A/N: This was a request from the kinkmeme. The prompt asked for Shepard to discover the song Surfin' Bird from the Family Guy episode and relentlessly torture the crew with it. Enjoy!
"Tali. Tali. Tali. Tali. Tali. Tali. Tali. Tali. Tali."
"WHAT?!" yelled the Quarian as she turned to face the Commander.
He had been standing there for five minutes calmly saying her name over and over again. She knew what would follow and refused to give in. Much to his dismay, she held out for longer than Adams had. But eventually, he broke her, like he breaks everyone.
"Did you know..."
"Yes, I fucking know!" she said as she fumed through her mask. She didn't usually use such strong language, but ever since he found that stupid recording in Jenkins' things, he was worse than anyone could have imagined.
"...That the bird is the word?!" he continued without caring about her answer. "Joker, hit it!" he ordered the pilot over the comms. Without hesitation, "Surfin' Bird" echoed throughout the entire ship.
Joker had refused to play it the first time, but Shepard picked him up by his collar and "politely" requested that he reconsider. Ever since, the song had played immediately after his command.
This had to be the thousandth time it rang through everyone's speakers. They tried to turn them off, to sabotage them, but Shepard was good. He'd catch them and force another twelve rounds into their eardrums until they were close to bleeding.
"Bosh'tet," muttered Tali as Shepard strolled back down the corridor to the storage area.
"Nice try, Tali," said Joker. "I thought you had him there for a minute."
"I'd threaten to cut out his vocal cords, but he'd just play it through his omni-tool or the comms system. Or hack my noise suppressing software and install it into my suit again."
"He seems to be slowing down. I've only played it twice today," Joker added.
When the song was first uploaded to the ship's computers, Shepard had played the thing around the clock for ten days straight. The only reprieve offered was a five minute window in which he wanted some quiet time to talk to
Kaidan.
At first, Garrus thought it was some sort of punishment designed for Turians after the First Contact War. That was until he realized that Shepard used it to inflict said punishment on everyone aboard. "Damn Humans and their songs about birds!"
Liara used it as a case study for Humans. She was interested in why Shepard was so obsessed with it. Turns out, he was just an evil bastard who liked pissing people off. Dr. Chakwas had started to run when he approached.
Ashley was too busy trying to get into Shepard's bed to let it get to her. After she blew up on Virmire, he sang it at her funeral. "It's what she would have wanted," he explained.
Wrex was the only one who seemed to like it. It wasn't the song itself but the way Shepard used it that appealed to him. He saw it as a form of torture and thought about implementing it when he returned to Tuchanka.
"B-b-b bird, bird, bird, b-bird is the word!" he would sing as he strutted down the halls. When the crew heard that sound they hightailed it into hiding. Some of them anonymously complained to Anderson, but it just made him play it louder. He turned up the base and drowned out their complaints.
When Shepard woke up from his death-induced coma, the first thing out of his mouth was, "Papa, ooo, maow, maow."
"What the fuck is that?" thought Miranda to herself before helping him escape the Lazarus base. Things like that weren't in his file and she was slightly confused. Later when he blasted that song three times a day, she often regretted bringing him back.
It took him weeks to get his hands on another copy of the file, but once he did, he introduced his new crew to the wrath of "Surfin' Birds." He had to pay some ugly Batarian two thousand credits for it. He thought it was a hefty price, but it was worth it.
Like a smart ass, Donnelly asked him to translate it into Scottish. Instead, Shepard filtered the song through engineering for his entire shift for weeks. Daniels refused to talk to him during that time, because she was mad she had to suffer through it too.
"Thanks a lot, Kenneth," she bellowed over the music.
On Freedom's Progress, Tali knew he was there before seeing him. He started in on his favorite verse, "A well a everybody's heard about the bird," and she flat out refused to come aboard.
Garrus seriously considered not rejoining them either, but Shepard promised he wouldn't play it anymore. He lied of course and as soon as they were out of Omega's orbit, he blared it through the ship. He cursed himself and Shepard from the Main Battery.
Grunt woke up with an imprint of the song on his brain. "Papa, mmmmm, mmm, mmm. What's a bird?" was the first thing out of his mouth. "Can I eat it?"
Mordin, being a fan of musical theater, quite enjoyed exploring the genre of Human songs. The first few times. After that, he threatened Shepard with his own personal genophage and he quickly cut off the lab from anymore repeats.
He wasn't as relentless this time around. Joker thought he was going soft, because he didn't punish the whole crew for small mistakes. Then Horizon hit and another five whole days went by with the blasted song barking through every crevice of the Normandy.
"Shepard, I have noticed that the crew shows signs of distress every time you ask Joker to play that tune you like. I suggest, for morale's sake, that you limit the number of times you play it a day," said EDI.
"I only played it four times yesterday! That's not nearly enough! You're probably just confused about Human behavior when it comes to music. It's different," he convinced her.
"Very well, Shepard. But maybe it would not hurt to add some variety," she suggested.
On Illium, the team stopped by to visit Liara. He introduced himself to her secretary as Mr. The Bird. She refused to see him, but he broke down the door anyway. Upon returning to the Normandy, Thane begged whatever god he believed in to take his life sooner than the disease riddling his body.
Samara threatened to go all Justiciar Bitch on his ass. She said she was going to: "Throw him to the mercy of her Ardak-Yakshi daughter before fulfilling her duty to her code." He briefly considered her offer until he found out her power would most likely kill him.
