Because sometimes you get an idea so stupid, you just have to do it.

The Day Tyrell's Butt Exploded

It was a fairly ordinary day in Kalay. The sun was shining high in the sky. The wind was warm. The birds were singing. And Matthew and Karis were sitting beneath a tree, enjoying a quiet and tranquil picnic. All in all, it was easily the most peaceful and serene day either could remember since before the Grave Eclipse.

So it was only natural that something should happen to end that serenity.

Tyrell appeared upon the horizon, lumbering towards the general direction of Matthew and Karis' picnic. The two Adepts, realizing this, did everything they could to remain inconspicuous, hoping that Tyrell would not realize it was them and find someone else to bother.

Naturally, that did not happen.

"Hey, guys!" Tyrell greeted them with a mouthful of hot-dog. "What are you two lovebirds up to?"

As if it wasn't clear that we were having lunch, Matthew thought to himself. But he wasn't so rude to Tyrell when he spoke. That was Karis' job. "Just having lunch."

"Yeah, me too!" Tyrell exclaimed, somehow excited like this was some sort of astounding revelation. When he spoke, a few tiny fragments of half-chewed hot-dog sprayed from his mouth, landing on the picnic basket. Matthew did his hardest not to show his disgust visibly.

"Guys, guess what!" Tyrell said, food spraying as he spoke again. "I got this incredible idea!" Tyrell reached into his bag and conjured another hot-dog, having finished his first.

"What's your idea, Tyrell?" Karis said through her teeth. It was clear that she wanted nothing more than to scream at Tyrell to get lost, but it just wouldn't be right of them to be so blatantly rude to their friend, no matter how he got on their nerves.

Surprisingly, Tyrell finished what was in his mouth before he told them. Whatever it was, it must be a doozy.

"You guys know about my dream, right?"

Matthew and Karis exchanged glances.

"Oh, c'mon!" Tyrell exclaimed. "You two have known me for how many years, and you don't even know what my lifelong ambition is? Some friends you are!"

"We're sorry, Tyrell..." They said in unison, ashamed and sorry.

"It's okay, I'll just remind you now." Tyrell struck a dramatic pose, holding his unfinished hot-dog in his left hand and pointing up at the sky with his right. "I have always been bound by this world! But my dreams reach farther than that! Just as you guys couldn't stop me from taking the Soarwing and defying gravity itself, Weyard itself will not stop me from reaching farther than the sky! I will go to the moon! The first human to set foot on that giant rock in the sky! Tyrell! Me!"

"wow tyrell thats amazing" Matthew said.

"how are you gonna do it" Karis asked.

"Simple!" Tyrell exclaimed. "I have not used the outhouse in at least twelve hours, yet I have been eating non stop since I got up! If I continue to eat without pause, and without bowel relief, I will be able to release all the built-up poo in my ass in a single burst, which will send me flying up into the air with enough force to propel me into the moon's gravitational pull!"

"..."

"..."

Nobody spoke for a moment, so busy were Matthew and Karis in trying to accept that a human being had actually said that in front of them.

Then Karis stood up and hit Tyrell over the head.

"Idiot!" She yelled, continuing to strike him. "You big stupid fool! Please tell me what you just said was a joke!"

"It was not!" Tyrell said, defending himself from Karis' vicious blows. "It is my dream! My goal! My one and only ambition! I will get to the moon! I promise it! Dattebayo!"

Karis crossed her arms. "You're a fool. You are such an unbelievable idiot. Go ahead and try it. You won't last three days before you soil your pants."

"I should have known you wouldn't support me," Tyrell said. He turned to Matthew. "But you've got my back, right?"

Matthew sighed. "That's... I mean... C'mon, man... seriously."

"Fine!" Tyrell burst. "I see how you guys are! Nobody believes I can do it! I'll prove you all wrong!"

He ran off, leaving behind a very confused Matthew and Karis.

"Should we be worried about him?" Karis asked.

"I'm sure he'll have forgotten about all this by tomorrow."

