FANFIC WOES
---------------------------------------------
Author's Note: I swear to God that this is an actual true story. I opened my HeXen II files one day and lo and behold, there was the four characters sitting around complaining about life. One of them, The Assassin, had been to FanFiction.Net in her spare time and had seen that their game had no fanfic and no following. I quietly closed the file and went away.
A week later, I came back- and they were still talking. You don't have to eat, sleep or go to the
bathroom in the cyberverse, after all. I offered them my services as a fanfic writer to get them
(and their game) some well-earned publicity. It is, after all, a great game. This is the
conversation that resulted.
Disclaimers: All the characters and the game they're from are property of Raven Software. I just
listened to them gripe.
--------------------------------------------
"Dammit!" Assassin muttered. "I don't believe this!"
"What's your problem now, thief?" Paladin snapped. "A week ago, you were complaining about how nobody ever wrote fanfic about us!"
"Yeah, but I didn't count on us drawing a fucking *humorist* for a writer," she groused.
"It's almost as bad as a dramatist."
"A dramatist *would* be a disaster, wouldn't it?" Necromancer said in his smooth, yet
threatening voice. "All those slavering junior authors would be attempting to match you up with
just about everybody in Thyrion, except perhaps Eidolon himself."
"Dear Quetzelcoatl, yes!" Assassin exclaimed. "By the Beak, it would be another Harry
Potter problem! One woman- three men! Who to match her with?" She glared at the other three and buried her head in her hands.
The Crusader spoke next. "In my opinion, a humorist is worse than a dramatist. She will
blow our personas out of character. Worse still, it would arouse too much interest in our game, and then we would all be attacked by the fanfic writers. The Necromancer would become another Darth Sidious, our noble Paladin friend would be made over as a *Zelda*-type character, I should become Luke Skywalker, and Assassin would suffer a severe case of MPD from 90 different authors interpreting her differently."
"MPD?" Paladin asked.
"Multiple Personality Disorder, you moron, you ought to know that." Assassin snarled. She reached for her knife.
"Stop!" Necromancer thundered, and lightning flashed from his staff. The other three shut up. "Good," he said. "Now that you have all finished complaining," he said, glaring at them, "We can get down to business. Here are the facts. One: Our computer game, HeXen II, despite having excellent graphics, five intriguing scenarios to beat, and superior characters, had very slim sales when Raven Software released it. Why? That brings us to point Two: It was released at the same time as Quake II, and nobody could combat *that.*" Necromancer scowled. "We are fortunate that the fanfic author we have, humorist though she may be, has even played the game and realized our storytelling potential. And even *her* copy had to be bootlegged, because Three: It is very hard to obtain on the regular market." And now there was no mistaking the ice in his tone. "All this introduces our most important point, number Four: We are here to write a fanfiction about our game and characters which will arouse interest in the game and perhaps boost our sales a bit."
"Romance is OUT!" Paladin said immediately. Assassin seconded the motion.
"Perhaps a tragedy?" Crusader suggested. "We could speak in Shakespearean verse and-"
"NO!" the other three yelled.
"Humor?" Necromancer said. "There *is* comedic potential, and our writer would be on the home turf there. Something bizarre."
"I am *not* wearing a crinoline," Assassin said. She held a Seal of the Ovinomancer (an artifact which turns opponents into sheep so you can swat them) in her hand.
"Hey!" Paladin said. He looked up at the last two lines. "That's it!"
"What?" the others asked.
"The author wrote in a description of the Assassin's Seal," he said. "All we need to do is talk about what our powers are, what kind of artifacts we find, what sort of scenarios you get in HeXen II . . . and she'll write it all down and post it. Then people will read it all there and if they *do* write fanfic about us, at least it'll be *informed* fanfic!"
"Good idea, Gunga Din," Assassin said. "It's almost intelligent."
"Ah, will you shut *up!*" he snarled back.
"You're right," Necromancer mused. "For instance, just now, anyone reading this story would have seen that Assassin is a heartless bitch who likes to threaten people, steal things, and kill. I am a cruel sorcerer bent on revenge against Eidolon because he overshadows me, Crusader wants to heal Thyrion (our home planet) of Eidolon because he is an evil Demon-King, and Paladin had brethren who were slaughtered by Eidolon's armies to avenge."
"Yeeha!" Assassin said. She and Necromancer shared a high-five. "Five character profiles in one speech! Good one, old man!"
ZAP!
