Manure Strikes Again
Disclaimer: I do not own Back to the Future. If I did, then hoverboards would be real.
This is kind of a sequel to my Biff vs. Manure story, though you don't have to read that to understand this.
Knock. Knock knock. Footsteps thundered across the living room and stopped before the front door. "What butthead could be calling on me right now?" Biff Tannen muttered to himself. He yanked open the door and stood face-to-face with a balding man in a tacky looking gray suit.
"Good day, sir," said the man in an annoying, nasally voice. "Are you Mr. Biff Tannen?"
"Yes," said Biff.
"I understand that you have recently returned to your home."
"Yes," Biff said again, this time more bitterly. He had spent two and a half months in the Hill Valley Mental Institution and had finally been allowed to go home once he had stopped having horrifying nightmares about manure. Biff hated manure.
"Today is your lucky day, Mr. Tannen," said the man in the tacky suit, grinning in an equally tacky smile.
Biff looked at his watch. "Well hurry up, you're wasting my time."
The man continued to smile. "My name is Chester Chaptlip, and I have got the most amazing product for you! The Manure Protecto-Screen!"
Biff scowled. "The what?"
"The Manure Protecto-Screen! The fabulous device that will protect your car from manure!"
The frown lines disappeared from Biff's face. "D-did you say that it will protect my car from manure?" His voice had gone rather high and squeaky and he looked as if his birthday had come early.
"Yes, siree! That's what I just said! Now if you don't mind, if you step outside, I will show you this incredible product!" Mr. Chaptlip walked down the driveway and Biff followed him.
The solicitor opened up the black duffel bag he had brought with him and withdrew what appeared to be just an ordinary gray tarp, like the one Doc had always used to cover up the DeLorean. "Here it is! The amazing Manure Protecto-Screen!"
The Biff stared blankly at him. "What the hell is that thing supposed to be? It's just some tarp!"
"No, no, Mr. Tannen," said Mr. Chaptlip, smiling that tacky smile again. "Not just a tarp. Let me demonstrate." He completely unfolded the tarp and draped it over Biff's car until the vehicle was completely covered. "Take a look at that! No manure could ever harm your car with that wonderful protection on."
Biff looked at it and was actually impressed. "You're right. It would be like being surrounded by an anti-manure force-field! A manure free zone!"
"So does that mean you're buying?" Mr. Chaptlip asked hopefully.
"You bet! How much is it?"
"All you have to do is make thirty-six easy payments of $29.99," he replied cheerfully.
Biff's mouth dropped open. "Well, uh, only thirty bucks, right? That doesn't sound too bad."
"Of course not! Come on, Mr. Tannen! You know you want this!"
"You're right! I do want it!"
Mr. Chaptlip's tacky smile brightened even more. "Good. I'll get the paperwork and you can get started on ordering your very own Manure Protecto-Screen."
Once everything was taken care of, Biff was the proud owner of a Manure Protecto-Screen, and Mr. Chaptlip was going to be considerably richer. Biff didn't have the Protecto-Screen just yet, but Mr. Chaptlip promised him that it would arrive at his house in a day or two.
OoooO
The very next day, Biff happily hugged the box that sat outside his front door. That's right, he was hugging a box. George McFly drove by on his golf cart and stopped and stared at him. "Biff, what are you doing?"
Biff awkwardly took his arms off of the cardboard box. "Er... I'm not doing anything. I'm just enjoying the great outdoors." He took a deep, deep breath of air and started choking.
George raised an eyebrow. "Whatever you say, Biff." He drove away and made sure he stayed far away from Biff for a while.
Biff stopped choking and massaged his throat. "Stupid air!" He picked up the box and lugged it into the house. "All right, manure, see if you can get me now!" He opened up the box and pulled out an ordinary gray tarp, or the "Manure Protecto-Screen". He kicked the cardboard box into a corner and took the Protecto-Screen outside and draped it onto his car so that it was completely covered. "Excellent. Now it's time to try it out."
He lifted up a bit of the tarp so he could open the driver's door and got inside. The Protecto-Screen was covering up the windshield and he couldn't see a thing, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that no manure could touch his precious car.
Biff turned the key in the ignition and stepped on the gas pedal. He had been driving for about ten seconds, when there was suddenly a horrible loud crashing sound and a white object expanded and hit him in the face...
OoooO
Biff opened his eyes. He was slumped over on a strange couch, in a strange house. No, wait. It wasn't so strange. He recognized the house. It was the McFly house. But what was he doing there?
"Oh, Biff! You're awake!" Lorraine McFly appeared in the doorway of the living room.
"What the hell am I doing here?" Biff asked. "I was just in my car!"
"Well, what you're about to hear is probably going to make you upset," said Lorraine. "There was a tarp covering your car and I guess you couldn't see, and you crashed right into a big tree and the air bag exploded in your face. Luckily, George saw the whole thing and he took you out of your car and you were carried in here."
Biff was stunned. "Wha... what? My car!"
"I'm sorry, Biff, but the front of your car is completely wrecked."
"NO!" Biff stood up. Lorraine went over and pushed him back onto the couch. "No, Biff, stay there. Just calm down. Your car was taken to the repair shop and George threw that silly tarp away."
"The tarp? But that was my Manure Protecto-Screen! I paid money for that! The nerve of George to throw that away! That butthead! The replacement money is going to come out of his pocket!"
"Did I hear my name?" George wandered into the living room. He looked at the clock. "Oh! Science Fiction Theatre is going to be on in a matter of seconds! Move over, Biff!" He sat down on the couch and turned the television on.
Biff shook his head. "I'm going home!" George did not answer, as his eyes were glued to the screen and his ears were filled with the sounds of aliens and spaceships and lasers. Biff got up and ran out of the house and went back to his own home. There was no car and no Manure Protecto-Screen.
"I hate my life," Biff muttered. "Oh well. At least my car was protected from manure!"
Even though it was manure-free, the auto repair shop was not able to fix Biff's car and so Biff rode around on a pink tricycle instead. George watched science fiction television shows so much that his eyes were damaged and he had to get new glasses. As for Chester Chaptlip, he was beat up by a mob of angry Girl Scouts because he had tried to sell them fake cookies.
The moral of the story: Do not trust solicitors.
The end.
I came up with the last name Chaptlip because there was a stick of lip balm on my desk and it made me of "chapped lip", which turned into Chaptlip. It's amazing how inspiration can come from random objects.
This isn't nearly as good as Biff vs. Manure, but please review anyway. Come on, just press the button and type in anything. It's not too hard.