rating: T
trigger warning: mention of suicidal ideations, mention of mental illness
summary:
Emma Vale is a patient in a mental asylum. She knows she isn't insane, she knows that this isn't her real life. She is Emma Swan, product of True Love, mother of Henry Mills, the Savior and happily married to - well, that she doesn't know exactly. What she knows is that she has to find a way to go back home. Maybe a male patient named Killian Tiesa is able to help her find a way?
author's note:
This whole idea popped up in my head a while ago when I saw some pictures on TUMBLR of Emma/Killian in a mental asylum after they aired 6x21 / 6x22 - I nearly forgot about this story until I decided to be a part of the CSLB2017/18
I have to say a huge thank you to Hannah ( hookedonapirate), she not only is my beta reader for this story, she is always my biggest supporter, my cheerleader, the one who brings me back on track and keeps me sane ( ;) ) - this story wouldn't be what it is without her constant help and her encouraging words and patience with me
Check out the amazing gif set from sailingcaptainswan on TUMBLR!
I am very excited and can't wait to hear what you think about the story. Some things I want you to know before you start reading: I will mention some things of season 7 but this whole story (except a very small part) is set in an AU → the name Vale means "lie" in Estonian and the name Tiesa means "truth" in Lithuanian
It was a typical Thursday; group sessions at the main house with the men's ward and Dr. Atkins. Emma was looking around, studying the other's faces. Seventeen men and women, including her, were sitting in a huge circle, some looking bored, some curious or nervous and some only there because it was part of the program itself.
Emma knew all of them, after nearly half a year there, she knew the people, knew their behaviour, their tales and their problems. Most of them were completely insane, some were only there because they thought they could change and a handful were there because they had to be there - like herself. She wasn't there by her own choice. No, her husband brought her there because she started to tell everyone that she wasn't his wife. She started to tell everyone that this life wasn't real, and that someone casted a curse or made them all forget by any other kind of magic.
However, she knew she was right. She knew this was all a lie. Nobody believed her. Nobody believed that she was the daughter of Prince Charming and Snow White, that she was the product of True Love, that she was the Saviour and that she had a son and a family somewhere else.
It was devastating. Over the last six months, she tried everything to convince at least one of her doctors that she wasn't insane, but no one believed her. On several occasions, she thought about killing herself to prove that she would wake up in her reality again, but something was holding her back; maybe the fear of not waking up in her reality again or the fear of ending everything. You never know the effects a single action can have. It's the butterfly effect – a butterfly lifts its wings in America, and a hurricane is started in Japan. No, Emma couldn't risk that, for sure.
Now, she had to find another way to go back, and if fighting against it didn't help, maybe fighting with it did. She decided to play along, to take her drugs (or not), to talk to her doctors, to admit that she had gone nuts, maybe as an aftereffect of her motherhood or problems in her marriage. Emma Swan was a fighter – but in this reality, Emma Vale was just a crazy person who had to find a way to end this craziness.
"Emma, what about you? You are unusually quiet today." Dr. Atkins looked at her expectantly. "Nothing to share with us today? No complaining? No colorful new story of your 'other life' this time?"
Emma slowly shook her head while sensing some eyes on her. "No, doctor Atkins, I think," she took a deep breath, looking up, "I think I've had enough of fighting the truth. I want to be healthy again, go back to my family and live my life again."
Dr. Atkins raised her brows. "Alright, that's – that's unexpected but that's wonderful, Emma. Congratulation. Acceptance is the first step to recovery." She got up and clapped her hands, encouraging the others to do the same.
Emma blushed and looked around when she suddenly met the gaze of Killian Tiesa, a very quiet patient of the men's ward. He watched her closely as his eyes narrowed. He looked at her as if he knew exactly what was going on. He didn't rise or clap his hands, he only stared at her. Emma was drawn to him and his deep blue eyes. He pulled her in like the open water itself, something Emma should be afraid of, but instead found it calming. She didn't smile at him, only gawked back. Their eyes were telling each other a long story – a story Emma suddenly was very interested in. She saw something familiar in them, something she hadn't seen in a while now.
She wanted to do something, maybe signalise him to meet her afterwards, when suddenly Dr. Atkins went on with her session.
Emma briefly looked at the doctor but quickly searched for Killian's eyes again. He on the other hand was now focused on the doctor, not once looking at her again throughout the whole session. Even afterwards, Emma was not able to talk to him or at least catch up with him. Too quickly for her liking, had he left the main house, hurrying back to the men's ward.
Emma sighed and went to her room. She now had no one to share it with, as her roommate had been released two and a half weeks ago, and it seemed that no one new would arrive anytime soon.
Dragons – light – portals – woods – Snow White in her glass coffin – Prince Charming kissing his wife – all eyes on Emma – a family group hug. "We love you, Princess. We miss you. Your husband misses you. Please come back to us."
Emma woke suddenly, sitting up and panting for air. Every night, she had a similar dream. Every night, she had no real rest, just fragments of battles and adventures in her head, involving everything from long ago that was still so familiar, yet so foreign. Every time, she saw the same people–her parents, Snow White and Prince Charming, or her son, Henry, or her husband – such madness, Emma thought, shaking her head vigorously. But she never heard anyone addressing him or calling after him – he was a nameless, faceless man, but he felt like her safe haven, her anchor and her whole world. The thought of having a family somewhere who were waiting for her return, or maybe fighting for her, was very calming. She had to end this madness. Far too long she fought it, but now she had to give in - to escape.
Looking at her alarm clock, she saw that it was quarter past five. She dressed in tight leggings and a tank top, draping a hoodie over her shoulder. walking to the nurse's room and asking for permission to head outside. If she were lucky enough, she'd find Hattie there.
Yes!
"Well, my dear. You know, you have to be back at half past six, seven at the latest. You need to wear your wristband and, please, Emma, don't try anything stupid. I don't want them to regrade you or degrade your liberties." Hattie looked at her sternly, sometimes the old lady reminded her of Granny – the owner of the diner in her dreams, in her other life, the real life, the life she wanted to get back to – although Hattie was black and no she-wolf, to Emma's knowledge, at least.
Smiling, she nodded and thanked the woman before she headed outside, inhaling the cold, clear morning air. She headed towards the park, passing the men's ward on her way and thinking about Killian the very same moment she saw someone behind a window. She shook her head, not wanting to think about him anymore. She needed to focus – focus on her rehab, her mission (or how Henry would say, operation). Emma smiled again, thinking of a fitting name when she suddenly felt a presence next to her. She looked up, a smile forming on her face.
"Good morning," she mumbled, looking straight ahead again.
"Good morning to you too, love. I hope you don't mind some company?"
Emma looked at him again without stopping. She slowly shook her head before she suddenly started to sprint. "When you think you can keep pace with me!"
A low growl escaped Killian's throat before he ran after her, making Emma squeal in delight. She wondered, in this very moment, how easy it was to be with this man she hardly knew. He was no one she knew from Storybrooke or her real life. No, he was just Killian Tiesa, a man who had to deal with the loss of his brother and his fiancé and the near loss of his left hand - the thick scar around his wrist the only visible evidence.
Before Emma knew what happened, Killian was at her side again. "Oh, come on, Vale, I think you can do better than that."
Emma was panting heavily; all of the thinking and running slowed her down and made her short of breath. "Give me some time and I will show you what I am capable of." He wiggled his eyebrows, slowing his pace until they fell into a comfortable rhythm. "That I am quite sure about," Killian mumbled, one last time looking at Emma.
They didn't talk or try to intrude into the other's personal space. The only thing Killian did from time to time was glance at her, making sure she was alright.
Emma smiled at him, and when they crossed the small pond, she suddenly grabbed his hand boldly, tugging him with her.
"Emma, what-?" he asked, but was stopped by a branch, which flung directly into his face. After a few metres, Emma finally stopped; they now were surrounded by green scenery, a large tortured willow closing in on them. If you didn't know that this place existed, you would definitely miss it.
"Bloody hell, that's wonderful."
Emma stopped with her hands on her knees, breathing in and out a few times to steady her racing heart. "I know, I found it by mistake one day. I doubt that anyone else knows about it."
