How To Defeat Lord Voldemort In 1 Easy Step

The Order of the Phoenix members were sitting round the table in Grimmauld place discussing (erhem arguing) how to defeat Voldemort once and for all. It wasn't going very well.

'And I say we just charge in!'

Sirius growled as he glared at Severus. The Slytherin head of house coolly shook his head.

'And what good would that do? Besides giving me the greatest pleasure of being rid of you'.

The dog animagus snarled and went to leap over the table, getting yanked back by Remus.

'Screw you Snape!'

'I never know you wanted to Black'.

'Now Sirius, Severus, this is not the time to fight. Severus is quite right, we can't just charge blindly in. It would mean suicide for many of us' Professor McGonagall stated with a frown at the childish behaviour.

Grumbling Sirius sat back.

'Honestly boys you're no better than children!' Molly Weasley scolded as the two glared at each other.

'But he started it!' they cried simultaneously, paused, then gave each other the evil eye.

'Did not! You did!'

'Hey I've got an idea' suddenly came a voice that had up until now been silent. The room turned to look at the newest member.

'What might that be Julian?' Remus asked, he had a tiny crush on the cute professor.

The young man in question smiled.

'Well... I believe if I do it right, I can stop all this fighting with one simple statement'.

Mad-eye Moody and Sirius both snorted. They didn't much trust the young professor. Not after finding out he was in Slytherin.

'And what question is that Professor Heartright?' Albus Dumbledore asked. He rather liked the twinkle in the boy's eyes.

'It's better if I don't tell. Severus you mentioned you had a Deatheater meeting this evening right?'

The older man just nodded, curiosity eating him up inside.

'Do you mind if I go with you?' Julian asked.

The room descended into silence. Severus was the first to find his voice.

'Come with me?! You mean walk into a meeting full of Deatheaters, just like that?! And not expect them to tear you apart?! Has someone switched your drink with vodka?!'

Julian rolled his eyes.

'Severus will you just trust me. I need to actually see Tom Riddle in order to talk to him'.

Severus went to protest. He had within a few seconds made up a rant that would outrank all his other rants. There was absolutely no way in hell he would let Julian just walk up to Voldemort. No way, uh uh, not a hope. He looked up with his best I-am-going-to-rant-your-socks-off glare...and found the watery puppy-dog eyes of despair looking back at him.

Oh bugger.

'Pleeeaaassseee Severusss...!'

Oh double bugger!

And then came the whimpering. Oh how he couldn't resist the whimpering. Dammit that boy was good.

'Very wel...'

'Yay!' He found himself with a lap full of 25 year old Julian Heartright cuteness.

'Thank you Severus you won't regret it!'

Remus' inner wolf growled in jealousy.

********************Page Break********************

Severus and Julian appeared inside Voldemort's hideout, right in the middle of the circle of Deatheaters.

'No turning back now' Severus whispered and made his way to Voldemort's right hand side. The group stared at the young boy. Voldemort took a moment to speak, not entirely sure what to do. What in the world is a known phoenix member doing in the middle of his group with a smile as bold as brass? Severus nudged him slightly and shook him out of his stupor.

'MUWHAHAHA! Well now what do we have here? A lovely young order member for us to torture. Oh how I'll love to hear you scream my young friend. I bet you'll beg within the first few minutes. Pleading for your mummy just like a baby!'

He was rather proud of that thought-up-in-a-moment speech. Usually he had to think for hours to get a good scary speech ready. He turned to Severus with a creepy (he hoped) grin on his no-nose face.

'Well done Severus for bringing this fresh meat to my hideout of horrors'.

He turned back ready to scare the crap out of his prisoner with a few scary cackles and flashes of magic.

Julian looked thoughtfully at the sort of man in front of him. He crossed his arms behind his back and tilted his head in concentration. Many Deatheaters suddenly had nosebleeds behind their masks.

Then the young man smiled and held up a finger (no not his middle finger you dunderheads! His index)

'I've got it!'

'And what have you got, little one?' Voldemort sneered, put off his scary speech didn't have any effect.

'You're a sub' came the reply.

The room if possible became more silent.

'I...! You...! He...! WHAT...?!' Voldemort spluttered.

Julian closed his eyes with a smile.

'You are a sub'.

He must be hearing things. Voldemort stuck a finger in his ear and twiddled it about.

