28
CHAPTER - 2
Dr. Flynn didn't receive the email until nearly nine on Sunday morning. He went to his wife and said, "Christian is in a bad way, and I need to find him. I'm sorry about our day."
His wife Rhian said, "I know patients need you at different times, but you and Christian are different. He's a friend and, with that knowledge, he could hurt you. Please be careful because he doesn't always respect your boundaries or your help. You know I love you because of your capacity to help people. Go! The boys and I'll be fine."
He gave her a kiss and was out the door before she could even say good-bye. He went to Christian's. He rang the apartment from the lobby, and Taylor answered.
"Hi, Taylor, is Christian in?"
"Come on up; I need to talk with you before you talk with Mr. Grey." Taylor gave Flynn the elevator code, and he went up to find Taylor waiting in the foyer. "He's in bad shape. How did you know?
"He sent me a very cryptic email. Did Anastasia really leave him?"
"Yes, they're both broken. I drove Anastasia back to her apartment yesterday morning and she was completely devastated. Mr. Grey went out to a gala last night without her and came home drunk and started to beat himself, I guess with the same belt he used on her. I'm glad that you're here."
"Let's go somewhere and talk; will he be okay by himself for awhile?" Taylor nodded.
Taylor showed Dr. Flynn into his office, fully equipped with every high-tech gadget known to man. "Last night, I was asleep with Gail, you know, Mrs. Jones the housekeeper. I told Christian about our blossoming affair last night whether he comprehended that we're sleeping together or not, is beyond me. I was in my room sleeping with Gail when the phone rang. I'm not sure if you're aware, but we've added extra security because of the Leila situation. The guard on duty in here reported that he had seen Mr. Grey almost fall down in the foyer, breaking a bottle of booze, and asked what he should do. I told him that I would check on Mr. Grey and make sure he was alright. Gail asked if there was going to be trouble, for she knew Anastasia had left."
He continued after a thinking pause, "I knew this was going to happen when Miss Steel came into his life. Mr. Grey is not equipped to handle the emotions of love. He must have hurt her in some way and now can't deal with it. I went to find him and make sure he did no harm. I told Gail to please stay in my bed and I would be back sooner or later and if it was later, it would give me great comfort to know she's safe and warm. She told me she would stay and being with me had been a highlight of living here. She asked for a kiss, which I gave to her. I don't know why I just told you that. I don't normally tell anyone about my private life, but the man in there is broken, and I don't want to end up like that."
John said, "You see, Taylor is that your first name?"
"No, it's Jason."
"Thank you, Jason; you could never end up where Christian is because you're willing to love. Poor Christian has no skills to deal with love. I better to go to him. If I need to ask you more questions later, that's alright with you?"
Jason nodded his head.
Christian was sitting on the U-shape couch deep in thought when Dr. Flynn entered, not wanting to disturb him. Christian was thinking why did Anastasia leave me? Why did I beat her with a belt of all things? I could have used a cane. Her flesh would have stung more, but a heavy belt, with all of the pressure, left a more lasting impression. Could I have eased her into the lifestyle with just a little more thought instead of being so fucking physical? Why was she so willing to do this with me when she was so young and sexually inexperienced?
"Christian," Flynn called softly and when he looked up, John could see his tear-stained face.
"What are you doing here?"
"What did you expect me to do when you send me a cryptic message like, "I fucked her, beat her, and she left me."
"Did I do that?" His eyes blinked at him.
"Christian, please tell me what has happened. You need to get it out."
"Anastasia walked out on me yesterday, almost 24 hours ago." He looked at his watch in bewilderment. "Then I reverted back to old habits that I thought I had conquered years ago. Who was this woman, this very young woman whom I had deflowered a short time ago? I've had women before, but she was different. She took a piece of this soul when she went out to the elevator in the foyer. I know that I have wounded Anastasia more than physically. There were no broken bones or even broken flesh for anyone to see, but I knew the hot pain on her ass would not go away for days." He paused thinking staring off into space then he returned to earth.
"I guess I should tell you that last night I went to the gala for the Chamber of Commerce Gala. Anastasia was supposed to accompany me, so all night there was an empty chair next to me. I thought that this would be our first public outing. The more I sat alone, which was no surprise to anyone because I always attend these functions alone, it became unbearable. I started drinking gin and tonic and continued my drinking once I got home. I sipped on gin, leaving out the tonic. I continued my drinking from the bottle, dropping it along the way as I climbed the stairs to the Red Room of Pain. That is what she called the playroom. I was beyond drunk."
Just then, Mrs. Jones brought in coffee and fresh blueberry muffins. John nodded for her to come in.
