Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine in any way, shape, form, usw.
Warnings: angst
This takes place a year or so after all the gundam pilots have decided to become Preventers.
Dash - Part One
It was springtime again. A time for love, fertility, rebirth.... A time to enjoy. The ivy was beginning to creep in thin, green curls up the sides of the house. The breeze was crisp, and it rustled through the baby leaves in the trees. The birds were singing their joyful songs, hoping to attract another to keep them company.
Spring really was quite beautiful.
But this spring was not the same. The air was prickled with something I feared and knew well. The sky was blue, but not as blue as it should be. People were moving quicker. Animals didn't have the same serenity they should. My house felt empty.
I turned from the window. Winter had come and gone, and now spring was waking up. It had been nearly four months since things had changed. Four months since the next step of the eternal waltz had taken its place. Peace had ended once again, and revolution had taken its place.
That is the reason the sky was not blue - it was tinted with the smoke of whatever the Drachens did at their camps. That is the reason the people moved faster - they were trying to escape. That is the reason the animals were not as cheerful as they normally were - they had left to live elsewhere. That is the reason the air was not the same - it was scented with hate of others. That is the reason my house felt so empty. Heero and Trowa had been captured.
Even though Duo and Wufei still stayed with me, I felt alone. The Drachens, the new group of rebels, had taken chase after the Preventers around the middle of Fall. They disliked us - no, hated us - because of our peace-promoting purpose. We became their target after they had threatened the main leaders from their positions. I don't know what kind of crazy person their leader was, but he disagreed with peace for reasons beyond my comprehension. He ordered his followers to capture all of the Preventers so we would stop our ways. So far, they've been pretty successful. It takes a mastermind to capture Trowa and even a bigger mastermind to capture Heero.
I hadn't heard too much of what goes on with the people they capture. People had silently agreed never to speak of it. I admit that I didn't want to speak of it, either. Talking about Drachen procedures to other people brought suspicions closer to reality. I couldn't bring myself to think of what the Drachens would do to Heero or Trowa.
"Trowa," I whispered to myself. I missed him so much. I wished I could see him again. I hadn't seen him for what felt like years, though it had, in reality, only been a third of one. I was worried about him. I didn't even know if he was....
I stopped myself from thinking further. He was fine. He was perfectly capable of holding off the Drachens. They wouldn't be able to do anything to him. He was smart. He could take anything they tried to do....
I looked out the window again and concentrated on the creeping ivy. It had barely reached the second row of stones. I leaned out the window to see if it was climbing anywhere else on the wall.
"Hey, Quatre!"
I nearly fell out the window.
"Whoa, sorry!" Duo apologized, seeing he'd startled me.
"That's okay," I said, regaining my balance and leaving my place at the window, taking a step toward him.
"Just wondering what's up," he said.
"Oh, just looking at the ivy."
He nodded. "...Have you read the newspaper today?"
"No. Why?" Had something important happened?
"Oh. Just wondering if...you know.... I haven't read it either. Wufei took it."
We stood, thinking. "...Wondering if something happened with the Drachens? Or with their...captives?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
"Me too. I wish I knew what was going on."
"Same. I really miss - "
He didn't finish his sentence, but he didn't have to. I knew what he meant.
"I miss Trowa," I said quietly.
We looked away from each other.
"Well, I'll go see if I can steal the paper from Wufei," he announced, placing a smile back on his face.
"Okay. Tell me if there's anything I'd like to know," I requested.
"No problem, man."
He left without any rush. I have a feeling he was afraid of what the newspaper would say. I'd avoided them since the revolution, as well. I wasn't too enthusiastic about reading articles on what had already been a major part of my life. Wars and revolutions, I mean. I was getting really tired of them.
I walked around the room in a big circle until my eyes rested on the black, odd-shaped case that held my violin. I impulsively picked it up and opened it. I hadn't played my violin for a long time. It was resting peacefully on the velvety cloth which covered the inside of the case. I picked up the bow carefully, as if it would fall apart by being handled too much. The violin came out next. I plucked a string, testing it. It was really out of tune.
I set myself on the task of tuning my old friend. I was glad to have something to preoccupy myself with. I wished I had thought of my violin sooner. I guess it hadn't really crossed my mind recently, since Trowa was gone. There was no one to play duets with, nor was there anyone to play a solo for. My music was usually something I shared only with people I felt extremely close to.
At last, I tucked the violin beneath my chin and brought the bow to its cold strings. I winced as the long-unused instrument squeaked at first contact. I ran the bow across it a few times before it started to sound right. My ears had grown somewhat unaccustomed to the notes but remembered them quickly. I began playing without any knowledge of what the song was. Only halfway through the song did I realize what I was doing.
My eyes closed as the song continued, my fingers unable to stop. The bow touched the strings gently, and the softness of the notes caused me to sway a little to the rhythm. I loved this song. I played louder as the memory relived itself in my head.
Trowa stood in the room with me, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms in a peculiar way. I played my violin for him. He was timidly watching me and paused before deciding to open the cabinet which contained a few other musical instruments. I looked up to see what he was doing. He had pulled a flute from the cabinet and was bringing it to his lips. He blew gently as his fingers danced on the keys. I smiled and continued playing my violin.
That music was the most beautiful I had ever heard. I played more fervently as I remembered Trowa's face that day - serene and peaceful.
I stopped playing abruptly and shook my head. The violin was placed back in its case.
I sat in the cushy chair by the bookcase and stared at all the books, my full concentration on skimming their titles. I didn't even want to read one, actually. I just needed something...something to do.
"Wufei says there's nothing to report."
I glanced at the doorway and saw Duo poking his head in. "Nothing at all?"
"Nope." He looked around. "Well, see you at dinner. If you need me, I'll be somewhere," he smiled.
"All right. See you later."
I watched him leave and sighed involuntarily. I wondered how Duo was doing. He always had a smile on his face, but I don't believe he really meant it. Before Heero was caught, Duo had gotten him to open up, which I'll confess is an extraordinary accomplishment. Duo must have worked pretty hard to gain his trust. The loneliness of Heero's absence wasn't something he could just ignore.
I contemplated finding Duo and talking to him, but eventually decided against it. I didn't have the energy, nor the desire, to do anything but sit. It was strange. I had never been this lethargic before. I guess my behavior had become a little bizarre in the past few months. Sometimes I would be terribly fidgety, an insomniac, and a compulsive thumb-twirler. Other times I would be tired, not wanting to move, not wanting to do anything.
I closed my eyes. The afternoon sun had fallen on the other side of the house, and the room I sat in had little light in it. The darkness felt strangely comforting. I yawned and curled up in the chair, resting my head in the corner formed by the back and the arm.
Whether I lay like that for minutes or hours was unknown to me. Sometimes minutes dragged out into days and days flew by like minutes. I was only half awake when Wufei poked my shoulder.
"Hm?" I grumbled sleepily.
"Dinner. You hungry?"
"Oh. Yeah."
He watched me for a few seconds, making sure I was actually planning on coming. I sat up to show him I was. Satisfied, he turned and left.