Killian walked to the water and the reed, the tip of his toes dipping into the muddy shore. He turned so abruptly, Emma nearly fell down because she was now standing extremely close behind him. He reached out, stabilising her quickly. "Apologies, Emma."
Emma only smiled at him, shaking her head to assure him that she was okay.
"Why did you bring me here?"
The smile on Emma's face disappeared in an instant. She stepped out of his embrace, crossing her arms in front of her; a protective gesture to shield herself from too much damage. "I wanted to talk to you. Alone."
"Is that so?" Killian asked and stepped closer with one eyebrow raised. Normally Emma would flee because she felt too uncomfortable to be near a man she hardly knew - a man who was definitely stronger than her, and able to harm her if he wanted to - but she knew Killian didn't want to hurt her or harm her in any way. She was sure of it, although she wasn't certain why she was sure – pure madness, perhaps?
"Yes, I need to know something," Emma continued, not giving into his charm.
"So, Emma, what is it you want to know?" He didn't come closer, he only eyed her in surprise; he was irritated, but not in a bad way. He seemed to be interested, maybe even curious as to what she would say next.
"Yesterday, at the group session... why-" Emma asked, but Killian only huffed in annoyance, exhaling sharply.
"You want to know why I didn't congratulate you on your change in behavior... your change in thinking? I can tell you the reason, Emma, but you will not like it." Now he swayed towards her, staring into her eyes until he was a hairbreadth from her. "I didn't congratulate you because I didn't believe you. I know you; you are like an open book to me. I don't know why, I don't know how, but I can read you as if I've known you a long time. You, Emma, are a liar, someone who gave up on purpose. They tried to break you, and you gave in." He ran a hand through his already rumpled hair. "I just don't know why."
He walked away again, and Emma was suddenly thankful for the space between them; it had been impossible to breathe with him standing so close, his musky scent surrounding her and his deep voice making her belly tighten (in such a good way, she was shocked). "Emma."
She looked up, finding his soft blue eyes piercing hers.
"Emma, you are such a strong lass, why are you allowing them to change you? To break you? You are not insane. Dolly, or whatever her name is, is insane; come on, she talks to herself the whole day, forgets things constantly and believes she is a fish, and that we are all swimming in the bloody ocean. That's insanity - but you, you are not insane."
"I know, but I have to get back home. I need to leave this place, and return to my son, parents and my husband. This isn't my life here, and I tried to fight against it, but I wasn't able to win. So, now I'm trying a new tactic."
"By giving up?" he nearly yelled at her, making her flinch so unmistakably, he stepped back, shocked and apologetic.
"No," Emma shook her head, trying to convince him, "no, I am not giving up. Look, I-" god how shall I explain? She rubbed her forehead with her right hand, contemplating where to start.
"How about you start from the beginning?" Killian came closer, looking behind her and finding the perfect spot to talk. "Come, Emma." He climbed up the tree, to the first thick branch where both of them were able to sit in a comfortable way. He helped her up, their feet hanging down as Emma leaned against the trunk. Killian was positioned right in front of her, waiting for an explanation.
"Look, Killian, I- I don't even know why I am telling you all of this. You now know me since I came here about half a year ago, and you never showed much interest, but you also never judged me. You were just there, but yesterday I saw something in your eyes, something I haven't seen in a very long time."
Killian only watched her, never interrupting her or questioning her, only listening intently, and Emma was thankful for that. It wasn't like talking to her doctors, who scribbled down every little detail and comment. No, Killian only listened, and was there for her.
Emma knew she had to test the waters with him, first. Too much damage would be done from opening up immediately. She needed an ally, a friend - someone to talk with, and someone to turn to whenever she needed an open ear or a shoulder to lean on, and Killian seemed to be this very person.
"You know that I don't belong here, don't you?" she quietly asked, biting her lower lip while waiting for an answer.
"Well, I've told you before that I don't think you are just like that Dolly person-" he started to say, but suddenly got interrupted by Emma.
"Her name is Dorie. I think she believes she is that blue, yellow fish of the Disney film 'Finding Nemo', or the sequel - but I haven't seen this one yet, so I am not sure about that."
Killian started to chuckle now, dragging Emma with him until both of their laughters filled the early morning air. "Okay, you see, Emma, that's insane. "You, on the other hand, just have quite the phantasy."
Emma stopped immediately, her face going blank as she only stared at Killian, shocked and hurt. "This isn't just in my head, Killian," she said quietly. "Every night, I wake because of another dream of my other life, my real life. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true."
"So you really think you are the daughter of Prince Charming and Snow White?" Killian's question did not sound arrogant or judgemental, it was just unexpected.
"No. I know that I am the product of true love, that I am their daughter."
"But you will not start singing about it, right?"
"No," Emma started to laugh again, "no, silly-head. We are not in a Disney movie and I am not a typical princess from the books. Please, don't believe everything you read or see, regarding fairytale characters." When she saw his raised eyebrows, she shook her head again. "Anyhow, I know I am in an alternative universe or another realm, or maybe I am cursed (again). I'm not sure, I just know that fighting didn't help me. Now I'm trying to play along, and hopefully be able to return home as soon as I leave this clinic."
"And what if you're not?"
Emma was taken aback again, his simple question making her speechless. Before she was able to answer, Killian's wristwatch started to beep, and a second later, Emma's did as well.
"Time's up, love. We need to get back to our wards."
Emma nodded, watching Killian climb down the tree without any problems. He then waited for her, helping her down.
"Killian," Emma called to him, stopping him from walking away. "Do you believe me?"
"I have to be honest, Emma, I don't know. I wish I could, but you have to admit, it seems very fantastical to me."
Emma sighed, but suddenly felt his finger under her chin as he lifted it until their eyes met again. "Meet me here again tomorrow, same time. Tell me more about all of this."
Emma's eyes lit up, her smile as bright as the rising sun. "Okay. Let's meet together tomorrow. Thank you, Killian."
"What for?"
"For not giving up on me." She took his injured hand, squeezing it lightly before guiding him back to the trail and leaving him with a giggle. "See you tomorrow, Killian."
"Aye," Killian smiled looking at her before dashing off into the direction of his ward.
The next few days went by like a blur. Killian and Emma met every morning, sharing stories about their past lives and listening to one another.
Emma was still unsure of why she had started this, but her doctors - who didn't know about her secret meetings with Killian - were more than impressed with her progress over the last few days. She and Killian decided what to tell them in Emma's sessions, and Emma also brought the pills down so no one would be able to find them in her room. She would never take them because she knew she was not ill. Killian traded them at the men's ward, gathering money or cigarettes which Emma was able to trade again at the women's ward.
It was fun and it was necessary. Information was the most valuable good in this institution, and having something to trade for information was the best thing that could happen right now.
"So, your family is coming today?"
Emma shuddered; just thinking about it made her feel bad. She watched Killian peel an apple, slicing it with a traded knife. He offered her a slice but she refused, not being able to think about eating. It was one thing lying to the doctors, but a whole other one lying to a husband and daughter she knew weren't hers. She had to think back to their previous visits, to one in particular. It was about three months ago, but she still was able to see the fear in the little girl's eyes and Emma still felt nothing. She didn't want to hurt the girl - no matter if it was her girl or not. A child involved meant pain - on one side or another.
"Vale?" Killian's soft voice brought her back.
"Sorry, I was thinking about one of their last visits." She looked at him in regret, starting to play with the hood of her sweatshirt, that was lying across her lap.
"Tell me about it," Killian mumbled as he munched on his apple, enjoying the freshness. Emma followed the trail of fruit juices dribbling down his stubbled chin. An urge to clean it up, maybe kiss it away, crossed her mind, but she only closed her eyes briefly, before looking back into his ocean blue ones, taking a deep breath and starting to speak.
"I hate when they come visit me. It's always the same; I feel absolutely nothing, and still it bothers me to see the girl hurting."
"It's always the same with kids involved," Killian replied, making Emma's open and close her mouth several times. However she composed herself quickly before she went on.
"It was one of those days, you know..."
"Emma, look who is here; Julia and Seth," one of the younger and more enthusiastic nurses told her while she was sitting at a table near the window, solving a puzzle all on her own.