Christian smiled and thanked her. I'm sure Mrs. Jones had never seen him in such a condition. Christian's manners kicked in pouring John a cup of coffee. Then he started talking again after a long slow sip of coffee.
His voice was expressionless. "I'm sure you want me to go on and I guess you're right; I need to talk this out. I went up to the playroom and started to flog myself. If I gave her six lashes of the belt, then certainly I could take eighteen or twenty-four. I whipped myself, and I must admit it hurt like hell, even in my drunken state. Poor Ana, what the fuck did I do to her? How could I drive her away?"
He started to cry; John went and found some tissues. He had never seen Christian cry. With the high glass walls and the sun streaming in, it was rather surreal with Christian's tears; it appeared to be raining indoors.
"I didn't hear when Taylor entered. He knew he could be fired for invading my privacy; but, in spite of that, he entered my own private hell-hole. I guess he saw me flogging myself with the belt - the very same belt - I used on my beloved Ana. My back, I assume, was red with belt marks from the heavy piece of leather. I screamed everytime the belt hit my skin. I vaguely remember screaming something like, 'How could she have endured so much pain without saying a word?'"
"Taylor called out, "Mr. Grey." I did not stop, for there was another crashing blow to the back. I was drunk. Taylor grabbed the belt before I could make contact with my skin again. I think I fell to the floor. The belt buckle wrapped around Taylor's knuckles, breaking his skin. He grabbed me in one motion pulled me to my feet, and walked me out of the Red Room of Pain to the staircase, and then he locked the door, I think. He got me down to my bedroom, leaving blood droplets as a trail that I found this morning. All I could do was stare at the blood. Taylor got me into bed, and then went for an ice pack for my back to take down the swelling. When he placed the ice pack in a towel on my back, I guess I relaxed. I think he stayed with me."
John ate a muffin and then encouraged Christian to continue after several minutes of silence.
"Around five, I woke up in terrible pain – more from the hangover than the throbbing pain in my back. The swelling had gone down. Taylor got another ice pack and some Advil to cut the pain. I asked him what he was doing in my bedroom. I asked if we had been in a fight, for that seemed the logical explanation.
"Taylor told me that he found me upstairs flogging myself with a belt, and he took it from me before I could do anymore damage. The belt buckle had cut his knuckles, and that's why they were all taped up. He thought that I should be in bed so I wouldn't do any more harm to myself. He asked if I was sorry that Miss Steele left me, and then he said, "Who could blame her under the circumstances?" He told me that in the past he never wanted to know what went on in the room upstairs because it was my private business. I hired him to protect me, but he never dreamed he would be protecting me from myself."
Christian looked at John blankly, "What has that woman done to me?"
Dr. Flynn said quietly, "I think the question should be, what have you done to her? Do you want her back, or do you want someone else to punish?"
"I think Taylor asked me the same question, and I told him; Yes, I want her back, but how would she come back after what I had done to her. I told Taylor that I knew what I'd done had changed our relationship of employee/employer into something different. It would never be the same. I think he has lost all respect for me."
"John, Taylor told me the same thing you told me, he had seen her with me over the past two weeks and that she was in love with me. He thinks she will come back if I promise never to beat her again. I think Taylor must have been channeling you. Kinky sex was one thing, but to physically abuse a woman was another. The most astounding thing he said was that I was a better man than that. We agreed to call each other by our first names in private. I have to be thankful he was here last night, or I might be having this conversation from a hospital bed."
"Next, I asked for his opinion about what to do with Anastasia…Taylor made a confession - he was sleeping with my housekeeper. Why the fuck would I care who he was sleeping with? But thinking about it, it's probably natural - they spend so much time together. At this moment, I'm actually happy for them...they deserve to be happy. Why can't I find happiness?" As a tear ran down his face as he looked at John.
"Taylor told me to do nothing, just give her time to gain some composure. He reminded me that I'm scheduled to take her to Portland next week for the opening of José's photography show and to call her the night before to make arrangements. Don't beg; just ask if she is still willing to go. He felt that it was most important to keep myself busy, and get some rest. Don't become a stalker; give her time and respect. Then he said another remarkable thing, she would be in my bed before long. That was the end of his advice. Before he left, he did say he never wanted to witness my self-flagellation again. What do you think, dear Dr. Flynn, am I so fucked-up that I'm irredeemable?"
"I'm surprised that, in your drunken stupor, you could remember so much detail, but your mind is like that. Taylor's a good man who gave you good advice, but we need to talk. I'll ask questions, and you give me your best answers with no bullshit or flights of fancy."
Christian got his shit together, blew his nose and poured both us another cup of coffee, even took a bite of Mrs. Jones' excellent muffin.