Garrus had managed to finally talk Tali into coming back aboard when they hit Haestrom. He promised her lots of sound dampening software. He had a contact through the Shadow Broker who hooked him up.
Shepard made Legion upload it to the Geth consensus. Several units self-destructed in response. Something was devilishly corrupt in the data. When they destroyed the heretics, that was the last data pack they received before their death.
When he serenaded Morinth, she shoved so much Halix down his throat that he almost overdosed. When he serenaded Oriana, Miranda pushed him off the shuttle platform with her ass. When he serenaded Sidonis, Garrus put him out of his misery quickly with a bullet.
When he serenaded Jack, she broke his arm. But he got even with her when she lost a bet over whether or not Thane's son had enough Drell balls to be an assassin. Her punishment was a bird with Shepard's face tattooed on her ass.
On Tuchanka, he took down a giant thresher maw with his words. He ran around screaming "BIRD!" and it finally just laid down and died. Grunt wasn't too happy. It was HIS right of passage and he didn't get much action.
For some reason, Tali always got the brunt of it, though. She was summoned back to the fleet to stand trial for treason. Unfortunately, her only representation was Shepard.
"I am Commander Shepard and I represent Ms. Tali vas Birdy," he said.
"Vas Normandy!" she corrected with the Quarian equivalent of Krogan bloodrage.
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!," he screamed at her. Turning back to the tribunal he continued, "Look Birds, these bogus charges are as ridiculous as someone whose never heard the word."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" asked Admiral Raan.
"What's the word?" ask someone in the audience.
"It's nothing. Please, don't pay any attention to him. He's a little off today," she explained to the court. "I think it's the medication he's on," Tali pleaded. But it was too late.
"The bird is the word! B-b-b bird, bird, bird. Bird is the words. Hmmm hmm hmm hmmm hmmm hmmm. Surfin' Bird!" he shouted as he mimed being on a surfboard.
"Is this some kind of a joke?" asked Admiral Gerrel unamused.
"We've had enough. I'm sorry, Tali, but you are hereby exiled from the fleet," said Admiral Raan after a short recess.
"You son-of-a-bitch!" yelled Garrus as he ran after a very upset Tali.
"That's son-of-a-bird to you!"
When the ship was taken over by the collectors, Joker was a bit too happy that they destroyed the memory bank it was stored on. Shepard vowed to replaced it once they returned from the Omega Relay.
Many people aboard were a little sad he made it back from the suicide run, because the first thing he did was sing his own acoustic version over the comms system. His voice wasn't that bad, actually. It was better than his dancing anyway.
During his six months in lockup after destroying the Alpha Relay, he created an elaborate dance to go along with it. It literally blinded those who witnessed it. The dance was similar to the chicken dance only ten times as annoying. Especially so when it was accompanied by the song.
James was this close to poisoning his food, before the Reapers hit. Every time he opened the damn door, there he was singing "Surfin' Bird". And "Everybody knows!" that Hackett was close to paying him to do so.
On their way to Mars, Kaidan melted when he heard "the word". When he was unconscious, it's what pulled him through. He had to hear that annoying song at least one more time before he let go for good. He regretted that immediately upon rejoining the Normandy.
Shepard celebrated his victory against the Cerberus plot with two days of constant buh buh buh's. He couldn't wait to torture Lieutenant Bastard Kai Leng with a very special rendition ending in a loud crescendo and an omni-blade through his head.
He taught the song to his Clone and they joined in on a harmonizing round before the Clone jumped off the Normandy to his death. He was unable to cope any longer knowing the song was rattling around in his brain. Brooks quickly followed suit.
He ordered everyone to Anderson's apartment for a party. They figured it was just another one of his evil plans to lock them in an enclosed space and blast them with the sound until they begged for mercy. But they went anyway.
Much to their surprise, he actually threw a decent party. Until the end. He did manage to lock them in a room and play it on repeat, but only long enough for him to have his way with Kaidan.
The Illusive Man tried to help the Reapers indoctrinate him, but he turned the gun on himself when Shepard started in. He got to the chorus and BANG. Anderson begged him to "Shut the hell up!" with his last dying breath, but he refused.
When he got to the star-brat, he sang so loud he was hoarse for a week. His silence was heavenly. The Crucible initiated self-destruct upon him starting again for the fifteenth time. It grew frustrated and thought that it was the only logical choice to make the torture stop.
Months after the end of the invasion, Kaidan and Shepard were planning a very special celebration. It would be the first time everyone would be back together again since the war. No one was overly thrilled to go, but they r.s.v. anyway for Kaidan. After dinner one evening, the two began discussing possible music choices.
"Oh come on, Kaidan. You know I love that song! It reminds me of the minute I fell in love with you. Remember? It was the instant our hands brushed against each other's when we both reached in the pockets of Jenkins' dead corpse and pulled out the memory card it was on."
"Was that supposed to be romantic? Cause it wasn't," he replied dryly.
"Please let that be our first dance!"
"So let me get this straight. You want our first dance at our wedding to be 'Surfin' Bird'? Because if that's correct, it's gonna cost you."
"You've seen my bank account. You know I'm good for it."
"That's, uh, not what I meant," he said with a smirk.
"Well, in that case, I think I have some credits in my pants somewhere. But first...Music on: 'Surfin' Bird'."