"I idolised you Pa…you know that…" She rested her back against the kitchen wall, her usual strength drained, her adult self was diluted away under the gaze of the father she hadn't seen in over a year. Many family gatherings, birthdays and a Christmas had passed without so much of a call, a card or an acknowledgment.
"Janie..." He started, stepping forward he went in to place a hand on her arm. Jane recoiled into herself wrapping her arms around her waste, Frank acknowledged the discomfort and held his hand back from contact before letting it drop with disappointment to his side. He turned away from her with a sadness he knew he was responsible for creating. The sadness was soon replaced with an anger that burned fierce – within only a few moments it had engulfed his whole body.
Jane saw his shoulders straighten, his fists ball, the muscles in his neck and back tense against the shirt. "I…think you should…leave" she said slowly, softly.
"Leave" He barked, spinning to face her, "your kicking you father out onto the streets, this level of disrespect… I never expected this from you Jane" there was still a distance between them, he was no longer an arms width away from contact. The kitchen island separated them.
"You lost my respect Pa, the moment you walked away from your family – disappeared into the night. You left us to pick up the pieces of the mess that was our world, a world your destroyed." Janes own anger was now present, "Ma was out on the streets Pa, left with the debt you'd clocked up over the years…left with the shame…"
"Shame…" Frank cut off his daughter, "you don't know shame Janie!" The name was said in a manor so different to the earlier utterance of the pet name he'd used since she was his little girl. Whereas earlier when his hand was just short of a comforting placement of the woman's upper arm he'd spoken to her softly, he now spat her name with disgust "Shame is your daughter getting herself knocked up by some nobody and left holding the baby. Shame is finding out from my brother in New York that apparently my daughter is shacking up with some woman. You're a mess Jane…your…"
"Your leaving!" A voice calmly and sternly spoke the order without falter. Maura surveyed the scene in front of her, Jane still rested against the kitchen wall at the side of the refrigerator looking nothing like the usual pillar of strength that over the years of their friendship Maura had become accustom to. The Detective was a stranger in this moment and this was concerning – she'd known the relationship between Frank Sr and Jane was strained but the situation she'd stepped into that was playing out in her kitchen appeared more than simply a strained family relationship.
Frank turned his attention to the blond who neither Jane not he had noticed enter into the property via the back door. "Let me show you out"
"Just go Pa" Jane stepped away from the wall now, the reality that Maura was now involved in this mess made her step up. She would not allow Frank to treat anyone like he treated her. "Don't assume you know me… I'm not the daughter you left when you walked away"
"No you are correct...you're not my daughter, you're just a disappointment Jane. I will leave you to your… arrangement" He looked from his daughter to Maura, then back to his daughter. He turned and walked out of the front door slamming it behind him.
Jane's hand moved back to her waste as she leant back against the wall staring at the now closed door. Maura had made her way over, a hand against the brunette's shoulder – a touch Jane did not recoil from. "Jane…are you okay?" She shook her head no, her father's words still echoing around her racing mind. "come and sit down…"
Jane agreed, and left the wall – heading over to the sofa Maura headed to the fridge and pulled from it a bottle of beer – and twisted the bottle top as she followed the Detectives path to the living room. Thankfully Danny was being looked after by Angela and was due to be returned in a couple of hours so it would give Jane some time to recover from the emotional attack that Maura had witnessed before having to take up the role of mother as well as facing her own mother.
"I'm sorry you walked into that" Jane said as she reached up for the bottle being offered from the Doctor. Maura sat on the sofa to Jane's right – her hand rested on Jane's knee.
"Don't apologise…however do you want to explain what it is I walked into?"
"family bonding" Jane smirked and shrugged. Here it was, so quickly to return back to her usual distant self whenever it came to emotion, the humour Jane used to cover her pain or hurt, the front the Italian had perfected over many years of family turmoil and emotional situations her role as Homicide Detective at BPD had confronted her with. Maura's provided her with an understanding smile that was laced with sadness – Jane read it as pity – she looked down to the beer bottle in her hand. "I don't even know how he found out your address… he's just had too much to drink; he'll sleep it off." She explained. It always amazed Maura how quickly Jane could justify the actions of Frank Rizzoli.
Maura would not disagree with Jane – the older Rizzoli who'd stood in her Kitchen moments earlier had drank a substantial amount of alcohol. Maura had her own anger building up in her chest - the way her wife was sinking into herself when she'd walked into the kitchen against the side of the refrigerator - was not a healthy or acceptable situation. "What did he want Jane?"
