Olivia realizes how big of a role Cassidy played in her life and how much she wants him back.
Song:
How do I Breathe by Mario
Lyrics Slightly Changed to fit Olivia's Point Of View (Not my Song)
How do I Breathe? Yea. How do I Breathe? Feels so different being here. I was so used to being next to you. Life for me is not the same. There's no one to turn to.
Olivia dropped her purse on the stand next to her door as she entered her apartment. The very same apartment that she'd bought with Brian now it was only hers. She sighed as she tried not to think about it and how empty it now felt but it was hard not to think about when she saw him in almost everything there. Sure he had taken all of his things except the stuff they bought together but that didn't change the fact that she still saw him in certain things she had still lying around.
For instance she heard his voice when she wore that blue sweater in the back of her closet saying "That has got to be my favorite sweater of yours and you never seem to wear it enough." What she remembered even more was that she had made a rude remark of "Well that's because I don't plan my outfits according to what you do and don't like." She realized that it was rude but she wasn't going to apologize because she knew he would put up with it and she was having a pretty crappy day.
When she and Cassidy had broken up (or rather when he broke up with her) she figured it was no big deal, she was a big girl and she didn't need anyone especially not a man. But thinking about it now she guessed that was a part of the problem. She was so caught up in being prideful and making sure he as well as everyone else around knew that she didn't NEED him that she was missing out on the actual relationship and making him feel like he was disposable. She was wrong.
Don't know why I let it go too far. Starting over it's so hard. Seems like everywhere I try to go I keep thinking of you.
It had only been a week and Olivia was missing his presence (less than that but she wasn't going to admit it that soon).She didn't like the emptiness inside of her considering she had spent most of her life alone. She couldn't explain it. She wasn't too sure she wanted to think about it too much because deep down she knew the black hole of sadness was from the absence of Cassidy, so she left it alone. She didn't call or text to make sure he was okay she just tried to act like he never existed and that hurt him as well.
Her lack of communication or even the lack of interest she showed in saving their relationship burned. It just confirmed that he was just a pawn in her life, he was just like all the other guys she'd had in her life. Brian wondered if she would be able to love anyone ever.
Olivia was frustrated. It had been three weeks and she couldn't stop thinking of him. Everything about him. She was feed up with it. Surely these feelings were supposed to be gone right? She smelled him and his body wash when she as taking showers, she saw his smile when she slept, she felt his comforting embrace when she had a bad case and she heard his kind words of encouragement when she felt down. She even pictured them old and still together as she saw an older couple walking through the park one morning. Olivia Benson didn't carry strong feelings for anything but her job .Or did she?
I just had a wakeup call. Wishing that I never let you fall. Baby you are not to blame at all when I'm the one that pushed you away. Maybe if you knew I cared you'd have never went nowhere. Boy I should've been right there.
She was miserable, she knew it and so did everyone else she came into contact with. It showed in the way she walked (She didn't have that pep in her step that had come about when she started dating Brian), the smile that also came along with dating him was rarely ever seen , the sparkle and flame in her eyes was now only a dim little candle light and she was beyond grouchy.
Everyone at the office had known that Liv and Cassidy had split but none of them knew any details of the break up and she preferred to keep it that way. Olivia didn't even know how they knew but she had summed it all up to the strange way shed been acting.
On the especially lonely days where she felt like half of her whole being was gone the side that was still there screamed at her to call him or at least shoot him a text. And she did want to because she missed him and it hurt to know she hadn't tried to keep him by her side. The thing was that she kept replaying their argument over and over in her head and she wasn't sure if he would even talk to her.
She had just come home and found him sitting on the couch. She didn't even acknowledge him she just put away her things and went into the kitchen to grab something to drink. That left him with the responsibility to speak up. "Hey" he put out to her.
She didn't reply as soon as she heard the greeting but continued with what she was doing and a little later came to sit at the couch in the opposite corner as him with her drink in one hand and a file in the other. "Hey" she finally spoke back as she started looking over the file that now took up her attention.
