Dear Diary,

Yesterday started off beautifully. Spring is here in earnest now and the flowers are in full bloom. The garden is just to die for, honestly. Searlus seems to love it there just as much as I do as he spends most of his afternoons amongst the roses and other fauna. However, he is out of sorts. Again. It's been six months since I arrived at the castle and every month is the same when it comes to his moods. I've discovered a pattern, you see, and it is quite an interesting one indeed.

It cannot be chance that his temper coincides with my own irritable moods during my moon time. Maybe I annoy him. He is a creature forged by magic, after all, so maybe he is empathetic? In either case, I feel guilty that I might be causing his distress. And his distress seems greater than my own if it could be believed. Yes, during this time, I've seen him wandering the grounds at unspeakable hours. His presence wakes me. The more time I spend here, the more in tune I am with him it appears. Not just him, but the castle, the grounds, the animals, and even the trees. Magic is such a curious thing. By the by, I've recently begun to study alchemy and other old magical crafts, but I'll get to that later. In any case, I know he does not get much sleep, if at all, during this time. I'm sure that doesn't help with his already quite brooding nature. If only he could accept himself as he is, he'd be happier for it. As would I.

It would be such a simple thing, to sit him down and explain that I never even saw a beast to begin with. I mean, he was shocking, I cannot lie about that. But he doesn't understand that I did not have any glamorous fantasies about how my life would be here when I first came upon his doorstep. I knew what to expect. No, actually, I did not. I thought I knew what to expect and quite honestly I expected worse!

The others who had offered themselves during the Courting Festival had all forgotten the King's appearance or what transpired behind the gates as soon as they were released the next morning. With no details and sheer lack of information, you could imagine the rumours that sprouted and how rampant and disturbing they became over time. The whole village knew he was deformed in some way since his birth. It was no secret that an Alchemist was summoned to save the Prince's life. The price was great, however, as the Alchemist would have had no other recourse but to exchange another's life for the babes. I know this from recent studies in the subject. The story goes, that his mother willingly offered up her own life, but the King would not allow it. The prince was dying and no one else would or could sacrifice themselves. So, the Alchemist used their exotic pets in order to make quick work of saving the baby boy. Save him, he did. A chimaera is what they called him. A monster. An abomination. Very few had laid eyes on the Prince. The courting festival was started by the Queen herself for she was afraid he'd live a lonely life without love. The King died young and the Queen Mother followed not long after. He dismissed all of his servants but the courting festival continued to be a tradition.

Only one young woman had stayed longer than a night, but she too left the castle soon enough with only her pittance for trying and no memory of her time there. My life was already over when my husband died and Papa is such a frail man. I could not care for him or myself any longer. Beauty was all I had. It was either the brothel or try to woo the monstrous King Searlus. I chose the latter. It paid better.

Oh, but why am I dwelling on such sad memories now? For some time, I have felt renewed. I have hope once more and I have my dear Searlus to thank for that. He has been kind and patient with me. He is still rigid with his rules and that irks me to no end, but I have enjoyed my time here very much. It was rough going at first. He can be so frustrating but he says the same about me. The thought makes me smile now. Though he may look like a beast, he is so very obviously a man. Bullheaded. Not that he looks like a bull. Oh, sometimes I could just rip my hair out and yet… other times… No, I must not think about that. I need more time to sort my feelings. Gerard was my life and the guilt of letting another into my heart is sometimes too much to bear. The mourning period has only just ended, but a year is not enough. Not for me. Searlus helps me to forget my pain… my Gerard. Sometimes it is a wonderful relief and other times, especially during my moon time, I want to punish myself for being so unkind to his memory. Papa never remarried after mama died, maybe I am to have the same fate.

I care for Searlus, I do, I might even… No. I cannot let myself think on it. To name it is to make it real and I am not yet ready. He is no rush anyway! Why do I feel such urgency? Searlus is happy with just my company. My friendship. I'm not even completely sure he has romantic feelings for me. He sees to my every need, that is certain. I'm quite sure I could ask for anything - within the ridiculous rules of course - and he would grant it. I catch his lingering glances here and there but it could be that I am still as strange to him as he is to me.

Though recently, we've begun to touch. The first time, I had stayed his hand when he tried to offer me more wine at dinner. The poor soul dropped the bottle in a clumsy fit as its contents spilt all over me. I laughed aloud as we both tried to right it, making an even greater disorder when we knocked over his glass as well in the process. He was a stuttering mess and I couldn't help my amusement at seeing him so disarmed. He thought I was laughing at him, however, and the merriment ended quickly. Idiot. But he is not an idiot. Far from it. So intelligent and I love our conversations. He has as curious a mind as I do. I found him later that evening brooding in the library. He apologized for the whole affair.

"Forgive me," he said. Goodness, he was a sad sight. He was slumped over in his favourite chair by the fire, eyes cast down in shame and hands balled into fists. "If you wish to leave, I cannot fault you."

"Searlus, honestly, you think I'd march out the door for something so trivial?" I retorted. "What kind of woman do you think I am?" I laughed good-heartedly but he dropped his head down further and furrowed his brow. I instantly remember how many others had abandoned him over the years. "I am not angry with you," I said gently while I knelt before him and firmly placed my hand over his large, furry fist. He tensed and his eyes grew wide. "Does my touch bother you? Shall I remove-"

"No," he interrupted hurriedly as if I was about to wrench my hand away. "I-I raised my voice."

"You yelled," I corrected.

He grimaced. "Yes, I yelled… at you earlier. I thought you'd be angry with me."

He kept his eyes on our connected hands. I could read the pain in his eyes and I wondered whether it was the thought of me being angry or my touch that was causing him such misery? How long had it been since he'd felt the kind touch of another living soul? My heart broke for him.

"I am not angry, but never yell at me like that again," I warned with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. "Or I'll have to show you what a woman's wrath really looks like. Be afraid, your Grace. Be very afraid." I smiled at him and he smiled back as he carefully grazed the rough pad of his thumb over my wrist.

My blood runs warm just thinking of it. Since then, he pretends not to notice when I touch him. I can tell he enjoys it and finds it quite special. He becomes so shy and gets lost in whatever musings are transpiring in his quick mind. Adorable and so endearing. Damn him. My intention was only to stay a night, as the others had, and get my pittance. But his lonely soul spoke to my own and I stayed. No promises were made. I can leave whenever I like, but if I leave I cannot return and I would also lose all memory of being here. I cannot lose that. I'm allowed to receive letters but not send any in return. My father wants for nothing except his daughter by his side and he worries so much for me. I wish I could just write him to tell him that I am happy. Happy? Am I happy?

I'll have to think about that later. I can sense him nearby. Wish me luck for I intend to voice my theory about his empathic abilities. I'll admit, it will be quite embarrassing to mention my moon time to him but I can think of it as a test of his maturity level depending on his reaction. Men do not like speaking of such things and prefer to ignore anything they would deem unsavoury in a woman. But Searlus is different in so many ways. Let us see.

Love,

Belle