'I'm sorry (gasp he actually apologised!) I must have miss-heard you. Surely you didn't just call the most powerful evil Wizard in the world a...sub?'

'Oh yes I did. I could hear it in your speech, the way you act and the way you say things. You're definitely a sub' Julian replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

The silence drew out for a few minutes.

'I am not a sub! I am a dom. I have loyal followers ready to do whatever I command. I strike fear into the hearts of all who know me. I AM LORD VOLDEMORT MOST EVIL WIZARD IN THE WORLD!' Voldemort boomed in anger, his voice and magic shaking the room and terrifying his Deatheaters. A few wished they'd brought a change of underwear.

Julian just sighed.

'No. You are a sub. Trust me I know'.

'I AM NOT A SUB!'

'Yes you are'.

'AM NOT!'

'You are a sub'.

'I AM A DOM!'

'Sub'.

'DOM!'

'Sub'.

'DOM!'

'Sub'.

'DOM! I AM A DOM! I WILL RULE THE WORLD! I WILL BE IN COMPLETE CONTROL! I AM A DOM!'

'Yes but that's outside the bedroom. Inside, you are a sub'.

'I AM NOT A SUB!' Voldemort squealed, in a very manly evil wizard way, and stomped his foot.

'Oh come on Mr Riddle (he he, Mr Riddle) just say it. It will make you feel so much better. Come on now it's not hard. Just admit it'. Julian patiently said.

Voldemort huffed and crossed his arms.

'Come on. Just repeat after me. I am a sub'.

'HA, YOU'RE A SUB!'

'Oh I am a sub'.

'MUWHAHAHAHA… Wait what!'

'I am a sub. I prefer to let others take control. Besides, it's much more pleasurable that way' Julian said with a smile. He then turned serious again.

'Now how easy is that? You can do it, it will take a load off your shoulders. Come on'.

'…'

'You can do it'.

'…'

'I believe in you'.

'OK I'M A SUB! I LIKE TO BOTTOM! I LOVE BEING TIED UP AND SPANKED FOR BEING A NAUGHTY BOY AND DRESSED IN A SEXY MAID COSTUME WITH CAT EARS AND FEEL MEAT UP MY ARSE! THERE I SAID IT!' Voldemort ended his outcry gasping for air.

'There now don't you feel better? Good for you, well done I'm very proud of your bravery. Well it's time I left now, my work here is done and I need to report back to headquarters. I'll see you around' Julian praised and turned to head for the door.

Lord Voldemort beamed and scanned the room full of Deatheaters proudly, feeling so much better. His Deatheaters stared back. Mouths twitched. As Julian went down the hall, making note of the hideout's location on a helpful nearby map, a resounding silence was left.

And then…

'OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?'

Julian smiled and closed the door on the echoing laughter of Lord Voldemort's loyal Deatheaters.

The next day the Order of the Phoenix barged into the mansion to find all but 2 Deatheaters blasted to pieces and Lord Voldemort lying dead on his frilly pink bed with all his cuddly toys surrounding him and tear tracks staining his cheeks. A note beside him read:

"Dear Deatheaters. You're all meanie poopy heads. Laughing at someone for 5 HOURS STRAIGHT is NOT funny. Goodbye for ever.

P.S. I'm telling my mommy on all of you so there.

Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy were admitted to St Mungo's for 3 weeks until they could stop laughing.

********************Page Break********************

The Order of the Phoenix members (minus Severus) were sitting round the table in Grimmauld place discussing (erhem sitting in stunned silence) how Voldemort was defeated once and for all.

'How…! What…! How did you do it Julian?' Sirius cried, regretting ever hating the younger man.

Julian smiled, tilting his head and closing his eyes with a small giggle. Many order members suddenly had nosebleeds.

'It wasn't hard. I just told him the truth'.

'Yeah, like the truth made him go nuts like that. What you do kid? Poison his drink. Use your weird ability on him. Set your fox form on him! It's ridiculous! How in Merlin's hairy balls did a scrawny brat like you do it?' Mad-eye Moody demanded.

Julian looked thoughtfully at the crazy man in front of him. He clasped his hands together on the table and tilted his head in concentration.

Remus rushed to get more tissues after just stopping the last nosebleed.

Then the young man smiled and held up a finger.

'I've got it!'

Moody just grumbled.

'You're a sub' Julian said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.