"Plus," Paladin interjected calmly, "Anyone reading would now know that the Necromancer possesses the kick-ass Magic Missiles, which he has just used to nearly blow the Assassin to Kingdom Come. He doesn't like being called 'old man.'"
Crusader had taken out his Ice Mace. "Should I include this in the story?" He asked Paladin.
"Depends," Paladin replied. "What does it do?"
"Well, if its abilities have been enhanced by using a Tome of Power, it fires a whirlwind of ice. Regular power, it just fires ice shards which freeze anything that they hit. Think I should describe it?"
"Uh- you already have."
"Don't forget my Grenades," Assassin said, rubbing her sore head (thanks to the Necromancer's low-power Magic Missile). "Those can explode regularly- *or* they can explode with enhanced power, shaking the floor and creating a hugeass geyser of flame, not to mention several smaller explosions."
"I prefer my War-Axe," Paladin said, gripping the smooth metal handle of his Axe.
"Yeah, well, that's just a throwing axe."
"*Just* a throwing axe? What about when I've got a Tome of Power on it?"
"Yeah, well," Assassin conceded. "The hail of blades is cool, but I like my Grenades more."
"Shut up, you guys," Necromancer said. "How about the Raven Staff? Summoning hordes of mystical ravens to tear your enemies apart is much better."
"My Staff of Set does the same!" Assassin retorted. "Only *I* get a huge scarab with razor-sharp chains, which is loads better."
"But there's artifacts that do that, too!" Crusader protested. "The Stone of Summoning can get you a Fire-Imp to fight for you, and the stone's no specialized weapon!"
"Speaking of Artifacts," Paladin said. "Do Glyphs of the Ancients count as artifacts? Sure, we can all find them, but they act differently for each character. I can lob them like this thief's grenades, she gets a magical trip-wire which explodes when you run into it, Crusader's Glyphs can home in on a target, and-"
"Mine," Necromancer cut in smoothly, "Hover in the air until an enemy approaches. Then they will detonate. How about armor? You can also find armor in the mazes, you know."
"Technically, armor is specialized too," Crusader said. He began to count off on his fingers. "Bracers- Assassin uses them best, but she doesn't benefit from a Helmet, which I am best acquainted with. However, I am not well-accustomed to a Breastplate, which Necromancer cannot use well either. But Paladin can."
"Does *everybody* gotta keep reeling off info which we all know?" Assassin grumbled.
"The readers don't know it," Crusader reminded her.
"My turn," she snapped. "How about the scenarios? There's five of them: first we go to Blackmarsh, a medieval-England type setting, where you have to solve lots of puzzles and defeat the Crystal Golem and the Apocalyptic Rider called Famine. Then it's onto Mazaera, an Aztec-type place and my hometown, where you get to tackle the Challenges of the Elements- not to mention Death himself, and he's no bundle of joy. Then Thysis, where our renowned sorcerer comes from, it's mainly Egyptian, and *there* you get to kick ass on Pestilence and a whole shitload of Mummies. Next you get to Septimus, and *there* you get to tangle with Medusas- and War, who's a real tough bastard. Then- oh joy!- it's *back* to Blackmarsh, although an unfamiliar section of it, to battle Eidolon, the Demon-King. And dare I add that Blackmarsh is always fun, mainly because you get to swim through the sewers?"
Paladin cocked his head. "I detect seven . . . eight . . . make that eleven underage fanfic readers who ignored the PG13 rating and are now yelling 'Ick'!"
"No matter," Necromancer said. "It's their own fault, not ours. They should've read the warnings."
"OK . . . " Crusader thought a bit. "This ought to do it."
"Summary:" Assassin said. "Four kick-ass characters have to infiltrate five castle strongholds, defeat hordes of demons and monsters, solve puzzles, appease various gods with the right offerings, and of course defeat The Big Nasty, Eidolon himself, at the end. And the problem is: when you get Eidolon severely pissed enough, he summons the Chaos Orb and gains a hell of a lot more power. So you have to destroy the Orb before you can take him on again."
"I'm sick of this," Paladin grumbled. "Let's go to some anti-Pokemon sites or something."
"OK!" the others replied. Crusader looked at the writer. "Thanks for taking this all down," he said. "Even if nobody responds, it was very kind of you."
"No problem!" I replied.
Further Note: Look, guys, the voices of these characters must be heard. Can't you review, tell me if this whole thing was at least partially worth it? Please? For them?
