Liv stepped out onto the terrace, a freshly lit spliff in her hand. She adjusted her bra strap, and pulled her loose fitting shirt back onto her shoulders. She stared out at the distant rooftops, arms folded around herself, wondering when everything had become so difficult.
'When you let yourself fall in love with an asshole, that's when.'
The sky was fading into deep oranges, sultry purples, and dusky blues now. Liv took a long drag from her spliff, letting the smoke dance through her nostrils and numb her body. She always used to be able to count on the weed to do its job, but now it didn't seem to be able to keep tears from filling her eyes.
Franky buttoned her shirt, and pulled her blazer back on. Her short hair looked several types of fucked up, but she raked her small fingers through it to fix the damage. She walked purposefully toward the terrace, but paused in the doorway at the sight of Liv hunched over, back facing her. Franky hesitated, but walked slowly onto the terrace, stopping a few paces behind Liv. She always tried to keep a safe distance, in case Liv decided to hit her or something like that. She was unpredictable that way. Even after all they had done, Franky still couldn't tell if Liv hated her or what.
'Or what...'
This arrangement they had was weird to say the very least. Franky chose to go with it, ignoring the fact that it felt completely wrong. And ignoring any sort of insane voice that may have been whispering any kind of approval in the back of her mind. Franky felt terribly confused. With Liv, not talking about this seemed to be the best policy, and Franky had no complaints about not having awkward discussions. But as Franky watched the ever so slight tremor run through Liv's shoulders, she felt it was time to say something. She knew why Liv was doing this, and she knew it wasn't fair to either of them, but she was helpless to make it stop and a bit afraid to be the one to try to end it. It made her feel guilty to be the source of Matty's love if it hurt Liv this much. She never wanted to come in and ruin things, but it seemed that was all she was ever able to do, didn't it? She often entertained the idea of just rejecting Matty's affections so that he would stay with Liv and make her happy, but Franky knew that she honestly did not want to do that. She wanted Matty too. She hated this feeling. Love really did seem to cause nothing but pain.
Franky took a step forward, faltering slightly. Liv knew she was there. Rolling her eyes, she raised a frustrated, ring clad hand and roughly wiped her eyes. Franky wanted to do something, but she didn't know what to do. A hug seemed grossly inappropriate, despite all the other things they had done at this point. She nervously opened her mouth to speak.
"Liv…Liv I know you don't want to. To do this."
"Shut up Franky."
Franky's lips snapped shut. She stared down at her feet. Franky knew exactly how Liv felt about her, and she realized that she'd been letting orgasms confuse her. The hatred in Liv's voice could wipe out nations of people. It was a voice she reserved only for Franky. Franky wished she could melt into the pavement. She was sure Liv wished the same thing.
But this was Franky's new start. She wasn't going to allow anymore shitstorms to take place in relation to her.
She tentatively stepped forward and placed a hand on Liv's shoulder. Liv jumped in what could only be called disgust, and shrugged the hand off. She stomped out her spliff, turned and pushed passed Franky, and headed back into the house without a word. Seconds later, Franky saw her walking down the street and out of sight.
Franky stood there, under the rapidly darkening sky. She shuffled her Creepers over the gravel on the terrace. A dull pain filled her chest.
About half an hour later, she walked home.
Liv lied in bed facing the ceiling. She picked up her phone, finding Mini's name in the contacts. That wasn't a good idea though. Mini hated Matty, and had a crush on Franky. She would just call Liv stupid and she didn't care to hear that. She threw the phone across the room and heard it crack, the battery falling out. She made no move to retrieve it. At least she wouldn't be bothered.
Many people had called Liv a slag over the years, but it wasn't until now that she actually felt like one.
'You are a slag. You're fucking a girl you don't even like, just to please a boy who no longer wants you. You can't take no for an answer. How pathetic.'
Liv felt self hate gnaw at her insides. She remembered the first time.
They were supposed to be heading to Rich and Grace's wedding, but somehow ended up in some cottage Franks led them to looking for booze. They had been high as kites and running around all day. Liv had grown tired of sharing Matty's company with Franky all day, but she endured it. Franky started doing this pixie-like dance and Matty stared at her in a way that he used to stare at Liv. Liv had wanted to hit him. To scream or cry or something. Something that would make him stop looking at Franky like that. When Matty's fingers began to dance across the piano keys, Liv felt her heart break like glass. She knew she had lost him. But an idea struck her. She took a large gulp of whiskey and set her thoughts into motion.
"Game on…master." She whispered in Matty's ear.
Liv approached Franky slowly, brushing her fingers down her arm. She brought her hands up and began to unzip Franky's dress. She felt Franky stiffen. Liv glanced over at Matty. Sure as the sun, he had stopped playing the dusty piano, and was staring at them with the most aroused look Liv had ever seen on his face. A look similar to the one he'd had when Liv and Franky had kissed during Grace's play. It warmed Liv to know that it was her who put it there.