"I don't want to see them. They say they are my family but they are not. I don't know these people. I don't know why they always come here even though I don't want them to visit me." She didn't even look up, only placed down one puzzle piece after another.
"But Emma, they are your husband and daughter. They miss you and they want to see you."
Emma rose, turning around to stare at the eight-year-old brown haired girl with hazel eyes and a shy smile. The young girl was standing next to a tall, dark-haired man, who was clothed in a tight suit and a dark grey trench coat and holding the girl's hand as he stared at Emma, bewildered.
"Honey, it's me, Seth. Don't you recognise me? Julia is missing you - I am missing you." The voice of this man made Emma nearly gag. He reminded her, not only of Walsh, but also of someone she couldn't place right now - maybe someone she had seen on tv.
Emma shook her head, unwilling to listen to him. "I don't know you, or why you keep pretending that you are my husband. I am not your wife and I am not the mother of this girl."
The girl started to cry, but Emma didn't even flinch. She shook her head, staring at the two, annoyed.
"Please go, I don't want to see you."
"Honey, please. Julia drew you a picture. She wants you to get better so we can be a family again. Please-" the man started to plead, but it only made Emma furious. She didn't need these people, she only longed for her real husband, her son and her family - hell, Leroy was more welcome right now than these unknown people.
"Enough! We never were a family and we never will be a family. I don't know you, I don't know who you are or who hired you." Emma stepped closer, locking eyes with the man who stared at her sadly.
"Emma, please calm down, you are frightening your daughter," one of the nurses standing next to Seth and Julia suddenly said.
"SHE IS NOT MY DAUGHTER. STOP SAYING SHE IS MY DAUGHTER. I DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER, I ONLY HAVE A SON!" Emma started to yell, her voice darkening angrily, her whole body shaking with rage, not able to focus utterly, knocking a chair over in her rage.
"Emma, Emma calm down, calm down again," a nurse pleaded, hurrying towards her, but also looking back at Julia, who was clinging onto Seth's leg. "I am sorry, but you should go now. She won't calm down that easily, especially not with you around."
Seth looked at Emma sadly, then back to the nurse. He put his hand on his daughter's back and nodded. "Alright. Would you please be so kind and give her these? Today is our anniversary and Julia and I wanted to give her some presents."
"Sure." The nurse took the small rectangular box and a piece of paper out of his hand, smiling at him before she looked at Julia. "Don't be afraid. Your mommy is sick, but she will be healthy again soon, I promise. Just give her time."
Julia didn't say anything, she only looked at Emma who was being held by two men, thrashing around with her feet. She was trying to free herself, still yelling that Seth and Julia were not her family.
The next moment, he took the girl by the hand and led her outside, the screams and cries of her mother following her until the doors finally closed behind her.
"Is the necklace the anniversary gift? I haven't seen it on you before today," Killian interrupted her softly.
Emma snapped back to reality and nodded, playing with it while she looked down. "I thought it would be a good idea to wear it, to show Seth that I am trying and willing to accept them and recover."
"Maybe that is so, but I don't like it on you," Killian stated, throwing the rest of the apple into the pond and hiding the knife in the tree again.
Emma started to smile, letting go of the jewelry. "Me neither. If he really were my husband, he knew I would never wear this kind of necklace."
Killian tilted his head, studying her face and the necklace again, leaning back and nearly falling off the tree.
"What?"
"Nothing, I just thought about what kind of necklace I would buy you." He flirted with her, again - something she was already used to and also enjoyed.
"And what kind of-" Their watches started to beep the very same moment, making them both laugh awkwardly. Of course, they were interrupted; of course they lost track of time again. Whenever she was with Killian, she found it easy to let the time escape her.
He climbed down first, like always, and helped her (like always), although she didn't need help. She thanked him before she started to jog to her ward. She wasn't looking forward to the visit.
It was a strange new feeling. A feeling like she was on the right track, a feeling that she'd done something right. Her plan was simple.
Showering, having breakfast, waiting for the visitors and spending some time with her "family", shows that she was willing to try, to accept and to move on and relax afterwards. A simple plan. But today, everything was different.
Killian was there, watching her over a book from the furthest chair in a corner. She felt his eyes on her back, and felt him walking to another place, the faint smell of tea and spices and - rum? ( she needed to ask him about that tomorrow) entering her nose when he passed her table.
Why was he there? He endangered the whole operation - she still needed a name for it (Henry would be disappointed, but he always was the one clever enough to come up with a good name, so she couldn't really be blamed).
"Darling, are you even listening?" Seth looked at his wife, irritated; he took her hand, and Emma had to focus on not automatically flinching.
"Yeah, I- I am sorry, Seth. This is all a bit much. Please, be patient with me," she tried to make a happy and brave face; she knew she had succeeded when he squeezed her hand slightly.
"Of course, Emma, I can't tell you how happy and how proud I am - you finally want to get better. I'd have brought Julia with me if I knew you were in this great of condition, but I have to admit, I am happy to have some alone time with you." He smiled at her, an honest, simple smile that would make every girl got weak knees, but Emma wasn't every girl. Instead, her stomach flipped; she felt bad for lying to this man who showed nothing but compassion and love for her. Emma inhaled deeply and tried to stay calm, but his touch was nearly unbearable
Emma wanted to say something: she opened her mouth, but closed it again, not sure what to say.
"You know what, sweetheart, how about I let you rest and process everything, and come back the day after tomorrow? I can bring some family pictures, some new ones we made at Julia's birthday last week. Or some I took at her ballet performance - she was so beautiful and stunning. She had a solo and was so nervous beforehand," he laughed and leaned back, his hand wandering into his pocket to pick out his phone, "look, Emma - she looks just like you in this picture."
Emma stared at the picture, not seeing what her "husband" saw. There was this brown-haired girl with a tutu and a ballet bun, executing a position Emma couldn't even pronounce, let alone perform herself. It didn't look graceful at all, and even if it did, she knew nothing of ballet or parenting a young girl. She was not interested, not at all – but she didn't want to show any lack of interest, so she took the phone and zoomed in, looking at the girl in faked adoration before handing back the phone.
"Do you want to see her dance? I made a video; it's just short and a bit blurry, but you can see our little star doing her solo. You cannot imagine how proud I was. I wished you could've been there too." Without waiting for an answer, he held his phone between the two of them, shifting closer so they were both able to watch the video on the small screen.
Emma watched Julia and tried to get a feel for it, but she only stared at this moving girl, feeling no emotions. Seth, on the other hand, nearly started to cry. He was so proud of the girl - Emma could see that, and it made her sad again. He loved his daughter – or whoever she was to him – so much, Emma started to get jealous. Her thoughts drifted off to her other life. She tried really hard to remember if there were any other kids, but she couldn't recall any toys lying around her house.
She shook her head slightly - the thought of home made her a bit gloomy - and a single tear escaped her eye. She needed to find a way home soon. She wasn't sure how long she could go on like this anymore. When she suddenly felt a hand pressed against her cheek, she looked up, meeting Seth's eyes. He clearly misinterpreted her tear - his smile was so huge, it must have hurt. Emma only laughed slightly, guilt starting to eat her up. Her eyes averted from his, but the next moment, she forced herself to meet his gaze again - she had to. She forced herself to play along so she could get home quickly.
Again Seth misinterpreted her action and closed the gap between them, pressing his lips against hers. He didn't pressure her; he only stayed that way for a moment before he pulled back and looked at her with cheerful eyes, but at the same time, he looked a bit apologetic.
Emma smiled at him.
"Sorry," he suddenly said and let go of her completely, putting his phone back into his pocket.
"You don't need to apologize for kissing your wife," Emma answered quietly, never breaking eye contact with him. She could practically see his heart skip a beat before the smile reappeared on his face. He rose from his chair, and Emma did the same.
Without a warning, he pulled her into a hug. Emma was surprised at first, but then she buried her face in his shoulder - it didn't feel right. She didn't remember his harsh scent nor his hard muscles under the thin shirt. But she allowed herself to relax for a moment. There was this man – fake or not – who seemed to love her on a level (either that, or he was a really good actor) and she only wanted to accept this circumstance for a moment.
