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Esme POV

The sounds of desperation and frantic activity filled my head as I paced from the kitchen to the living room over and over again.

I knew that Carlisle and Edward were the best people to be up there, but I couldn't help but feel a need to be there too. Sometimes, very rarely, I do feel cursed, and right now was one of those times. I could hear every laboured heart beat and never mind the screams of agony, I could hear every gasp, every bone that snapped, every time Bella ground her teeth together in pain before the morphine Carlisle had given her kicked in.

I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate – ridiculous considering I had no need for oxygen and I didn't even have a breathing reflex any more.

None of the others had any idea what Bella was going through. Not a single one of them. Carlisle had seen plenty of things in his long existence but he could only guess at what Bella's frail human body was going through. I was closer than most, but even I could only partly appreciate her agony.

I didn't know who to feel more afraid for. Bella? Edward? The baby?

Oh – the baby. I felt my knees go weak and the familiar ache in my abdomen that I felt every time I thought of...him.

My perfect memory – another curse; Unbidden, my mind took me back 90 years to my own bittersweet introduction to motherhood, each image a vivid and jarring reminder of what had been.

I remember the first light tightening, the fluttering in my belly that told me events were in motion. As they got worse curling in on myself as much as I could with my hugely swollen and tight abdomen and shutting my eyes until the discomfort passed. Worse still and I remember dropping to all fours on the floor like an animal. I remember that the somewhat painful and uncomfortable tightening gradually worsening and worsening and turning into debilitating cramps that caused my feet to circle and my toes to curl of their own accord. I remember clenching my teeth so tightly that I broke two of my molars – a reminder that I have even now when every other physical sign has been wiped away by the perfection of my new body.

I remember that each time the waves of pain came they were a little bit worse – a little bit stronger – they lasted a little bit longer. I remember each time thinking that that I couldn't possibly take any more.

I remember screaming in agony and terror at what was happening to me. The doctors telling me to be quiet – that it wasn't that bad – that other patients were sleeping.

I remember feeling like my internal organs were going to burst inside of me – surely they could not take that much pressure.

I remember the bouts of sickness that plagued me throughout my labour, uncontrollable stomach cramps to accompany all the other pains in my abdomen resulting in me bringing up everything and then dry heaving when there was nothing left – the humiliation of having to be taken to the toilet unable to stand unaided, unable to clean myself.

Then came the fire – something my children would recognise from their own first thirsty breaths after their changing; although this was as if a ball of fire were forcing itself out from inside me.

I remember feeling as if my body were trying to turn itself inside out; every muscle, every tendon, every bone in my body working in unison to push out the fire, to get rid of it.

I remember thinking that I would surely be torn in half, thinking that it wasn't possible, how could I survive this? How did anyone survive this? That something wasn't right; that I was dying.

And then, after hour upon hour of sweating and sickness and pain and terror...

...it stopped.

Completely.

Only a curious feeling of emptiness remained; and then...

I remember looking down as the midwife cut the umbilical cord and slapped him on the rump – seeing red at her taking a hand to my baby. I remember him letting out a wail of indignation and surprise at his new surroundings – loud and healthy. I remember seeing him properly for the first time as she held him up to me all red and wrinkled as though his skin was too big for his body. Being handed him and thinking how hot his little body was, how tiny and how perfect his fingers and toes were; all with soft yet fully formed nails. Noticing his flawless face, a button nose, a puckered mouth, folded ear lobes; his eyes closed tight against the too bright sunlight streaming through the windows.

I remember him being taken from to be wrapped in a pale blue blanket and immediately feeling lost without him, my arms cold and heart aching to have him back.

I remember holding him in my arms and staring at him drinking him in as he opened his eyes for the first time and returned my stare with his black eyes; unfocused, but wise with knowledge as old as time.

I remember holding him to my breast and feeling him feed, feeling proud of my baby taking nourishment from me – listening to the tiny swallowing noises he made; holding him to my shoulder afterwards to wind him and it being the most natural thing in the world.

I remember his miniscule hand curling around my finger and holding so tight, so trusting; knowing that I would keep him safe and warm, that I would guard him with my life and kill before letting anything happen to him.

I remember the softness of his skin, his hair; the lines on the palm of his hand; his arms waving uncontrollably; the sweet musky smell of a newborn; the mewling noises he made as he bobbed his head searching for more food, and the out and out cry when it wasn't immediately forthcoming.

I remember thinking 'He is mine.'

I remember...I remember...

Suddenly it was too much for me to stay within earshot of the house. I had to get out. I could feel grief and anger and a whole mix of other emotions welling up inside me. I needed to shout, I needed to fight, I needed to hunt, and I needed Carlisle to hold me but knew that I was being selfish. I needed to fill the gaping hole in my heart that the noises from upstairs had once again opened up.

Knowing that Alice and Edward were far too wrapped up in events to be keeping an eye on me meant that I had an unusual amount of freedom to go without chance of being followed and right at that moment I also knew that there was nothing I could do to help Bella that the others weren't already doing.

I'm not as fast as my boys; Jasper, Emmett and definitely not Edward. Carlisle often hangs back when we're hunting to stay alongside me, but he too is much faster than I am. So it took me almost an hour an hour of running before realising where I was heading. I had run without any thought for my destination, but knowing, as I did, that I was going to have to follow my memories through to their conclusion this time, I should have realised where my subconscious would take me.

I surveyed the familiar scene as I sat with my legs dangling over the edge of the cliff steeling my mind for the barrage of emotions that I was about to unleash on it. Thinking, with a wry smile, that now – this drop was nothing. 200 feet, 500 feet, even more I guess; I could jump off it and land elegantly on my feet, albeit slightly windswept, as if I had just jumped down a step; and it would take Emmett just a couple of seconds to scramble back up it again.

Thinking of Emmett pulled my mind back to the rest of my family and I worried about what was happening back at the house while I was away. I felt, however, that the path unfolding there was already set and my continued absence would have no bearing and play no part in the final outcome.

As I thought about Bella and the pain that she was enduring I found myself wondering what would have happened if I had met Carlisle again before I was pregnant – whether I would have been in Bella's position; the frail human carrying an unknown half breed child, and he in Edward's; despairing over the pain his actions had caused and watching the one he loved fall to pieces in front of his eyes. No – it was with a mixture of pride, love and an aching heart, that I realised Carlisle would never have put me in that position. He would have condemned himself to a possibly infinite existence of abject misery before laying a hand on me while I was still human. His fear of hurting me in even the most minor of ways, still present now even though we both knew it was nigh on impossible, would have overcome any desire to be with me.

Thinking of my Carlisle; my gentle, calm and loving husband for all eternity, made me smile a sad smile. I remembered the first time I saw him after I had completed my change. Although my need for blood and the thirst that raged in the back of my throat almost drove me to distraction, I caught sight of him and everything stopped. His worried eyes filled my consciousness and the thirst ceased to bother me. Remembering the first time I saw Carlisle soon brought my train of thought back to my perfect son and the reason I had run from my family in their time of need.