Only I did not follow. I watched him leave the room, walking with his feet delicately placed on the ground almost in a premeditated manner. His arms stayed by his sides and barely moved. When I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that he was very elegant. Sometimes he reminded me of a tiger. No - more like a tiger who had turned into a cat. He'd changed, as all of us had, since the end of the war and the beginning of the Preventers.
I'm not sure whether the Preventers served only the purpose of being something for Wufei to do or whether it was something deeper, but he'd gotten a lot nicer. Well, perhaps nicer isn't the word, although he Iis/I nice. He's just different somehow. He's not as solitary, I suppose. He talks to me and Duo more than he used to. If Heero and Trowa were still around, he would talk to them a lot, too....
I pried myself out of the chair and headed for the dining room. Maybe all I needed was some nice conversation. My thoughts often went off on their own. Perhaps talking to my friends would help me preoccupy myself. ...Though, for some reason, I doubted it.
My doubts proved to be correct. Dinner was silent, for the most part. Everyone was probably enveloped in their own thoughts. I knew I was, and likely Duo as well. As for Wufei...I could never really tell with him. It seemed like he was thoroughly concentrating on placing just the right amount of food on his fork before lifting it to his mouth.
When we had all finished our food, silence was still in the air. Finally, Duo yawned and stretched dramatically. Wufei eyed him and, after a second, appeared to be trying to stifle a yawn himself. He pushed his chair back and stood.
"Well, I'll be leaving you, now. There are a few things I'd like to take care of." He bowed slightly and left.
Duo stood next. "I'll be leaving, too. Headache. Need to lie down," he explained briefly and turned, his braid swishing the air as he did so.
I sat for a minute longer. Although I had eaten quite a lot, my energy was still hiding. I picked a pea off my plate and slowly brought it closer to me. I studied it carefully before resting it between my lips and eventually on my tongue. I rolled it around the top of my mouth before swallowing. I couldn't taste it. Everything, including food, had become dull to me.
Eventually, I sighed and stood. But now what should I do...?
I decided to go see Duo.
Dash - Part Two
Warning: angst, bastard/confused Duo (for some reason I love a bastard Duo ;)
I don't know why I went to see Duo, actually. It was kind of a silly thing for me to do. The reason he had left was because he had a headache, after all. People with headaches usually want some peace and quiet, not someone trying to make conversation with them.
I knocked on his door softly and received a groaned "come in" as the answer. He didn't sound too good. I felt a little guilty for having disturbed him.
When I opened the door, I noticed he was lying stomach-down on his bed, his face buried in a pillow.
"Duo?"
"Hm?"
"I was just wondering if you're okay...."
He rolled over and looked at me.
"Yeah. Just fine! Couldn't be better!" His voice told me otherwise, but his smile was hard to argue with.
"Do you want something for your headache?"
His grin faded a little. "No, it's okay."
"You're sure?" I knew I was probably bothering him, but I could tell things weren't Ireally/I okay.
"Yeah. It's just...I guess it's not my head that's bothering me the most."
"What do you mean?"
He studied his fingers. When he spoke, his voice was barely audible. "Do you think I'll ever see Heero again?"
Aha. I should have known.
I sat down beside him and smiled. "Yes. I think we'll see Heero and Trowa again. Don't worry."
I think I was saying it to reassure myself more than to reassure Duo. He wasn't convinced.
"But they've been gone for nearly four months. How can we be sure they aren't being hurt? Or that they aren't already dead?"
"...They aren't dead. They can't be."
He sighed. "I hope that's true. ...I really do miss Heero. I mean, I'd finally gotten through to him, and he had to be taken away again.... Do you know what that's like?"
I stayed silent. I remembered first meeting Trowa. He hadn't trusted me then, but it didn't take very long to gain his trust and his friendship. It felt very nice to have that from him. I remembered how I felt when Trowa had left in the Vayeate to explode. And I remembered how he had lost his memory and didn't know who I was when I came to him. It hurt. I knew what it was like for Duo to lose someone he felt close to.
"I really liked that guy." He looked up at me, his face a little sheepish. "Really."
"I know." I smiled a little. "You were both pretty happy around each other. That must have been important to you. Making Heero happy, I mean."
"Yes."
We looked at each other for a minute, not knowing what to say next.
"Just wait. I'm sure the Drachens will release them. They can't be kept prisoners Iforever/I, you know."
"I know. I just...I'm afraid to sleep. I miss having his body next to me," he said softly. "The nights are so cold without him."
"What?" I could not have heard that right....
He scooched closer to me. "The hours crawl by like centuries without being able to hear the steady breathing."
I raised an eyebrow. "You - ?"
He rested his head on my shoulder. "Mhmm..." he purred.
"Duo...."
"Yeah?" I felt his bangs tickle me as he nuzzled my neck.
"What are you doing?"
He gazed into my eyes, his own full of pain. "Please, Quatre. I can't take another night by myself."
"Duo, I ca - "
He wouldn't let me finish. My words were lost against his lips as he pushed me down with a kiss. My insides lurched. He was kissing me. He was kissing me - another guy?! For a minute I couldn't move, I was so stunned.
As soon as I found my head, I pushed him aside.
"Duo, don't," I urged him.
"I have to," he stated, quickly pinning my wrists and climbing over me.
My panic had to be visible in my eyes. What was he doing? He was on top of me - sitting on me, not letting me move. "No you don't. Think about what you're doing."
I felt his hips push down on mine, and he kissed me again, sliding his tongue along my lips. As he parted them and licked my teeth, I thrashed my head to break away. He only captured me again.
I could feel my head spinning. This wasn't happening...this couldn't be happening.... This was Duo. He had to be kidding. But he was pushing harder and harder against me. I shut my eyes as though it would also shut my senses and my mind. I knew this was wrong, but I didn't know why my body was telling me otherwise.
I tried to squirm away again, but Duo was holding me firmly.
"Duo, stop! Please!"
I felt the pressure on my wrists ease up and become nonexistent. A wave of relief passed through me. He wasn't going to do anything, after all. It was silly of me to worry.
But then I felt my shirt being ripped open.
"Duo!"
"Shh, Quatre, please just cooperate."
I cringed. Forgive me.... I clenched my fists and aimed for Duo, hoping it would buy me enough time to crawl out from under him.
It didn't work. He caught my arms and shoved them against the pillows, leaning over so his nose was only centimeters away from mine.
"Duo. Stop. Look what you're doing! You don't want me! Stop this - "
"I need it. It's driving me crazy. I wake up in the middle of the night with no one next to me. It's so cold. So empty. I hate it. I can't take it anymore. ...I can't take it.... The silence is so hard to listen to. There's no one to call out my name, no one to snuggle up to, no one...."
He spoke in confused sentences, his voice full of sadness.
"I won't make it any better. I'm not Heero. Heero is the one you want - "
"But I can't have him. I need this. I need to feel...."
He kissed me roughly on the lips before traveling down my neck. I tried to fight the tingling in my skin, but it wouldn't leave. I could feel my breaths sticking in my lungs as wet circles were traced over my chest. I hated it, but it felt so good.... I didn't know what to think. I was so confused - I knew this shouldn't be happening. It wasn't right. But Duo was my friend - he wouldn't hurt me. Why was my body was aching for his touch?