He didn't. Three days passed, and Tyrell had yet to use the bathroom.

In addition, he continued to stuff his face whenever he could. Matthew and Karis, having actually ironically forgotten Tyrell's vow themselves, didn't notice anything until the evening of the third day, when they found him sitting before a bowel of potato chips, gripping the edge of the table and clenching every muscle in his face.

"Are you... alright there?" Matthew asked.

"Mustn't... unclench... ass..." Tyrell said between short breaths.

"Tyrell, I think you need to use the bathroom," Karis told him.

"Never!" Tyrell exclaimed. "If I give in now, then what sort of man would I be? I have many days yet before I build up enough power to launch myself to the moon!"

"The moon? What are you... oh no, not this again!" Karis threw up her hands and walked away.

Matthew proved to more more patient. "Tyrell... c'mon, man. You know this will never work. You can't get to the moon like this. Not this way."

"I will!" Tyrell screamed, his face starting to turn red. "I will get to the moon! My ass will get me to the moon! I will not listen to any naysayers!"

"You're going to hurt yourself," Matthew said, turning away to catch up with Karis.

A week had now passed, and everyone was starting to get worried. Tyrell's stomach was bloated by now, and he had not vomited or had any sort of bowel movement. He was starting to look rather sickly. The adults were aware now, and naturally they were worried, so they decided to consult Kraden.

"Well, I'm not a physician, but I do know a few things about the human digestive process," Kraden said while looking over Tyrell's bloated belly. "Honestly, this would be fascinating were it not so troublesome. By everything I know about biology, Tyrell should have soiled himself several days ago. It's actually kind of amazing that he is able to hold so much food in his body."

"This isn't some science project, Kraden!" Mustache!Garet exclaimed. "He's my son and he's going to die if we don't figure out what's happening!"

"How is this even possible?" Isaac asked.

"My guess is that, since Tyrell has been eating so much since he was born, he has somehow strengthened his internal organs," Kraden mused, scratching his gray beard. "Think of it as exercising. Granted, this is just a theory. Honestly, this whole thing is just completely baffling."

"Why, son?!" Mustache!Garet cried. "Why would you attempt something like this?!"

"I will reach the moon," Tyrell said with great prejudice. "And the only way to get there is with an anal rocket."

"Oh, Isaac!" Mustache!Garet said as he burst into tears, seeking comfort in Isaac's masculine arms. "My boy has lost his mind!"

"I wonder if he ever had one..." Isaac said under his breath.

Another four days passed, and Tyrell did not give into temptation and use the toilet.

His belly was now larger than that of a pregnant woman, and the extra weight it added, in addition to the constant sickness, had confined Tyrell to a bed in the hospital.

"The doctors said that I wouldn't be able to take a crap anyway," Tyrell said to Matthew and Karis, who were visiting. "They said it would kill me."

Karis shook her head, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You fool... I told you not to do this..."

"What more can be done?" Matthew asked.

"They want to do surgery on me to remove all the fecal matter from my rectum," Tyrell said with a hard face. "But I told them no. And because I'm a legal adult now, they can't do the surgery without my consent."

"But why?!" Karis exclaimed. "You idiot! You're going to die if you don't get help! How could you do this to us?! How could you do this... to me?!"

Karis melodramatically fled the hospital, tears streaming behind her as she ran. Matthew turned to his friend.

"Tyrell, you're tearing everyone apart," he said. "Please, as your friend I ask you... just give it up,"

"It is nearly time," Tyrell said, staring straight at the ceiling as he spoke. "I cannot turn back now. I will not. I am nearly there."

Matthew solemnly rose from his seat and took a deep breath.

"Then the next time I see you, you will be dead. Goodbye, my friend."

Two more days passed. Tyrell was silently enjoying his lunch, determinately eating a spicy burrito. He could feel his stomach churning within his body, unprepared to deal with the rough meal.

Then a sharp pain struck him!

"It is happening!" Tyrell declared.

