Castiel felt the guilt which had been brewing within him for most of the morning beginning to gnaw violently at his very being. It was apparent by the way Dean was dancing around the kitchen whistling a familiar tune that he was in a good mood, and Castiel feared that he was about to come along and ruin it.
Ever since Mary had returned several days ago the three Winchesters had been hauled up in the library together catching up; there had been of, course, a lot to catch up on and from what Castiel had gathered it had been filled with equal amounts of laughter and tears.
Now, however, things seemed to be in a rare state of bliss; Dean especially seemed to be taking things in his stride and was a lot happier than Castiel had seen in a long time.
"Hey, buddy" Dean said with a grin when he spotted Castiel. The Winchester flipped the pancake he was currently making. "I know you don't eat breakfast but I know you like the smell so I figured we could all sit together."
"That sounds lovely, Dean" Castiel said with a soft smile. "But there's something that I want to discuss with you first."
"Okay..." Dean said a little sceptically as he slid the fresh pancake onto an already perfectly formed stack.
"I...l think I'm going to leave for a while."
There was a clatter as Dean dropped the butter knife he had just grabbed on the counter.
"What are you talking about?" Dean asked a little more heatedly than he probably meant to.
Castiel closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before continuing.
"You and Sam are enjoying this time with your mother, as you should be, and I fear that I'm intruding."
"Cas, that's ridiculous" Dean said as he whipped around to face the Angel. "You're family too; you're supposed to be here. I've told you that and I meant it. Family doesn't end in blood, remember? That's one of the most important things Bobby taught us."
Castiel sighed. "It isn't just that though, Dean. Lucifer could be out there and that's my fault. It's my responsibility-"
"Our responsibility "Dean stressed. "We're a team."
"Dean, I can't let Lucifer hurt you or Sam again. You just got your mother back-"
"Exactly!" Dean yelled unexpectedly. "I have just got my family back together and I am not losing any of you again. Nobody is going anywhere by themselves!"
Castiel held his head high with resolve but he could not deny that seeing Dean so upset caused him anguish in return.
"Alright" he said lowly. "I suppose I was foolish to think that you would understand why I have to do this."
With that the Angel turned and made his way solemnly up the stairs.
Dean was still letting Castiel's words sink in when his mother entered the kitchen.
"Hey, honey. Is everything okay? I just saw Castiel and he didn't look too happy."
"We just had a fight" Dean said with a sigh as he sat down at the table. "He thinks that he needs to give us space, but I told him that I don't want him to leave. We came so close to losing him with Lucifer. I spent weeks feeling helpless, guilty, worrying. I can't let Cas suffer like that again, or worse. I won't lose him."
"Have you told Cas all of this?" Mary asked as she went to sit beside her son and rubbed a hand up and down his back soothingly.
"Yeah, but I don't think it helps. He still thinks that he's just a burden, a tool that we use. He doesn't understand that I want him to be here and that I see him as so much more than that."
"Well, honey, you just have to keep letting Cas know how much you love him" Mary reasoned. "And I don't mean that in the same way you love Sam."
"W-what?" Dean stammered. "Mom, I care about Cas. I need him, b-but I can't..." He trailed off helplessly.
"Why can't you?" Mary asked. "Dean, if you love someone then you should not let anyone stand in your way, especially not yourself. With the life I lead I wasn't sure if I should let myself fall for your dad, but he made me so happy." She cupped one of Dean's cheeks in her palm and smiled lovingly. "And he gave me my two beautiful boys."
Dean smiled back at her and allowed himself to enjoy the warmth of his mother's touch which he had craved for many years.
"This is different though, Mom. Cas is an angel. Like a literal Angel, not in the cute sense. I-I mean he is cute but...oh god I'm literally living every teens worst nightmare" he said as he buried his head in his hands.
"Why? Just because you're talking about boys with you mom?" Mary teased as she pinched Dean's cheek. "Don't be embarrassed, baby."
"Okay, so...maybe I do love Cas" Dean finally admitted (and it felt good to do so). "Would…are you okay with that?"
"Dean, that doesn't matter" Mary stressed. "But yes, I like Castiel. Ever since you were a baby I told you that an angel was watching over you, and it's nice to know that that was true. I trust Castiel to look after you now, and he knows that I know how to use knives if he doesn't."
"Mom" Dean groaned. "Castiel would never intentionally hurt me."
"Good to know" Mary said sincerely.
"It's just that I've never even been with a guy before" Dean said. "Let alone someone of another species…and I don't want to screw things up and lose Cas forever."
"You won't" Mary encouraged. "Do you remember Jack Smith? He used to live across the street from us. The two of you used to play together all the time and then one day you asked him to marry you."
"Mom" Dean groaned. "I was four. I didn't know any better."
"Aww, but I was so happy for my bisexual baby-"
"Mom!"
"Alright" Mary laughed. "There was really no point to that anyway; I just have a lot of embarrassing to make up for."
"Well it's working" Dean said; his cheeks were flushed red. "But I guess I've always had it deep down inside me then, huh…? Okay maybe now I think about it not that deep."
Mary nodded. "Now, are you going to go and tell Castiel how you feel? From everything you've told me the two of you have been through so much together, always come back to one another; you've loved each other for years, but you just need to say it."