Christian turned his square jaw and squared his shoulders, looking deeply with his gray eyes at Dr. Flynn and asked, "What do you want to know?"
Flynn knew this Christian Grey with his determination of a prize fighter and yet a willingness to explore the damage done to his psyche.
"Would you start by telling me what happened the day before yesterday? You were so happy that she was coming back home."
Christian took another sip of coffee and another bite leaning back into the white leather U-shape couch. "I was so happy that she was going to be here, and I really did forget about the "damn contract" as you call it. But as the day wore on with no news about Leila, I became more frightened. It was a fear I'd not known before. Then Anastasia was here in my arms, in the shower, and the penthouse felt like home again. She was mine once again. We went to the Red Room of Pain after dinner and had mind-blowing sex. She went to sleep in my bed, and, around five, she woke to find me at the piano in a melancholy mood. I've tried to keep her away from my dark side, but yesterday morning it came out on her body."
Christian stopped talking, and then looked in John's eyes with bewilderment. John let him be alone with his thoughts for a moment. He could feel Christian's growing agony as all the pain almost contorted his body.
"We talked about punishment, and she played this game with me that, if I could catch her rolling her eyes at me or biting her lower lip, then I could punish her. Both of those actions drive me crazy. Then, out of the blue, she consented to me punishing her. I was so excited my hard-on was pushing against my pants. I took her gleefully, with her permission, to the playroom. Why did I use a belt? A cane would have hurt more, but the belt seemed the right choice for introducing her to punishment. It would be heavy enough to feel the pain without leaving marks. There were six lashes, and I made her count. How I came up with that number I'll never know. I didn't know she was crying until the last lash hit her. Then she wouldn't let me touch her and called me a fucked-up son-of-a-bitch. I knew I had lost her in that moment."
Christian started to cry again. His chest was heaving under the weight of what he had done to Anastasia. It was the only time Flynn had touched Christian Grey other than handshakes. He looked up and was deeply lost.
"I found her awhile later after looking all over the house, crying her heart out, and then she said something that blew me away. She told me she had fallen in love with me. I recoiled from her because I'm not worthy of her love. I let her walk away. How could I let her walk out the door? She gave back everything that I had given her. I've no way to communicate with her. Please, how do I make this pain go away? I've never experienced that kind of anguish before." He rubbed his face and knew of nothing else to say.
"You need to see me every day until your anguish goes away or she comes back. Christian, would you beat her again, and why do you think she allowed such a savage beating?"
He took his time answering while he stared into his hands. "John, of course, I would never touch her body again except to worship and adore her. We both know why she allowed it, because she loves me and I told her over and over again that's what I needed to be satisfied."
John couldn't be angry at him since he was in so much pain. "Are you satisfied now, Christian?"
"Yeah, look at the great Christian Grey who has turned into a sniffling toad. The only way I'll ever be satisfied again is if she wants me and comes back. I tried to give myself to her while I was carrying on about all the sub/dom shit. I never thought it was possible to think or feel without it. Yet, I'm feeling right now. Was everything I did just behavior I learned, or am I really that fucked-up? I'm surprised that I'm even discussing this with you. I think, for the first time in my life, I want her more than I want the lifestyle, but how could I have change so fast?"
"Christian, I've been telling you for the last two years that the submissive/dominant relationship was a learned behavior. If you learn it then, you can unlearn it and develop new ways to behave. You have that kind of power. If there were a major problem at Grey Enterprise, you would rise to the occasion and overcome your frightening fears at the moment. You know how to conquer fear for you've done it all your life."
"Will she come back to me?"
"If you give her space and don't go all stalker James Bondage on her."
"My, you use such colorful language, Dr. Flynn," Christian smirked at him.
Flynn could see that Christian had returned from the depths of hell. "We have made progress here, but we need to do more work before you see her again, or you will just implode at the sight of her. Tomorrow we are going to talk about your submissives. This is a critical step in your journey. You have had a major breakthrough. It was a hell of a way to get here, but I assure you, Christian, you have made real progress. Everytime you think of your pain, just concentrate on her pain. You have me; who does she talk to? But she signed a NDA and can't talk to anyone. I'll have Addie call you in the morning with a time I can fit you in. Please come to the appointment, so we can start working for real change."
Christian stood up and stretched, then shook his head like he was shaking off cobwebs. "Thanks, John, I feel lost, but, as you would say, at least, I'm feeling."
They shook hands, and Christian went into the study. Taylor accompanied Flynn down in the elevator, "Should I be worried, Dr. Flynn?" Taylor said.
"Yes, I'm worried about Christian. After speaking with him, I know he'll be okay. I know he is not inclined to suicide. He's very depressed and not accustomed to feelings like he is having now. Does he have the need to leave the house today? Could you get him out of this fortress into some sunshine and fresh air?"
