AN: So this started off as a chapter of "Oh No! Vampire Bill!" but then I realized it had more to offer and it became its own MC mini-fic. This is a collaboration between myself and RL!Sister, ZenKat22. We don't have cable so we find that we sometimes watch a lot of "Law and Order".

Bon Temps, Louisiana

Bill Compton had not seen his former girlfriend (and neighbor) Sookie Stackhouse in several days. Although under normal circumstances this would hardly be unusual, it was a stretch to regard any circumstances connected with Bill as "normal." As Bill long had stalked Sookie, his not knowing where she was was driving him crazy.

A phone inquiry to Sookie's former roommate, Amelia, had proved less than illuminating.

"Hey Bill Compton, you still haunting Bon Temps?"

Bill thought he could hear a hint of laughter in Amelia's voice.

"Amelia, Ah know you know Ah'm not a ghost. Ah'm a vampire."

"Yeah, yeah, Bill," Amelia agreed. "I know that!" She chuckled. "Doesn't mean you still don't know how to haunt a girl."

Ah guess she means it's hard for Sookeh to forget about me, and the beautiful love we shared…

Bill chuckled. "Fair enough, Amelia. Ah suppose you're right. Can't be too easy for a girl to forget me."

Amelia snorted in laughter. "Oh, you bet!"

But Amelia insisted she didn't know where Sookie had gone.

"Bill, I moved back to New Orleans months ago! Sookie and I are still friendly but the overwhelmingly obvious need for her to have a witch in the storyline –uh, house—seems to have passed. You comprende?"

"Oh, Ah guess so."

"Anyway, I don't know where she is. I imagine she's off somewhere having hot monkey sex with Eric," Amelia joked.

Bill's white hand went even whiter as his grasp on his cell phone tightened.

"But did you ask Sam Merlotte what he knows? He is Sook's boss. If she went on vacation, he would've had to have approved it."

"Good idea, Amelia. Ah will go see him immediately."

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Bill, agitated, hurriedly parked his prized 1994 Cadillac DeVille in the parking lot of Merlotte's Bar and Grill.

"Hey, you! Knob! You blind? You parked too close to my car!" yelled Tommy Mickens, Sam Merlotte's brother and delivery boy.

"Ah'm sorry, Timmy. Ah'll only be a moment," replied Bill as he waved at Tommy.

"Fine, VampDude," hollered back Tommy. "And it'll only take me a moment to key your car!"

Bill cringed as he watched Tommy place several bags of food destined for delivery on the trunk of the DeVille. Tommy proceeded to pull his keys out from his pocket and scrape the edge of one along the driverside of Bill's car.

Ah know the grease from those disgusting Merlottes fries will take the paint right off my beautiful Cadillac. But Ah have something much more important to tend to.

Without another word, Bill stormed into Merlotte's. Moments later he was inside talking with Sam Merlotte.

"Listen up, Bill. Sookie took off from work. She said a few days but possibly more." Uncomfortable under the gaze of the somber vampire, Sam avoided making eye contact with Bill as he continued to wipe down the bar counter. "I don't question my employees on what they're doing every time they take time off."

"Yes, but this is Sookeh. It's not just any of your employees." Bill's gaze held a half-determined, half-constipated look.

Sam sighed. "Well you got a point there, Vampire Bill." Frustrated over his failed efforts to clean the counter, Sam grabbed a straight edge blade to try to scrape some sticky residue from the gnarled wood. "Maybe I care for Sook more than my other employees but it still doesn't mean I have a copy of her trip itinerary."

"Ah-ha! Trip itinerary! So you do know something!"

"Jesus, Bill! I didn't say that. Chances are she's holed up somewhere with Eric Northman. Why don't you ask him?"

Pained, Bill made his pained face. "Ah had a falling out with Eric. He's not returning mah calls."

"Well, contact Pam then. She's gotta be able to get in touch with Eric. And he'll be able to put you in touch with Sook." Sam said assuredly, with a confident bob of his shaggy mane.

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Impatient, Bill waltzed up to the front door of Fangtasia, the vampire bar owned by Eric Northman and his child and business partner, Pam Ravenscroft. Pam, adorned in a black leather shift dress, stood in the doorway, checking patron IDs.

"Bill Compton," Pam said with a sneer as she languidly took in the former Confederate soldier. "Nice pants," was her final assessment.

His anger piqued that Pam chose this time to discuss such superficial matters, Bill threw daggers with his eyes.

"Thank you, Pam. Ah'll have you know Ah didn't come here seeking your fashion approval!"

"Good thing, too, Jill" said Pam as she continued to gaze at Bill. "Speaking of your pants, are they from Penney's or Goodwill?"

"Ah am not going to answer your questions. Ah am here to see Eric."

Pam silently raised an eyebrow. "Well, Eric's not here at the moment. If you leave your card, I'll be sure to let him know you called."

"Pam, do Ah look like Ah was born yesterday? "

Pam laughed.