Seth pulled her even closer, and Emma had to lift her head to keep herself from suffocating. When she opened her eyes, she suddenly met Killian's.
He stared at her with a blank expression – maybe even a bit pained – but when he saw her gazing back, he quickly hid behind his book. Emma closed her eyes, suddenly confused but still trying to focus on her actual mission.
"I don't want to pressure you, Emma, but uhm-," Seth's voice suddenly interrupted her thoughts. She broke the hug but Seth didn't let go completely. She instantly knew what was coming next, and she wasn't ready for it, but she also wasn't going to waste such an opportunity of proving that she was on the road to recovery. "It's our anniversary today and I thought- uhm."
Emma smiled at him and made a small move towards him, giving him permission to kiss her again. And kissing he did. With a force she wasn't ready for, he pressed his lips to hers, seeking entrance immediately. He was force, he was rough and nothing Emma was used to. She closed her eyes, hoping that he didn't notice her discomfort. She could never be with someone who wasn't able to kiss. And this wasn't kissing - attacking maybe, but not kissing. Emma tried to think of something positive, something nice. She couldn't remember how her actual husband kissed, but she could remember kissing men before and so she quickly started to think about one, trying to feel that kiss instead of this intrusion.
When he pulled back he smiled at her, but Emma didn't see it because her eyes were still closed. She also started to smile, thinking about this one kiss she shared with Neal back when she was seventeen. Neal was never a great kisser but this one kiss had been special. Before she got too lost, she forced herself to open her eyes. Her lips were pressed into a thin line as she looked at Seth.
"Happy anniversary, Emma," he said and squeezed her hand one last time before taking his coat and heading towards the exit - but not without turning to look at her one last time, "See you the day after tomorrow."
Emma didn't respond; she pressed her fingers against her lips, staring at the door blankly. When a nurse came to ask her if she was okay, she only nodded and sat down again.
She searched for Killian, but he wasn't in his corner, or anywhere else in the room. Emma shook her head and decided to go to her room for the rest of the day.
Tomorrow she would have an appointment with Dr. Atkins - something she wasn't looking forward to, but something inevitable and also very important. Atkins was the only one who could discharge her, so her opinion and her decision was life altering.
The next morning, Emma waited for Killian at their usual spot, but he didn't show up. She wanted to leave him a message, not only to ask him why he didn't show up but also to ask if everything was okay. However, she was too afraid of drawing attention to their daily meetings and friendship. Were they even friends? Emma suddenly wondered, but didn't allow herself to dig into this thought any deeper, not willing to ruin her process by brooding over Killian's absence or this question any longer.
"Emma, wonderful, come in," the doctor's voice was soft and friendly - something Emma didn't hear often from her. The doctor was a strict woman, and not very friendly at all, as though she needed to be viewed as a matriarch in order to survive in this business.
Emma sat down and looked at the doctor expectantly. She scooted to the edge of the chair and pressed her hands between her knees to stop herself from fiddling with her fingers and waggling her feet.
"So, Emma, I watched you the last few days; you've made quite an improvement." The doctor laid a folder down, looking at Emma directly. Emma smiled, she was nervous and tense but she did her best not to give herself away.
"Thank you, I-," she thought about her next words, "I started to realise that all of you aren't against me. I am the only one who was standing in my way of rehabilitation."
Dr. Atkins scribbled something down before she leaned back and started asking a row of questions. Emma answered every single one, trying to focus on her goal, trying everything to convince Atkins that she was willing to heal and get out of the institution.
"Seth is visiting me again tomorrow. He will bring some pictures. You know, I missed so much from being here the last few months - Julia's birthday, her school and ballet performances, and more. I miss my kid, I want to see her grow up and I want to be a part of her life again." Emma was proud of herself. She hated lying, but in this case it was necessary; she just didn't expect the next question of Atkins.
"What part does Killian Tiesa play in this whole scenario?"
Emma's jaw dropped slightly, but she tried to compose herself as quickly as possible. "Killian? What? What do you mean?"
"No need to get nervous, Emma. I just noticed that you and him hang out more often and talk to each other."
Emma suddenly closed up. She stared at the doctor crossing her arms. "Is it a crime to talk?"
"No, not at all Emma," the doctor scribbled something down again, before looking back to Emma, "It's just interesting that you began to recover the same time you made a new friend."
"He helped me realise some things. He understands me and he helps me, and hopefully I will be able to help him too." Emma took a deep breath, unfolding her arms. "He is a nice guy but he seems lonely, as if he's not willing to open up."
"So you didn't develop any feelings for him?"
"What? No! He is a friend we talk and we see each other when we run in the morning because, let us be honest, we don't have many possibilities to run here, so I think it's normal that our paths cross." Emma's voice was strong and surprisingly calm.
"Yes, you are right. Our park is not a paradise for people who like running. Look, Emma, I don't want Killian to be a problem."
Emma knitted her brows, not understanding what she was saying.
"I don't want you to be healed but unable to let go because of him," Dr. Atkins clarified herself.
"Oh- oh! No, no, I can assure you, he is just a friend and nothing more. Please, don't make me stop being friends with him. He helps me; actually, he was the one who encouraged me to open up more and get out of my shell. Please, don't take this from me." Emma hadn't realised how much she needed Killian. He was the only one who knew the truth and the only one who understood. She didn't want to be alone again, and didn't want to do this all by herself.
"Well, it was never my intention to take anything from you, Emma. I just wanted to warn you. Killian is a very unstable person. You know why he is here; I assume he told you about his situation and I just hope that he doesn't become the reason why you don't want to go."
Emma was shocked; she opened and closed her mouth several times. "No, it won't be a problem. Killian is just a friend."
"Alright then." Dr. Atkins asked some more questions before she finally let Emma go.
Emma was exhausted and needed to rest; sessions with Atkins were always exhausting, but this time, it was something different. The talking about Killian triggered something in Emma - something she didn't understand - and it stirred up this feeling she wasn't able to define exactly.
The next day, she was disappointed again when Killian didn't show up, but she was concerned even more - concerned and afraid that something had happened to him, and these were feelings she didn't like. She decided to take a walk, and before she even realised where she was at, she was standing in the lobby of the men's ward.
A nurse stopped in front of her asking what she wanted. When Emma told her that she wanted to see Killian, the nurse only informed her that he didn't want to see anyone today. He wasn't sick, but he didn't feel well, so Emma decided to go to her special place to think a bit more before it was time for supper.
Killian didn't show up for the next two mornings nor did he partake in the group session on Thursday. Seth visited Emma on Wednesday and stayed the whole afternoon before he promised to come back on Saturday with Julia again.
Emma started talking more frequently with all of her doctors; she did everything she could to get Dr. Atkins to finally discharge her.
On Friday Emma was passing the men's ward ten minutes past five in the morning when she suddenly saw movement in the corner of her eye. She didn't look up, only stayed focused on her feet and the music in her ears.
Twenty minutes later, she felt a hand on her upper arm. "Vale, I am sorry, I was sick. I caught a cold and couldn't leave my bed the last few days. You know how hard men suffer from a cold, and I am no exception."
That made Emma smile, turn her head and slow down. She pulled her earbuds out of her ears, breathing deeply. "And now you think it is intelligent to run in the morning after nearly dying?"
Killian raised a brow, and Emma wasn't sure if he was surprised by her boldness or pissed because of her words. Either way, he smiled at her, stepping closer and bending down a bit. "I didn't think we actually run this time."
Emma smiled and nodded; they weren't far from their hiding spot. "You wanna talk instead?" Emma observed him closely. He seemed to be more flushed than usual, seemed to be with less energy. Maybe he didn't lie and was sick the last days, she wasn't sure about it.
"Sure, love." Killian was the first who disappeared between the leaves, walking on the hidden trail towards their private spot at the old, big willow, which prevented any unwanted looks.
He leaned against the tree, looking at the ducks through the branches of the willow.; it was quiet and calming.
When Emma approached him, he smiled at her; it was obvious that he was happy to see her and be alone with her again.
"So, Vale, what happened over the last few days?"