"I'll try. What about poor Anastasia? Should I check up on her?"
"No, I believe she is strong and will find her equilibrium soon. And if you went to check on her, she would think Christian sent you. We have to have faith that they'll find their way back to each other."
Monday, June 4, at 4:30 pm Christian made his way to Dr. Flynn's office. It's a ritual he had done many times, but this time instead of feeling like an errant boy he, felt like a man in desperate need of help. Flynn's office had calming pale green walls that Christian always liked. The furniture was like a men's club - formal and stuffy - with two leather wingback chairs and two formal green couches. The finishing touches to the office were a beautiful Persian style rug over the carpet and throw pillows on the couches to add just a hint of color. The room was large and, at other end, was his desk turned so he could see out of the windows.
Christian sat across from Flynn in one of the wingback chairs. John was well groomed; with his straight nose he looked rather aristocratic. He gave off the air of a gentleman, but with his handsome face and smile, he was very down to earth. Then you add in his shoulder length black hair and dark blue eyes, and you knew he could be a bit of a rogue.
"I sent Anastasia flowers on her first day at her new job."
"What did the card say?"
"Oh, Anastasia, I love you and will take you any way I can get you"
Flynn's mouth literally dropped open. Christian gave him a wicked smile. "No, I congratulated her on first day of work, hoped everything went well. Then I thanked her for the glider and told her it had a place of honor on my desk. No pushy crap. Did I tell you she bought me a model of the glider we flew in Savannah? It was a mother to put together, but I loved the challenge, and it kept me focused on the task at hand; and, if she returns, then I'll be proud to show her. I know this is not what you want to talk about. Fire away."
"I'm glad you're calmer than yesterday - and what a thoughtful thing to do…to send Anastasia flowers. What kind of flowers?"
"White roses for her purity I guess. She…Um"
"Christian, the more you figure out who you are, the easier it will be for you to answer her questions when she returns. So please tell me why you and Elena broke it off. I know this is a hard first question, but it'll help us figure out all the rest."
"You don't fuck around, do you, John?" Christian flashed his anger. "You know that relationship went on for over six years. Sometimes I was with her weekly and sometimes monthly. When I went to college, the time and miles kept us apart mostly for months. After dropping out of Harvard, I thought we would keep up the same sub/dom relationship. I'll never tell Ana this, only you. I just told her Elena's husband found out and that's what broke off the relationship. The truth be told, I'm the one who ended that sick tryst. Elena had used a whip on me over the years. It was my least favorite form of torture. When I walked into her room that day she was whipping it around the room and then made it crack on the floor, just like she had done on my skin dozens of times. I need some water."
John came back with a bottle of water he knew this was going to be difficult for both Christian and himself. Christian gulped down half the bottle.
"Something in me snapped; I wasn't going to be whipped by her or anyone else. I took the whip out of her hand, and then I placed the whip around her hands behind her back. She looked at me in horror. I've never known the kind of rage I felt for her that day. I stripped off her pants and underwear as she became excited. I went to her tool chest and took a ball gag out and forced it into her mouth, none too gently. I shoved her onto the floor with my foot. I commanded her to spread her legs wide apart, like she had told me to do so many times. I don't know if I can tell you what I did next."
John just looked at him with compassion as he drank his water. It took a few minutes for Christian to speak because he was struggling internally.
"I went again to her tool chest, this time grabbing a condom. I took off my clothes and played with myself in front of her until I was hard. She even crawled over to me, rubbing her face on my leg. I watched her eyes light up as I rolled on the condom. I shouted for her to assume the position and she did, like a good submissive. I bit her ass hard on one side and then the other, leaving teeth marks on her behind. Then I did something I have never done since. I fucked her in the ass with no lubrication other than what was on the condom. I could hear her muffled screams as I brutalized her. I…didn't…give…a…shit. It was over very quickly. It was too painful for me as well as her. I pulled out of her, but the condom was still stuck inside. I used my little finger to fish it out, with all the blood that followed. I stood up, shoved her to the floor, not looking at her tear-stained face. I took a shower, got dressed, untied her hands, grabbed her hair and said, "Don't call me, you fucking bitch." I watched her head hit the floor. I took the whip off her wrists and walked out the door. That was the last time I had sex with her. Oh, I forgot to tell you I said if she ever touched me again I would kill her. If you think I was fucked-up before, you know I'm fucked-up now."
He stopped taking.
John leaned closer to him and said, "Christian, I think that's the most courageous defilement I've ever heard. What you did to her is what she did to you at fifteen, only hers was rape. No wonder it was hard for you to reconcile the abuse you took as a teenager with the abuse you gave her. Christian, I certainly don't condone violence in any way, shape, or form, but your courage to do that to your abuser was admirable."
