Angels Calling
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- None
Pairing:- Jean/James
Rating:- K+
Achieve:- http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/
Summary:- You will get over me, move on and live the life you deserve to have and which I wanted with all my heart to share and I will watch over you and be there in the quiet when you need me most. Until then I have a different path to tread, one free from pain and disease, one that leads me quietly, peacefully now into the arms of waiting angels.
Author's Note:- Written for the "Angels calling" by Rooster song fic challenge so lyrics in italics are obviously not mine. Serious Angst warning with this one if you don't like character death, high angst and general misery then please stop now. I don't often go this angsty so I hope it's ok enjoy (if that's the right word) and reviews would be lovely.
People complain about the heat in hospitals, right now though the chill in this room is artic as I stand in the corner watching the scene unfold in front of me. You sit by the bed, where you've been for the last 4 days and I want to go to you, to hold you and tell you it'll be ok like I always have but I can't. Not anymore.
You and I were one and I swore to stay forever
But they say all good things come to an end my friend and now it's time to move on
When we fell in love, in spite of the battles we had to go through to be together, I swore that I'd be by your side until the end of time. We'd live every day like it were our last and never waste another second of our time together and I like to think until now that's what we've done. I'd like to think until this happened I've never broken my promise to love you and make your life better. Now it's out of my hands though, now I have to go no matter how much it breaks my heart, and yours. Nothing lasts forever, even those things that we feel deserve to and our time has come.
But don't think that this is easy cos it's hard leaving you behind
Bu you'll be fine
You're pacing now, talking quietly even though no one is listening, making pleas that I wish I could heed and I want to cry out to you, to tell you I'm sorry that I don't want to do this but I have to go. For a second I can see all the days that will never come, I can hear the conversations, see your smile, hear your laughter. I can live every row we'll never have, feel every night of passion that has now turned to ash before it had a chance to burn bright.
"Jean you can't do this to me, we made a promise, it's not meant to be over yet, there's so much more we're supposed to do! I love you don't you dare leave me now." There's angry frustrated edge to your voice makes my heart ache even more and again I'm desperate to hold you, to tell you I'm sorry that leaving you will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know you'll get over me, I know it will probably not take as long as my heart would hope it will but for now your pain fills the room as completely as the sterile hospital smell and the shallow sound of my breathing.
Does it help if I say that I'm really truly sorry?
And that I never meant for it to end this way?
"James I'm sorry, I love you and if there was any other way you know I'd find it. It wasn't supposed to be like this, what we have wasn't supposed to end in a soulless hospital room. It was supposed to soar, it was supposed to last until we were both old and grey and ready for it to end but there's nothing I can do my darling I wish there was." My words pass you by I can't get through to you, you can't hear me or don't want to. A few steps and I'm by your side I can smell the familiar scent of your aftershave, the one I bought you for Christmas and which you have worn here every day in the hope it will make me realise what I'm leaving behind and make me change my mind. God I wish that was all it took. I wish a memory stirred by a scent, or an angry demand made in grief was enough to change this but it's not. It never could be no matter how much I want it to.
There's a place in your heart, where you know you'll always find me
And I'll be with you wherever you are near or far.
You walk away, the need for space, the need to make me feel your loss in the final ditch attempt to change my mind, too strong for you to resist and I follow you. I'll always be by your side even when you don't want to admit that I'm there.
"Are you ok?" Robbie has stopped you before you get far from the room, his hand firmly on your arm stopping you running, stopping you making a mistake because he knows time is short and if you don't allow me this time to say goodbye you'll regret it. He's been where you are and he knows the mistakes before you make them.
"She won't listen Robbie, I can't get through, why can't she see that it's too soon for goodbye?"
"Maybe she can, but sometimes you have to accept that there's nothing more that you can do, that the battle is already lost and all you can do it give in gracefully and bow out." He knows there's nothing that can change things now, he knows that the final moments are near and I need him to make you see it as I whisper quietly in his ear to remind you that I'll never really leave, that I'll always be there in your heart when you need me. "She loves you James and you love her but sometimes love isn't enough it doesn't mean she'll ever really be gone though. She's there in your heart, the memories you've made, the things you've shared can't ever be lost."
Oh so if you believe say a pray for me
I won't be here tomorrow somewhere I gotta be
"Go back in James, don't waste what time you have left, you'll regret it if you do." Suddenly we're back in the room and I can feel the change in the air it's almost time for me to go and I want to cling to you as much as you want me to stay. Hands laced together as you run your fingers over the simple gold band and I hear your whispered prayer, a final plea to a god you abandoned many years ago but who still calls to you in moments like this. I know the time to watch is ending as the sound of the hospital invade the room again, the beeping of machines, the bustle of a nurse who invades you contemplation with a sad smile making notes on a chart before pausing at the door.
"Mr Hathaway I'm sorry but it's not going to be much longer have you managed to get in contact with your wife's son?"
"He was here earlier, he'll be back tonight if…"
Things you want to say save them for another day
Cos I can hear angels calling, angels calling for me
You can't bring yourself to say it and a small part of me is glad. The moment has come and I don't want the last thing I hear from you to be an admission that it's over. I can hear distant voices encouraging me, whispered words of those I've lost in the past telling me it's time, that I have to let go.
"What's happening? Do something!" Your voice is vague, the distress in it breaking my heart a final time as an explosion of activity begins and the last thing I see before darkness descends is Robbie holding you back as a faceless doctor shakes his head and flicks a switch to stop the alarm on the heart monitor that has beaten out a rhythm of hope for you since they wheeled me into this room. The operation was supposed to give us more time not less but no one knows what is in the future hold our how much time we are really granted. You will get over me, move on and live the life you deserve to have and which I wanted with all my heart to share and I will watch over you and be there in the quiet when you need me most. Until then I have a different path to tread, one free from pain and disease, one that leads me quietly, peacefully now into the arms of waiting angels.