It should be noted now, at the beginning that is, that Sheldon Cooper PhD. Had absolutely nothing to do with the following:
How Leonard (also known as Captain Dynaman – repetitive but it soothed his ego) decided to risk absolutely everything, up to and including the revelation of their collective secret identities. How Howard (Thrust the Barbarian) managed with his usual aplomb to sexually assault not your average woman and thus gained his spectacular black eye. Or how Raj (Shaman Lad) was tasked with the victory speech as it were for their adoring fans (an abnormally large amount of them women).
But mostly, Sheldor the Destroyer wants it well known that it was most definitely through no fault of his own that his arch nemesis (one of many), Queen Penelope, was sitting in their secret lair, on a Wednesday, i.e. Halo Night, in. His. SPOT.
It began, in the way of many of their lunch breaks, with a friendly discourse on the merits of secret identities.
"It is, as you all know, imperative to remain cloaked in secrecy when one is a super hero. You need only glance at any of the seed material. Must I remind you all about Flash issue #207?"
Raj chewed and nodded thoughtfully, Howard tried to leer at the new cafeteria lady through the crowd, and Leonard, if possible, looked more dejected.
"Well what if, you know, a super hero, happened to fall in love with a charming, and absolutely harmless, neighbour. In this particular scenario would it be alright to reveal a secret identity because the super hero's real life doesn't really seem to be working with her?"
"No. It wouldn't. And need I remind you Leonard, air quotations are the absolute bane of not only the grammatical universe but subterfuge in any form as well. Must I organize another clinic on secrecy?"
Raj ceased chewing and looked mildly panicked. Howard succeeded at leering by kneeling on his chair and craning his neck. Leonard shook his head (dejectedly) and rose from the table (morosely) and slumped out of the cafeteria (dolefully).
Sheldon returned to his meal.
"I can't drive you. Penny and I are supposed to watch Gossip Girl together. She doesn't have a DVR and she works on Mondays so I taped it for her."
"While that is all very nice, I believe the current ongoing robbery at Citibank in Washington Park supersedes the exceedingly tenuous hope that Penny, upon viewing the Gossip Girl episodes you have lain at her feet like some misanthropic, pop culture laden offering, will be overcome with passion and throw herself bodily upon you so that you may consummate your love."
"Fine, just let me grab my costume."
"Uniform Leonard! It is a uniform."
"I will not tolerate this! This is makes an absolute mockery of all the unspoken rules of super heroes!"
"Dude, so you guys were a little late? It's all taken care of now and, tell you what; you can have the next one."
"Regardless! I heard the announcement on the police scanner at 5:02, and proceeded to call dibs, no take backs. Now what time, specifically, did you stumble upon my robbery in progress?"
"Sweetie, calm down or you'll bust out of your tights."
Sheldor the Destroyer fumed from the shadows of a nearby alleyway. She always did this! Sheldor and his squad of super heroes would do all the ground work then in Queen Penelope would swoop.
"Your Majesty," Thrust stepped forward, sketching an elaborate bow while grasping her pleather clad hand "As always your bodacious bod and butt-kicking attitude is akin to your queenly sister Boudicca."
Queen Penelope retracted her hand from his grasp, causing Thrust to stumble head first as his attempt to molest her appendage was foiled. "Gross."
"This is simply unacceptable! I'll have you know, as soon as Captain Dynaman has driven me back to our secret lair I will be writing a very strongly worded e-mail to the American Society of Super Heroes."
"Oh blow it out your ass."
"Sheldor, maybe you should be nice to Queen Penelope, she did stop that robber from shooting you."
"Nonsense Dynaman, I would have simply bent the laws of physics to my will and caused the bullet to veer upwards at an intense angle."
"Oh I guess so." Leaning in conspiratorily "Be nice Sheldon, she's wearing a catsuit!"