"Fuck you, Flynn, making that day out to be heroic. I couldn't take another day of the whip. Oh fuck! That's just how Anastasia felt when she walked out the door. Good for her. She has more guts than I ever did. Wow, I didn't expect that kind of light bulb moment, as Oprah would say. Maybe she'll come back if I promise not to hit her, but she likes to get spanked. Is that off limits too?"
"I think you need to ask her. Are you becoming clear on what kind of relationship you want with her?"
"I'd say any relationship she wants, but that is not what you're asking. I want her to love me and, hopefully, I'll be able to tell her those words soon. I want to build a family with her when we're ready. I still want kinky fuckery when she wants it. Why do you think I had all those submissives, just to prove to myself that I could fuck them without hurting them like I had hurt Elena?"
"I think you've answered your own question. You're bright. What happened with your last two subs?"
"After Leila, something ended in me. Not that I wanted a relationship with her, but she easily found someone to replace me, who didn't put demands on her like I did. The next woman who came along barely lasted the three months. She was a school teacher who needed to be spanked. She cared more about the beatings than the sex. One night I couldn't hit her enough, and she left the next day. The last one, Susannah, only lasted a month. I masturbated a lot after she left, and that was two months before Ana. I guess I just couldn't use someone like that again. When Anastasia stumbled into my life, I wanted her in the worst way from the moment I saw her. She was clumsy, awkward, and could look right through me. I pushed her into the whole sub/dom thing because I knew no other way. Now I see that, by having her in the Red Room of Pain, I wasn't giving her a chance to mature. I saw her as willing but, if I kept her for months, dominating my will over her, she wouldn't have the ability to grow and give me pleasure. I want her to touch me, but I'm so petrified. Will she be able to touch me ever?"
"Look what a break through you've had this afternoon. I believe if you want her to touch you, then it will happen. I know you're growing by leaps and bounds, but relax, Christian, and don't push; that is my job."
"I know, John, but this crushing need inside me wants to rush to break down her door, sweep her up into my arms, and then drag her by the hair back to my cave. What is this need inside me?"
"You know what the need, want, yearning is all about. You just don't want to admit to yourself you're in love with her. You should have been in love at fifteen or sixteen, but Elena took it from you. Even Anastasia is bright enough to know that, when you're in love, your emotions take over, and most of your decisions aren't logical. I'll see you at the same time tomorrow. Are you going to rush over and break down her door?"
Christian was grinning with his bad boy look from ear to ear, "I would like to, but that would be for my needs, not hers."
"Good, I'll see you tomorrow at 4:30 and be ready to talk about your subs." John gave Christian a wink.
Christian stood up - stretching his 6'1" frame, then licked his lips, and was out the door. He felt better, but missed Anastasia like crazy.
Mrs. Jones had made him a nice grilled salmon steak for dinner; and he thought how much Ana would have loved it. This made him wonder if she was eating. Everywhere he turned the rest of night was someplace she had been. As he worked he listened to the radio when a song by Chris Isaak called, The New Girl from San Francisco Days San Francisco Nights came on. It reminded him of his lost Anastasia. The music was different from his usual type, but he had no usual type. It was homey, hearty, and soul stirring. He downloaded it to his iPod. Each song took him deeper in to his melancholy and, before he went to sleep, he wept for his love. Would she come back to him? He could function in the work world but, in his past, he created his own private world; a world that no one invaded. Now all he wanted was an invasion from Anastasia.
For his morning workout, he kick boxed with Claude, his personnel trainer, working at a fast pace just to keep his thoughts away from his chestnut-haired beauty. It was heartbreaking for him to be sitting at the breakfast bar without her. He put on a Navy blue suit and went to work. He wanted so badly to stay home, but somehow, without her, it wouldn't be the same. It would be too lonely. How could this all-consuming need for another human being take over his life?
When he entered Flynn's office, he was nervous, rattled, and anxious. His gray eyes were pleading. John looked at him in bewilderment.
"What has changed, Christian?" Flynn pointed for him to take a seat. Christian sat looking at him with hollow eyes.
"I haven't heard from her at all. She didn't thank me for the flowers. I just don't know what to do."
"Christian, you're working yourself up for nothing. If you rush her, it may take longer to be with you. You have been good about giving her space. Don't do anything foolish! What happened last night, when you left here? You were feeling better about yourself."
"Last night, everywhere I looked she had been in the apartment, on the breakfast bar stool, sitting next to me on the piano bench, and mostly in my bed. I could have sworn I smelled her scent, but Mrs. Jones had washed the sheets."
