Why did they think so much of her? Why did they act as though she was the Chosen One?
She was the Chosen One's Padawan. There was a difference. But, honestly, what was it like to be chosen?
Chosen. She wasn't chosen. She was tossed away, discarded as a reckless, worthless thing only because they didn't want to deal with her. Let Anakin train the girl, let Anakin suffer...it was enough for her to wonder sometimes if she should've done something so Anakin might have said, "Yes, I want this one, this girl. She's got potential." But no, they sent her away.
That wasn't the bad part; she didn't care what they thought of her because she disagreed so many times with them. The only one who supported her was Master Plo Koon. The bad part? The part where they expected so much of her just because she was Master Skywalker's apprentice. Not. Fair. Though he had it pretty hard himself. Why should she talk about not fair?
Still, they sent her away.
Sent her away so that she, in the very end because it was her destiny, would hang off a cliff and die as she fell, her body nothing more than a limp doll. Because her Master, her one last hope, was too far away to even see her. He was too far away to come to her aid, and she couldn't do anything. Her two green lightsabers were long gone, fallen far below. She wondered briefly if Anakin had seen them - he was down there, somewhere.
There was no hope; she brought her eyes up to meet the metal ones of the MagnaGuards staring down at her, menace surrounding them in an icy veil of evil. If she were to try to fight, she would die. If she was to stay, she would die. If she were to fall, she would die. All choices led to that one last intake of breath. If she fell, though, she would lead to the failure of the mission.
Desperately, she looked at the fallen clones. Her fault. She should've been there, beside them, not cockily fighting by herself.
Because of a mistake. A stupid mistake, so easy to avoid. She should've stopped them before they backed her against the wall; there were too many of them. Where they came from, she did not know. But she knew she had failed.
Failure was inevitable in life, but the fact was, it was now. Now she would fall her own death. Another failure. So much for potential, she thought, feeling her fingers slip. The leg of one of the MagnaGuard's pulled back, and she groaned, trying not to think about the fall. Trying not to think about what the Droids who were surrounding her would do next; go down to where Anakin was and kill them all, too.
She was here for purpose - to divert most of them, and keep their attention on her so Anakin could find the plans and get out of here. I thought, maybe, I could make it all right...
Stubborn, sapphire blue eyes glowing, she glared with sparks of hatred illuminating them. Anakin, the citizens he also sought to save, and the plans would be destroyed.
The leg met its target, and she bit back a cry of pain that threatened to escape her throat. Biting her lip so hard a drop of ruby blood appeared, she felt her fingers let go, clutching only dirt. She wanted to tell the droids they would never win; but she was too far away now, tumbling helplessly through the air. Her eyes searched for any landing, praying that when she fell her Master would not see her body crumple to the ground.
Instead, her eyes met a sparkling, gleaming surface, but she could not discern what it was. Her lips were parted, wanting to scream, but no sound emerged. Just as she met the surface - which appeared to be water by the sickening feeling as it smacked her stomach followed by a splash - she heard a fear-filled, somewhat stunned voice call out her name, "Ahsoka!"
She would've groaned, by her mouth was full of water, but she couldn't help but think in a shameful way that Anakin had seen her. She had ruined the mission; the MagnaGuards and their tinnies were coming for them.
The water was so cold. It numbed her body instantly, so much that she felt too sluggish to move.
For some reason, she couldn't make it to the surface fast enough, and she couldn't get the water out her mouth and nose. Suddenly, she felt someone's arms swoop her up and an upward motion. Apparently, she was going to live. But all she could think about was how she had failed.
They burst out of the water, and Ahsoka choked, freeing her lungs of the water that had been trapped in them. Gasping terribly for breath, her eyes blurry, she looked at the fuzzy form of Anakin above her, and nearly drowned in disgust. Not only had she failed, but she had to be rescued. She should be able to save herself!
She searched Anakin's eyes for disappointment whilst shivering terribly in the his arms, biting her lip to keep her teeth from chattering. She wasn't a child anymore. Yet she had still let them die...the droids would come...too many. Fighting unconsciousness, still frozen to the bone, the Togruta snapped, "Put me down!"
Anakin's eyes revealed his shock as the clone slowly let the child to the ground, and Ahsoka felt her knees nearly buckle. But she remained upright, still looking incredibly upset. She searched her belt for the lightsabers before remembering; she stared into the water. They were probably far below her reach, and her desperation to get them wasn't helping.
In her child-like state of mind, Ahsoka knew she wasn't helping at all. Everyone was staring at her. She was shivering wildly, on the verge of tears, but she managed to squeak, "I failed. Clones died. Droids are coming." Another wave of violent shivers had the Togruta falling into her Master's arms. She heard his voice shout, "Clear out!"
His arms trembled from the iciness of the water, but the pure essence of the Force blazing around him kept both suitably warm, but Ahsoka knew it was too late for her. She felt her consciousness leave her body. Not again...
She felt her breathing, coming in and out of her lips. Her lips felt dry, though, even though she felt cold. Why was she cold? They were on a cool planet, but she had on somewhat warmer clothes than usual. "Don't move, Snips." A deep voice instructed, sounding wary.