"I'm so lonely, Quatre. Please let me...."
I was lonely too.
"I need someone."
Me too.
I shook my head, whipping the thought away from my mind. I needed someone, but not Duo. Duo didn't need me, either. He didn't love me.
A moan caught me by surprise. It took a second for me to realize it came from my own mouth. What was happening to me? Why was I being so affected by Duo? By my friend? By another guy? It didn't make any sense.
"Thank you, Quatre," he whispered. "Thank you so much...."
No. Why was he thanking me? Did he think I had surrendered to him? I couldn't let him. I wouldn't let him.... I took in a deep breath.
"No! Stop it now!" I screamed, shoving all my energy sideways, trying to force him away from me.
"...?" He made a short noise of surprise as he lost his balance and slid off.
I scuttled off the bed and peered down at him, my mind a little befuddled. He looked at me with his sorrowful eyes.
"I'm sorry," he apologized, looking away. "I didn't mean to be so...."
My hands were trembling slightly as I cleared my throat.
"I won't do it again, I - "
"Maybe you should leave," I said quickly.
He looked at me, a little confused.
"But you're in my room...."
"I mean..." I looked away. "Maybe you should leave my house."
My mind was so soggy I didn't care what I said. I didn't even want to look at him after what he had just done.
He stared at me, making me uncomfortable. I gripped the edges of my torn shirt and hugged it tightly against my chest. I tried to keep my eyes on him, telling him I was serious, but I only managed with much difficulty.
When I didn't make any motion to repeal my suggestion, he shrugged.
"If that's what you want." He got off the bed and went to the closet.
"I...."
He stared at me, and my mouth instantly closed.
"Goodbye," I muttered, backing toward the door and opening it nervously.
He simply nodded in my direction.
"S-sorry," I apologized, feeling as though I had to. He sounded mad.
"I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we were friends...."
What was I to say to that?
"We are, Duo."
"Hn."
"That was just more than I wanted...."
He turned and marched over to me. His stare was cold and stabbing, everything lost behind it. It scared me. I had never seen him like this in all the time I had known him. I couldn't look away, terrified and seized at the same time.
"What about what I wanted? What I need? Isn't that important?" I couldn't tell which frightened me more - his stare or his voice.
Before I had the time to react, he had braced me against the wall with his strong grasp. He licked up the length of my neck slowly, stopping at my earlobe to suck gently. I winced and squirmed away.
He released me and snickered.
"Bye," he said sarcastically, turning from me.
I didn't wait around for him to change his mind. I was out the door and in my room within seconds.
Staring up at the ceiling and curled up on my bed, I tried to think of how Duo could do that to me. We were friends, weren't we? If he was feeling lonely, he didn't have to...to...do that to remedy himself. Why didn't he listen to me? When I was telling him to stop, it was as if he didn't care at all. He was too driven by lust to care.
I shuddered. That disgusted me. I promised myself never to become driven by lust as much as he had.
I touched my neck gently. The saliva made the skin feel cold, tight, and sticky. I tried to rub the feeling off with my hand, but it wouldn't go away. I could still feel Duo's tongue sliding up my skin.
It was nasty. But I was sickened with myself as well as Duo. Had I led Duo to think he could do that? That I might have wanted him to do that?
That was what scared me a great deal, too.... And the fact that we were both boys. The fact that he had kissed me and touched me and we were both boys. I mean, I wasn't like that...was I?
I sighed, wishing Trowa were with me. He could always help me somehow. I needed someone to talk to, but now there was no one. I wasn't too eager to share the events of Duo's room with Wufei. But Trowa would have listened wonderfully. He'd hug me and cradle me and comfort me. I loved it when he did that. He was so warm and so soft, I fell asleep in his arms most of the time. And when I woke up, he would still be there.
I understood the loneliness Duo had been talking about. I, too, wanted to hear a calm, familiar voice and feel the warmth of someone who cared. But I didn't want just anyone, and I didn't want what Duo had tried to get from me.
I decided to stop thinking and nestled under my blankets, wishing tomorrow would never come.
Dash - Part Three
I woke up the next morning feeling no better than I had the previous night. Duo was probably gone by now. What if Wufei asked where he was? I wasn't exactly enthusiastic about explaining what had occurred in his room. I didn't want him to make any false assumptions or anything....
By the time I got dressed and had come to the table, Wufei had already finished eating his pancakes. He sat with his arms folded across his chest and his back leaning against the chair. He watched me as I sat down.
I waited for him to ask.
"So, have you seen Duo lately? He's usually down here first so he can get all the food."
I looked at him dumbly. He raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to answer him.
"Uh, yeah. He left."
"Oh?" Wufei leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table's edge. "That's strange."
"Yeah. I...."
He really had a piercing gaze. It was hard not to tell him the truth.
"You...?"
"I kind of...made him leave."
He chuckled. "Seriously. Why did he leave?"
"I made him leave."
He stopped laughing and scratched his nose. "Oh. ...Okay...." He sat back on his chair. "Any reason why?" he asked.
"I don't really want to talk about it," I murmured.
"Oh. Okay. Just a fight?"
"Um...sure," I said.
"All right." He decided to leave me alone and looked away.
I let out a tense breath and grabbed for a pancake. He handed me the syrup and pushed the butter closer to me. I ate in silence, occasionally glancing up to see if he was looking at me. Most of the time he stayed concentrated on the chandelier. For reasons unknown, it bothered me how calm he was.
~
"Hey, Quatre?"
"Hm?" I sat up as soon as I heard the soft knock on my door. "Come in."
The door opened silently, and Wufei stepped through in his cat-like manner.
"Have you seen this?" He held up the newspaper.
I cocked my head. "No." My heart jumped as the thought of the Drachens releasing their prisoners passed through my head. I knew I would just be disappointed again, but I couldn't stop hoping.
"Here." He tossed it to me.
I read the headline. Then I read it again. And again. I looked up at Wufei.
"Drachens capture more in Tibithan? But...that's where we are...."
"Keep reading," he instructed.
My eyes skimmed across the words, halting immediately as they noticed a familiar name: Duo Maxwell.
"Duo's been caught?!"
Wufei crossed his arms. "Not even out for a few hours, I'll bet, and already captured. He's too loud."
I felt ill. The Drachens had caught Duo, and it was my fault. I had made him leave the safety of my house because he felt alone. Because he had lost Heero, and he needed someone..... But I felt relieved, too. That feeling of awkwardness would never haunt me if he was never around. I hung my head at the ashamed realization of my selfishness. ...It was just a little hard to help.
"We have to leave," Wufei said suddenly.
"What?"
"The Drachens are in Tibithan. We have to leave."
I set the paper down next to me and nodded. "Right."
"Be packed in an hour."
"Okay."
He left after a brief, reassuring smile.
~
I stared out the window as Wufei drove, sighing occasionally. I couldn't really help it. I felt like crap. In the back of my mind, I kept telling myself I was responsible for Duo's capture. Even if he had done what he did, I probably shouldn't have gone so far as to kick him out. I mean, I knew how he felt. He probably hadn't meant anything too bad...he was just confused. He was just confused and lonely, like I was. And yet, for some reason, I just couldn't feel that bad for him. My lack of sympathy made me feel even worse.
