(This is a very short one-shot that carries on the Brittana story line from sexy. I wanted to write something that really showed off how weak I think Santana could be after being turned down like she was, especially after telling Brit how she was scared. Anyway, I will let you read it now. If you have any comments or anything please don't hesitate to tell me. Thank you and I hope you enjoy. I do not own Glee or any of the characters.)
"Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?" Santana looked up at Brittany and pleaded with her eyes.
"No, not really."
"I want to be with you… but I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school."
"Honey, if anyone were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words."
Santana sniffed; trying to control the tears that were threatening to fall. "Yeah I know but I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still I have to accept… that I love you." She felt a tear roll down her face. "I love you and I don't want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those other guys; I just want you. Please say you love me back… Please?"
"Of course I love you, I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie."
"Artie?"
"I love him too. I don't wanna hurt him. That's not right; I can't break up with him."
Santana felt a pain rise up in her chest. "Yes you can. He's just a stupid boy!"
"It wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know if Artie and I were to ever break up and I'm lucky enough that you're still single…" Brittany reached out to Santana but she was pushed away by the other girl.
"Don't"
"I am so yours. Proudly so."
"Wow. Whoever thought that being fluent meant that you could be so stuck? " Santana knew it was a low blow but she couldn't bring herself to think properly.
"I'm sorry." Brittany went to hug her best friend. " Don't…"
"Get off me"
"I'm sorry"
As a new round of sobs came over her and the pain present in her chest intensified, Santana turned and ran from the girl she loved.
She didn't know where she was running; she just knew she had to get away from Brittany, away from everyone else. Away from everything.
000
Santana rolled over and slowly lifted her heavy eye lids. She lifted her weak body up to a sitting position on her bed. She didn't remember how she got here. Or, now she thought about it, much of what happened after she ran out of the school building. To be honest she didn't really care.
She looked to the flashing numbers on her alarm clock which told her it was 2:25 pm. She lifted the sheets off of herself and saw that she was still wearing yesterday's clothes. She stumbled wearily to her ensuite bathroom where she turned to the big mirror on the wall above the sink.
Staring back at her she saw a girl with long, knotted, straw-like hair; dark circles under a pair of red, puffy eyes; chapped, dry lips; and a body, wearing dirty clothes, hunched in on itself. Santana wrapped her arms around herself and growled at the girl in the mirror. "You did this to me" she accused the girl. "You did this!" She threw a nearby vase at the mirror with massive force, shattering it into tiny pieces.
Sobs wracked through Santana's body as her legs gave way and she fell to the ground. She bought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them in a vice like hold. She didn't know how long she sat there, staring at a spot on the wall in front of her, slowly rocking back and forwards. It could have been minutes. It could have been days.
All of a sudden, something resting on the edge of the bath caught the girl's attention, and snapped her out of her trance. She slowly released her arms from around her legs and crawled the short distance to the bath. She saw that the thing that had caught her eye was a razor blade. She picked it up and examined it, turning it over softly and slowly in her hands.
She brought the razor blade down to where her legs were resting on the floor. She held the razor blade hovered above the exposed skin of her right thigh. She slowly brought it down to rest on the fleshy skin of her leg. She jerked the blade towards her and gasped slightly as the blade made a small cut in her leg. She saw a bead of blood escape the cut and trickle down her leg.
That's when she felt it. She couldn't name the feeling. She didn't know what it was. But she knew she liked it.
000
Santana started to cut once a week. They were only small cuts, but the feeling it gave her, a feeling of power, of control, was so much better than the numbness she had felt before.
She hooked up with all the guys on the football team. She made fun of Rachel. A lot. She quit glee club and rejoined the Cheerios. She didn't want to be a loser anymore. And, as much as she denied it, she couldn't bear to see Brittany with Artie. Whenever she saw her, her mind rushed back to that day at the lockers when she told Brittany that she loved her. She would feel the sobs building up inside and she would have to run. Run from all of them. Run from the numbness. And that's when she would cut.
000
Santana arrived home from… what was his name again? Santana arrived home from a football player's house mid-morning on a Saturday. She opened up her closet and put together her outfit for her date that night with another football player.
As she got out her makeup bag she started to feel queasy. She grabbed her stomach and ran to the bathroom. She'd made it just in time. When she was done she pushed her hair out of her face and slumped against the wall. She wondered what that had been about. "Probably food poisoning from that crappy take-out pizza I had last night" she mumbled getting to her feet and glugging down a class of water.
She walked back into her bedroom. "Now, which underwear should I wear tonight?"