"Christian, I told you today we're going to talk about your subs. Did any of them ever eat at your breakfast bar or sit at your piano or sleep in your bed?"
Christian looked up and was on the verge of tears, "Yes, yes and no. Not one ever slept in my bed. I would never sleep with them in their bed which most found very dissatisfying. My subs it sounds like, was a bad club for wayward women. They ranged in age from twenty-five to thirty-eight. I started out with older women because I'd been comfortable with Elena. The first three were really my education on how to treat a submissive. The first one Marge, was a beautiful woman who stayed with me almost a year. She was lean, supple, and could endure more pain than any of my other submissives. She could come on command and only needed my touch to fulfill her. My wealth was growing; but she would never accept a gift of any kind. She was a lawyer in one of the prominent Seattle firms. Come to think of it, I did pay her for legal services once. Anastasia wrote that she felt like a whore when I gave her gifts. I was rude to her and told her to get used to it. Why do all roads lead back to Anastasia?"
John crossed his legs, after having them stretched out for a long time. "Christian, what was the point of having subs?"
"The point was to be able to sex with them, I guess!"
"Was that really the point or is that what you think I want to hear?"
"We both know what the point was so let's not play games. I wanted control over them so they would do as I say. I commanded them not to touch me and so they didn't. I could have them satisfy me at will."
"Did they give you fulfillment?"
"Why are you asking all these stupid questions? They're in my past." He said with increasing agitation.
"You know Anastasia is going to require you to answer these questions one day."
"Why…why would she want to know about all this?"
"Christian, sometimes you're so brilliant and yet, sometimes very dense. She loves you and wants to know the good, the bad and, most of all the ugly. She wants to flood the dark places with light. She wants to understand your need to control her and comprehend why you debase yourself. I didn't have you come in to explain your subs. I frankly know that women are your forte. You can play women like producing beautiful music. My question - is Anastasia's instrument enough for you to make beautiful music on for the rest of your life? Will she be enough?"
"I have done things with her that I have never done with another woman. I love to watch her body work with little beads of sweat appearing before her orgasms. I love to watch as she shatters, her analogy, is Icarus flying too close to the sun? I love to watch her unravel. With other women I would take my need, and they would have to wait to be satisfied. Just thinking about her makes me feels like going to her."
"Were you a virgin when Elena took you?"
Christian's anger rose from some place deep within him. "Where the fuck did that come from, John?"
"You told me about the end of your relationship; now I want to go to the beginning. Were you a virgin," he said slowly, calmly, and enunciating.
Christian stood up, went to the little fridge and got a bottle of water. John thought it was more of a stalling ploy than needing water but he waited patiently for him to start talking.
"I'd been fighting with other boys for months and had been kicked out of two schools when in the summer of my fifteenth birthday, Elena came into my view. I hadn't had sex, other than playing with myself, so yes, I was a virgin. At first, I thought I was in love with her, being my first time but the more she got into discipline the less it was about sex and the more it was about control. I mean, in the end, she would always fuck me but she always told me it was about discipline and self-control."
Christian started to cry. "I did the same thing to Anastasia." He wiped his eyes. "I think I'm one fucked-up son-of-a-bitch. I took the most precious gift from her and called it a situation. Oh…am I no better than Elena?"
"Christian, we do what we know. You'd never been confronted with a sexually inexperienced woman before. She had enough lust and want in her to give up her virginity freely. I don't think you did at fifteen. You were happy to be fucking, boys think with their penises, but young women think with their hearts. That is why you dispensed with her virginity without a second thought, you were thinking with your penis instead of your heart. Do you have a little inkling of what she gave to you and what Elena took from you? Do you possibly understand that, when Anastasia left, she felt like such a failure, for she could not give you what you needed? And do you now understand that, the last time you were with Elena, your humiliation and shame were gone and you left triumphantly? It was not rape, Christian. It was certainly not love, but it was victory over evil."
"We have never talked about Elena being evil, why now?"
"Because for the first time, you understand or are starting to understand, that what Elena did to you was wrong. Her twisted and controlling ways led you down a dark path. You controlled others as you were controlled. Now there is this lovely young woman who wants you for who you are and can see through all of your bullshit. Anastasia wants what is good in you, and Elena only wanted to drag you down into her evil underworld. Elena may have possibly fallen in love with you when you took controlled over her. Soon you're going to have to make a choice between the two women."
Christian looked enraged. "I have already made that choice. Elena is no longer in my life."
"That is not true, Christian; you only had dinner with her less than a week ago and you're still business partners with her. How are you going to feel when Anastasia wants you to sever all ties with Elena?"
"Why would she ask me to do that?" He looked confused.