"Olivia we need to talk" he said cautiously because God knows how snappy she was when he had something to say about her doing wrong .EVEN if he was right.
Not for one moment was Brian a weak man. He simply put up with Olivia's crap because he was in love with her but he'd had enough.
"About what Brian" she retorted and looked up at him slightly annoyed.
"You. Me. About us."
"Okay, what about us?"
He sighed and said "We aren't functioning as well as we should be. I miss us the way we were BEFORE!"
She squinted at him "What do you mean before. Before what?" though she had a pretty good idea of what he meant.
"Before Elliot came back Liv" he said somewhat frustrated.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" she yelled at him.
Now becoming extremely impatient with her lack knowledge about what was going on with them. He raised his voice back at her "You know damn well what I am talking about Olivia. YOU KNOW! Ever since he came back it's like…"
"It's like what?" she asked shooting daggers at him.
"Like you somehow have to prove to him and everyone else that you are fine. That him leaving didn't hurt. And that you don't need anyone. You are trying so hard to prove that you are okay on your own when it wouldn't hurt to have someone by your side. Why can't you prove it to him by showing him you have moved on and that you've found happiness in someone else? Why do you have to bring the tough act home?" he rambled off to her.
All he got in response was a heated glare and "I don't need anyone else and there was nothing to move on from" when she knew everything he had just said was true. But she was still in a state of denial and pride.
At that a look of immense hurt appeared on his face but it was soon replaced with more anger." Out of all the things I said the fact that that was all you hung on too proves that everything I just said was right"
Out of him came a bitter laugh and he continued with "Why are you even here? Why are we even in a relationship? You don't even care about me and you sure as hell don't seem to care about this relationship or whatever this is you won't even cut back the time you stay at work."
"Brian stop being so insecure it's not a good trait on you." Was all the reply he got.
He shook his head and stood up from the couch "Olivia I'm going to say this slowly and I mean EVERY WORD I'm about to say to you" he stated as moved around the couch heading for the hall that lead into their room but he stopped. "I don't really know what more I can say to you to make you understand that I love you and miss the great days we had together before you had something to prove if you don't start putting more effort into this…into us I will leave. I can't sit around and wait for you to love me back when it may not even be coming. With that being said in a weeks' time if nothing changes we are over and I pray to GOD something ANYTHING changes because I really do love you with everything in me." He turned back around and waited for a reply but all that came was dead silence so he walked off leaving her with "Good Night Olivia".
And true to his word he let a week pass. A defeating week for him because nothing at all had changed. Olivia was too bent on not giving in to his ultimatum and she wasn't really sure he'd leave anyway. So she kept working her long hours and at the end of the week came home to find all of his things gone and a note on the fridge that read.
'Olivia you don't understand how much it hurts me to leave you and leave a relationship that I so desperately wanted to work. Sorry for wasting your time and I truly hope that you can find someone to love you at least half as much as I did and that you can love back. ~Love Brian'
That was the last time either of them had spoken or even heard from the other and she now regretted it deeply.
How do I breathe without you here by my side? How will I see when your love brought me to the light? Where do I go when your hearts where I lay my head? …
Boy I'm losing my mind. Yes I made a mistake. I thought that you would be mine. Guess the joke was on me.
She had tried calling him. ALOT. There was never a reply except for the one time when a female answered sounding out of breath and Olivia had hung up. That had made her chest tighten and she noticed a few stray tears make their way down her cheek. She supposed he couldn't stay single forever and he really did deserve someone to love him back. But SHE loved him and it was never that she didn't she was just scared to show it because with Elliot coming back she did feel she had something to prove and all those feelings of betrayal from someone she trusted so much had come flooding back. She just wasn't sure she was ready to be hurt like that again. She should've known better than to think that way about Brian and to throw away their relationship based off something that happened with another man who she couldn't even place in the same category as Brian, but it was too late he was someone else's.