000
Two weeks later and the sickness in the mornings hadn't stopped. And people were starting to notice.
"You should probably get a pregnancy test" Chantel, a fellow Cheerio, had advised Santana after running into her in the bathroom earlier in the day. Not possible Santana thought to herself. Yeah sure, she slept around, but she wasn't stupid. She didn't want a replay of what happened to Quinn. "I'm not pregnant" Santana told the blonde, Junior upon exiting.
Santana sighed and pulled a rectangular box out of the plastic bag she had just dumped on the bathroom floor. She briefly read the instructions and then pulled the pregnancy test out of its packaging.
She did what the box had said to and waited for it to develop. What Chantel said had haunted her the entire day; although she didn't know why. She'd used protection so why was her gut telling her she needed to take a pregnancy test? By the time the end of school had rolled around, Santana decided why not? There was no harm in making sure and she wanted to put her gut at ease.
She put down her magazine and reached for the pregnancy test. At first she thought it was a mistake, but then she looked again and there it was; a little plus sign. The pregnancy test fell from Santana's fingers as she realised what this meant.
Silent tears started to cascade down her face as a familiar numbness encased her. NO she thought as she reached for her trash can which was filled with used razor blades. In her haste, she knocked over the trash can and the contents spilled out over the bathroom floor.
She grabbed one and, without hesitation, cut deeply into her forearm. She grimaced as the blade made her worst cut yet, but smiled slightly as she saw the scarlet blood trickle down her arm. The pain was the only way she could hold on. It was the only way.
She proceeded to make cuts all over her body, revelling in the comfort of the familiar sensation, until she heard the door open. In stepped a tall girl wearing shorts and a tank top, with blonde hair tied back in a pony tail. She gasped when she saw Santana crouched on the bathroom floor, her body bleeding and the scabs and healing cuts on her skin mingling with the fresh cuts and new blood.
Tears started to fall from the girls eyes at the sight of her friend like this. She rushed over to Santana and leaned over the girl. "What happened? Who did this?" Brittany gasped taking Santana's hand. "Nothing Brit" Santana told the other girl. "…I did it" she confessed bowing her head.
"But why?" Brittany asked, aghast.
"It doesn't matter"
"Of course it matters, Sanny." At the sound of the nickname Brittany had given her, she looked up at the girl. "You can tell me. I promise"
"O-okay." Santana gripped Brittany's hand and when she felt the other girl squeeze it reassuringly she began. "The first time I did this was the day after I told you I loved you. But you wouldn't break up with Artie." Santana lowered her gaze, not able to look Brittany in the eyes. "I don't really know why I did it in the first place. But I realised it felt good, I mean yeah it hurts a little, but I guess it made me feel in control. So whenever I felt out of control, I would cut; and it would help for a while." Santana paused.
"How many times did you do it?"
"At first it was just once a week, but then I started doing it more." Santana looked up at Brittany. "I would do it when I saw you and Artie together." She heard Brittany whimper. "S-so is it my fault?" Brittany whispered. "No" Santana quickly reassured her. "It-it's not your fault you love Artie."
"But I love you too, Sanny." Santana looked up at Brittany. "I came here because I miss you. And I want us to be friends again." Santana's heart fell a little. "But not just friends this time. I-I love you, Sanny."
"Really?"
"Of course I do. And I want us to be together. Forever" Brittany told Santana, grabbing Santana's other hand.
"But what about Artie?" Santana said with real concern.
"We'll figure something out." Brittany smiled.
Santana didn't return the smile. "Brit, there's something else"
"What is it?" When Santana didn't respond Brittany continued. "You can tell me, remember?"
"I-i'm pregnant" Santana said handing Brittany the pregnancy test.
"Like Quinn?"
"Yeah, like Quinn. Apart from I don't know who the daddy is."
"Does the baby need a daddy?" Brittany asked looking up from the pregnancy test.
"No. Why?"
"But it needs a mommy, right?" Santana nodded. "But wouldn't it be better if it had two mommies?" Brittany asked smiling. Pictures of her and Brittany and a little baby popped into Santana's head and she couldn't help but smile. She couldn't deny that she was scared. Hell, this was the most scared she'd ever been in her life; but that picture in her head had made Santana's mind up about what she was going to do.
Santana automatically rubbed her stomach. "Two mommies would be perfect. I love you, Brittany" Santana told her.
"I love you too" Brittany said as they held each other and, finally, their lips found each others. It wasn't their first kiss, but it was the first kiss that meant something. And it was perfect.