Emma stopped instantly, not sure if she really wanted to pass the information on or not. "Why are you coming here with me every day? We've know each other for six months now, but you never seemed interested in me, so why now when I finally start to recover?"
The question startled him. As he looked at her, a mixture of pain and shock appeared on his face. He stared at her longer than necessary before he took a deep breath, scratched behind his ear and turned away from her. "Do you know why I am here, Emma?"
"Of course, you told me all about it, didn't you?" Emma crossed her arms in front of her chest, suddenly unsure if there was more or not. He had told her about Milah and their accident, about Liam and how close they'd been and he now had no one anymore.
"Aye, I told you, but I didn't tell you everything." He turned again; his eyes were glassy, but Emma could tell he wouldn't let the tears fall that easily. "But," he hesitated before he went on, "I will never leave this place, Emma."
Emma raised a brow. "Bullshit. You are not insane, Killian. Of course you will leave this institution again, why wouldn't you?"
"Because some people don't want me to go."
Emma opened her mouth and closed it again, unsure of what to say or do. "I think I don't understand - what do you mean some people don't want you to leave this place?"
Killian sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Let me put it this way - some powerful people decided it is safer that I live here from now on, under constant watch, instead of living outside."
Emma stepped closer, not sure she understood. Was he that paranoid to believe something like that, or was it possible that he was telling the truth?
"I can see it in your eyes, Vale, you don't believe me." He sighed again, turning towards the pond, kicking some loose stones into the greenish-colored water. Suddenly he felt her pressed against his back, her hands on his upper arms.
"How can I not believe you, Killian? It's just I don't understand. How can you live with the knowledge that you will never be free again? That you will never be able to live your life again?" She pressed herself against him, her words mumbled into his hoodie.
Killian slowly turned, wrapping his arms around Emma and holding her close. "It's not as bad as you think," he mustered a smile, "I have my own room, I don't have to do my laundry, I get three meals a day and I have a wonderful big yard that I don't have to deal with on my own. There are music days and art days, and I have friends in here."
Emma smiled up at him, suddenly very aware of his blue eyes, of his ginger scruff framing his beautiful young face. A smile appeared on her face when she noticed that his ears were lightly shaped like the ones of an elf - they looked rather dashing on him - and his soft red lips suddenly seemed so appealing.
They both leaned in, their eyes flickering between each other's mouths and eyes. Emma's breath faltered and she closed her eyes, ready to press her lips onto his - to feel the softness and fullness of them.
Crack.
A loud, wooden sound made them jump apart. They looked at each other one last time before Emma turned around and started jogging away. She didn't look back, and didn't see Killian's wrecked face. She only wanted to take a cold shower.
What the hell was she doing? Emma was a married woman who was determined to break this curse or whatever it was, and kissing Killian was definitely not the solution.
—
Dr. Atkins waited patiently until everyone finally calmed down. Group sessions always started a bit rough - the only hour male and female patients met. Of course they were allowed to visit each other's wards, also on visit-days they shared the large space of the main building, but that was something else.
The patients started to talk to each other immediately, exchanging news, gossiping about everything and everyone (no matter that the person of interest was also in the very same room).
"Alright, guys, let's all take a seat," Dr. Atkins said but no one paid attention, everyone too wrapped up in their own conversation. "Sit down, please," she tried again. This time followed by a sharp whistle. Her head snapped up. Killian Tiesa was standing across from her, looking around annoyed. He has never been a patient man, this time his impatience came in handy.
Finally all patients sat down, looking at her expectantly. "Thank you very much," Dr. Atkins said to no one in particular, "I think it is time we pick our partners for the coming year. Some of you already know that I pair a male with a female patient once a year. From now on these partners shall help each other whenever possible and necessary. This can be to have an open ear or some physical help in the gym or wherever a partner is required." She looked around again before she continued. "Well, let's see who will be paired with whom." She took out two boxes and started to pick a piece of paper out of each one. "Allison and Earl," Dr. Atkins announced before picking the next two names.
Emma wasn't paying much attention to everything. Whoever her partner will be, she won't spend much time with him. She had to focus on her task - leaving this institution as quickly as possible. She got lost in her thoughts, thinking about the last few weeks and the upcoming weekend. Seth and Julia were going to visit, and Emma would meet her daughter again. She knew the girl wasn't actually her daughter but the girl didn't seem to understand that she was not her mother - or she was an incredible actress.
Emma shook her head, and when she suddenly heard her name, her eyes snapped up, and she was meeting Killian's; he was grinning broadly. "So Emily and Kurt will be our last team. Now you have time to get to know your partner." Dr Atkins clapped her hands on her thighs and got up the same moment.
One by one, couples formed, each one of them walking to different places in the room. Emma and Killian were the last ones who sat on the now abandoned circle of chairs that was normally used to hold their therapy sessions.
"Well, Vale, it seems you are stuck with me the next few weeks and longer." Killian grinned like a fool, licking his lower lip in a seductive way.
Emma shook her head slightly, trying to concentrate and avoid watching his tongue, which probably only darted out to moisturize his lips but suddenly seemed so appealing to her. She smiled and met his eyes.
After a while Dr. Atkins joined them, talking about some ideas what they can do together the next weeks. "Well, I know, that you are both into sports and so I thought you might want to use our gym sometime soon. Our new climbing wall literally call your names."
When she moved on to another team, Killian and Emma exchanged a quick look. Emma thought the next few weeks could be fun, but at the same time she had constrained herself to focus on her actual mission and to not let herself get distracted by some handsome looking, nice guy who still seemed like the only one who looked behind her walls with ease.
"Vale!" Killian approached her panting.
"This is a bad time, Killian, please go," Emma said and shook off his hand.
Killian stopped, one brow raised. "What's up, Emma?"
"Seth and Julia will be here any minute and I don't want them to get the wrong impression. I am nervous enough, I don't need you around to make this meeting even worse." She fumbled with her finger, looking at the door every now and then.
"Look, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable in my presence." He stepped back and turned around, but Emma was quicker. She put her hand on his upper arm and tugged slightly.
"I'm sorry, Killian," Emma suddenly whispered, her voice trembled which made him turn again. He could see the anticipation and uneasiness in her eyes.
"Come here, darling." He opened up his arms and Emma stepped inside without hesitation. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, Killian's scent calming her instantly. She tightened the hug until her hands were pressed against his shoulder blades.
"So what did you wanna tell me?" Emma mumbled into his shirt, her eyes still closed as she felt Killian's chin resting on her head.
"I checked out the new climbing wall yesterday and if you want to give it a try, I am in," he said as his fingertips travelled slightly up and down her back, tracing her spine through her shirt.
"Well, I-"
"Emma?"
As quickly as possible, Emma broke the hug, turning around and looking at Seth and Julia who were standing in the doorway, both carrying flowers and photo books.
"Hey guys," Emma blushed but smiled at them. When she saw Seth's irritated face she shoved Killian in front of her. "This is Killian Tiesa. He is my therapy buddy and one of my few friends in here."
"Nice to meet you, Killian." Seth offered his hand, but his eyes gave him away. He seemed to be suspicious, checking Killian out more than necessarily.
"The pleasure is all mine, Seth." Killian shook his hand, staring directly into his eyes before bending down and taking Julia's hand. "And you must be the lovely Julia." He kissed her knuckles, making the girl blush and giggle. Seth responded by pulling her into his side. "Your mum told me a lot about you."
Emma gasped, Seth raised his eyebrows even further and Julia smiled broadly.
Killian dismissed himself, walking to a patient who was sitting in front of his chess game, as usual. He sat down and began the first move, constantly glancing at Emma and her family.
Emma and Seth sat down at one table, and Julia decided to take a seat next to he which made Emma more than uncomfortable, but she kept telling herself that this was another way to show that she was on the road to recovery.
"So who is this guy again?" Seth's words stung; he was still looking at Killian who was sitting on the other side of the room, playing chess with Jeremiah.
"Honestly? You want to have that kind of conversation now? Do you really want to spend our time talking about a random guy you obviously feel jealous about? I, and everyone else in here, can assure you he is just a friend who keeps me company while running at five in the morning and who was paired with me by Dr. Atkin's herself. Don't be a dick and quit this shit."
