What Not to Do At a Stoplight,
By SpongeBob SquarePants
The
Feeding your snail is something not to do at a stoplight! And... making a sandwich! And lighting candles, and drinking water, and calling your friends, and karate-chopping the TV, and shootin' the breeze with the mailman, and falling asleep, and lighting your house on fire, and doing calisthenics, and staring out the window, and daydreaming about getting your driver's license, and chasing your pants out the door, and spending three hours cleaning your kitchen, and scooting around in your chair, and playing Marco Polo with your best friend, and running around your house in a panicked frenzy, and pacing the floor, and making a montage of calligraphing the word, The! And choosing your best friends as a distraction so that you don't have to write your essay! And watching a Realistic Fish Head on the news, and choking on eraser shavings, and checking to see what time it is, and talking to your armchair, and talking to your pet snail, and cleaning things in your garbage, and making crème brûlée, and making choco-flavored algae bits, and doing your dishes, and internally debating over bread, and accidently stepping in snail food, and looking inside your refrigerator, and thinking about your friends at ten o' clock at night, and having nightmares about your essay, and taking unnecessary breaks in between writing your essay, and bothering your next-door neighbor, Squidward, and watching your friends outside, and discussing dream content over the phone, and thinking about your best friend, Sandy, and blowing bubbles, and thinking about work, and flipping Krabby Patties, and watching TV, and hanging around your best friend, and giving your classmates a friendly reminder that the teacher gave us an assignment, and labeling your pencils accordingly to their tasks, and staring at the clock, and disrupting the classroom, and wondering if you shut off the stove at home, and saving the class pet, Rodger, and doing extra credit about what you learned in Boating School, and chasing around jellyfish at Jellyfish Fields, and laughing about it with your best friend, and selling chocolate bars to people, and performing bubble-blowing lesson techniques, and conducting a band for the Bikini Bottom Bubble Bowl, and tryin' to pass off a lousy burger stand as a five-star restaurant to impress your best friend's rival from high school band class, and being the Hall Monitor, and huntin' down maniacs with your best friend, and hiding in mailboxes, and eating ice cream, and taking your boss' daughter to her prom, and throwing hot dogs in her friend's hair, and singing around the campfire with your friends, and getting attacked by sea bears, and playing in boxes with your imagination, and tryin' to get your next-door neighbor to eat Krabby Patties, and taking care of him in your house while he's out of work and doesn't' become a football-playing-king-in-space, and rippin' off all of your friend's fur while she's hibernating, and arguing with your best friend that you're Dirty Dan, and running away from the school bully because he's going to kick your butt, and obsessing over Kevin the Sea Cucumber, and hanging out with the Jelly Spotters, and making jokes about ripping your pants, and asking your next-door neighbor if he's finished those errands, and messin' around with the piece of paper that he threw away and gave to you, and delivering a pizza with him, and dancin' around with jellyfish to techno music for twelve hours, and going to the moon in your best friend's rocket, and getting fake muscles to impress everyone on the beach, and being assertively nice to everyone on the beach, and playin' volleyball, and blowing reefs off your lawn with a reef blower, and firing your boss' daughter to live a better social life, and making sah-lads, and tyin' your shoes, and making ketchup-onion-peanut sundaes, and yelling up on your roof that you're ugly and you're proud, and lying about being a lifeguard, and having snowball fights with your best friends, and adopting a stray seahorse, and nearly killing the health inspector, and inventing pretty-colored patties, and believing that your boss is a robot, and interrogating his blender, and going on strike with your co-workers...
In conclusion, out off all of these things that I've learned what you're not supposed to do at a stoplight, is the most important one of all! Procrastinating on your essay on What Not to Do at a Stoplight. I hope you have found this essay informative, Mrs. Puff!
—SpongeBob SquarePants.
P.S. Am I one step closer to my driver's license? :)