Mommy has pretty hair. Her face isn't in color, it's completely white. Except under her eyes, it's black there. I want to color on her sometimes. "Baby, Mommy wants to rest." That's me, I'm Baby. Sometimes I'm Christian, sometimes I'm Baby. She turns and looks at me, she has pretty eye balls. "Are you tired, Baby?" Her lips need water, they are dry. I want to open my mouth and tell her I'm not, that I want to eat food and that I'm cold, but my voice doesn't work like hers. It doesn't work like anyones. Only my head can talk. She looks sad when my head talks, and it says yes even though I'm not really. It lies, I'm a liar. Liars are bad, liars should be punished. "Okay, Christian. Go lay down." I want to lay down with Mommy, but she just falls back on the ground and closes her eyes. She has a blankie, but she still shakes. So I give her my blankie too, and be very quiet while I push car around the floor. Car wants me to hold him, so I do. I lay on the floor in the corner and kiss him. He smiles. Mommy makes a noise, and her eyes drip. They open and are looking right at me, why are they leaking?
"They are only tears, Baby," she sounds so sleepy, and she knows what I'm thinking. Tears, the water is tears. I have tears sometimes, I don't know why. Sometimes when my stomach makes noises and my chest hurts, tears come out of my eyes like Mommy's. I want to tell her, but no words, so I put my head back down by Car. Car never tears.
The door bursts open, and Mommy makes a louder noise. Tears. He's here. I don't have a name for him, I don't know anyones name but Mommy. My name too, Baby or Christian. Why two names for me? Car has a name, Car. I made up a name for him, too. The man, I name him Mean. Mommy, Baby Christian, Car, and Mean. "Bitch, get up. I have a job for you." Mommy doesn't get up. Bitch? Her names Mommy. Mean is angry, and he kicks her, more tears.
"Okay," Mommy is tired, I want to tell him. Tired means she wants sleep, not a job. I don't know how to tell Mean. Maybe Car, can. I look at him, he doesn't have words either. "Christian needs something to eat." That's me, I'm Christian, and I'm hungry. How does Mommy know that?
"I'll feed the brat." I have three names?
He has a light stick in his mouth, and it's on fire. I hate light sticks, they smell. They're hot, they make my skin go on fire. Mommy tries to get up, too slow. Mean pulls her up by her hair, but it still looks pretty. I wonder if mine is pretty, I feel it on my head, but I don't know what I look like. Mean pushes Mommy out the door, saying something to her about finding Ricky downstairs. Is Ricky a name? He slams the door, the wall shakes. When he looks at me, I feel tears. "What do you want to eat, fucker?" Four names. I don't want cold food, they hurt my teeth. I want to tell Mean warm food, but again no words. I push Car towards him, hoping he'll tell him. He doesn't, and Mean kicks him and makes a funny noise. Car doesn't tear when he hits the wall, but I do. My heart hurts, it's loud. I wonder if Mean and Car can hear it. Mean grabs my arm and pulls me up, My throat makes a noise, and I've heard Mommy make it before. I trip and fall, and he holds me up by my arm. The light stick falls on my back, and I finally make words. This is the only time I make words, when I touch the light sticks. My mouth opens and sounds come out, my eye balls leak tears. He picks up the light stick and puts it back in his mouth, dragging me to the counter. He's holding too tight, my arm is going to come off I think. As long as it's not both, because I need to hold Car. Mean drops cold food at my feat, peas. My belly hurts looking at them. He doesn't say anything else, he leaves again. I hear the click after he leaves, and I know the door won't open now. He makes it stuck so I have to stay.
I hurry to Car, the arm Mean held too tight hurts, so I use the extra one. Car must be hungry too. I kiss him, happy to see he doesn't have tears. I sit by the cold peas, putting one in my mouth. They hurt my teeth. I put one down for Car, but he doesn't like them either. I go get blankie and cover me and Car and the peas. My belly hurts and I have more tears, I don't know why.