relief he felt Vince begin to kiss him back as Howard slid his own hands down slowly to Vince's waste. Eventually, they broke apart gasping for air.
"I was wondering how long it would take you to work out what red was." smiled Vince
"Wait," said Howard in disbelief "You knew?"
"I knew what the candle did" grinned Vince "It was written on some instructions. Red equals love. It's obvious isn't it?"
"Love? Is that what this is?"
"Well, that's what the instructions said red meant."
"Red is also the international colour for danger."
"Well," breathed Vince reaching up to kiss Howard again. "I am a little bit of both.". With that Vince grabbed Howard by the belt and dragged him towards his room.
Outside, a tiny shaman and his gorilla familiar looked up at the flat each wearing a welding mask to prevent them from being blinded by the bright red flame of the candle.
"See," said the shaman smugly "I knew it. If you tell Vince not to do something it's a sure-fire way of getting it done." Bollo grunted in agreement.
"Well," continued Naboo "It seems those two are finally giving in to their suppressed feelings. I think you can turn the power back on now Bollo." Bollo looked at the shredded wires in the electrical box.
"uh, I don't that's going to be so easy." Naboo looked at the shredded wires.
"Bollo you ballbag. I said unplug it." lisped Naboo angrily
"uh, sorry." growled Bollo.
"Come on," said Naboo removing his mask as the candle light began to die down. "let's go up."
Naboo and Bollo popped their head's around Vince's door. Howard was propped up against a pillow, head lolling forward, fast asleep and draped across his chest the raven-haired beauty that was Vince Noir.
"I got a good feeling about this." growled Bollo and Naboo nodded ushering him out of the door and closing it quietly behind them.