---------------------------------------------
Author's Note: I swear to God that this is an actual true story. I opened my HeXen II files one day and lo and behold, there was the four characters sitting around complaining about life. One of them, The Assassin, had been to FanFiction.Net in her spare time and had seen that their game had no fanfic and no following. I quietly closed the file and went away.
A week later, I came back- and they were still talking. You don't have to eat, sleep or go to the
bathroom in the cyberverse, after all. I offered them my services as a fanfic writer to get them
(and their game) some well-earned publicity. It is, after all, a great game. This is the
conversation that resulted.
Disclaimers: All the characters and the game they're from are property of Raven Software. I just
listened to them gripe.
--------------------------------------------
"Dammit!" Assassin muttered. "I don't believe this!"
"What's your problem now, thief?" Paladin snapped. "A week ago, you were complaining about how nobody ever wrote fanfic about us!"
"Yeah, but I didn't count on us drawing a fucking *humorist* for a writer," she groused.
"It's almost as bad as a dramatist."
"A dramatist *would* be a disaster, wouldn't it?" Necromancer said in his smooth, yet
threatening voice. "All those slavering junior authors would be attempting to match you up with
just about everybody in Thyrion, except perhaps Eidolon himself."
"Dear Quetzelcoatl, yes!" Assassin exclaimed. "By the Beak, it would be another Harry
Potter problem! One woman- three men! Who to match her with?" She glared at the other three and buried her head in her hands.
The Crusader spoke next. "In my opinion, a humorist is worse than a dramatist. She will
blow our personas out of character. Worse still, it would arouse too much interest in our game, and then we would all be attacked by the fanfic writers. The Necromancer would become another Darth Sidious, our noble Paladin friend would be made over as a *Zelda*-type character, I should become Luke Skywalker, and Assassin would suffer a severe case of MPD from 90 different authors interpreting her differently."
"MPD?" Paladin asked.
"Multiple Personality Disorder, you moron, you ought to know that." Assassin snarled. She reached for her knife.
"Stop!" Necromancer thundered, and lightning flashed from his staff. The other three shut up. "Good," he said. "Now that you have all finished complaining," he said, glaring at them, "We can get down to business. Here are the facts. One: Our computer game, HeXen II, despite having excellent graphics, five intriguing scenarios to beat, and superior characters, had very slim sales when Raven Software released it. Why? That brings us to point Two: It was released at the same time as Quake II, and nobody could combat *that.*" Necromancer scowled. "We are fortunate that the fanfic author we have, humorist though she may be, has even played the game and realized our storytelling potential. And even *her* copy had to be bootlegged, because Three: It is very hard to obtain on the regular market." And now there was no mistaking the ice in his tone. "All this introduces our most important point, number Four: We are here to write a fanfiction about our game and characters which will arouse interest in the game and perhaps boost our sales a bit."
"Romance is OUT!" Paladin said immediately. Assassin seconded the motion.
"Perhaps a tragedy?" Crusader suggested. "We could speak in Shakespearean verse and-"
"NO!" the other three yelled.
"Humor?" Necromancer said. "There *is* comedic potential, and our writer would be on the home turf there. Something bizarre."
"I am *not* wearing a crinoline," Assassin said. She held a Seal of the Ovinomancer (an artifact which turns opponents into sheep so you can swat them) in her hand.
"Hey!" Paladin said. He looked up at the last two lines. "That's it!"
"What?" the others asked.
"The author wrote in a description of the Assassin's Seal," he said. "All we need to do is talk about what our powers are, what kind of artifacts we find, what sort of scenarios you get in HeXen II . . . and she'll write it all down and post it. Then people will read it all there and if they *do* write fanfic about us, at least it'll be *informed* fanfic!"
"Good idea, Gunga Din," Assassin said. "It's almost intelligent."
"Ah, will you shut *up!*" he snarled back.
"You're right," Necromancer mused. "For instance, just now, anyone reading this story would have seen that Assassin is a heartless bitch who likes to threaten people, steal things, and kill. I am a cruel sorcerer bent on revenge against Eidolon because he overshadows me, Crusader wants to heal Thyrion (our home planet) of Eidolon because he is an evil Demon-King, and Paladin had brethren who were slaughtered by Eidolon's armies to avenge."
"Yeeha!" Assassin said. She and Necromancer shared a high-five. "Five character profiles in one speech! Good one, old man!"
ZAP!