"At first… to act like he hadn't disappeared for the last year, as if it was a normal Saturday catch up where he invited me to a ball game with him." Jane shook her head anger building up, "he always wants something… he eventually got to it... he wanted to borrow some cash pay off some betting debts – and what he called a business deal gone wrong!" Jane looked up from the beer bottle to the blond and shrugged her shoulders she gestured with a side nod to the house "thinks I'm good for it now..."
"I see…" Maura nods, "…because of your arrangement" Hurt and anger flared again in Janes chest as she made eye contact with the woman at her side.
"I should have…said something… I just…froze… like I was a kid again…I…"
"Jane, stop…it's alright…" She squeezed the leg of the clearly angered woman, reassuringly she brought her hand up and cupped the brunettes face, "I don't need you to justify our relationship to anyone…I don't want you to…especially to a Man who has so little respect for his own daughter let alone anyone else… I'm more concerned with making sure you're okay after what he said in there"
Jane shrugged it off, "I'm fine…he's said worse"
"not the point"
"I really don't want to do this…" Jane stood up from the sofa, stood away from the comforting hands - "sorry" the apology was a lot quieter. She turned walking back into the kitchen – taking her jacket from the back of one of the stools at the breakfast bar she then walked out of the back door that Maura had entered through.
The door closed shut with more force than usual - Maura's head dropped in her hands, elbows rested on her knees – a mixture of frustration, anger and hurt racing through her. The words raced through her mind, over and over.
"Shame is your daughter getting herself knocked up by some nobody and left holding the baby. Shame is finding out from my brother in New York that apparently my daughter is shacking up with some woman. You're a mess Jane"
Maura could usually control her anger, more so that her wife, except when it came to her wife. When someone hurt her wife. Standing from the sofa herself she walked back into the kitchen kicking off her heels on her way – she reached for the bottle of red that was already open on the counter and reached for a glass from the cupboard slamming it shut in one movement happy with the sound that resonated around the ground floor of their home.
Another point of annoyance – this time the words that Jane had spoken
"I don't even know how he found out your address…"
What more did Maura need to do to make this their home? Their family? She turned with the glass now in hand taking a healthy mouthful – leaning back against the counter top.
The hours passed Jane keeping herself out of the way other than entering house to refill the beer stock. She didn't make much of an effort to speak with the blond, wanting to avoid any form of communication for as long as possible.
Maura was attempting to busy herself in the living room with the latest medical journal – although reading through it was providing difficult as this was her third attempt looking over one particular article – she could not focus.
The sound of the front door brought her out of her thoughts, looking at her watch she was sure it would be Angela dropping of Danny. She stood up from the sofa, leaning forward placing her glass and the journal on the side she walked to the main entrance of their home. She pulled open the door and smiled softly, welcoming her mother in law with a hushed voice so as not to wake the sleeping boy held in her arms "Angela…come in…" She stood to the side.
"Maura, I thought you were on a late this evening…" She kissed softly against the blond's cheek as a greeting and then offered the sleeping boy to her. Maura softly lifted Danny from Angela's arms bringing him close to her chest – his form still sleeping deeply. She lent her lips down and placed them softly against the infants head.
"I was… however I had a quiet shift so… took advantage of it" She left out the part about her plans to come home early and take advantage of the few hours alone with a certain brunette. She had planned to wine and dine with the Detective's favourite take out and six pack. "...please…come in"
Angela shut the front door and slipped off her jacket hanging it on the coat stand, she followed the blond further into the house that was unusually quiet considering her daughter should also be around. "Would you like to help yourself to a drink, I will just place Danny down in his crib"
"Of course dear…please don't rush"
Angela had poured herself an iced tea and taken a seat at the breakfast bar, waiting for Maura to return however before the Doctor returned from upstairs the door that lead from the courtyard into the kitchen opened and her daughter walked in. "Hi Janie…" Angela beamed.
Jane looked up startled, "Ma…" She faltered slightly, looking around to see who else was here. Maura no longer sat on the sofa. She shut the kitchen door, "I didn't realise the time … sorry … hey" she walked towards her mother placing a quick kiss on the older woman cheek before making her way around the other side of the island aware that she'd carry the aroma of beer and cigarette smoke and wanting to avoid a lecture. She was lightheaded from the beers she'd worked through but sadly the emotion hadn't lifted, that was as heavy as it had been earlier. "Hows Danny… where…"
"He's wonderful Janie…" Jane was filled with discomfort at the use of the nickname that has only hours earlier been spoken with such disdain. "So wonderful… he is out cold, Maura's just putting him up to bed"
Jane nodded, feeling a sense of guilt as to her current condition now her son was back home. She should be up there tucking him in with her wife, kissing his head, softly reassuring him with love and turning off his light shutting closed his door. Instead she was half drunk, in the kitchen, thinking of how to avoid conversations with anyone that would require her to utter more than a couple of words at a time. "thanks for looking after him today Ma, I really appreciate it"
"Any time sweetie. I love having my Grandson" Jane didn't doubt it at all. Angela lived for family. "Everything okay dear?" Angela had not missed the smell of smoke and beer that was still lingering even through Jane had crossed to the other side of the kitchen. "You get done what you needed to today?"