"Because she believes Elena is a pedophile who still exerts control over you."
"How could she think that? I don't have a sexual relationship with her anymore, we're just friends."
"Christian, you're still thinking with your penis instead of your brain. Elena is evil incarnate to Anastasia. The way she probably sees it, you wouldn't be this screwed up if Elena hadn't gotten her claws into you when you were a young boy."
Christian was pulling on his copper hair trying to defend the indefensible. "I don't know what to say. I still can't wrap my head around what Elena did to me and what I did to Anastasia."
"One last question and I'll let you go back to your wallowing. Did you have feelings of lust for Anastasia when you dispensed of her virginity?"
Christian leaned into the couch thinking. "If wanting her is an emotion, then I had very strong feelings for her. I was in Clayton's Hardware Store where she worked and I could barely keep my hands or lips off of her. Lust is a new word. Fucking and sex are both words I understand, but lust must go along with the longing that I have for her now. If beating her and making her leave have gotten me to the point to understand that I'm a contradiction of emotions, then I have to say it is worth it. I want her on her terms. I want her if it means I'll never have kinky fuckery again. Now you tell me how fucked-up that is."
"I don't think it's fucked-up at all. The last two days you have grown. You seem to understand that mistakes happen, and you can go forward. Anastasia is, and will continue to be, your salvation. Just don't push her; if you need me, I'm free the same time tomorrow, I'm going home and have a good stiff drink for, as usual, you have worn me out. Good night, Christian."
Christian gave him the same bewildered look he had walked in with but he at least felt that calm was replacing the turmoil inside.
Christian went back to his fortress in the sky, only to find no emails from Ana. He found no comfort or joy from Mrs. Jones' cooking; it was not even satisfying to him. By ten he was sitting on the bed in deep thought. It was the very bed where he had stolen Anastasia's virginity. He told her that he was going to rectify the situation. She never thought of her virginity as a situation. Had she? That night, their first night together, he told her to forget about the rules and then he begged her stay. Christian was out of his head crazy in love with her. Why in God's sake did he push that damn contract?
It was only ten o'clock; Christian's day never ended this early. Christian wanted to lie where she had been and he wanted to feel her there. He was not a monster and he didn't force her. She really did want him. He started to cry, turned off the light, pulled up the covers, and cried himself to sleep. Before dawn he woke screaming from a full-blown nightmare. He was a lost little boy and no one came for him. He was paralyzed in his bed. He longed for his life back with Ana. How could he have gone from a tormented child to a tormented teenager to a tormentor as an adult? He managed to fall back to sleep until eight, which was later than he wanted. Today was the day he was going to connect with Ana and hoped it wouldn't be met with overwhelming rejection. Could he take any more pain since he was already unraveling at the seams of his well-constructed life? How and where did Ana fit in?
June 8th at four-thirty Christian marched into Dr. Flynn's office. Christian had pulled himself together back to being his old self, but that was not quite right; for in that moment, he realized that he had changed forever.
"How are you doing Christian? You look different. Do you want to tell me why?"
"People think I'm such a beautiful man and that I could charm my way into the boardroom with such ease that no one suspected the dark torment that has ruled my life. I've controlled my image and have refined it as a formidable business man so well that no one (except Anastasia) has a hint of how well I could control my life, especially my sex life. I learned from Elena to be a submissive, to control my emotions - then I graduated to become dominant to control my sexual urges. Even though I would never consider using a prostitute, I did pay subs in the beginning; I have prostituted my submissives each time I used them. You know John, how carefully I have protected myself legally and physically so that there were never any surprises to contend with. I'd crafted my life and image into an impenetrable armor until a young woman wearing Walmart clothes stumbled into my office. From that moment, my life has changed."
There were no tears in his eyes as he looked at John. "What happened last night?"
"I cried myself to sleep that has never happened. Why can't I turn off the water works?"
"These tears are from the years you should have cried as a child and teenager. You bottled them up and forced yourself to keep them. Well, the dam has broken. You cry for Ana and for all of your pain from past years. Do you feel better?"
"Yes and no. I feel weak and vulnerable and confused. How can I put together multi-million dollar deals and be so frightened to send an email to this young woman? I was so afraid of her rejection. So when I did email her, I kept it short and professional. She will allow me to take her to her friend's gallery opening – this is the guy who got her drunk and tried to molest her. Now what? How do I act? How do I keep my hands off her and what do I say? I can't tell her about all this; it would be too overwhelming and she might feel I was laying a guilt trip on her, but I want her back."
"Christian, think of it as a business situation turn on your business charm. Be positive and upbeat but, most of all, let your light shine through. You have come to some new realizations about your life and it's now you have to put them into practice. I think the most telling thing you said is that you prostituted your subs. Tell me why."