As she went into work the next day she looked even worse than Nick had ever seen her. He'd had enough. He walked over to her desk and said "Just call him Liv. This is unbearable. I know I don't know everything that happened between you but I do know that that man made you smile and laugh more than I'd ever seen before and I'd like to see it again."
"It's too late. He's moved on."
"Olivia even I can tell that the man was completely and utterly in love with you. I can guarantee that he has NOT moved on in two months."
She put her head down almost on the verge of tears. "He left me because I wouldn't fight for our relationship it's too late now." It was said so softly he almost didn't hear it.
He looked at her as though she was stupid. "If you don't fight for him now you will never forgive yourself and you will be putting him through a lot more hurt than you know. He wanted to know you cared and that you thought of him worthy of a fight show him now!"
He got no reply "Go NOW Olivia because until you fix this you will not be able to work. Your head is not in the game like it should be."
She knew he was right so she gathered her stuff and got out of her chair. On her way out of the precinct she ran into Elliot.
"Hey Liv where are you in so much of a rush to?"
"Where I should've been rushing to a long time ago."
I miss you so bad I can't sleep. I wish I knew where you could be. Another girl is replacing me. God this can't be happening. I just had a wakeup call. Wishing that I never let you fall. Baby you are not to blame at all when I'm the one that pushed you away. Maybe if you knew I cared you'd have never went nowhere. Boy I should've been right there.
She showed up to his apartment door in about 20 minutes, half of which she spent in the car trying to gather up the courage to go in the building. She took a deep breathe mentally preparing herself for what was about to happen. Olivia finally knocked on the door and waited patiently. She heard rustling behind the door soon after she knocked and a tall woman with green eyes and long black hair opened the door. The woman had slight dimples, long tan legs, perfect teeth, and she didn't appear to have anything on but a shirt she remembered to be Brian's. In fact the shirt she had on was Olivia's favorite to wear and she was quite upset when Brian had packed it up to take with him.
Olivia was startled out of her thoughts when the mystery woman said "Hi can I help you?"
"Um I was just looking for Brian, but you seem kind of busy so bye." She said as she heard the slow music playing in the background. She had made the assumption that Brian and his "New Girlfriend" (or whatever she was) were in the middle of something.
But the semi perky raven haired girl simply said "No just hold on a sec" then she called out "Bri, there's someone here to see you.
Not a minute later Brian appeared from the back of the apartment and made his way to the door. "Kennedy would you please go get your clothes out of my bathroom" he whispered as to not notify their company of her disorganization. He then took up her spot at the door and looked out shocked at who he saw.
"Olivia" he stated "What are you doing here?"
"I umm came to talk to you"
"Oh now you'd like to talk. What do you need help on a case or something? Because we all know that Olivia Benson doesn't like to talk to Brian Cassidy unless it benefits her."
The harshness in his tone was very obvious and Olivia knew she deserved it. So she just continued with a question "Who is that?"
"Why does it matter to you?" he spoke with anger in his voice.
"I called and it sounded like she answered." She spoke low.
"Your point? Why are you so concerned with my life now you couldn't care less when we were in a relationship if that was even what you called it?"
"Brian it was a relationship and I'm sorry for everything I put you through I was an ass for the way I treated you." She confessed.
"Yea you could say that again. You were an enormous asshole. I think you should've gotten an award or something." He said anger still rolling off of him.
"I get that and again I'm so very sorry. You didn't deserve any of the things I threw your way. You were the best boyfriend and best friend anyone could ask for and I threw it away like a dummy. A stupid stupid dummy. " she took a breathe and continued "Brian I just wanted you to know I loved you , I STILL love you and its saddening to have to realize that after you left me. I want you to know nothing I did was because I didn't love you. It was all because of my damn pride. You were right about the Elliot thing. I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't feel the need to prove myself to someone who didn't care about me enough to even say bye. My pride in being independent now has me alone and without someone I have seen myself being with forever."