"Something wrong?" Wufei asked quietly.
I turned to look at him. "Oh...nothing, really."
"Are you sure? You'll probably feel better if you talk about it."
He had a point...that usually did help.
"Just thinking about Duo, I guess."
"Yes?"
"If I hadn't made him leave, he would still be safe."
"Now that's not true. He's responsible for himself."
"But if I hadn't made him leave, he wouldn't have gotten captured. He'd still be at home."
He smirked. "You sure?"
I sighed again. He noticed and kept talking.
"Well, if he did something to get you mad enough to kick him out, he deserved to be kicked out. Once on the street, he's responsible for himself."
I thought about that for a minute. "I still feel bad, though. ...Although I kind of don't."
Wufei laughed. "Don't worry about him. He can handle it."
I nodded slowly. "Are you worried about him? And the others?"
He thought for a minute. "I don't know what's going on with any of them, which concerns me a little. But I know they're all quite capable."
"What do you think might be going on with them?" I was almost afraid to hear the answer....
"I have no theories, actually. They may simply be imprisoned with no real threats. That's highly possible. The Drachens just want us out of their way. I don't think they actually want to do anything with us."
"...Yeah." I liked his answer more than the ones I had thought up. I leaned back and gazed out the window again.
"Something is still bothering you, isn't it?" Wufei asked.
"Hm?" I turned to look at him.
"There's something you're unsettled about."
"No."
He took his eyes from the road just long enough to glance at me.
I frowned. That look got me every time....
"Yes...."
He waited for me to continue.
"I don't know what it is, though," I confessed. Actually, that was mostly true, but partially false. I guess I just wasn't sure which of the many things was bothering me the most. I felt lonely. I felt scared. I felt stressed. I was worried. I was worried about Trowa and Heero and Duo - well, sort of Duo. I was worried about the Drachens, I was worried about having to run away. I was worried that maybe Wufei and I would be caught as well. We were among the few who still had their freedom, and at the rate it was going, that probably wouldn't last too long either. For some reason, the Preventers kept losing. Perhaps it was because breaking into the jails and releasing prisoners was impossible. The Drachen guards swarmed around the jails like bees around a hive.
"Don't worry too much about the Drachens," he told me. "They won't get us."
"But they already have most of the Preventers," I pointed out.
"That doesn't mean you or I should give up. Think about it. If we get captured, what would the other guys think? They might be depending on the remaining Preventers to end this whole thing."
They might be depending on us.... They might be depending on me.
"When the Drachens first started, they were extremely secretive and manipulative. That's how most leaders and Preventers were taken. But now that we know about them - what kind of people they are, we might be able to find a way to beat them, as ambitious as that may sound. We must be determined to show them justice," he continued.
I nodded. "But how?"
"Don't give up."
I looked out the window. "Aren't we giving up by running away?"
He didn't say anything for a long time. "Giving up and running away aren't exactly the same in our case. We're trying to find somewhere safe until the time comes when we can carry out justice."
I grinned.
"Did I help?" he asked, a hint of hopefulness evident in his voice.
"Yes, I think so. But there's still something...."
He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? We're becoming quite the worrywart, aren't we?"
I smiled a little, but I had become extremely frustrated with myself. What was it? What was bothering me so much? I just couldn't figure it out. Every possibility I came up with resulted in solving nothing. The harder I thought, the more it tugged at my heart.
"...I just can't figure it out," I told him at last.
"What kind of 'something wrong' is it?"
"I don't know that either."
"...Hm...."
"Have you ever felt like that?" I asked softly.
He thought for a minute. "Yes, I have, actually."
"Did you ever find out what was wrong?"
He smiled slightly, a look of nostalgia gently twinkled on his expression. Apparently his memory was a fond one....
"I was in love," he said quietly. "When I met Meiran...I felt a little like that.... Like there was something different about everything and about myself, but I couldn't figure out what it was...." He blushed a little, much to my surprise.
It was almost cute to see Wufei like that. People don't usually think he's capable of love, but hearing him talking about someone who meant so much to him was sort of...well, refreshing in a way.
He cleared his throat nervously. "But I don't suppose you're in love...are you?"
I thought about it and decided that having to think about it meant that I wasn't.
"No," I told him. "I don't think I am."
He smirked a little. "Make sure you aren't before you say 'no.' Sometimes love can be tricky like that. ...It was for me."
~
By the time we reached our destination, the sunset was a slice of flame that separated the blackness of the horizon from the darkness of the sky. Wufei instructed me to open the door and check out the old safehouse - our chosen destination - while he got our bags.
The aged, familiar scent of the house made me feel a little more at ease. Looking around, I saw that everything was still in the same place as when we left it. The only difference was that most things were covered in dust.
Wedging a stone under the door to keep it open for Wufei, I left the doorway and began re-exploring the few rooms of the safehouse. The last time I had been here was when all five of the gundam pilots had a mission together. It was towards the end of the war, and I think everyone was pretty stressed out.
Poking my head into one of the two small "bedrooms," I smiled in remembrance. Trowa and I had shared that bed once. It was a great comfort to me, and probably him as well. We had been talking about the war - how we felt about it and such - for a long time before going to sleep. It was nice to know I had a friend during that time.
I had to turn away quickly. ...I didn't have that friend now, did I? How I wished I did.
I moved to the other bedroom, but rejected it quickly. That was where Duo had usually slept. I snorted and went back to the doorway.
Wufei was dragging the bags down the hall and toward the rooms.
"Which one do you want? Right or left?"
I eyed the right room - Duo's - and cringed. "Left," I said firmly.
"Okay. Here, you can take your own bag now."
As I started unpacking, my mind drifted back to thoughts of Trowa. If only I could help him get out of the Drachens' control. ...But what could I do? It would be me against dozens of huge guards. My hope level wasn't extremely high.
Were the other Preventers really depending on me? Was I their hope? Was I Trowa's hope? If I was, I wished I could do something to fulfill that faith, however small, he might have in me. It was the least I could do for him after all the comforting and hard times he'd gotten me through. I wanted to be able to talk to him so badly. To talk to him about people, about Duo....
I touched my neck again - the place where Duo had licked me. I could still feel it, and it made me snarl in disgust. I didn't think that feeling would ever go away. It was just so...nasty. Well, if Trowa was still with me, he could probably make it go away. I don't know how, but he always made me feel better. I missed him so much.
As I finished putting the last of the contents in my suitcase away, a strange scene unexpectedly popped into my head.
Trowa had me pinned against a wall, and he was licking my neck.
My fingers immediately searched the skin of my neck to make sure it wasn't real. I couldn't believe what I had just thought.... That was crazy. He would never do that. I would never let him do that. We were friends, not oddball...lovers...or something.
I concluded that the previous night had affected my mind too much, and I just needed to relax.
Sprawling out on the bed, the air around my neck felt heavy. My mind wouldn't leave it alone. I cocked my head to cover that side of it, but it didn't help at all. At last, I touched the skin again, gently stroking it up and down.
I sat up again and realized that the feel of Duo had left me. Trowa had completely erased it, replacing it with himself.