Sheldor immediately gasped and backed away from the careless Captain Dynaman. "I can't believe you would endanger my secret identity like that! That's it! tomorrow at six thirty will be the first session of our refresher clinic on the importance of secrecy. Attendance is mandatory."
Shaman Lad meeped. Thrust the Barbarian continued to study the aforementioned cat suit. Captain Dynaman slouched further and sighed.
Queen Penelope on the other hand.
"You know what? Screw this! I come out to the big city for my acting career and thought I'd just lend a hand to the local heroes. But nooooo! I am tired, I just pulled a double shift, my car is blinking at me, I haven't had a date in FOUR months! And I just missed Gossip Girl! Again!"
"If I may be so bold," Thrust had recovered from his slight imbalance and was back in form for his second attempt. "I'd be glad to help relieve some that, sexual tension, as it were."
Before his eyebrows ceased to waggle Thrust was blown backwards into Captain Dynaman who tottered into Shaman Lad who stumbled balefully into the ever-growing crowd just as the Police Chief announced that this horrendous crime was stopped thanks to the efforts of Sheldor the Destroyer, Queen Penelope, Captain Dynaman, Thrust the Barbarian and... wait... There he is folks! And the notoriously reclusive Shaman Lad!
Queen Penelope left directly after this statement.
Sheldor, Dynaman, and Thrust lingered in the alley way, watching with a remote interest as Shaman Lad blushed and stuttered and mimed.
Then Thrust wandered over to his Barbarian Scooter and set off to his home before curfew and Sheldor insisted they get home before midnight so as to not impact his sleep cycle too horribly.
When they arrived at the vehicle they were both respectively surprised and infuriated to see Queen Penelope perched on the hood.
"My car finally gave out, so I need a ride. I mean you kinda owe me from earlier." Sheldor opened his mouth to put to rest that completely unfounded lie but Dynaman elbowed him sharply and proceeded to graciously welcome her Majesty to his car.
"Yeah, yeah. I call shotgun."
Speechless with outrage, Sheldor watched in dismayed astonishment as Dynaman opened the passenger side door and ushered her in.
"You know I get car sick if I don't sit up front Dynaman! Your severely misplaced gallantry is just doing you more harm in the long run. I cannot guarantee I can keep down my Pad Thai from earlier. I just cannot."
"Just, get in the back. She's really hot OK?"
Sheldor did get in the back. But he would like to make it perfectly clear it was under extreme protest.
"Seriously Leonard? Captain Dynaman?"
"It was supposed to be a secret!"
"I simply cannot believe a waitress would have the capacity to rid the mean streets of Pasadena of crime."
"Yeah, well believe it Sheldon! I can't believe you wear a utility belt!"
"It's handy!"
After Leonard had stormed out, Penny having made a cutting remark on his much beloved cape, she proceeded to remove her mask. Sheldon supposed they were rather superfluous now that they had both been outed as their alter-ego, and tentatively removed his own.
He immediately noted, not for the first time, how odd it was that he could be so powerful as Sheldor and feel so impotent as Sheldon. He also noted Penny did seem tired. And perhaps a bit sad.
"I would like to clarify my previous statement." Penny looked up from the increasingly tempting couch to find Sheldon (seriously he's Sheldor the Destroyer?) looking at her expectantly.
"Shoot."
"While I still find it utterly inappropriate for another super heroe to renege on the unspoken rule of dibs, I find myself not completely without admiration for your prowess in battle."
"I think that means you think I'm good at fighting?"
"Approximately, yes."
"Thanks sweetie, you too. "
Then there was a moment. Or perhaps a moment. Because Penny had to look up at Sheldon even when she was wearing her boots for Queen Penelope, and he kinda looked awesome in a skinny batman sort of way. And Sheldon thought that while Penny's eye's had bags under them this did nothing to detract from the rather pretty green of her eyes.
Then Penny looked away and sat down on the couch, the day had been ridiculously long and weird. Little did she know it would be just a little bit longer, as Sheldon's shoulder's stiffened under his black unitard and he opened his mouth.