"Emma!" Seth's eyes snapped back at hers, looking briefly to Julia who was fiddling with some piece of paper.
"Daddy hates when I swear ; he says it's bad form," Julia suddenly said, looking at Emma with a smile, "but I do it anyway when he isn't around. Like you always said, if you are not allowed to express your feelings, they will eat you up."
Now Emma and Seth glanced at each other quickly before looking at Julia. Emma put her arm around the girl and pulled her into her side. "Well, if I told you that, then we should stick to it." She winked, but something inside of her screamed, telling her to listen to what Julia had just said. Ignoring the little voice inside of her head, she looked at the piece of paper and started a conversation with Julia.
Emma tried to focus and make the best out of her time with her "family". Killian was forgotten; She didn't even notice when he left the room - only listened to Julia's narrations about school, friends and her hobbies.
By the time they left, Emma felt exhausted; she wanted to go to bed and sleep. Wondering why she always felt like this after her meetings with Seth and Julia, she laid down on her bed and closed her eyes.
Within minutes, she was dreaming about her old life. Once again she found herself in Storybrooke, this small town, she couldn't find on the internet or any map, with her parents and Henry. But something was different - there was this man by her side. She couldn't see him nor hear him; she only felt his presence and - it calmed her.
It felt so familiar - way too familiar - and she could even smell him; a mixture of sea salt, leather and- rum? No! She looked to her left and she saw it - a male arm with a tattoo on it; a heart, a dagger and a word she couldn't read it quickly enough. Never before she had seen anything of her husband, now she was staring at their joint hands and his tattoo.
Emma awoke, panting heavily, and sat up, looking around. She was still fully clothed, her room soaked in darkness as she rubbed her forehead, trying to put everything she saw together.
She needed to find out if the dream was about her real life again or if she was beginning to mix things up. At the moment, she had no idea, so she tried to fall back to sleep. After a while, she finally fell into a light, dreamless slumber.
"Emma? Emma dear, are you alright?"
Emma groaned and slowly opened her eyes. The light was blinding, her head hurt and the apprehensive eyes in front of Emma alarmed her.
"Yeah, I am- ahhh," Emma slowly sat up but put her head in her hands from the sudden movement.
"You don't look alright, dear, and why are you fully dressed?"
Emma looked down and observed the clothes she was still wearing.
"I fell asleep after Seth and Julia left and- could you close the curtains, please, I think I'm having a migraine." Emma fell back on the bed and buried her head under a pillow. She felt like shit; even breathing hurt. She hadn't had a migraine attack in years - why now?
"Emma, do you want something to eat?" Hattie asked friendly and looked at her while Emma only peeked out her pillow.
"No, thank you- but what time is it, Hattie?"
"It's 9:30 my dear, that's why I wanted to check on you. Hattie closed the curtains and came back, standing right in front of Emma's bed.
"9:30? Oh no, I have to-" Emma groaned when she sat up, and instantly fell back on the bed when Hattie placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Everything is alright, Emma; I told him you didn't feel well when he asked for you." A small smile appeared on her face. "He looked quite relieved after I told him that."
Emma pressed her lips into a thin line; it was nice that Hattie instantly knew that she was concerned about Killian, but at the same time, it made her feel overwhelmed; he must have thought she was avoiding him because of yesterday. She took a deep breath and shook her head, instantly regretting her movement. "Oh," Emma started, then closed her eyes again, "If he comes back, can you-," she stopped herself before opening her eyes once more, "can you tell him he can come up? I need to ask him something important."
"Of course, Emma, but now you rest. You look really pale, dear; Dr. Wilbur will come by later and check on you, and I will place some crackers and water on your nightstand, just in case you want something to eat when you wake again."
Emma smiled, too tired to say anything else. The moment the door fell shut, she was asleep again; this time she was again in Storybrooke, the hometown full of people she missed so much.
Emma's dream was wild, unlike when she normally saw her parents with her little brother playing in their yard or watching Henry interact with David or Regina or any other town folk.
No, this time she only saw snippets flashing through her brain and giving her a stronger headache than she'd ever had before. She wanted to wake up; she didn't want to go through all these memories again.
Something was odd, something was different and there was something - or was it someone - which didn't belong here. There it was again; this coat, this arm - who was this?
She wanted to get closer, to see who was there with her, climbing up the beanstalk, walking through the jungle in Neverland and shooting these lousy flying monkeys. She had gone through these memories before but there had never been a male attendant. All of these memories came to Emma, making her head spin.
Wake up, Emma. Wake up.
She needed to wake up and get rid of this feeling - the feeling of drowning, the feeling of falling into a deep hole.
Wake up, Emma.
With a little yelp, she opened her eyes and sat up quickly - too quickly. Her stomach flipped, and she had the urgent need to puke, but before she could move, she was met by a warm body who pulled her into a hug.
The tangy scent of Killian surrounded her within seconds, and Emma let go.
Emma let fly her emotions, and started to sob into his shirt, and once more was embraced by his warmth, as she listened to his soothing words.
Emma had no idea how long she stayed like that; her head was still spinning, but her stomach had calmed again. Suddenly, a specific thought crossed her mind; in a flash she leaned back and took his right hand in hers, pulling up the sleeve, stroking his forearm as if she wanted to rub off some paint, and searching for any remnants of a tattoo, but there were none.
"Emma? Are you alright, love?"
"Yes, no, I-" Emma closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "I think I'm losing my mind." Her confession was quiet and nearly impossible to hear, but he heard it anyway and it seemed to startle him. He looked up, shocked, placing his thumb on the little dimple of her chin and a finger under her chin to lift it up so she was able to meet his gaze.
"Darling, never say anything like that again. Tell me what's wrong; tell me what's going on in this pretty head of yours." Killian brushed some strands behind her ear, looking into her green eyes with such honesty, she could only offer a slight nod.
She shifted closer, leaned her head against his shoulder and took a deep breath again. "My dreams are getting more and more intense and I thought I started mixing them up with this reality."
Killian placed a kiss into her hair; a soothing gesture Emma didn't think about too much. "What do you mean by 'mixing up your dreams with this reality'?"
Emma looked at him and shook her head when suddenly her stomach growled. Both started to smile and laugh. "When was the last time you ate something, Emma?"
"Uhm, yesterday at breakfast. I was so nervous about that Seth's and Julia's visit, that I couldn't eat anything at lunch, and I fell asleep before dinner and woke up after breakfast today. Besides, I couldn't have eaten anything today." She started to fidget with her fingers when Killian took her hands in his and looked at the crackers and the water on her nightstand. "Come, darling, let us find a proper meal for you. Let us go outside if you feel up to."
Emma nodded, happy about the offer. He took her hand, interlacing their fingers and opening the door. Emma followed him until they were standing at the front desk. "Hattie, I want to go for a walk, is that alright?"
The nurse looked at her monitor and nodded. "Just be back by five. Dr. Wilbur wants to take a look at you."
Emma nodded.
"Have you eaten something, dear?"
Now Emma shook her head and Hattie smiled at Killian. She turned around and went through a door before Emma and Killian were able to say something. Within seconds, she was back with a brown bag.
"Here, take this with you; some snacks for the two of you."
Emma smiled and thanked her before she and Killian stepped outside.
The air was clean and fresh. The weather was changing - autumn was coming. Killian tugged on her hand, their fingers still interlaced. Together they walked to the pond in silence, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence at all. Emma enjoyed being outside again, the remnants of her migraine attack slowly fading. The warm sun on her face, the cool air rushing through her lungs, the soft wind blowing through her hair, made Emma feel more alive than before.
She felt Killian's eyes on her and looked at him. "What?" she asked sheepishly, a faint blush coloring her cheeks, which could clearly be mistaken as a sign of her being cold. But she wasn't cold at all. Killian didn't answer her question, he only squeezed her hand and continued walking and staring.
Suddenly Emma let go of his hand and rushed towards the pond, looking back at Killian grinning. "Oy, Vale, that's not fair - I have to carry our food and-"
Like in slow motion, he saw her stumbling and falling down, the brown bag which he had lifted a bit, falling to the ground, revealing sandwiches, apples and two small juice boxes. In an instant he was by her side, crouching down in front of her, his hand on her back, the other one searching for her hand. "Emma, are you alright?"