Oh God...this wasn't happening to me....
Warnings: angst
This takes place a year or so after all the gundam pilots have decided to become Preventers.
Dash - Part One
It was springtime again. A time for love, fertility, rebirth.... A time to enjoy. The ivy was beginning to creep in thin, green curls up the sides of the house. The breeze was crisp, and it rustled through the baby leaves in the trees. The birds were singing their joyful songs, hoping to attract another to keep them company.
Spring really was quite beautiful.
But this spring was not the same. The air was prickled with something I feared and knew well. The sky was blue, but not as blue as it should be. People were moving quicker. Animals didn't have the same serenity they should. My house felt empty.
I turned from the window. Winter had come and gone, and now spring was waking up. It had been nearly four months since things had changed. Four months since the next step of the eternal waltz had taken its place. Peace had ended once again, and revolution had taken its place.
That is the reason the sky was not blue - it was tinted with the smoke of whatever the Drachens did at their camps. That is the reason the people moved faster - they were trying to escape. That is the reason the animals were not as cheerful as they normally were - they had left to live elsewhere. That is the reason the air was not the same - it was scented with hate of others. That is the reason my house felt so empty. Heero and Trowa had been captured.
Even though Duo and Wufei still stayed with me, I felt alone. The Drachens, the new group of rebels, had taken chase after the Preventers around the middle of Fall. They disliked us - no, hated us - because of our peace-promoting purpose. We became their target after they had threatened the main leaders from their positions. I don't know what kind of crazy person their leader was, but he disagreed with peace for reasons beyond my comprehension. He ordered his followers to capture all of the Preventers so we would stop our ways. So far, they've been pretty successful. It takes a mastermind to capture Trowa and even a bigger mastermind to capture Heero.
I hadn't heard too much of what goes on with the people they capture. People had silently agreed never to speak of it. I admit that I didn't want to speak of it, either. Talking about Drachen procedures to other people brought suspicions closer to reality. I couldn't bring myself to think of what the Drachens would do to Heero or Trowa.
"Trowa," I whispered to myself. I missed him so much. I wished I could see him again. I hadn't seen him for what felt like years, though it had, in reality, only been a third of one. I was worried about him. I didn't even know if he was....
I stopped myself from thinking further. He was fine. He was perfectly capable of holding off the Drachens. They wouldn't be able to do anything to him. He was smart. He could take anything they tried to do....
I looked out the window again and concentrated on the creeping ivy. It had barely reached the second row of stones. I leaned out the window to see if it was climbing anywhere else on the wall.
"Hey, Quatre!"
I nearly fell out the window.
"Whoa, sorry!" Duo apologized, seeing he'd startled me.
"That's okay," I said, regaining my balance and leaving my place at the window, taking a step toward him.
"Just wondering what's up," he said.
"Oh, just looking at the ivy."
He nodded. "...Have you read the newspaper today?"
"No. Why?" Had something important happened?
"Oh. Just wondering if...you know.... I haven't read it either. Wufei took it."
We stood, thinking. "...Wondering if something happened with the Drachens? Or with their...captives?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
"Me too. I wish I knew what was going on."
"Same. I really miss - "
He didn't finish his sentence, but he didn't have to. I knew what he meant.
"I miss Trowa," I said quietly.
We looked away from each other.
"Well, I'll go see if I can steal the paper from Wufei," he announced, placing a smile back on his face.
"Okay. Tell me if there's anything I'd like to know," I requested.
"No problem, man."
He left without any rush. I have a feeling he was afraid of what the newspaper would say. I'd avoided them since the revolution, as well. I wasn't too enthusiastic about reading articles on what had already been a major part of my life. Wars and revolutions, I mean. I was getting really tired of them.
I walked around the room in a big circle until my eyes rested on the black, odd-shaped case that held my violin. I impulsively picked it up and opened it. I hadn't played my violin for a long time. It was resting peacefully on the velvety cloth which covered the inside of the case. I picked up the bow carefully, as if it would fall apart by being handled too much. The violin came out next. I plucked a string, testing it. It was really out of tune.
I set myself on the task of tuning my old friend. I was glad to have something to preoccupy myself with. I wished I had thought of my violin sooner. I guess it hadn't really crossed my mind recently, since Trowa was gone. There was no one to play duets with, nor was there anyone to play a solo for. My music was usually something I shared only with people I felt extremely close to.
At last, I tucked the violin beneath my chin and brought the bow to its cold strings. I winced as the long-unused instrument squeaked at first contact. I ran the bow across it a few times before it started to sound right. My ears had grown somewhat unaccustomed to the notes but remembered them quickly. I began playing without any knowledge of what the song was. Only halfway through the song did I realize what I was doing.
My eyes closed as the song continued, my fingers unable to stop. The bow touched the strings gently, and the softness of the notes caused me to sway a little to the rhythm. I loved this song. I played louder as the memory relived itself in my head.
Trowa stood in the room with me, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms in a peculiar way. I played my violin for him. He was timidly watching me and paused before deciding to open the cabinet which contained a few other musical instruments. I looked up to see what he was doing. He had pulled a flute from the cabinet and was bringing it to his lips. He blew gently as his fingers danced on the keys. I smiled and continued playing my violin.
That music was the most beautiful I had ever heard. I played more fervently as I remembered Trowa's face that day - serene and peaceful.
I stopped playing abruptly and shook my head. The violin was placed back in its case.
I sat in the cushy chair by the bookcase and stared at all the books, my full concentration on skimming their titles. I didn't even want to read one, actually. I just needed something...something to do.
"Wufei says there's nothing to report."
I glanced at the doorway and saw Duo poking his head in. "Nothing at all?"
"Nope." He looked around. "Well, see you at dinner. If you need me, I'll be somewhere," he smiled.
"All right. See you later."
I watched him leave and sighed involuntarily. I wondered how Duo was doing. He always had a smile on his face, but I don't believe he really meant it. Before Heero was caught, Duo had gotten him to open up, which I'll confess is an extraordinary accomplishment. Duo must have worked pretty hard to gain his trust. The loneliness of Heero's absence wasn't something he could just ignore.
I contemplated finding Duo and talking to him, but eventually decided against it. I didn't have the energy, nor the desire, to do anything but sit. It was strange. I had never been this lethargic before. I guess my behavior had become a little bizarre in the past few months. Sometimes I would be terribly fidgety, an insomniac, and a compulsive thumb-twirler. Other times I would be tired, not wanting to move, not wanting to do anything.
I closed my eyes. The afternoon sun had fallen on the other side of the house, and the room I sat in had little light in it. The darkness felt strangely comforting. I yawned and curled up in the chair, resting my head in the corner formed by the back and the arm.
Whether I lay like that for minutes or hours was unknown to me. Sometimes minutes dragged out into days and days flew by like minutes. I was only half awake when Wufei poked my shoulder.
"Hm?" I grumbled sleepily.
"Dinner. You hungry?"
"Oh. Yeah."
He watched me for a few seconds, making sure I was actually planning on coming. I sat up to show him I was. Satisfied, he turned and left.
