Author: Pirate Turner
Author's Thanks/Dedication: As always, written with my kids, and in this particular case, my son-in-law, in mind, and with special thanks to my beloved Jack for the purrfect title! A special nod also goes out to Animeangel088, whose request for a new Salem fic set my mind to thinking just in time for the holiday. Happy St. Patty's Day, lads an' lassies!
Rating: PG-13 for mentions of violence
Summary: Salem celebrates St. Patrick's Day, much to Sabrina's chagrin.
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Anti-Spellman; Holiday fic; Mildly references Het, Slash, and Femme Slash but no pairing with any of the fandom characters
Challenge: None
Word Count (excluding heading): 1,813
Feedback: Yes, please!
Archive: WWOMB, -- Anybody else, ask, and I'll probably grant permission.
Disclaimer: Salem Saberhagen; Sabrina, Zelda, and Hilda Spellman; and Sabrina The Teenage Witch are & TM their respective owners, not the author, and are used without permission. Everything else is & TM the author. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Jubilant music greeted Sabrina the moment she opened the door to her home. She frowned, knowing her aunts should both still be at work. What was that cat up to now?
She darted up the stairs to her room and threw open the door, but of all the things she might have expected to find, none was what met her startled eyes. She stood in the doorway, her mouth wide open but no words coming out. She shook her head and rubbed her eyes, but still they remained, hanging on every available nook and cranny of her bedroom.
Salem sat in the very middle of her bed, stretched out over her pillows, with a gaggle of tiny, green girls surrounding him. They stroked his fur and massaged his paws. One -- no, wait, she strained to see clearly -- was that a male fanning him with a large leaf?!
Salem's contented purr resonated throughout the room, and Sabrina wondered how on Earth she hadn't heard it until she'd opened her bedroom door for it sounded like it would carry on for miles and miles. His long, black tail swished lazily from side to side, and even that part of him had three little people attached, each doing their best to stroke every strand of fur and massage out any crooks he might have.
More of the little people filled her room. They were the tinniest beings she had ever seen, and most were dressed from head to toe in green. Several were making music on the tiniest instruments Sabrina had ever before seen in her entire life, and many were dancing. Her eyes widened even more as she realized that there were both men and women pairs as well as male and female couples waltzing across her floor.
There were little people dancing on her window seat, using her computer, and leafing through her magic Book. Still others were skydiving off of her dresser. She gave an indignant shriek when she realized that they were using her braziers for parachutes. "GET OUT OF THERE!" she yelled at them as she raced across the floor. She snatched her bras up, shoved them into back into their drawer, and rapidly shut the drawer without any notice of the tiny people she sent falling onto the floor, trapped inside the drawer, or nearly crushed both underfoot and in the seal of the drawer. Her ears were deaf to their panicked and hurt screams.
She had no sooner turned around from shutting her underwear drawer than she heard a pipe-sized voice call, "Hey! Here's a good one, me boyos!" The tiny man started to chant, and Sabrina rushed across the room, causing another cacophony of screams as the Leprechauns scurried to keep from being stepped on, to close the Book before he could really get the spell going.
"Salem," Sabrina demanded, hugging the Book to her chest and whirling on the cat, "what is the meaning of this?!"
He yawned in her face. "It's Saint Patrick's Day, of course," he replied, his purr somehow never missing a beat. "Don't you ever keep up with the days, Sabrina?" Then his purr abruptly stopped, and his green eyes zeroed in on her face. His feline wrath shimmered in his emerald orbs, and Sabrina suddenly felt chilled to the bone as, for just a moment, she could easily imagine the kind of power he had once wielded. His tail cut through the air like a striking snake. "And that is no way to treat my friends."
More of the little people began to swarm around Salem while others strained with all their might to open the drawer where Sabrina had ensealed some of their friends. Their jubilant moods seemed to be vanished now, and their faces darkened as they stared up at Sabrina. Salem had told them all, at one time or another, of the horrors that Sabrina and her aunts put him through, and now each of those stories was springing freshly to their minds and hearts.
"This must be th' young Witchling ye were tellin' us 'bout," one of the many tiny beings on Sabrina's bed commented.
"Yes, it is." His tail cut through the air, and Sabrina wondered frightfully why it felt like a death sentence being written. "Poor dear," Salem continued with the same faux care that she and her aunts had so often used carelessly on him. "She's so dreadfully behind the times."
She was behind the times?! She sputtered as red filled her face. A cat who lived in the past and whose friends were all ancient dared to say that she was behind the times!?! "I'll tell you what's behind the times!" she exclaimed hotly. "This whole mess! What are these people supposed to be any way?!" she snapped. "Leprechauns?!" She snorted as though the mere idea was as ridiculous as she would have once found Witchcraft being real.
"Aye, tha' we are," one of the little men said. He wore a strange hat on his head, but Sabrina didn't bother to notice that it was bigger and more regal in appearance than any of the other hats the rest of the Leprechauns wore.