"John, that is easy; I never let them be who they were - only who I wanted them to be. I would bestow lavish gifts on them as a form of payment. I have even put one through medical school, while others; I've helped out with loans. Surprisingly, they have all paid me back. But I never let them know…me. They only knew the man who would snap his fingers and have them kneel for hours in only their panties until I was ready to use and/or beat them. What kind of cruel fucked-up person am I?"
"I think you need to change the last sentence to what kind of cruel fucked-up person were you. Would you take on another sub if Anastasia never came back?"
Christian's face turned into pure unadulterated panic. "Is she not coming back?" He calmed himself. "To answer your question, NO; if Anastasia didn't want me, I would not crawl back into the darkness. I want someone; hopefully Ana, to care for me, touch me, and calm me down. I never knew I could be capable of lust, longing, and desire other than sexual. I still have many sessions to work out my feelings but I'm willing to become the man Anastasia wants and the man I need to be."
"Don't you think you will want to beat her when she crosses some invisible line or defies you?"
"Yes, I'm sure all those emotions are still there but I've learned to control my urges. When an asshole business man wants to screw my company, I can control myself not to beat the shit out of him. For years I gave credit to Elena for beating the shit out of me, thinking that she helped me control myself. Now I realize that kindness from someone might have done the same thing. Anastasia was right when she said Elena hurt me instead of helped me."
Christian stood up, took off his suit coat and tie, and went to the fridge for water - even asking John if he wanted one. John declined and noticed how Christian walked like a jungle cat, with grace and his sex oozing from every pore. He was a beautiful man. This was the man Anastasia saw the first day they met. She was probably very contained, thinking Christian would pounce on her at any moment.
"What are you going to say to her when she enters your car tomorrow?"
"Well, I can't just pounce on her and take her in the backseat."
John just smiled at Christian like he was enjoying his own personal joke.
"What is so funny, John? I'm glad you're laughing at me."
"You have such grace, Christian, something I've failed to notice. In fact, I thought of you as a jungle cat ready to pounce."
Christian smiled his 1000-megawatt smile. "Today I feel like a wild beast stalking my prey. I can feel Ana's blood warming as we speak. I think if she hadn't left me I wouldn't feel this way. Not that I even have her back yet, but her leaving me has given me the opportunity to grow. How's that possible?"
"Christian, only the most overbearing pain could force you to think about your life. You grew into a man basically without emotions. Ana came along and gave herself to you with open arms and an open heart. You had no choice but to feel. I'm curious about how you felt after you beat her and then she told you that she loved you. I don't want your usual rhetoric about being unlovable. I want your feelings."
"Christ, John, what do you want? Blood? I felt so ashamed for this young woman who had the guts to tell me she loved me after I painfully hurt and humiliated her. Where in all the pain I inflicted on her could she find the words?"
"I suspect that she was more concerned about you than her own wellbeing. She may have thought she was never going to see you again and wanted you to know. Anastasia even expressed concern over not being able to fulfill your needs with the sub/dom contract. Will you reassure her that she's enough for you?"
Christian had tears in his eyes "If I could change that night, I would, but I can't. I'll just have to prove to her every day we're together that she makes me feel complete. Now I need to bring up the elephant in the room, Leila. Do you think she is dangerous?"
"I still believe she is only dangerous to herself. Your man, Welsh, seems determined to find her. I know you want to help, Christian, but let's concentrate on one woman at a time."
For the first time in the session, Christian was running his hands through his beautiful hair.
"What do you want from tomorrow night?" Flynn questioned.
"I want to be with her without arguments or scenes. I want to make her feel safe and reassured. I don't think sex is a good idea until she feels safe with me. And I won't push her," he shouted.
"What about the damn contract?" John shouted back.
"What damn contract? I want her without rules, restrictions, or any other damn device that may cheapen the relationship; I want to be with her. How about that?" he said smirkingly.
"If you were a woman, I would say you have come a long way, baby, but for you, I would say, keep up the good bowling. Send me an email about tomorrow night or I'll save Friday at the same time. I'm here when you need me, Christian, as your doctor, friend, and mentor. I must say I'm extremely proud of you. You're becoming the man I always wanted to know."
Christian stood up grabbed his coat and tie, shook Dr. Flynn's hand, "Why do you always bring up Cricket when you are passing out complements?" and walked out with a smile on his face.
He walked back to the penthouse. He got the news as the elevator opened that someone had spotted Leila on the street following him home. Christian thought he had been pretty vigilant walking home but he was consumed by thoughts of Ana. He worked until one and went to bed. As he crawled into bed, he could almost feel Anastasia's arms around him. He slept without dreams until six.