Only I did not follow. I watched him leave the room, walking with his feet delicately placed on the ground almost in a premeditated manner. His arms stayed by his sides and barely moved. When I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that he was very elegant. Sometimes he reminded me of a tiger. No - more like a tiger who had turned into a cat. He'd changed, as all of us had, since the end of the war and the beginning of the Preventers.
I'm not sure whether the Preventers served only the purpose of being something for Wufei to do or whether it was something deeper, but he'd gotten a lot nicer. Well, perhaps nicer isn't the word, although he Iis/I nice. He's just different somehow. He's not as solitary, I suppose. He talks to me and Duo more than he used to. If Heero and Trowa were still around, he would talk to them a lot, too....
I pried myself out of the chair and headed for the dining room. Maybe all I needed was some nice conversation. My thoughts often went off on their own. Perhaps talking to my friends would help me preoccupy myself. ...Though, for some reason, I doubted it.
My doubts proved to be correct. Dinner was silent, for the most part. Everyone was probably enveloped in their own thoughts. I knew I was, and likely Duo as well. As for Wufei...I could never really tell with him. It seemed like he was thoroughly concentrating on placing just the right amount of food on his fork before lifting it to his mouth.
When we had all finished our food, silence was still in the air. Finally, Duo yawned and stretched dramatically. Wufei eyed him and, after a second, appeared to be trying to stifle a yawn himself. He pushed his chair back and stood.
"Well, I'll be leaving you, now. There are a few things I'd like to take care of." He bowed slightly and left.
Duo stood next. "I'll be leaving, too. Headache. Need to lie down," he explained briefly and turned, his braid swishing the air as he did so.
I sat for a minute longer. Although I had eaten quite a lot, my energy was still hiding. I picked a pea off my plate and slowly brought it closer to me. I studied it carefully before resting it between my lips and eventually on my tongue. I rolled it around the top of my mouth before swallowing. I couldn't taste it. Everything, including food, had become dull to me.
Eventually, I sighed and stood. But now what should I do...?
I decided to go see Duo.
Dash - Part Two
Warning: angst, bastard/confused Duo (for some reason I love a bastard Duo ;)
I don't know why I went to see Duo, actually. It was kind of a silly thing for me to do. The reason he had left was because he had a headache, after all. People with headaches usually want some peace and quiet, not someone trying to make conversation with them.
I knocked on his door softly and received a groaned "come in" as the answer. He didn't sound too good. I felt a little guilty for having disturbed him.
When I opened the door, I noticed he was lying stomach-down on his bed, his face buried in a pillow.
"Duo?"
"Hm?"
"I was just wondering if you're okay...."
He rolled over and looked at me.
"Yeah. Just fine! Couldn't be better!" His voice told me otherwise, but his smile was hard to argue with.
"Do you want something for your headache?"
His grin faded a little. "No, it's okay."
"You're sure?" I knew I was probably bothering him, but I could tell things weren't Ireally/I okay.
"Yeah. It's just...I guess it's not my head that's bothering me the most."
"What do you mean?"
He studied his fingers. When he spoke, his voice was barely audible. "Do you think I'll ever see Heero again?"
Aha. I should have known.
I sat down beside him and smiled. "Yes. I think we'll see Heero and Trowa again. Don't worry."
I think I was saying it to reassure myself more than to reassure Duo. He wasn't convinced.
"But they've been gone for nearly four months. How can we be sure they aren't being hurt? Or that they aren't already dead?"
"...They aren't dead. They can't be."
He sighed. "I hope that's true. ...I really do miss Heero. I mean, I'd finally gotten through to him, and he had to be taken away again.... Do you know what that's like?"
I stayed silent. I remembered first meeting Trowa. He hadn't trusted me then, but it didn't take very long to gain his trust and his friendship. It felt very nice to have that from him. I remembered how I felt when Trowa had left in the Vayeate to explode. And I remembered how he had lost his memory and didn't know who I was when I came to him. It hurt. I knew what it was like for Duo to lose someone he felt close to.
"I really liked that guy." He looked up at me, his face a little sheepish. "Really."
"I know." I smiled a little. "You were both pretty happy around each other. That must have been important to you. Making Heero happy, I mean."
"Yes."
We looked at each other for a minute, not knowing what to say next.
"Just wait. I'm sure the Drachens will release them. They can't be kept prisoners Iforever/I, you know."
"I know. I just...I'm afraid to sleep. I miss having his body next to me," he said softly. "The nights are so cold without him."
"What?" I could not have heard that right....
He scooched closer to me. "The hours crawl by like centuries without being able to hear the steady breathing."
I raised an eyebrow. "You - ?"
He rested his head on my shoulder. "Mhmm..." he purred.
"Duo...."
"Yeah?" I felt his bangs tickle me as he nuzzled my neck.
"What are you doing?"
He gazed into my eyes, his own full of pain. "Please, Quatre. I can't take another night by myself."
"Duo, I ca - "
He wouldn't let me finish. My words were lost against his lips as he pushed me down with a kiss. My insides lurched. He was kissing me. He was kissing me - another guy?! For a minute I couldn't move, I was so stunned.
As soon as I found my head, I pushed him aside.
"Duo, don't," I urged him.
"I have to," he stated, quickly pinning my wrists and climbing over me.
My panic had to be visible in my eyes. What was he doing? He was on top of me - sitting on me, not letting me move. "No you don't. Think about what you're doing."
I felt his hips push down on mine, and he kissed me again, sliding his tongue along my lips. As he parted them and licked my teeth, I thrashed my head to break away. He only captured me again.
I could feel my head spinning. This wasn't happening...this couldn't be happening.... This was Duo. He had to be kidding. But he was pushing harder and harder against me. I shut my eyes as though it would also shut my senses and my mind. I knew this was wrong, but I didn't know why my body was telling me otherwise.
I tried to squirm away again, but Duo was holding me firmly.
"Duo, stop! Please!"
I felt the pressure on my wrists ease up and become nonexistent. A wave of relief passed through me. He wasn't going to do anything, after all. It was silly of me to worry.
But then I felt my shirt being ripped open.
"Duo!"
"Shh, Quatre, please just cooperate."
I cringed. Forgive me.... I clenched my fists and aimed for Duo, hoping it would buy me enough time to crawl out from under him.
It didn't work. He caught my arms and shoved them against the pillows, leaning over so his nose was only centimeters away from mine.
"Duo. Stop. Look what you're doing! You don't want me! Stop this - "
"I need it. It's driving me crazy. I wake up in the middle of the night with no one next to me. It's so cold. So empty. I hate it. I can't take it anymore. ...I can't take it.... The silence is so hard to listen to. There's no one to call out my name, no one to snuggle up to, no one...."
He spoke in confused sentences, his voice full of sadness.
"I won't make it any better. I'm not Heero. Heero is the one you want - "
"But I can't have him. I need this. I need to feel...."
He kissed me roughly on the lips before traveling down my neck. I tried to fight the tingling in my skin, but it wouldn't leave. I could feel my breaths sticking in my lungs as wet circles were traced over my chest. I hated it, but it felt so good.... I didn't know what to think. I was so confused - I knew this shouldn't be happening. It wasn't right. But Duo was my friend - he wouldn't hurt me. Why was my body was aching for his touch?