He struggled to his feet. He could feel the pain growing. It would not wait for him. He needed to get outside as quickly as possible, or it would all be for naught.

Tyrell fought his way outside, defeating doctors and nurses as they appeared to stop him. All the while, he could feel the pain growing. He could feel his anus loosening.

It was really happening.

Tyrell emerged into the open streets of Kalay, the warm sunlight shining down from above. The moon was not in the sky, but he had counted on this. It would take him time to reach the edge of the sky, and he didn't want to miss it.

"Tyrell, what are you doing?!"

A familiar voice called out to him from afar. Karis' voice. He looked, and saw her, along with Matthew, Isaac, and his father.

"It is happening now!" Tyrell called out to them. "I am going to blast off to the moon!"

"No, Tyrell!" Kraden exclaimed, appearing from seemingly nowhere. "Don't let the shit out of your ass! The force of the explosion will be catastrophic! You'll never survive!"

"Somebody will have to clean it up, too," Isaac snarked.

"I never doubted myself!" Tyrell proclaimed. "Not for a single moment! All of you told me I could never do it! Well, behold!"

Tyrell unbuckled his belt.

"No! Don't do it!"

Tyrell lowered his troushers and squat down. Several bystanders were giving him bewildered looks.

"Tyrell, don't so this!" Mustache!Garet begged.

"Goodbye everyone!" Tyrell said. "I unleash: thirteen days of build up shit! Take me to the moon!"

The Adepts ran for cover, abandoning the unsuspecting bystanders. Tyrell screamed as the shit burst forth from his ass with the strength of a fire hydrant. Gallons of thick, brown shit sprayed out of the Mars Adept's ass, instantly covering the innocent bystanders. Many screamed. Others tried in vain to escape. One mother threw herself over her child to protect it from the onslaught of human feces.

Tyrell continued to scream as his ass was quite literally torn asunder. Crimson blood began to flow, mixing with the torrent of chocolate excrement. And with one final thrust, the remaining shit was expelled from Tyrell's ass, and he was thrown violently into the air with the speed of a bullet.

A team was dispatched from the hospital to clean up the mess, and to tend to the wounded. Thankfully, nobody had died, but a few of the bystanders had suffered broken bones, and many had vomited after being cover from head to toe in Tyrell's shit.

Tyrell himself, had vanished in the chaos. After an exhausting ten minutes of searching, they concluded that their friend was gone forever. Kraden proposed the theory that the force coming out of his ass had been too much for Tyrell to bear, and his body had literally exploded. Everyone agreed that this was the most likely theory.

They held a small funeral for their fallen friend. Mustache!Garet was inconsolable the entire time, not because he was upset, but because he was busy trying to come up with a new story to explain the death of his son. He didn't want to admit that his son had committed suicide via anal explosion.

That night, Matthew and Karis gathered under the same tree where they had their picnic two weeks earlier. They set up a small memorial to Tyrell, which included a picture of their lost friend, a piece of the Soarwing he broke, and various candy wrappers he had left behind.

"Goodnight, sweet prince," Matthew said in a soft voice. Karis held back tears as they left the monument and walked away. Matthew looked up and saw the moon shining bright above them.

"Even if his methods were a bit misguided..." Matthew said. "It's still a beautiful thing. He wanted to get to the moon. And even though everyone told him he couldn't, he still tried everything he could."

"Yeah, it sure is," Karis agreed.

"Dude... what a ride..."

Tyrell sat up. He was in a strange and unfamiliar place, surrounded by gray rocks. The sky above him was naught but a window of stars.

"The moon!" Tyrell exclaimed, sitting up as best he could with his annihilated ass. "I made it!"

"You sure did," said someone behind him. Tyrell turned around to find two people with white robes and blonde, bowl-cut hair. "Sup. We're Sheba's parents."

"Far-out."

THE END

A/N: I honestly can't believe I actually wrote that. What a stupid idea. Still, it might give someone a few giggles. If not, feel free to flame me. Honestly, I deserve it after this.

I think my writing standards may be dropping... :(