"Yes, I-" Emma closed her eyes and leaned against Killian, "I think it was a bit too early to race you again." She looked back and saw the contents of the bag lying on the ground. "I am sorry, I-"
"No need for apologies - maybe I'll take you back to-"
"No!" Emma's eyes widened, she looked at Killian with a plea in her eyes, hoping he might understand why she wanted to stay outside with him. "I mean, please don't bring me back, I am fine, really, can we- uhm, can we just stay out a bit longer?"
Killian sighed but helped her up, looking at her critically. Her knees were grazed, her hands dirty from the gravel on the ground but all in all she looked okay. "Alright, Vale, but please tell me when anything gets too much. I'll bring you back whenever you tell me to."
Emma offered him a weak smile before he helped her up. They picked up their lunches and walked to their secret spot. When Emma was about to climb up the tree, Killian pulled her back and flush against his body. "We won't sit up there today, love. I have no intentions in carrying you back to the ward, explaining why you are injured and fell down a tree. Let us stay over there on this fallen tree." He nodded towards an old big tree trunk Emma had never realised before. Without noticing she closed her eyes, feeling Killian's firm, hard body pressed against her back. His lingering scent filled her nose, his warmth surrounding her in a comfortable way; it made her - happy. She felt home, she felt relaxed and content.
When realization hit her, she broke their intimate position and walked towards the tree. She slumped down, hoping Killian won't notice the pink colour on her cheeks. Killian followed her with raised brows but didn't say anything; instead he grabbed an apple and took a bite. "So," he finally said after a few minutes in uncomfortable silence, "will you tell me more about your dreams?"
Emma turned her head, her hands pressed between her knees, stopping herself from wiggling them. She didn't know what to tell him, didn't even know what to think about her dreams herself.
"Tell me something I didn't know about you, Killian," Emma switched the topic without even noticing. She watched Killian flinch, watched him skid a bit, his walls rising up the very same moment. He opened and closed his mouth several times, not sure what he should say. When their eyes finally met, he calmed again and smiled at her.
"I've missed you, Emma," he confessed.
Emma's jaw dropped, she wanted to say something but only stared at him. They started to talk and once again forgot to keep track of time. It was strange. Killian was able to make her forget things, forget time and her surroundings. He made her forget that she was in a mental asylum and declared as "unstable" and also suffering from "paranoid personality disorder".
Emma told him what happened during Seth's visit, how she felt when he touched and kissed her and that she felt hurt when Killian was suddenly gone without even saying a word.
Emma could see Killian's distress and discomfort, but he didn't say anything – he only listened. When Emma was nearly finished, his head snapped to the right. Emma didn't notice, but suddenly he was pressed against her, his fingers on her mouth to silence her.
Emma's eyes widened, but she kept quiet when Killian nodded into the direction where he heard something moments before. They were so close to each other they breathed in the same air; Killian was holding her and shielding her from prying eyes. His fingers were still on her lips; not hard but with the right amount of pressure to show her that she had to be quiet.
Emma closed her eyes, and her heart started to race again. This all felt so familiar. She should have been uncomfortable with him pressed against her, his fingers against her mouth and him cornering her in a far too intimate way, but she didn't at all. Instead she felt safe, guarded and home.
"If Emma doesn't wake within the next two days, we have to make some decisions, Killian. We still don't know what caused this coma and how she ended up in the woods alone and unconscious." Dr. Whale studied the sleeping Saviour before looking at Killian again, who stared at him, afraid and confused.
"What do you mean by 'decisions have to be made'? Don't you think she will wake again? Do you think she will stay like this- forever?" Panic flooded his body. He squeezed Emma's hand, but quickly looked into the platinum-blonde doctor's eyes again.
"I cannot tell you what that means exactly. If the state she is in at the moment was caused by magic, maybe no harm was done to her body, but if there was a natural cause, then we do not know for sure if there will be any consequences like brain damage or so."
"Brain damage? You- you mean?" Killian was pale like a sheet; he stared at his sleeping wife, seeing her breathing in and out rhythmically. He couldn't believe what he had just been told; he couldn't believe there was a possibility of losing Emma. "No! I won't lose her. Not like this! I will fight for her - for us."
Stubbornly he squeezed her hand again, hovering over her and whispering into her ear. "I won't give up on you. You are my everything - my love, my wife, my best friend and partner. Please come back to me, Emma. I cannot lose you. Your family needs you - I need you. I love you so much. Please wake up, love."
He stayed with her like he had done the last few weeks, not willing to leave her alone. When Snow White filled in, he briefly went home to shower and eat. Everyone told him to rest and relax, but he couldn't. Not as long as his beautiful wife laid in the hospital - not without finding any answers.
David had tried to distract him by doing some field search, by looking for answers in the woods where Emma was found, by interrogating the couple who found her and by searching through her phone and her other belongings - but it didn't distract him nor bring him any answers. The opposite happened - he was now longing for answers like never before.
He decided to talk to her and tell her everything what was going on in Storybrooke. He took her hand, drawing silly patterns on the back of her hand while speaking about the daily events: the weather, Granny's speciality, some fun things and also serious stuff. Sometimes he read from the newspaper and other times he only chatted with her like she was actually listening.
"... and Will again ended up in a cell at the station. I think he will never learn, or he likes the cot in there much more than his bed back home," Killian laughed slightly and leaned closer, whispering into her ear, "although, darling, we both know how comfortable and useful those cots can be." He winked at her and kissed her forehead before he leaned back, never letting go of her hand.
Tomorrow was the day Killian feared. If Emma didn't wake up within the next twenty-four hours she might never wake again. Killian tried not to think about it; he tried to focus on the here and now. Regina and Belle were searching the library for answers; answers for what might have happened, answers for why Emma was in the woods alone - answers to questions nobody was able to answer except Emma.
He looked at her and came closer again; he laid his head on her pillow, observing her and enjoying her presence and her warmth. "I miss you, Emma. I miss you so much. People always tell me to stay strong and to have hope and faith, but I am not sure I can stay strong any longer. I love you, Emma. Why were you in the woods; why were you alone? What happened to you? I thought we told tell each other everything, but then I find out you have this big secret; a secret that could divide us forever. I know you are in there somewhere. Please, fight for us, please don't give up and come back to me - to Henry, your parents, this town. Please, Emma, please." Tears stained the pillow next to Emma's head; he couldn't hold back any longer. He felt lost, alone and afraid.
They had faced so many dangers together or for each other, but this time he was powerless. He could only sit there and hold her hand; it was devastating. "SWAN! Please." He was sobbing when suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. He lifted his head and turned so he was finally facing David, who was also crying silently.
"She will come back to us," David started and looked at Killian with red-rimmed eyes, "she is a fighter; I don't give up hope and you shouldn't either."
Emma smiled at Killian; this time by tomorrow she could be home again; discharged by Dr. Atkins because of the progress she had made the last two weeks. Becoming friends with Killian, and getting him as a partner was the best thing that happened to her during her stay.
Now they were standing in the gym. Ever since they were paired up, she tried to avoid climbing this wall with Killian; oo afraid of embarrassing herself in front of him. Well, she had climbed a 10000 feet high beanstalk, but nevertheless this wall frightened her. To be honest, she was beyond afraid of climbing up this wall, but with Killian by her side she had felt no fear.
"So what do you say, Emma, shall we climb this wall?"
Emma looked up again; the wall seemed to be getting higher and higher every time she looked at it. She gulped hard but when she met his eyes again, seeing the calmness and the trust in them, she only nodded.
"That's a lass, come on. I'll be right behind you," he said smiling when Emma suddenly turned around facing him again.
"Oh no, buddy, you clearly won't be staring at my ass the whole time we're climbing this wall."
"Oh, so you want to look at mine?" Killian asked playfully, but Emma only shook her head.
"You will be right beside me. I-" she looked up again; suddenly a feeling of failure overcame her, "I think I can't do this without you."
Killian stepped closer and took her hand in his. "Okay, Emma, we'll do this together. Come on, I'll be right beside you."