"I'm so lonely, Quatre. Please let me...."
I was lonely too.
"I need someone."
Me too.
I shook my head, whipping the thought away from my mind. I needed someone, but not Duo. Duo didn't need me, either. He didn't love me.
A moan caught me by surprise. It took a second for me to realize it came from my own mouth. What was happening to me? Why was I being so affected by Duo? By my friend? By another guy? It didn't make any sense.
"Thank you, Quatre," he whispered. "Thank you so much...."
No. Why was he thanking me? Did he think I had surrendered to him? I couldn't let him. I wouldn't let him.... I took in a deep breath.
"No! Stop it now!" I screamed, shoving all my energy sideways, trying to force him away from me.
"...?" He made a short noise of surprise as he lost his balance and slid off.
I scuttled off the bed and peered down at him, my mind a little befuddled. He looked at me with his sorrowful eyes.
"I'm sorry," he apologized, looking away. "I didn't mean to be so...."
My hands were trembling slightly as I cleared my throat.
"I won't do it again, I - "
"Maybe you should leave," I said quickly.
He looked at me, a little confused.
"But you're in my room...."
"I mean..." I looked away. "Maybe you should leave my house."
My mind was so soggy I didn't care what I said. I didn't even want to look at him after what he had just done.
He stared at me, making me uncomfortable. I gripped the edges of my torn shirt and hugged it tightly against my chest. I tried to keep my eyes on him, telling him I was serious, but I only managed with much difficulty.
When I didn't make any motion to repeal my suggestion, he shrugged.
"If that's what you want." He got off the bed and went to the closet.
"I...."
He stared at me, and my mouth instantly closed.
"Goodbye," I muttered, backing toward the door and opening it nervously.
He simply nodded in my direction.
"S-sorry," I apologized, feeling as though I had to. He sounded mad.
"I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we were friends...."
What was I to say to that?
"We are, Duo."
"Hn."
"That was just more than I wanted...."
He turned and marched over to me. His stare was cold and stabbing, everything lost behind it. It scared me. I had never seen him like this in all the time I had known him. I couldn't look away, terrified and seized at the same time.
"What about what I wanted? What I need? Isn't that important?" I couldn't tell which frightened me more - his stare or his voice.
Before I had the time to react, he had braced me against the wall with his strong grasp. He licked up the length of my neck slowly, stopping at my earlobe to suck gently. I winced and squirmed away.
He released me and snickered.
"Bye," he said sarcastically, turning from me.
I didn't wait around for him to change his mind. I was out the door and in my room within seconds.
Staring up at the ceiling and curled up on my bed, I tried to think of how Duo could do that to me. We were friends, weren't we? If he was feeling lonely, he didn't have to...to...do that to remedy himself. Why didn't he listen to me? When I was telling him to stop, it was as if he didn't care at all. He was too driven by lust to care.
I shuddered. That disgusted me. I promised myself never to become driven by lust as much as he had.
I touched my neck gently. The saliva made the skin feel cold, tight, and sticky. I tried to rub the feeling off with my hand, but it wouldn't go away. I could still feel Duo's tongue sliding up my skin.
It was nasty. But I was sickened with myself as well as Duo. Had I led Duo to think he could do that? That I might have wanted him to do that?
That was what scared me a great deal, too.... And the fact that we were both boys. The fact that he had kissed me and touched me and we were both boys. I mean, I wasn't like that...was I?
I sighed, wishing Trowa were with me. He could always help me somehow. I needed someone to talk to, but now there was no one. I wasn't too eager to share the events of Duo's room with Wufei. But Trowa would have listened wonderfully. He'd hug me and cradle me and comfort me. I loved it when he did that. He was so warm and so soft, I fell asleep in his arms most of the time. And when I woke up, he would still be there.
I understood the loneliness Duo had been talking about. I, too, wanted to hear a calm, familiar voice and feel the warmth of someone who cared. But I didn't want just anyone, and I didn't want what Duo had tried to get from me.
I decided to stop thinking and nestled under my blankets, wishing tomorrow would never come.
Dash - Part Three
I woke up the next morning feeling no better than I had the previous night. Duo was probably gone by now. What if Wufei asked where he was? I wasn't exactly enthusiastic about explaining what had occurred in his room. I didn't want him to make any false assumptions or anything....
By the time I got dressed and had come to the table, Wufei had already finished eating his pancakes. He sat with his arms folded across his chest and his back leaning against the chair. He watched me as I sat down.
I waited for him to ask.
"So, have you seen Duo lately? He's usually down here first so he can get all the food."
I looked at him dumbly. He raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to answer him.
"Uh, yeah. He left."
"Oh?" Wufei leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table's edge. "That's strange."
"Yeah. I...."
He really had a piercing gaze. It was hard not to tell him the truth.
"You...?"
"I kind of...made him leave."
He chuckled. "Seriously. Why did he leave?"
"I made him leave."
He stopped laughing and scratched his nose. "Oh. ...Okay...." He sat back on his chair. "Any reason why?" he asked.
"I don't really want to talk about it," I murmured.
"Oh. Okay. Just a fight?"
"Um...sure," I said.
"All right." He decided to leave me alone and looked away.
I let out a tense breath and grabbed for a pancake. He handed me the syrup and pushed the butter closer to me. I ate in silence, occasionally glancing up to see if he was looking at me. Most of the time he stayed concentrated on the chandelier. For reasons unknown, it bothered me how calm he was.
~
"Hey, Quatre?"
"Hm?" I sat up as soon as I heard the soft knock on my door. "Come in."
The door opened silently, and Wufei stepped through in his cat-like manner.
"Have you seen this?" He held up the newspaper.
I cocked my head. "No." My heart jumped as the thought of the Drachens releasing their prisoners passed through my head. I knew I would just be disappointed again, but I couldn't stop hoping.
"Here." He tossed it to me.
I read the headline. Then I read it again. And again. I looked up at Wufei.
"Drachens capture more in Tibithan? But...that's where we are...."
"Keep reading," he instructed.
My eyes skimmed across the words, halting immediately as they noticed a familiar name: Duo Maxwell.
"Duo's been caught?!"
Wufei crossed his arms. "Not even out for a few hours, I'll bet, and already captured. He's too loud."
I felt ill. The Drachens had caught Duo, and it was my fault. I had made him leave the safety of my house because he felt alone. Because he had lost Heero, and he needed someone..... But I felt relieved, too. That feeling of awkwardness would never haunt me if he was never around. I hung my head at the ashamed realization of my selfishness. ...It was just a little hard to help.
"We have to leave," Wufei said suddenly.
"What?"
"The Drachens are in Tibithan. We have to leave."
I set the paper down next to me and nodded. "Right."
"Be packed in an hour."
"Okay."
He left after a brief, reassuring smile.
~
I stared out the window as Wufei drove, sighing occasionally. I couldn't really help it. I felt like crap. In the back of my mind, I kept telling myself I was responsible for Duo's capture. Even if he had done what he did, I probably shouldn't have gone so far as to kick him out. I mean, I knew how he felt. He probably hadn't meant anything too bad...he was just confused. He was just confused and lonely, like I was. And yet, for some reason, I just couldn't feel that bad for him. My lack of sympathy made me feel even worse.
