Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Their first fight is over something so small, she can't even remember what it now. Whatever it is, it really isn't a big deal. It doesn't matter but she raises her voice anyway and Teddy raises his and she breaks his cup and he calls her out on it and all Lily can think is of something her grandma told her a long time ago: it's not what you're fighting about that matters, it's how you're fighting.
Suddenly, it all seems way more amusing then it should be and she ends up laughing and she sees the faintest of smiles on his lips.
The fifth one was about Molly and why the hell does he run to his ex every time she calls? And come to think of it, why the hell is she calling him in the first place? She's screaming at him, what, che can't quite remember but suddenly, he grabs her face with both hands and kisses her so hard it literally steals her breath.
The seventh one is about, funny enough, her choice of clothing. He yellsthat he doesn't want her dressing like a slut and she screams that he can't control her. Teddy gets more upset and accuses her of wanting to get unwanted attenion. Lily shouts that she's just happy with the way her body looks and he has no right saying that she's an attenion seeking whore. He says he's only protecting her.
It's not what you're fighting about, her grandma said, it's how you're fighting.
Because you're never fighting about what you say you are.
Then there is The Break-Up and that, well, that isn't even a fight. Teddy just sighs and he just looks so so so tired and Lily calls and calls and he never picks up and suddenly, things get better, then they get so so so much worse and she can't feel anything and the place where her heart is supposed to be is just hollow and all she wants to do is punch something until she bleeds, because at least he'll feel something.
So she just gives it all up and gives in because there is no way she can hurt anymore than he does now.
Are you okay? Lucy asks one day and she shrugs because honestly, she doesn't know anymore.
What's going on in that head of yours, Lils? She pokes her lightly with a finger. Lily shrugs again.
You're being awfully quiet, she says and she shrugs and looks away because maybe she is, maybe she isn't, maybe it doesn't matter and all in all, she doesn't give a fuck.
Communication is key in a relationship, you know. Lily raises her eyebrows at her cousin but otherwise doesn't say anything.
You should call him, she says after a moment. It can't hurt.
Well, that's true. Lily thinks. Nothing hurts anymore.
Sure. Because fuck it, why not? Worst thing that can happen is he doesn't answer. And she's already been through that, hasn't she?
Surpsingly, he does. And Lily goes over and they stare at each other for a long time over coffee and the silence surrounds them and Lily thinks that words were really overrated in the first place anyway and they stare at each other until they both give up and sit on the couch together and don't say anything until the clock strikes three in the morning. Teddy tells her they should go to bed is and just generally acts like there is absolutely nothing wrong.
Something breaks inside Lily.
She's standing up and she's screaming at him and they fight and they fight and Lily tears Teddy apart because it's only fair because he did that to her.
It's not what you're fighting about, it's how you're fighting. Because you're never fighting about what you say you are.
She doesn't even know what they fight about anymore. They just do.
Lily doesn't sleep very well anymore, not since the accident that claimed James's life, and sometimes she just stares at the ceiling until the clock reads three or four and she gives up and starts to wander around the house and somehow she stops in front of her brother's room and her chest hurts so much that she can't get enough air so she goes to bars and picks up random guys and yes, she does know how dumb and dangerous it is and she remembers Teddy calling her a slut and maybe he wasn't wrong but she doesn't give a damn.
Then he goes to Teddy's doorstep and stares at the door until it opens and she walks up the stairs, stinking like cheep whiskey and man's aftershave and her shirt is crusted with blood and she's not sure how that happened and then there's Teddy, leaning against the wall and she thinks she should feel something but she doesn't so she just snaps off a fuck off beforehe says anything.
She doesn't know what she's fighting about anymore. She just is.
(it's the only way she can feel anything anymore.)
Teddy's frowning, because what else can he do? Lily sort of collaspes to the ground and her eyes are so empty that it kills Teddy a little bit every tim.
His hands are gentle as he picks her up and has she always been so small and so light? He takes her down the hallway and to the bathroom and he places her on the stool and she just curls up and she's never looked so small, he's sure of it now. His hands are cool he takes off her top and he adverts his eyes from her black lacey bra and then he sees the cuts across her chest and suddenly a sick feeling takes over because he knows that they're from her. From the blade her gave her not to long ago.
He cleans the cuts up and she doesn't say anything and sometimes words fail and he tries to clean the one that is just inches below her heart but Lily won't let him.
I don't want to forget, she says and he doesn't know what she's talking about but somehow he thinks it goes back to him and they fight again and Lily can not stand that fucking pitying look that Teddy seems to have tattooed to his face and he hates the fact he keeps looking at her like she's fucking broken because she's not. You hear her? She's fucking not.
She pulls herself off the toliet and it doesn't matter she's not wearing a shirt and she's still bleeding a little and she hasn't eaten in days and her head is spinning and she can't see straight but fuck it all, she just needs to get out.
Lily, please. The words cut her and she thinks she should stop but she doesn't because stopping means hurting and hurting is something she just can't do right now.
She screams and maybe she's crying, maybe she's not, but she screams at him, because anger is something she can do and she can feel anger and anger is safe and she can do anger.
She says Teddy will never understand and really, it's not fair to him because his parents both died long before he really knew them but James...James was her brother and she should've died instead and Teddy just doesn't understand. Not anymore.
Teddy grabs her wrist and Lily slaps him because she can't stand to be touched by him anymore and the sound echos in the small bathroom and fuck it. Fuck it allbut he doesn't let go and his touch burns.
She laughs then. She laughs a strange, choked out sound and all she can think about is that Teddy will never come to her funeral because he can't stand them and there's something about that that is very funny.
Merlin, Teddy says and his voice shakes. He grips her wrist tighter, not enough to hurt her, but tighter and damn it. Lily, stop. Please, Lily.
But she can't stop. And she keeps making the stranger sound that is passing as a laugh and she knows she's crying now and Teddy is staring at her like she's broken and crazy and she wants to scream that she isn't and fuck him. Fuck, fuck, fuck him.
Teddy doesn't understand but see Lily, Lily was with James in that car and she shouldn't have died but she walked away with just minor injuries and James walked away in a casket and she. Should've. Died. With. Him.
She keeps laughing because and Teddy keeps looking at him with that look and he keeps saying Lily and she screams at him through the tears and the laughter, screams at him to shutthefuckinghellup.
And she keeps crying and she keeps laughing and she keeps screaming because what else is she supposed to do? What else is there left for her to fight for?
.