Anakin. Oh, yes, her Master. The Master who had never chosen her as an apprentice. Maybe he knew she was going to fail. Ahsoka's dry, cracked lips parted, but no sound emerged. Only silence. Licking her lips, the Padawan tried again, "Howmannndiy?" Ugh. That wasn't right. Clearing her throat for a final attempt, she managed to ask in a faint voice, "How many died?"
Silence. Then his deep voice answered, "Too many."
Ahsoka turned away from him, still breathing shakily. Too many. She hadn't stopped the droids, they still didn't have the plans. She had been the cause for disaster, and that was not good. Maybe she should just go back to the Temple...Right, she wasn't wanted there.
"You couldn't have prevented it." Anakin continued, heedless of her conflicted feelings. Heedless of the fact that all Ahsoka wanted was for him to shut up so she could go back to sleep. "They had more droids than we could've stopped."
Keep talking, Skyguy. I'm not buying one word. Her lower lip stuck out slightly, but she banished all thoughts of crying. To her, that mission had been so important. She had heard Yoda telling Kenobi it might win the war, so she went and ruined it all. It was no wonder, she thought, her lashes fluttering shut, that they gave her to Anakin.
She could still hear the rumble of Anakin talking above her, and she was beginning to feel annoyed, "Master! I know!" She erupted, sitting up quickly, "I don't want to talk about it."
She watched as his face melted into surprise, and he nodded slowly, "All right." When he stood up to leave, Ahsoka felt a pang of regret.
Partially it was because it was then she felt horrified because of her fall, how stupid she must of looked, soaring through the air into the water. How her Master must of felt. Ahsoka couldn't help but feel ridiculous. "Um...Master?" She queried, voice small. He hesitated, didn't speak, because, well, she hadn't been exactly kind. The girl didn't know what to say. 'How stupid did I look?' was a dumb question.
Ahsoka felt Anakin's pointed gaze, burning her skin and flesh, and she finally blurted out, "I'm sorry."
For some reason, the girl blurted out even though she didn't want to, "Master, they expect too much of me. I can't do it all. I just can't." The air was still, quiet, and Ahsoka finished softly, "Master, they expect too much of you." Why had she said that? He never talked to her about that, the way they always watched him because he was the Chosen One.
Anakin's features melted into frustration, and Ahsoka knew that, at least, she wasn't alone. Afraid she'd start sobbing in frustration, Ahsoka looked up at him with weary eyes, "I can't be everything they want me to anymore. Because every time I mess up, I'm just a failure. I'm sorry."
She felt a worn glove cupping her shoulder, and very slowly, she raised her chin to meet his eyes, "I don't understand it, either." He sounded so sad, so tired of not living up to their standards.
Ahsoka shivered, "I just wanted to let them know that...well, I'm...I used to think I was invincible, like I could go on forever, but it's not true. And I don't like it. I don't like it because they want me to so much. And...I'm sorry I can't be this, Master." She clutched the blanket in her pale fingers, like it was a lifeline, and Anakin slowly worked it from them.
He looked distressed, like he wanted to be anywhere but discussing this because he had finally had to truly face it for what it was. Though in his mind, who knew how he would twist it? Ahsoka's blue eyes met his, and she couldn't help but wonder if the way he was treated would ultimately ruin him.
He scared them in some ways...maybe she did, too. A little bit of humor worked its way in her mind, but she blocked it out, and muttered, "I shouldn't complain." It wasn't fair, Ahsoka thought, to blame her mentor after all he had done for her.
It took a minute for him to worm away from his train of thought, and when he looked at her, he looked as burdened as she felt. "Is that why you act like that?"
Confusion showed on the girl's face for a moment until it dawned on her. Then she nodded, somewhat miserably, because it was true. She wanted to lie, to say it wasn't so, but he would know the truth anyway. He touched her shoulder, "It's okay, you know, to relax. I know you're good enough. Ahsoka, listen to me, you are not a failure. You never have been."
Ahsoka's lips curved upwards into a happy smile, true contentment radiating, catching Anakin in it's warmth. There was no more bitter cold left at all in her, just that warmth. She had done well.
She would never stop being snippy, or stop trying to prove herself, just as her Master would never stop acting as though he were invincible. It was just in her. But Anakin could take his own advice.
But when would they stop? Ahsoka's lips parted to ask, but Anakin shushed her, "Don't worry what they think." He smiled lightly, "Anything else?"
Misery threatened that warmth, but she pressed in a way, "Yes. I wasn't chosen...as a Padawan." No one wanted me was what she meant, but Anakin understood, anyway. His hands pressed to her shoulders so she was forced to look at him.
"You are the chosen Padawan. You were Chosen for me. If not by Yoda or the Council, then by the Force. Remember? Is is the will of the Force that you are at my side, Snips, I wouldn't have anyone else."
She looked at him and felt her fears start to dissipate. He stood and began to leave, but still caught her words, "Thanks, Skyguy." And Anakin grinned to himself.