"Sabrina," Salem warned, "be careful. You do not want to insult the People." His paws kneaded the bed as the Leprechauns surrounding his front paws backed away to give him room.
Sabrina ignored him. "Then where's your pot of gold?" she demanded of the little people.
"Wouldn't ye like tae knae, lassie?"
"Yeah, I would so I could send you packing from my room! Salem, I've told you about throwing parties in my bedroom! Get your own room!"
Salem frowned as his tail cut slowly through the air. "If only I could," he murmured, and that was enough for the Leprechauns, who all seemed to start speaking at once.
"Listen tae the way she talks tae our Salem!"
"So disrespectful!"
"Tisk! Tisk!"
"How dare she speak so tae our Salem!"
"I t'ink this lass has grown tae big fer her own good!"
"I knae she has!"
"An' ye knae o' th' t'ings she's done tae 'im!"
"Tha' they all 'ave!"
"They should be whipped!"
"Nae! They should be fed tae th' ants wit' th' honey o' th' bees roastin' their flesh!"
"Och, aye, but if'n we di that, They'll come a lookin'!"
"We can nae ha' that!"
"Nae!"
One of the particularly tiny ones blustered straight up to Sabrina's shoes and gave her a tinny kick that she didn't even feel. His face, which was now red from the fury that filled his soul, glared up at her. "I'll have ye knae, lass, tha' Salem Saberhagen 'tis th' greatest Warlock who e'er lived!"
A strong chorus of "AYE!"s went up amongst the crowd of little people as the one at Sabrina's shoes continued, "Ye should at th' very least ha'e yer blasted tongue removed by slow fryin' it fer deignin' tae speak tae him so!"
"But we can nae di tha', nae wit'out causin' our dear Salem more trouble!"
"Ah, but he likes trouble!"
"Nae th' kind tha' involves th' Council, ye nitwit!"
"Enough of this jabberwockyin'!" declared the one with the biggest hat as he strode forward again. He hopped off of the bed and walked straight to Sabrina. His pudgy finger shook at her with each word that popped out of his mouth. "Th' fact remains tha' Salem 'tis th' greatest Warlock who e'er lived, an' we, the People, are proud to lay our allegiance tae his feet, rather they be flesh or furred! Ye are nae fit tae speak his name aloud, wench, let alone tae speak so tae him! There 'tis much we'd like tae di tae ye, but as our dear Salem might suffer if we di what we'd truly like tae, we'll let ye off this time wit' a warnin' an' a wee lesson!" He grinned mischievously from pointed ear to pointed ear as he spoke the last, and Sabrina shivered for it seemed to her that the Devil danced in his eyes.
"One day, lassie," he continued, "Salem will rule th' world, an' when he does, we'll be there wit' 'im an' then ye'll knae th' kind o' pain ye've put 'im through fer we'll put ye through th' same ten times fold!"
As their King had been speaking, the other Leprechauns had all been cheering their agreement as they ran from all sides to surround Sabrina. They glowered up at her, power and fury that was far beyond their size radiating off of their tiny beings. Sabrina had been unconsciously backing up the entire time until she now found her back pressed against her door and realized she could go no further. Fear blanched her skin and made her tremble. She tried to protest her innocence, but this time it was their ears that were deaf to her cries.
"I'll tell ye where she'll be after tha'!" a female who wore a beautifully sparkling tiara announced. She stood beside her husband, the King, and glowered up at Sabrina with every bit as much hatred and fury as was written on every other face amongst their people. "She'll be naewhere!"
"Aye!" the King agreed. "An' tha's exactly where we'd be wit'out our Salem!"
"Now how 'bout tha' lesson, dearie?"
"AYE!" the Leprechauns roared as one, and then the King began to chant. Sabrina threw up her finger, but already the Leprechauns' magic was beginning to take effect. Her youthful spells clumsily bounced off of the magical beings, and she soon found herself swiftly shrinking. She did not stop until she was even smaller than the tiniest of the beings who flocked around her.
"Now what di ye t'ink o' yeself, lassie?" the King demanded, his small, balled fists perched on his hips. He glared angrily down his pointy nose at her.
Sabrina opened her mouth to tell him off, but the tinny squeak of her voice so surprised her that she abruptly fell silent again.
"Out wit' 'er!"
"Aye! Toss 'er oot so she'll nae bother our Salem again!"
Almost before Sabrina knew what had happened, she found herself shoved out of her bedroom through the crack beneath her door. She tried to crawl back underneath, but something she could not see blocked her way to her own room. She screamed her frustration, but no one answered.
"Now," the King of that particular clan of Leprechauns announced, back inside Sabrina's bedroom, "back tae th' party!" His people whooped and hollered their excitement as they swiftly resumed their previous positions. Salem smiled from one of his perky, pointed, feline ears to his next and began to purr again as green catnip rained down upon him. Let the Witches keep their green beer. He purrferred to live in a world where the people were green and joy, trust, love, and catnip abounded. There was, after all, surely no better friend than an Irishman!
The End