"Okay" Dean said with a firm nod. He pulled Mary into a hug. "Thanks, Mom."
"Anytime, baby" Mary said with a soft smile.
It took some time for Dean to locate Castiel but he eventually found the angel in the dungeon rummaging through a box of artefacts.
"Hey, what are you up to?" Dean asked sheepishly.
"Searching for anything that might be able to help me track Lucifer" Castiel replied without looking up at Dean.
Dean sighed deeply. "Look, Cas…there's something that I need to tell you and if you still want to leave afterwards then…so be it."
Castiel finally stopped what he was doing and looked up at Dean suspiciously before standing up completely.
"Alright."
"Okay, this isn't easy for me to say" Dean started stalling as he paced up and down a little. "And I don't want you to freak out or anything-"
"Dean" Castiel said softly and he laid he hand gently on the hunter's arm to stop him from walking. Dean turned around and was met by the angel's wide and concerned eyes. "Just tell me."
"Okay" Dean took a deep breath. "I love you, Cas."
He was surprised by how easily the words just flowed from him; it felt so natural and like a sigh of relief he did not know that he had been holding. He could not understand why he hadn't said it sooner.
"No, Dean."
And then the hunter felt like he had been punched in the chest.
"W-what?"
"You don't…you can't" Castiel said quietly as he stepped way. "How could you? After the things I've done. I'm useless, Dean. Worthless. Broken."
"I've done some pretty crappy things too, Cas! Like telling you I didn't care that you were broken when it killed me to see you like that! Like kicking you out into a world you barely understood. Not seeing how you were spiralling. I wish that I could take all that stuff back because I want you to see how awesome I think you are and how much I do love you, Cas. Don't ever think you're worthless or in the way because I can't imagine my life without you. The one thing I've always said was that I need you and I mean it. Please just let me show you."
There were a few moments of silence as the words sank in and Dean felt like he could not breathe as he waited for Castiel to respond.
"I love you too, Dean. Of course I do; you are the one who taught me to love. I turned against heaven for you and I would do it again. I'd just never felt this before; I didn't know if I could give you what you deserve."
"Are you kidding? I didn't think that I deserved you" Dean said with a nervous laugh. "But my mom made me realise that we can both be a lot happier if we stopped second guessing ourselves and just –"
"Hold hands and sail off this cliff together?" Castiel suggested as he remembered what Dean had said to him years before.
"Well, hopefully we won't plummet to our deaths, but sure I guess that works" Dean said amusedly.
"Okay, but…I don't have that much experience" Castiel warned. "I've made out with a demon, had sex with a reaper, married a woman who found me naked in a lake, and got kissed by my sister."
"Wow" Dean said with wide eyes. "Well I haven't exactly had a great past with relationships either, but don't worry; it'll be a learning curve for both of us."
"I'd like to get started" Castiel said with a smile.
"Me too" Dean replied with equal enthusiasm.
They both took a small step forward and Dean looped his arms around Castiel's waist. The angel placed his warm hands against Dean's chest, and the pair could not wait a moment longer to let their lips meet.
There had been no further discussion of Castiel leaving the bunker as after their confessions to each other he had of course decided to stay with Dean.
Sam and Mary had taken great joy in seeing the two of the finally together; Sam especially since he had been there to suffer through the longing looks and double-edged words. He enjoyed teasing his brother for waiting so long, but truly he was glad Dean finally knew that he deserved happiness.
One night they all decided to migrate to Sam's room to watch a movie. Castiel and Dean took one side of the bed and snuggled up close to each other; Castiel had his head resting on Dean's shoulders whilst the hunter had his arm wrapped around the angel's waist.
"You two are just so sweet together" Mary cooed.
"Yeah, so sweet it makes me want to throw up" Sam added with a much faker smile.
Dean sighed with a roll of his eyes. "Would both of you please stop?"
"I'm sorry, I just know that you two must have been waiting a long time for this" Mary said. "You've barely left each other's side for days!"
"It could have happened a lot sooner if Dean had just listened to me about finding someone who understands the life" Sam said. "Turns out he just had to look to the end of his cute lil' nose" he added as he teasingly flicked his brother's snout.
"Hey!" Dean whined. "Mom!"
"Stop teasing your brother, Sam. His not his fault his nose is so loveable."
"Mom!"
Sam and Mary just both started laughing. Castiel, meanwhile, was looking somewhat confused.
"Don't be embarrassed, Dean" Sam said. "It's nice to see you so happy. I mean when you have the hots for someone your personality becomes like thirty per cent more likeable."
"I noticed that he sings a lot" Mary said. "Oh, he has such a nice voice. And he dances around shaking his lil'-"
"Okay, both of you please leave, now!" Dean exclaimed.
"C'mon, mom" Sam said. "Let's leave the two love birds to their snuggy-wuggies."
He quickly hurried out of the room when Dean threw a pillow in his direction. Mary went after him and Dean and Castiel could both here them giggling down the hall.
"Is all this teasing part of being in the Winchester family?" Castiel asked curiously.
"Yep" Dean said with a deep sigh, but then the beginnings of a small smile tugged at his lips. "You've just got to learn to love it."