Never before Emma had felt so happy or proud of herself. They climbed up the wall alongside each other, ringing the bell together. On solid ground again, they hugged; the adrenalin already faded away and was replaced by relief.
Killian beamed at her, scooping her up and swirling her around. "You did it, Vale. I am so proud of you," he put her down again, grinning brightly at her. "First wall-climbing? Well, you never forget your first." He wrapped his arm around her, walking towards the changing area with her, not seeing Emma's knitted brows. She could have sworn she had heard these words before, but that would've been impossible because she knew this was indeed her first.
After they had showered and changed, they walked to the main house where a surprise waited for Emma. Dr. Atkins was standing next to Seth talking to him and smiling when Emma approached them, irritated.
"Emma!" Seth looked at her with a smile, that only faltered for a short moment when he saw Killian walking closely next to her.
Emma turned towards Killian and back to Seth and Dr. Atkins. "Seth, Dr. Atkins, is- uhm, is everything okay?"
Seth and the doctor looked at Killian, as he excused himself and went to Jeremiah again, who was - like always - sitting in front of his chess game. He was still watching them, not paying much attention to the game in front of him.
Ten minutes passed by as Killian tried to understand anything they were saying, but the room was too loud and he was too far away. Suddenly the doctor shook Seth's and Emma's hand, nodding at her and saying one more thing before she turned around and walked into her office.
Seth hugged Emma, who looked a bit lost, confused and maybe a bit paler than usual. She didn't smile, but she didn't look sad either. For the first time ever, Killian wasn't able to read her. When Seth broke the hug and kissed her cheek, walking in the same direction Dr. Atkins did some minutes before, Killian got up and hurried to Emma.
"Everything alright, Vale?"
She looked up, unshed tears in her eyes, which made him insecure. A thousand thoughts rushed through his mind when suddenly a big smile appeared on Emma's face. "I'm discharged," she said, beaming at him, "they told me I made so much progress that I am allowed to leave tonight instead of tomorrow. Of course there are some restrictions, but nevertheless," her eyes bore into his, "I'm going home, Killian. I did it. I'll leave in a few minutes. Seth already packed my bag and did all the paperwork with Dr. Atkins."
Killian was thunderstruck he looked at her with a blank expression, trying to sort his emotions. "Thats-" he tried to pull himself together, to not show her his disappointment. He was happy that she was finally able to go home. He knew what that meant, he knew that this was what she wanted, what she worked so hard for, but at the same time, he was selfish and didn't want to lose her, or to let her go. He knew there was no chance in seeing her ever again; it hurt, but he was in no position to show her his inner turmoil. "That's bloody fantastic, Emma." He pulled her in a quick hug before he stepped back and looked at her awkwardly. "Well, I'll leave you then. You might want to say goodbye to Hattie and the others."
"Yeah," Emma said, her smile already gone. She felt terrible for leaving, for letting go and moving on while Killian was stuck here. She watched him walk back to Jeremiah, but had no possibility to go to him or do anything else as Hattie approached her and started to congratulate her immediately.
Wrong, it felt so wrong. After saying goodbye to Dr. Atkins, Hattie and the other patients around, Emma followed Seth to the exit. She wanted to have a moment alone with Killian, but it seemed he preferred to play chess instead of saying goodbye.
Disappointed, Emma looked around one last time. Funnily enough she had to admit, she would miss this place. She had some fond memories, she made a new friend here (who was still avoiding her) and although she always knew she didn't belong here, she had felt accepted.
"Honey, do you need an extra minute?" Seth's voice was calm and understanding.
Emma only nodded, not even looking at him.
"How about you take your time and I'll bring your stuff downstairs and wait in the car?"
Emma nodded again, not trusting her voice. Why did she feel so sad? Why wasn't she beyond excited? She was going home. Not to her home in this reality, no, she was going home to Storybrooke. She was going to see her parents again, her brother, Henry, Regina and her husband. She was sure about it. A small smile appeared on her face. She nodded to herself, looking around one last time before she pushed the door open.
She didn't want to say goodbye to Killian. It seemed he didn't want to and so she accepted his wish. She didn't even trust herself. Dr. Atkins had warned her that Killian might be a obstacle in her way of getting better. Until now she didn't think so, but leaving him was harder than expected - leaving him felt wrong.
The moment she stepped on the landing she heard the door open again.
"Swan! Wait."
Emma stopped dead in her tracks, turning around slowly and staring into Killian's eyes, shocked.
"What did you just call me?" She stepped closer, her eyes widening. "Why did you call me Swan?"
Killian knitted his brows in confusion. "I- I don't know. It just felt right; kind of natural to me."
"My- my husband always called me Swan. It is my name in my other life. Emma Swan." Irritated, she stepped even closer, placing a hand on his chest and studying his face closely.
"How did you know, Killian?"
"I- I didn't know, Emma. You have to believe me, I don't know why I called you Swan. As I said before, it just felt right in that moment." He boldly brushed a loose strand behind her ear. "At least it worked and you stopped running."
"I wasn't running. I was leaving, Killian, I am discharged. I am going home, I am leaving this place once for all.
"Without even saying goodbye?" Killian's question was harsh but Emma had no intention of fighting with him. Instead, she answered his question with a calm and steady voice.
"You didn't seem to mind and I didn't want to interrupt your game."
Killian shook his head; his heart was pounding in his chest. He didn't want to let her go. He felt hurt, felt alone and he was thankful for having a little privacy on the staircase.
"I'll miss you, Emma."
"I'll miss you too, Killian." The two of them stood so closely, there was literally no space between them. Without thinking, they leaned in the same moment, their lips connecting, sparks erupting around them. Emma's eyes were closed; all memories she so often dreamed about at night were rushing through her brain, but this time she saw her husband next to her. She saw him fighting shoulder-to-shoulder, saw him flirting with her, climbing the beanstalk with her. She heard his voice and felt his fingers, his hook, his lips - Killian!
She opened her eyes abruptly. The Earth stopped spinning again. She looked around and saw that she was lying in a hospital bed, Killian staring at her with his mouth open and his eyes wide. A big smile appeared on his face the next moment. "Swan," he breathed and hugged her suddenly, "You are back. You are awake."
Several moments passed without them breaking their hug or them saying anything, a comfortable silence surrounding them. It felt so good remembering, it felt so good being back in her husband's arms, but there was one question Emma was curious about. "Killian, why am I in this hospital bed; what happened?"
Killian's eyes went wide. The last weeks were the hardest in his life - never before had he experienced something like that. Seeing Emma lying in that bed, he was unable to reach out to her; he could only watch her sleep while hoping he wouldn't lose her and that she would wake up in time. He looked at her again, studying her face and stroking her cheek in a lovely way.
He still couldn't believe that she was awake and sitting right in front of him, looking as beautiful as always, with her disheveled hair and rumpled nightgown. But at the same time he was concerned, Whale's words still lingering in his head, "We do not know for sure if there will be any consequences like brain damage or so".
Killian raised his eyebrows in confusion, looking at her concerned and alarmed. "What is the last you remember, my love?"
He watched her press her lips into a thin line as she thought about his question - it was a telltale sign that she did not know what to say, and that she was holding back something. What wasn't she telling him and why wouldn't she tell him? "Uhm, I think that is a good question and I also think I need a bit of time answering it properly."
Killian raised his brows in confusion, but was not able to ask any further questions, as the door opened and Dr. Whale approached the room.
From that moment on, Emma had to undergo a lot of tests, and answer a bunch of questions. It was finally the afternoon when they were finally alone again.
Killian watched her observing him closely, her eyes roaming over him as if she were looking for something. She had mentioned being in an alternate reality, but without giving him any details. He was curious, but he knew better than to pressure her. Sitting with Emma and stroking her hair absentmindedly while she was talking to her parents on the phone, they waited for her test results.
A while later, Dr. Whale came back once again, telling them that Emma was totally fine, but she would have to rest for a few days.
"I bet you'd like to go home now, love," Killian gathered,
lovingly kissing her temple.
Emma's eyes lit up, and she looked up at him as a big smile appeared on her face. "You have no idea."