Liv had been about to pull Franky's dress down when they heard a voice yell. They fled the place with a gun wielding old lady on their heels. None of them had spoken about what happened.
Liv felt shame fill her at the memory. She knew this wasn't fair to Franky or to herself, but Franky never actually complained, and Matty was happy, and that's what mattered. That's why she did it.
Any guilt she felt afterward didn't stop her from doing it again. And again. She felt like a whore. But people wouldn't understand if she explained. Over the past month, Matty had given her the most passionate kisses she could remember getting from him. He had showered her with gifts (stolen, but gifts nonetheless), and he had taken her on the most romantic adventures ever. It was like everything was back to normal, but even better. Liv was ashamed to admit it to herself, but she wasn't going to give that up. If she had to tolerate Franky's presence throughout a lot of their relationship, it was a sacrifice she was willing to make.
Today had been different from the day of the wedding. There were no interruptions. Liv made sure she was thoroughly fucked up before she even got to Matty's house. Apparently Franky hadn't because as soon as she sat down on the bed, she threw back a wad of molly and a large swig of vodka. They both knew what was going to happen. You could cut the awkward with a butcher knife.
Matty already had his shirt off. He made a pretense of talking about this and that. Liv, already pretty much done, made herself busy snorting a line for good measure. Franky continued to nurse the vodka.
This wasn't difficult to do in and of itself for Liv. She'd fooled around with Mini enough times, although not really going very far. And that was for giggles. This was serious. But Liv prided herself on not only being a spectacular fuck, but being open minded as well. She was willing to try almost anything, and she found that if you popped, drank, or snorted enough, things sort of flowed in their own rhythm.
Once Liv felt her dignity float away, she began to place open mouthed kisses on Matty's neck. Matty stopped trying to fill the silence and put his beer down. There was no longer a need to pretend they were there for anything else, really. Matty brought his hands up Liv's arms and pulled her shirt off. Liv turned to see Franky staring at them with rapt attention. Liv had already caught her staring at the two of them once before. She had a feeling that underneath all the drugs and liquor, Franky secretly enjoyed this. Or perhaps it was Franky's craving for physical touch and need to feel loved that did it. Either way, Franky was just queer (in every sense of the word) enough for this to work, and self-critical enough to not make it awkward. Liv knew it was selfish to use Franky's body like this. Especially when she didn't have any sort of feelings for her. The suspicion that Franky may have even slightly appreciated Liv making her feel more comfortable about sex, clawed at Liv's conscience. Liv so did not need to be Franky's introduction to this. She was the worst person for it. But this was not about Franky and it was a means to an end. They had an unspoken understanding. Somewhere along the line Liv just settled into the idea that she was a bitch and she was just going to be that way. It's what people expected anyway. And besides, yes Franky was sweet and fragile, but it wasn't like she got nothing out of it. Liv was a like a magician with her hands. Anyone with a pulse left a bedroom happy if she was in it. And Franky was getting much the same attention from Matty that Matty was giving Liv. Liv tried not to think about that aspect of the situation.
Liv pushed Franky's blazer off her shoulders. She untucked her shirt and undid the buttons one by one. Franky tried to ignore the look of lust on Liv's face. She knew it wasn't for her. Still, it had made her feel nice in the midst of the coercion. Franky never said a word throughout it. She just sat there with wide, doe-like eyes and let herself be touched. Liv used to whisper a series of "it's okay"s to get Franky to relax, and "do you like that"s to turn Matty on, but both gestures had proved unnecessary after the first couple of times.
Liv leaned in and captured Franky's lips in a vice grip, while busying her hands below. Matty shuffled around behind them and electro suddenly blared through the iPod dock on the bookshelf. He moved back over to them, and Liv could feel his arousal stabbing her in the back, and the heart.
A combination of moans, shallow breaths, and Crystal Castles established itself as the soundtrack of the afternoon.
Liv sucked in a shaky breath at the memory. She reached down into her liquor stash and uncapped the last of her Jack Daniels. She swallowed it in three gulps and looked at her bedside clock. It was 12 am. She felt like dying. There was no one she could talk to about this. She was done visiting her sister in that shithole prison, and Mini was a cunt about stuff like this. Grace was actually happy. Liv was already being selfish enough. She didn't need to bother her about this. Maude was in her room sound asleep, and as mature as she was for her age, Liv was not about to have this conversation with her twelve year old sister. Their mother was away on another bullshit, hippie retreat, and as liberal as she was, Liv didn't want to see the disappointed look or hear the saddened tone she always seemed to have when speaking to her.
She didn't know what to do, but she couldn't keep this to herself. She had to talk to someone.
She walked across the room and picked up her cracked cell phone, and stared at it for a moment. She placed the battery back inside and searched Matty's name in the contacts. She had to put an end to this.