Regrets collect like old friends
Rated: T
Pairings: Carson/Hughes
Disclaimer: It could not be less mine. Julian Fellowes wrote Downton Abbey, which is produced by Carnival Films for ITV Network.
Spoilers: It starts midway season 1 but will eventually contain spoilers for season 2.
Summary: She´d sworn herself to have no regrets…. What if Elsie Hughes had accepted Joe Burns proposal in 1913?
Genre: mostly angst. Romance? Who knows?
Author´s note:
I feel like I need to explain a few things about this story. First of all, massive thanks to my beta-reader stuckinpast for proofreading and suggesting the baby name. (You´ll get there)
Secondly, about the title. I had already finished the story and I was – as always- trying to come up with a title, which I always find the hardest part. Then I found this beautiful pic ellie987 made on her tumblre page called ´Regrets collect like old friends.´ She has graciously allowed me to use it as a title for this story. Please look it up if you´ve got the chance, it´s really good.
And lastly, about the story. It started with a - ´Goodness, what would have happened if Elsie had accepted Joe Burns´ proposal in season 1?´ thought. The first chapter was quickly written, but sat on my computer for months because I didn´t have a clue how to finish it and I thought it was too depressing and pointless for a one-shot. And then two weeks ago I finally got a clue… I´ll be the first to admit that this is much more serious and darker then my other stories and it´s a bit of a new territory for me – so please let me know what you think.
Chapter 1
1914
She´d sworn herself to have no regrets. She had made her choice and she wouldn´t look back. If she wasn´t exactly happy, at least she was content. If you looked at the facts from a practical perspective, her life hadn´t really changed that much to begin with. Instead of managing a large household that wasn´t hers to begin with, she now run a small household that was hers. And there was something uplifting, something satisfactory in knowing that at least now she was working for herself, for something that belonged to her.
Only, it never really felt like it. Even after a year it still felt like she was intruding on someone else´s life. As if she were playing a part – all the while waiting for the curtain to close so she could finally return home again. Everything – the farm, the village, her husband, his son - felt like something of a different life. Like something that really didn´t belong to her.
She kept his house – she still didn´t refer to it as theirs in her mind- spotless clean, and she tried to manage the accounts and oversee the handful of staff as a proper farmer´s wife would. But compared to her duties at Downton, it all felt so small and insignificant. And so very, very tedious. It didn´t take long for her to start feeling bored, even though she spend all her energy fighting that emotion.
She wondered how he was. She wondered if life had altered much for him with her gone. She wondered about her replacement. Would they have chosen Anna or had they advertised for a new housekeeper? Who was keeping him company now during the late hours in his pantry? Was there someone to keep him company or was he alone?
Did he miss her? As heart wrenching painfully as she missed him? A while ago, in church, she had brushed rather close past a man who smelled vaguely like peppermint and it had taken every little bit of willpower she had not to break down in tears there and then, the scent reminding her so forcefully of the man she had left behind that it stuck her like a physical blow would. She missed his deep voice, his quiet presence and their crisp bickering matches. Joe didn´t bicker. Whenever she was a little put out and showed it, he would retreat immediately to the barn or his little workplace behind the house.
Did he think of her as often as she thought of him? Did he sometimes stop right in the middle of what he was doing just to wonder what she was doing? Bitterly she thought to herself that he probably didn´t. After her departure, she had been greatly and unpleasantly surprised to discover Charles was very much an ´out of sight, out of mind´ type of person. She had written him in the first months of her marriage. During a time in which she still believed she had made the right choice. That it would take some adapting, but that she would grow to be happy as Mrs Burns. She had eagerly awaited his reply, but none had come. She had written again and again, but the time between her letters had come far and wider as she fretted and worried about his lack of response. A few months ago she had concluded that apparently he didn´t care for a correspondence between them.
Perhaps to him her leaving Downton could be considered to be a form of betrayal. Perhaps he was angry at her for abandoning her post, for putting her personal happiness above the welfare of the house.
She would have laughed at the irony if it didn´t hurt so much. Her personal happiness…
She´d sworn herself to have no regrets. She had made her choice and she wouldn´t look back. And she could convince her mind she was content. But her heart was a different matter altogether.
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