"Plus," Paladin interjected calmly, "Anyone reading would now know that the Necromancer possesses the kick-ass Magic Missiles, which he has just used to nearly blow the Assassin to Kingdom Come. He doesn't like being called 'old man.'"
Crusader had taken out his Ice Mace. "Should I include this in the story?" He asked Paladin.
"Depends," Paladin replied. "What does it do?"
"Well, if its abilities have been enhanced by using a Tome of Power, it fires a whirlwind of ice. Regular power, it just fires ice shards which freeze anything that they hit. Think I should describe it?"
"Uh- you already have."
"Don't forget my Grenades," Assassin said, rubbing her sore head (thanks to the Necromancer's low-power Magic Missile). "Those can explode regularly- *or* they can explode with enhanced power, shaking the floor and creating a hugeass geyser of flame, not to mention several smaller explosions."
"I prefer my War-Axe," Paladin said, gripping the smooth metal handle of his Axe.
"Yeah, well, that's just a throwing axe."
"*Just* a throwing axe? What about when I've got a Tome of Power on it?"
"Yeah, well," Assassin conceded. "The hail of blades is cool, but I like my Grenades more."
"Shut up, you guys," Necromancer said. "How about the Raven Staff? Summoning hordes of mystical ravens to tear your enemies apart is much better."
"My Staff of Set does the same!" Assassin retorted. "Only *I* get a huge scarab with razor-sharp chains, which is loads better."
"But there's artifacts that do that, too!" Crusader protested. "The Stone of Summoning can get you a Fire-Imp to fight for you, and the stone's no specialized weapon!"
"Speaking of Artifacts," Paladin said. "Do Glyphs of the Ancients count as artifacts? Sure, we can all find them, but they act differently for each character. I can lob them like this thief's grenades, she gets a magical trip-wire which explodes when you run into it, Crusader's Glyphs can home in on a target, and-"
"Mine," Necromancer cut in smoothly, "Hover in the air until an enemy approaches. Then they will detonate. How about armor? You can also find armor in the mazes, you know."
"Technically, armor is specialized too," Crusader said. He began to count off on his fingers. "Bracers- Assassin uses them best, but she doesn't benefit from a Helmet, which I am best acquainted with. However, I am not well-accustomed to a Breastplate, which Necromancer cannot use well either. But Paladin can."
"Does *everybody* gotta keep reeling off info which we all know?" Assassin grumbled.
"The readers don't know it," Crusader reminded her.
"My turn," she snapped. "How about the scenarios? There's five of them: first we go to Blackmarsh, a medieval-England type setting, where you have to solve lots of puzzles and defeat the Crystal Golem and the Apocalyptic Rider called Famine. Then it's onto Mazaera, an Aztec-type place and my hometown, where you get to tackle the Challenges of the Elements- not to mention Death himself, and he's no bundle of joy. Then Thysis, where our renowned sorcerer comes from, it's mainly Egyptian, and *there* you get to kick ass on Pestilence and a whole shitload of Mummies. Next you get to Septimus, and *there* you get to tangle with Medusas- and War, who's a real tough bastard. Then- oh joy!- it's *back* to Blackmarsh, although an unfamiliar section of it, to battle Eidolon, the Demon-King. And dare I add that Blackmarsh is always fun, mainly because you get to swim through the sewers?"
Paladin cocked his head. "I detect seven . . . eight . . . make that eleven underage fanfic readers who ignored the PG13 rating and are now yelling 'Ick'!"
"No matter," Necromancer said. "It's their own fault, not ours. They should've read the warnings."
"OK . . . " Crusader thought a bit. "This ought to do it."
"Summary:" Assassin said. "Four kick-ass characters have to infiltrate five castle strongholds, defeat hordes of demons and monsters, solve puzzles, appease various gods with the right offerings, and of course defeat The Big Nasty, Eidolon himself, at the end. And the problem is: when you get Eidolon severely pissed enough, he summons the Chaos Orb and gains a hell of a lot more power. So you have to destroy the Orb before you can take him on again."
"I'm sick of this," Paladin grumbled. "Let's go to some anti-Pokemon sites or something."
"OK!" the others replied. Crusader looked at the writer. "Thanks for taking this all down," he said. "Even if nobody responds, it was very kind of you."
"No problem!" I replied.
Further Note: Look, guys, the voices of these characters must be heard. Can't you review, tell me if this whole thing was at least partially worth it? Please? For them?