One Piece meets Clerks meets Pineapple Express. Two friends at a dead in job get in to some deep $#!%. Full of twists, turns, shootings, makin love, good jokes, bad jokes, and Sanji with the personality of a crackhead.
Reminder: All characters wear modern clothes.
Disclaimer:
I do not own anything.
Reissued.
Redone. (Kinda)
Re-mastered. (Don't care)
Hope you like it if you haven't read it yet. If you've already read this before, read it again. Why not?
Chapter 1: "At least we saw some T&A while we worked there."
This story takes place in a city in one of 50 states united by people who speak american. But not in Alaska or Hawaii. Today we find our homies in a crappy quick stop store in a quiet rural area of the city on a Friday afternoon.
"Luffy!!!!!!" Zoro walked out of the back freezer with an empty box marked - "Frozen Food", pissed off as can be. "Where are all the frozen pot pies dumbass!?!?"
Said dumbass was laid back in a casual manner behind the cash counter, tilting his chair and reading a magazine marked "Busty Beauties." He looked up with a lazy expression, "I ate'em." Zoro's face exploded with anger, "WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN YOU ATE THEM!!!!!" Luffy had now an even lazier look, "What the hell you mean 'what the fuck you mean you ate them!' I. Ate. Them. Like I said, simple grammar and sentences dude, get a grip. Don't make me apply you for a 'help retarded people be not so retarded' program."
Zoro was livid "What the hell was that?! Something you pulled out of your ass?! And how could you eat frozen food if we have nothing in the store to warm it up!! If you eat them raw you'll throw up!!" Luffy bent down quick and threw up in a nearby garbage can as Zoro was talking.
"What? Repeat that I had to throw up. Dude,*ugh*(exhale/burp)whoa! It must be something I ate."
"Luffy, I WILL kill you if we get fired from this job!"
"Who sells pot pies in a quick stop anyways?"
"YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!"
"Dude chillax we ain't gonna get fired."
"That's what you said at the last job, and at Pizza Hut, and at Burger King, and at the ice cream parlor in the mall!!!"
"Maybe we shouldn t work where there's food."
"WE FUCKIN' TRIED THAT TOO, AND YOU GOT US FIRED!"
"Oh yeah! The-Lingerie-Department!" Luffy chuckled as he said it in a I-think-Im-cool-but-Im-really-a-dork way.
"Don't remind me shithead" Zoro seemed to cry at the memory, "It was the perfect job! A guy's dream!" 'sorrow' in his voice.
"At least we saw some T&A while we worked there."
Zoro looked at him darkly "YOU did, that s why we got fired." his hiss was low and slightly homicidal. He thought about his situation ("Why the hell am I stuck with this dumbass!? I know I was tight with his brother in collage but when he asked for a place to stay when he blew up his apartment I figured it be fine. I did owe his bro for saving my life once.") He looked at the 'dumbass', now making a paper hat out of the magazine with the nude pictures showing, ("but I had no idea he would cause so much hell!")
Then they heard a familiar voice muffled by the store walls shouting outside.
"Hey kids! Need some Weed?!! I got all yous want but it ain't for free!"
Author's Note: Sanji and Usopp are dressed up like Jay and Silent Bob.
Zoro and Luffy went outside and saw Sanji and Usopp hanging out next to the store entrance. "What are you two doing?" Zoro didn't like Sanji that much since the first time he met him when Ace introduced them to each other, but he was funny some times. Sanji was in his usual outfit as was Usopp, leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette. Next to him was their boom box with their iPod plugged into it, playing "Got Money by Lil Wayne. Sanji was dancing to the beat, rather badly, moving up and down while bobbing his head side to side. Then he noticed his new 'audience'. Sanji was happy to see his childhood friend Luffy as well as Zoro, the dude Ace always talked about how cool he was. Usopp was a childhood friend of Luffy's as well.
"Wha-ho! Snuchies-Buchies and Greetings Tidings bitches!! What brings you to this Fine-Glass-O'-Wine establishment?"
Zoro seemed annoyed. "We work here dumbass."
"Whoa, what a cowinki-dink! So do we!.......Hey you're not sellin the same shit we're sellin are you?! If so my cohort and I will have to defend our territory! Hey biz-nich! Play some fightin tunes!"