"Liv" he tries to say but she cuts him off.
"No Bri, let me finish. I am so disappointed in myself. I had the most wonderful life partner anyone could imagine having and I let him go. I don't think I will EVER find someone as amazing, attentive, caring, brave, and patient enough to deal with me as you were. And that is something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. You deserve to have someone just as beautiful as you are to take care of you and I hope that's what you have found in her." Her words became caught in her throat as she began to cry.
"I let my fears of being dependent like my mother ruin the best thing I had going for me. I am sorry that I didn't acknowledge it sooner. I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy the way you made me. I'm sorry I didn't give you the attention you needed from me. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I put you through so much pain. I'm sorry that you had to love me. And I'm sorry that you couldn't find all the good qualities you possess inside of me and that you had to find them elsewhere." She sniffled and tried to stop the running tears down her face but it was pointless they just kept coming.
Her heart broke and her chest tightened as he just stood there looking at her. He had no response and she couldn't read his seemingly emotionless face and that told her all she needed to know. That he was long over her and he didn't care anymore about what happened in their two year relationship.
She nodded her head and was turning to leave when she said "I hope she can give you everything you need. I will miss you."
As she started the walk back down the hall to the elevator doors she heard "We aren't together."
She stopped and turned around "What?"
"The girl inside." He nodded his head towards the apartment door. "We aren't together."
"Oh" She replied and looked down at her feet.
"She's my 16 year old niece." He stated flatly. "It's actually disgusting to think about her that way."
She looked up shocked "I am so sorry Brian. She doesn't look 16 at all."
"Stop apologizing" came his annoyed tone.
"I'm sor-. Right." She put up her hands.
I can't get over you no. Baby I don't want to let go. Boy you need to come home. Back to me cause boy you made it hard to breathe. When you're not with me.
He sighed and took a few steps closer to her "Olivia what was your purpose for coming here? Besides to apologize. What did you want to come out of this?"
She coughed to clear her throat and spoke again "I wanted another chance to be a better person and a better girlfriend. To make a better us." Olivia couldn't hold eye contact with him for too long so she again found her feet to be very interesting.
Brian wasn't having it though and reached forward to lift up her chin to make her eyes meet his. "We were great together. I didn't feel like you totally neglected me or our relationship but I do think there we something's you could've worked on. That WE could've worked on together." Brian moved his hand up to her cheek and she leaned into his touch something she had been missing for weeks.
"I still love you too and I pictured myself with you forever as well. I would love to give us another chance at being happy together but you have to know that things can't go back to the way they were just like that" she looked up at him with a somewhat panicked look but he calmed her fears with a hug.
"I'm not saying we can't try this out but we aren't going to be doing things the way we did before. We will take our time and move slow. Both of us will stay in our respective apartments, we will go on dates, and if we are serious about this we will be more willing to cut out work sometimes to make time for us."
"I think I can manage that." She responded with a smile.
"Oh." He said kind of low.
"What?" she questioned and again looked up at him.
"Well there's one more thing that will definitely change our relationship."
"What is it?" her heart started beating fast again.
"I have guardianship of Kennedy. Her parents gave me custody of her. Her mom is in Iraq and her dad, my brother, died. I really do love you but if that's something you can't deal with tell me now because no matter what I'm going to be there for that girl." He said sternly.
"Oh god I thought you were going to say something like you got someone pregnant. NO that's very okay no problem at all. She seems sweet."
"She really is and she is an excellent cook." He thought for a moment. "Would you like to meet her formally?
"Yes of course" and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they walked back to the apartment.
"You know Amaro called me?"
"No what did he say?"
"That you were coming and to hear you out."
"Well remind me to thank him" she said as they entered the apartment and shut the door behind them.
How Do I Breathe?
Sorry For All of The Misspellings and any incorrect Grammar. I only own Kennedy. The rest is Dick Wolfs.