A few thoughts about what might have been going on through John's head when he saw his lost love's photon in season two's finale. We don't see John's grief straight on. It's kind of a side view. It made me feel just how much he still loved Jessica. The conversation between John and Shaw may not be word for word from the show, but I think I captured the essence of the scene.
"Who are the people in these pictures?" Shaw asked, peering over John's shoulder.
"I don't know," he said, as he began to flip through the stack of photos. "Maybe people Finch couldn't save in time."
John froze – every fiber in his being turned to stone. Staring up at him was her picture with her number written on a post-it note. Her kind smile and laughing blue eyes. Jessica.
Seeing her face brought the familiar burning ache once again into his heart. Underneath that, there was another emotion. He didn't know how deeply he had buried it under his fierce exterior. It didn't matter how the grief and anger had stabbed gouging holes in him. It didn't matter how many lives he had saved since losing her. He hadn't lost that sweet, tender love he had had for her. Seeing her face brought those kaleidoscope of emotions all back to the surface once again.
"You knew her," Shaw said, watching him closely. Her voice sounded a million miles away. He felt like he had been dropped into a black hole. He was the hopeless lost dead man again. All he could feel was the broken, shattered pieces of his heart. They ached with a strength he thought he'd never feel again. Beyond the pain, he felt the ache of missing her most of all. He missed hearing her voice, touching her skin, smelling her hair, hearing her say his name.
"You cared about her," Shaw said.
John's eyes filled with a thousand unshed tears. He let his once frozen heart beat once more for the love he'd lost. Harold shouldn't have held on to her picture. It wasn't his fault Jessica hadn't been saved in time. It was John's for not telling her to wait for him – for not telling her he loved her every second of every day.
"Is she alive?" Shaw asked.
"No," he said, his voice ancient. He swallowed, putting the pictures back into the safe. Shaw began to pull out a map that had been tucked into the corner of the safe. It was time to get back to work.
It was time to save the world and to find his friend. For a second, John had felt whole. Tender, fragile feelings he'd thought he'd lost long ago had surfaced as if just blooming. Instead of hating himself, he was secretly glad. His heart was still shattered into daggers of pain and grief, but it hadn't forgotten those first caresses of love.
Jessica. He would hide his feelings deep inside once more and go back to work. This time, a pale rose of love would stand in the center of his blocked off heart. A rose he would never forget. A rose he would only take out when he was alone and missing her. Then he would remember Jessica the way she would have wanted him to – with kind, sweet happiness and not the burning anger of inconsolable grief.