Sanji put up his fists, ready to die for his hood. And then the Numa-Numa song started to play.
"Mya he! Mya hu! Mya ho! Mya ha ha!"
"What the fuck!! No No No! Turn that shit off man!!"
Startled himself, Usopp quickly changed the song to the more appropriate "Scream Aim Fire by Bullets for My Valentine. "Helz yeah! Now this is a song you can get your ass kicked to!"
Zoro was now even more pissed at the antics of dumbass and dumber-dumbass. "We work inside the store dipshit!"
Sanji was reluctant at the info. "Oh.....Ok why the helz didn't you say so? I'd hate to have to kill my bud! Yo D-gay change that shit back to somin funk-ay."
Usopp again changed the song, now "OHOHOHO by Zombie Nation.
"OOOOOO. Me likey" Sanji started to do an extremely bad robot while Usopp bobbed his head in the background.
"So wazz nu bigges(g pronounced like a j)" Sanji still doing the robot.
Luffy now talked "Nothing much Sanji, can't complain."
At this Sanji was alarmed pointing his finger at Luffy threateningly "Hey, hey, hey,..hey,.......hey. Don't be shoutin my name like I'm makin love to ya man! There's people I know who think I'm a good kid. Can't have snitches fuckin that up! Know what Im sayin?" Sanji looked around suspiciously to make sure no one heard his friend. "Whatever" was all Zoro snorted but Luffy looked intrigued. "So what do you go by?" Sanji looked at him with the ut-most seriousness. "Durin my runs,..... they call me Sanj"
"Hahahahahahahaha!!! You're such a dumbass!" Zoro couldn't help but laugh. "What makes you think no one will recognize you just because you took the i off your name! You still look the same too stupid! Hahahaha!."
Sanji- I mean SANJ looked at him as if he were insulted more than angry. "Duh! You think I didn't think about that? I m not stupid. But I figured if they were to suspect me they WOULD think I would use a better code name so Sanj is perfect! They'll never suspect a thing!"
Zoro held his wail of laughter this time. "Right..... you could have fooled me.*pft* *heha* Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!"
Ignoring Zoro, Luffy continued his intrigue "So what's Usopp's code name?"
Sanj grinned "Well you know how he don't talk much ever since his mom put soap down his throat when he lied about who shot her favorite dog, "Mister Woozynuts" the Poodle, when he was little and I always make fun of him for not talking?"
"Yeah........." Luffy was getting drawn in every second.
"So I decided Mute Sopp be the perfect name for'em." (Mute Sopp is kind of lame but it s all I could come up with without using the word silent.)
"Hahahahahahaha!!! Mute Sopp?! Shit you're stupid! Hahahahahaha!!" Zoro's sides were hurting at Sanj's stupidity. This was the funny that made Zoro like 'Sanj' sometimes.
Sanj looked at him " Watch who ya talkin to, or I'd have to mess up ya fa-.......... Well helloooooooooooo!!" He became ecstatic.
Sanj had a right to stare. All the other guys did too, even Mute Sopp.
"Two sexy ladies walkin down the street. Breasts full and booties pumping!" Sanj bit his bottom lip in a pervy way while doing the 'Zing!' pose (you don't know what that is its ok. Not really worth explaining). The two women continued to walk down the sidewalk towards the guys. One was younger than the other but probably not by much with size C verging towards D cup breasts and orange hair down to her shoulders (Guess who). The other woman was probably in her mid or late 20s with an even bigger breast size than her friend's. She was more tan than her friend was and had long jet black hair (Guess who again).
They started to pass though the group in front of them. Sanj looked back at Mute Sopp. "Yo smoky! Go to "Sanj's Classics" playlist! Track 3!" Mute Sopp quickly went to the list on the ipod and pressed play on track 3.
"So Hot" by Kid Rock started to play.
"Hey babies you hungry!? Hows bout a Sanj sandwich?!!" Sanj started to do pelvic thrusts and rotations while using his fingers to circle where his nipples would be though his shirt. Then he started to sing with the song in perfe- scratch that, shitty harmony. "You know cause ya so hot! I wanna getcha alone! Ya know ya so hot! I wanna getchu stoned! So hot! I wanna be yor friend! I wanna fuck like I neva gonna see ya again!!!"