"No, Bill. Your unique sense of style no doubt took decades to germinate." Her eyes settled once more on the angst-ridden vampire, Pam knew there was no reasoning with Bill when he was this worked up. Resigning herself, she sighed. "Listen, Bill. Eric went away with Sookie. He didn't tell me where they were going or when they'd be back. Now, if I'm remembering correctly, you're the Area Investigator, aren't you?

"Yes, Ah am."

"So that settles it. Why don't you just investigate?"

"Fine, Ah will."

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Later that night at the Compton House…

"Bill, I'm tired of this! How long are you gonna make me stand here?"

Jessica Hamby, an attractive red haired vampire who appeared to be seventeen, stood impatiently in Bill Compton's dimly lit living room. As Bill's vampire child, Jessica was compelled to do Bill's bidding. Unfortunately for her, Bill often required Jessica to do things she didn't want to do. This evening she was being forced to assist him in his Area Five investigation. As she stood before a whiteboard, she held in her hands several color markers.

"Jessicah, Ah need you to jot down mah ideas so Ah don't lose momentum," replied Bill as he continued to sit, cross-legged, on his maroon red velvet sofa.

"But Bill, I've been standing here for two hours and you haven't had any ideas!"

Bill, looking at Jessica, just shook his head in disappointment.

She does not treat me with the proper authority. Ah am her maker after all. And a very revered subject of the vampire world.

All of a sudden, a cell phone buzzed.

"Ah! That'll be mah great great great grandson." Bill sat up and pulled his phone from his pocket. Flipping it open, he spoke, "Andy, are you almost done with work?"

On the other end of the line, Andy Bellefluer grunted. "No, we had a vamp murder in Shreveport earlier tonight. I'm gonna be busy investigating until dawn."

"Oh, no," Bill replied wistfully.

"What the hell is so damn important anyway, Bill?"

"Ah need help with an Area Five investigation."

Andy snorted. "'Course you do! You being the Area Investigator makes about as much sense as the plots on HBO!"

"What?"

"Never mind."

"Nonetheless, Andy, Ah need your help." Bill paused dramatically before continuing. "Sookeh's missing."

"Sookie? Sookie Stackhouse? All this is about Sookie Stackhouse? You know how many times I've had to search for that girl? Jesus H. Christ! I can't believe you're trying to sucker me into another search for Sookie Stackhouse!"

"But Andy, blood is thicker than water. And we're connected by blood. Twice."

"Don't remind me. "

An uncomfortable silence ensued. Finally Andy broke it.

"All right, all right. Don't get your panties in a bunch. I know I'm gonna regret this, but I'll tell you what," Andy offered, "We just got a couple of new detectives down from New York City. I'll send them out to help you."

"Oh? Are they vampires?"

"Yeah. Odafin Tutuola and John Munch."

"Odafin Tutuola and John Munch?"

"Yeah, Tutuola and Munch."

"Tutuola and Munch," Bill repeated.

"And Bill, watch your mouth."

"What? Why?"

"Fin's black and Munch is a Jew."

"Oh...," said Bill thoughtfully. "Is Odafin Tutuola his self-proclaimed African name to demonstrate his independence from his ancestors' white oppressors?"

Andy sighed. "Bill, I'm warning you: Don't be a jackass."

"Andy, Ah'm a Southern-bred gentleman. Ah know how to be polite and not offend people."

"Yeah, right," replied Andy, clearly not convinced.

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"Why are we here anyway? I thought Bellefleur said this guy was crazy," said Odafin Tutuola to his partner of ten-plus years.

"Yeah, but maybe he meant crazy like a fox." John Munch replied. Already a white, rather pasty-looking Jew who spent little time enjoying sun-filled pursuits, Munch's turning brought few changes to his life.

"You sayin' we should investigate him?"

Munch shrugged. "I'm saying we're new here. Bellefleur said Compton's been here a while. Maybe we can help him and help ourselves as well."

"Fine. But no good can come from this. Place looks like a damn plantation."

"It's an old house in the South," Munch observed, withholding judgment, "It's not big enough to be a plantation. Besides, looks rundown."

Fin's eyes swept darkly over the exterior of the house; unconvinced, "Great. First we get turned in the line of duty, then we get transferred out of New York and transplanted into the middle of the lost set of Deliverance…and now…"

Munch interrupted his partner's familiar rant with his own accustomed thoughtful pontification, "Actually, I was getting more Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil vibes…"

"And now," Detective Tutuola resumed, "We gotta help some poor Crackerpire find his missin' girlfriend."

"Hey, watch your mouth. Southerners are people too, you know. If you prick them, do they not bleed?" Munch chastised, making himself hungry. He shook it off. "And anyway, we're all in it together on this revolving orb we call Earth."

"I can't believe I'm stuck with you for eternity."

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AN: The idea from this came when I heard that Elliot Stabler was joining the cast of "True Blood." The articles I read made such a BFD over it and I was just like, "What? Who cares? I think it would be more interesting if Munch or Ice-T joined "True Blood." And so a fic was born…