"Something wrong?" Wufei asked quietly.
I turned to look at him. "Oh...nothing, really."
"Are you sure? You'll probably feel better if you talk about it."
He had a point...that usually did help.
"Just thinking about Duo, I guess."
"Yes?"
"If I hadn't made him leave, he would still be safe."
"Now that's not true. He's responsible for himself."
"But if I hadn't made him leave, he wouldn't have gotten captured. He'd still be at home."
He smirked. "You sure?"
I sighed again. He noticed and kept talking.
"Well, if he did something to get you mad enough to kick him out, he deserved to be kicked out. Once on the street, he's responsible for himself."
I thought about that for a minute. "I still feel bad, though. ...Although I kind of don't."
Wufei laughed. "Don't worry about him. He can handle it."
I nodded slowly. "Are you worried about him? And the others?"
He thought for a minute. "I don't know what's going on with any of them, which concerns me a little. But I know they're all quite capable."
"What do you think might be going on with them?" I was almost afraid to hear the answer....
"I have no theories, actually. They may simply be imprisoned with no real threats. That's highly possible. The Drachens just want us out of their way. I don't think they actually want to do anything with us."
"...Yeah." I liked his answer more than the ones I had thought up. I leaned back and gazed out the window again.
"Something is still bothering you, isn't it?" Wufei asked.
"Hm?" I turned to look at him.
"There's something you're unsettled about."
"No."
He took his eyes from the road just long enough to glance at me.
I frowned. That look got me every time....
"Yes...."
He waited for me to continue.
"I don't know what it is, though," I confessed. Actually, that was mostly true, but partially false. I guess I just wasn't sure which of the many things was bothering me the most. I felt lonely. I felt scared. I felt stressed. I was worried. I was worried about Trowa and Heero and Duo - well, sort of Duo. I was worried about the Drachens, I was worried about having to run away. I was worried that maybe Wufei and I would be caught as well. We were among the few who still had their freedom, and at the rate it was going, that probably wouldn't last too long either. For some reason, the Preventers kept losing. Perhaps it was because breaking into the jails and releasing prisoners was impossible. The Drachen guards swarmed around the jails like bees around a hive.
"Don't worry too much about the Drachens," he told me. "They won't get us."
"But they already have most of the Preventers," I pointed out.
"That doesn't mean you or I should give up. Think about it. If we get captured, what would the other guys think? They might be depending on the remaining Preventers to end this whole thing."
They might be depending on us.... They might be depending on me.
"When the Drachens first started, they were extremely secretive and manipulative. That's how most leaders and Preventers were taken. But now that we know about them - what kind of people they are, we might be able to find a way to beat them, as ambitious as that may sound. We must be determined to show them justice," he continued.
I nodded. "But how?"
"Don't give up."
I looked out the window. "Aren't we giving up by running away?"
He didn't say anything for a long time. "Giving up and running away aren't exactly the same in our case. We're trying to find somewhere safe until the time comes when we can carry out justice."
I grinned.
"Did I help?" he asked, a hint of hopefulness evident in his voice.
"Yes, I think so. But there's still something...."
He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? We're becoming quite the worrywart, aren't we?"
I smiled a little, but I had become extremely frustrated with myself. What was it? What was bothering me so much? I just couldn't figure it out. Every possibility I came up with resulted in solving nothing. The harder I thought, the more it tugged at my heart.
"...I just can't figure it out," I told him at last.
"What kind of 'something wrong' is it?"
"I don't know that either."
"...Hm...."
"Have you ever felt like that?" I asked softly.
He thought for a minute. "Yes, I have, actually."
"Did you ever find out what was wrong?"
He smiled slightly, a look of nostalgia gently twinkled on his expression. Apparently his memory was a fond one....
"I was in love," he said quietly. "When I met Meiran...I felt a little like that.... Like there was something different about everything and about myself, but I couldn't figure out what it was...." He blushed a little, much to my surprise.
It was almost cute to see Wufei like that. People don't usually think he's capable of love, but hearing him talking about someone who meant so much to him was sort of...well, refreshing in a way.
He cleared his throat nervously. "But I don't suppose you're in love...are you?"
I thought about it and decided that having to think about it meant that I wasn't.
"No," I told him. "I don't think I am."
He smirked a little. "Make sure you aren't before you say 'no.' Sometimes love can be tricky like that. ...It was for me."
~
By the time we reached our destination, the sunset was a slice of flame that separated the blackness of the horizon from the darkness of the sky. Wufei instructed me to open the door and check out the old safehouse - our chosen destination - while he got our bags.
The aged, familiar scent of the house made me feel a little more at ease. Looking around, I saw that everything was still in the same place as when we left it. The only difference was that most things were covered in dust.
Wedging a stone under the door to keep it open for Wufei, I left the doorway and began re-exploring the few rooms of the safehouse. The last time I had been here was when all five of the gundam pilots had a mission together. It was towards the end of the war, and I think everyone was pretty stressed out.
Poking my head into one of the two small "bedrooms," I smiled in remembrance. Trowa and I had shared that bed once. It was a great comfort to me, and probably him as well. We had been talking about the war - how we felt about it and such - for a long time before going to sleep. It was nice to know I had a friend during that time.
I had to turn away quickly. ...I didn't have that friend now, did I? How I wished I did.
I moved to the other bedroom, but rejected it quickly. That was where Duo had usually slept. I snorted and went back to the doorway.
Wufei was dragging the bags down the hall and toward the rooms.
"Which one do you want? Right or left?"
I eyed the right room - Duo's - and cringed. "Left," I said firmly.
"Okay. Here, you can take your own bag now."
As I started unpacking, my mind drifted back to thoughts of Trowa. If only I could help him get out of the Drachens' control. ...But what could I do? It would be me against dozens of huge guards. My hope level wasn't extremely high.
Were the other Preventers really depending on me? Was I their hope? Was I Trowa's hope? If I was, I wished I could do something to fulfill that faith, however small, he might have in me. It was the least I could do for him after all the comforting and hard times he'd gotten me through. I wanted to be able to talk to him so badly. To talk to him about people, about Duo....
I touched my neck again - the place where Duo had licked me. I could still feel it, and it made me snarl in disgust. I didn't think that feeling would ever go away. It was just so...nasty. Well, if Trowa was still with me, he could probably make it go away. I don't know how, but he always made me feel better. I missed him so much.
As I finished putting the last of the contents in my suitcase away, a strange scene unexpectedly popped into my head.
Trowa had me pinned against a wall, and he was licking my neck.
My fingers immediately searched the skin of my neck to make sure it wasn't real. I couldn't believe what I had just thought.... That was crazy. He would never do that. I would never let him do that. We were friends, not oddball...lovers...or something.
I concluded that the previous night had affected my mind too much, and I just needed to relax.
Sprawling out on the bed, the air around my neck felt heavy. My mind wouldn't leave it alone. I cocked my head to cover that side of it, but it didn't help at all. At last, I touched the skin again, gently stroking it up and down.
I sat up again and realized that the feel of Duo had left me. Trowa had completely erased it, replacing it with himself.
Oh God...this wasn't happening to me....