The girls giggled in delight at the 'entertainment'. The orange haired girl even tossed a PENNY at him as they continued to walk away. Sanj felt insulted. "Hey cheap ho! That was at least worth a quarter! Can't even buy weed wit dis man!" He mumbled the last sentence as he walked away in defeat.
As the girls continued to walk away something happened as they passed Luffy and Zoro. The orange haired girl smiled at Luffy as the raven did to Zoro. Luffy turned red slightly, trying to control himself, while Zoro seemed a little shocked. It's not that Zoro didn't like girls just that none of them seemed that interested in him or paid that much attention to him. The girls continued walking without stopping and crossed the street. Sanj looked at them in amazement. "What the hell!!!! You guys did shit and got a smile from'em?!?! Fuck that I m quitin bitches man!" The other 3 guys looked at him.
"That don't mean Im switchin to dudes!!!! Always got masturbation!! Fuck! You bitches all up in my biz-nass!!"
Luffy and Zoro ignored Sanj's apparent 'change of sides' and looked back at the out of this world beauties that just gave them both "we're interested" looks. And watched them walk into a bar across the street, shown in by a weird looking man. Sanj looked at the man and noticed something odd.
"Hey! When the hell did he get back in town!?"
The guys looked at him again. "I said I'm not gay!! Fuck, listen to me fo wonce!!" Zoro shook his head. "No not that dumbass. What guy you talkin about?" Sanj jumped back to sanity, "Oh yeah! That dude cross the street escorting the hunnies into the shady bar place." They looked back at the mystery man. Sanj began to explain who he was.
(Let's pay guess who again)
"They say he wears that make-up cause he use to be a wrestler.(Know who yet?) And he keeps wearin it cause one night he accidentally killed another wrestler and so he pays tribute to his fallin comrade by always wearin it. When the wrestling company fired him for endin the otha dude's life he lost everything. He started drug hustlin and pimping to get back to the top...." His voice was so methodic as he spoke as if telling a sad, age-old tale.
Zoro looked at the man, then at Sanj "Whats the clown nose for?" (Know who now?)
Sanj was still low and serious in his voice "It was part of his gimmick. After the incident he was forever known as the killer clown."
Luffy thought for a moment, "What's his name"
They looked at Sanj.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....."
Zoro was surprised, but he really shouldn't have been, "All that and you don't even know his name? You were practically a fuckin walkin Wikipedia a second ago."
Sanj was again insulted, "Hey! I'm not that good with names alright, Zolo?! Shit! All up in my biz-nass...fuckers. Hey Sopp!" Mute Sopp walked over him to whisper the man's name in Sanj's ear "Whats that guy's name again?.....uh..yeah, yeah, yeah, That s it! Boogy! What?...No?....Oh right! Its Buggy that's right man my bad. It's Buggy, I knew that." Even Luffy was no longer impressed at Sanj's 'knowledge'.
Then something popped up in Luffy's head. "Wait if those girls went in the bar with Buggy.... that would mean.." he trailed off. A look of unease and concern came on both his and Zoro's face as they looked back at the bar. "Dude... that sucks for you guys" Sanj and Mute Sopp started to leave. "No" Sanj looked back at what Luffy just said. "What?" Luffy looked angry. "They're not whores. They can't be." Sanj stared for a moment, "Sure looks that way man. Don't worry ya'll can fine some new-" Luffy cut him off, "No! They're not sluts! If...if they are something is wrong. They were too nice and even smiled at us to be whores!" Sanj didn't understand. "Dude they're whores, they re suppose to be nice that s how they get a guy to fuck'em." Luffy was getting angrier "No! I don't believe it!"
Zoro was actually with Luffy on this one. He felt it too. Ace had a since about these things too, ("guess that s where Luffy gets it") he thought.
Luffy started walking to the bar, "I'll prove they aren t whores!" Zoro followed him. Sanj tried to stop them but it was no use "Shit! Rufi! Don't do it! You don't wanna mess wit Booogy. Once you do, he'll get all up in yo biz-nass. Then he'll get all up in MY biz-nass! Fuffy!" He and Mute Sopp ran after Luffy and Zoro heading to the bar with its name in neon lights: "Blueno's Bar".
To be continued
Next Chapter we go into the bar and for now real reason at all we try to save the hoes from OUR assumptions.