Jay buried his head in his hands once again, sighing. He had just finished screaming and slamming his hands on the steering wheel of his car. What could he say – it had been a rough day. No, scratch that. The worst day. Even worse than the night he found out Lindsay left. Or the day he finished packing up their place. This, this was far worse than both of those days combined. Why? Because it hadn't only affected him, and he knew that.
He felt his phone buzz again, signaling another text. His eyes quickly scanned the screen, seeing it was from Kim. She had just seen Adam in holding; Platt had snuck her down there, much to Adam's objections. He didn't want anyone in the unit to see him in this position, but there was no telling Platt "no." The woman was set in her ways, and Kim was the only one brave enough to face Adam. She was the only one who could handle it right now. Because let's face it: the rest of Intelligence was anything but. They were all falling apart at the seams, only the consequences of their bad decisions holding them together. Antonio was hospitalized for an overdose; Voight had gone MIA; Kevin was trying to stay strong for Kim and Trudy; and Hailey? Jay didn't even want to know what Hailey must be feeling right now, because if it was anything like what he was dealing with, it was too much. Too many emotions were swirling around his head right now, hence the hand to hand combat with his dashboard a few minutes prior.
He ran a hand over his face, sucking in a ragged breath. He started up his truck and pulled out of the parking lot, heading home…or the closest place to it.
Hailey was on her fourth beer, not that it mattered much to her anymore. After the hell she'd faced today, she needed it. She was finally starting to feel the tension melt away from her shoulders when her doorbell rang. What now? She huffed, setting her beer on the kitchen counter and walking toward the door. An equally somber Jay stood on the other side. She immediately let him in, and he set his own pack of beer on her counter.
Hailey didn't know what to say, so she simply picked up her open bottle and gulped down some more alcohol, hoping it would loosen her lips as much as her body. She knew she needed to talk to Jay, and really talk, not just give each other the runaround of their feelings. She knew there were feelings there, she could see it in his eyes today. For the first time though, she was scared. She was frightened by the pure possibility that Jay feels the same way about her as she does him. And she was scared that since the stakes were so high now, did she even stand a chance? Would it even matter? Who's to say their unit wouldn't still be disbanded? If not completely pulled apart, then certain chaos when they did come back together. Their boss had gone dark, one of their most stable detectives was down the rabbit hole, and her ex was in jail. Great track record we have. And well, she knew the issues surrounding her and Jay. All the things they hadn't said, and still needed to say. She could see how badly he wanted to tell her whatever it was on his mind in the breakroom, but she stopped him before he could. Because her fear overpowered her…love. Her being afraid was her norm, it was something she always had. She protected her heart by not letting anyone get too close, not all the way in. Because she had always worried that if they did, they'd run. She came with baggage, and she knew it was too much for some people. She had the broken relationships to prove it. But when she looked across the table at her partner, who seemed just as scared as she was, she knew. She knew that he wanted her just as much as she wanted him.
Jay stole another look at Hailey from across the island in her kitchen. He had finally forced himself to have a drink, needing to take the edge off. Not that it helped much. He thought he was feeling before, he apparently hadn't felt everything yet. Because being here, and being silent on the outside while inside, his feelings were threatening to spill, was eating him alive. He pounded back his beer, hoping the liquid would give him enough courage to speak. It was now or never, and he knew that.
"Hailey…I…about earlier…"
He watched her eyes flicker up, meeting his. He could get lost in those ocean blue eyes forever.
"Yes?" Her voice was barely a whisper.
He took a tentative step around the island, coming over to her side of the counter.
"I had more to say, it was just one hell of a day. And then the whole thing with Kelton blew up in our faces, and I still can't fully wrap my head around it." He ran his hands through his hair, and walked over to her couch, where he sank down with the weight of his worries. Hailey joined him, a sigh escaping her lips.
"I know. I just…I don't know what we're supposed to do from here. What's going to happen to us?"
He swore he heard her breath catch, and it didn't go unnoticed that she had echoed his earlier statement of "for us." So she had been thinking about it too.
Jay locked eyes with her again, before testing out his response. "What do you want to happen for us, Hailey?"
Her eyes darkened, and Jay couldn't pinpoint the emotion radiating from them. This time it was her turn to open and close her mouth, not able to get words out.
He took a deep breath, deciding to continue his confession. "Because I know what I want. Hailey, I want…I want you. And not just as a partner, a friend, or whatever we've been to each other over these two years. I want you in my life forever, to be by my side for life. And I know what I don't want. I don't want to forget you, Hailey. I could never, no matter what you may say or think. And I know you feel it too. I know that even though everything may be crashing down around us, there's nowhere else I'd rather be right now than with you. Here, in this moment."
He watched her eyes cloud over with tears, the same tears that threatened to spill in the breakroom today. This time, she let them.
"Jay, I – god, of course I can't imagine my life without you. You've become not only my partner and friend, but my #1 confidant and supporter. I can't do any of this without you. I don't want to. I need you so much, but I'm – I'm scared, okay?" She choked back more tears, and he reached his hand up to wipe them away. She grabbed his hand and wrapped it into hers.
"I'm scared that it's too much. Us, being together as more than what we've been. What if we can't handle it? What if I can't handle it? What if you can't? Because there's so much of me you don't know Jay, and I can't…I don't want to lose you."
Now it was his eyes that were brimming with tears. "Hailey…you could never lose me. I'm right here. I always have been, and always will be. I'm not going anywhere. You've seen me through my PTSD, my triggers, my….demons. And you stayed. I can't tell you how much that means to me. Whatever it is, I can handle it. I want to handle it. Because I want to be with you, no matter what."
Hailey sniffled, trying not to beat herself up for sounding like a blubbering idiot. She couldn't believe she was doing this. She didn't do feelings, commitment, the whole declaration thing. But with Jay, she wanted that. She wanted to be that person, and she wanted it with him.
"Jay, you know I'd never leave you. I'd never want to go anywhere where you weren't. I'd follow you blind, remember? And I meant that, still do. It's my heart that's having trouble catching up to my mouth right now…"
She wiped away a stray tear that had fallen down his face now. He still stared at her, more like through her, actually. And this time, she didn't look away. She didn't want to be scared anymore. She wanted to stay true to her word.
She could feel the heat coming off their bodies, and the intensity of their gaze was mind blowing. She could feel herself leaning in too, closer to him than she'd been before, even closer than the van scenario. She couldn't help but notice Jay drawing closer to her too.
Jay whispered one last thing. "I go where you go, right?"
Hailey smiled at him. "Right. We're always going to be good. But I want this moment to be great."
That was the last sentence to be spoken for the rest of the night as their lips met and sparks flew. So many it was like the night was meant for them. The atmosphere surrounding them was comforting…loving….home. Their bodies in sync, their touch electric. It was like time had stopped around them. It felt…right. What can they say: it was the thing that works between them.