"Fine…" Jane nodded, avoiding eye contact by lifting up the post on the counter top that she'd already thumbed through earlier that day to check for anything marked for her attention. She knew all the letters in her hand were for Maura. "Just had to run a few errands… Non-Danny-friendly errands" Jane forced a smile – trying to appear normal.
"Well dear…like I said…anytime" She read the situation in front of her and knew when her only daughter needed space, something she was trying more and more to acknowledge and act upon. "Well, thank you for the ice tea…I should head home…"
"Angela…" Maura had just appeared from the stairs, "You heading out so soon?" She walked back over to the kitchen, letting her eyes check her wife who was now also stood in the kitchen, before looking back to their guest.
"Oh yes dear… I have a plan that involves a soak in the bath and a little night cap so I will leave you two laddies to your evening… be safe both of you" She looks to her daughter and the worry is not missed by Maura who is sure has her own worry mirroring back at Angela.
"Well, let me show you out" And with a last glance at her wife who had now reached back to the fridge – Maura guided Angela to the door.
As Angela slipped on her jacket, she lowered her voice and questioned, "Is she okay?"
"She will be" Maura reassured. Hoping she was right.
Maura walked back from having shown Angela out to find Jane still in the kitchen. Leaning against the kitchen counter – bottle of water now in hand. "Hey…" Maura stood at the side of the counter wanting to respect the space Jane had clearly needed. The smell of smoke strong, a tell of Jane's, when things were all getting to much a pack of smokes and a lingering smell and taste of whisky on Jane's lips wouldn't be uncommon. It seemed, the whisky was not being sought tonight… a good sign Maura hoped.
"hey…" She took a mouthful of the cold water, there were uncomfortable moments of silence before she spoke again "…I'm going to grab a shower…and give Danny a goodnight kiss…"
Maura was disappointed that Jane was going out of her way to create distance, and while she wanted to be supportive she could not help but also allow the frustration to take hold. As she watched the brunette head to the stairs she called out to her – "I think the shower would be a good move first…you smell like a bar"
Jane could have let this pass, carried on her way up the stairs, but a rage she'd been holding back for hours now came to the surface. "Really … you want to do this with me this evening?" Jane barked spinning back to face the blond.
"I don't know what you need from me Jane" Maura's voice was calm and level – honest.
"Well, going on today's events looks like I need you to save me from my Pa, looks like I need you to support a broke ass cop and raise my kid… you happy with our little arrangement Honey?" Jane barked out.
"your Kid?" Maura was trying not to bite but Jane knew what she was doing right now, she knew how to pick a fight with the blond in order to push her away and she was good at it. "Our Arrangement?" she shook her head, taking a deep breath she glared into the brown eyes of a woman who was right now on a rout of self-destruction "I warn you now Jane – do not refer to our marriage, to our life as an arrangement. You need to stop letting people take advantage of your insecurities… stop calling this my home, my money…" Jane's eyes burned fiercer – in turn so did Maura's. "…you said I DO…to me to all of me, so take it and let me have all of you!"
"You want that mess of a woman you walked in on earlier huh? You still attracted to that weak mess who was cowering in the corner of your kitchen"
"OUR KITCEHN!" Maura demanded, "and yes…I'm as in love with you this evening as I was this morning, as in love with you as I was the day we married… I LOVE YOU! I need you. Look at what you are letting him do to you Jane… look at what your letting him do to us"
"No hon.. this is not him…" Jane held her arms out ward "I'm doing this to us! I'm hurting us! I'm…"
"Honey" Maura said calmly, she had made her way to the brunette and was now directly in front of Jane; her hands rested on each side of the taller woman's waste, their bodies close – she needed to take hold of this spiralling situation. Defuse the anger before things got to far…she was happy to be Jane's out let…. but not at the detriment to their relationship – she would protect them as a unit as best she could.
Jane however did not want this contact, this was too much in the condition she was currently in – she took hold of Maura's wrists softly and removed them from her stepping back. The hurt in her woman's eyes made her feel as worthless as her father's words earlier that day. "I've been going to the bridge Maura…every day…!" Jane confessed. "How can you love me so deeply so fully when your shearing my heart …with a god damn dead man…" she stood unmoved, not breaking eye contact with the blond - she hated the pain she was causing, and she hated that she couldn't stop –"you're sharing me with a ghost!"