AN: I needed more of this ot3. I made more of this ot3.

Soulmate AU where listening to a song gets it stuck in your soulmates' heads.

Peter the Panda had two soulmates and they were both assholes. Assholes who would listen to two different songs at the same time, just to taunt him. Couldn't they hear how bad it sounded?

The day his soulmates met (each other) was somehow worse.

Instead of two conflicting melodies running through his head, there was only one. One song, designed to taunt him with its perfect synchrony.

Eventually, the day came to meet his soulmates, and it was the most awkward day of his life.

Reason 1: Anyone could see how absolutely, absurdly, devoted they were... to each other.

Reason 2: ...and he'd just come into the middle.

Reason 3: Somehow they'd never even noticed they were soulmates at all.

In the aftermath of their reconciliation, he tipped his hat and slipped out. He clearly wasn't needed here.

Heinz came to him sometimes to mope about nemesis woes, as if his life wasn't ironic enough already.

There was no way he could reassure Heinz enough, especially when the mention of soulmates made the man's face darken at the best of times, so he didn't bother. Why reopen old wounds?

And when their other soulmate got involved, there was no level of explanation that could soothe tensions.

It said something when Heinz getting kidnapped helped.

A glance at Perry and they'd fallen easily into place beside each other, the platypus who had it all and the panda outsider still searching for his rhythm. And, for a brief time, the world made sense.

The absolute worst part of having two soulmates, he decided eventually, and not only that but two soulmates who'd found each other first, was that he had to put up with their sex playlist.

It wasn't that he was jealous (although he was, he could admit that, he was mature enough for it). No, the problem was, their taste in music sucked. Bad enough he had to put up with it during the day, now he had to deal with it at night too?

One more round of Perry's fucking theme song, no pun intended, and he'd go over there himself.

He changed his mind. There were easier ways to fight back. Time to see how they liked ten hours straight of Nyan Cat.

They added it to their playlist.

Peter groaned, pulling a pillow over his ears like that could block out the sound reverberating inside his brain, certain he'd just made a huge mistake.

In a stunning return to his first, discarded, choice, the next time it happened Peter stormed over and kicked the door down, ready to give them a piece of his mind.

Predictably, this was also a bad idea.

"Ah, Peter the Panda, you're just in time," Heinz said, slowing to a stop, as if the whole thing had been yet another taunt. "We were wondering when you were going to show up, isn't that right, Perry the Platypus?"

...Or the best idea he'd ever had.

Definitely the worst, he decided, as he drove back to Seattle the next morning, massaging the ridge of his muzzle. We Are Number One, really? Both his soulmates were assholes.

Not much changed, and he wasn't sure if it should have.

He got invited along to movie nights now. It wasn't that much different from having them inflicted on his mind, but at least now he got a say in which movie they watched.

And some of the popcorn.

Some.

The rest, he was unsurprised to discover, usually ended up wasted, between his two asshole soulmates throwing it at each other, and the eventual flipping of the rest of the bowl.

Easier to stay out of that whole mess, he decided, nestling further into Heinz's side.

At least their sex playlist was better now. Either that, or it was less obnoxious when he was invited too. Probably the latter, because as much as he'd tried, he couldn't convince them to abandon Everytime We Touch.

He could do without the awkward boners every time his asshole boyfriends played Perry's fucking theme song (pun intended) though.

Assholes. Assholes with bad taste in music.

Perry had a weakness for chin scritches, he was fascinated to discover one day. One brush of his claws was all it took for his soulmate to melt into a puddle.

So did Heinz.

The obvious downside to this was both his asshole boyfriends pinning him down to see if he had one too.

Which he did.

Assholes.

Living so far away from them had its ups and downs. Mostly downs.

For one thing, he could never show up unannounced, not with his road trip playlist (driving in silence was not an option) blaring the whole journey over. They always heard him coming.

For another, joining in on their spontaneous dates was out of the question too.

On the third paw, whenever he did make it over to Danville, he was guaranteed the full attention of two very enthusiastic boyfriends. That, he decided, was worth all the bother.

On the fourth paw, he couldn't even visit as often as he wanted, between travel time and work responsibilities. Perry had it easier, since he at least lived in the same city as Heinz, but even he couldn't make it to all their dates.

Then someone (he suspected Heinz) thankfully arranged video dates, so he could join in from halfway across the country.

Conference call dates quickly became his favourite, making conversation over dinner and/or paperwork.

It wasn't always him who made the effort to visit.

He found that one out the hard way, when his asshole boyfriends ambushed him in his own lair when he got home from work. With dinner and a movie. And a sofa. He wasn't going to ask.

Besides, company (and Heinz's voice drowning out the movie, as per usual) made the whole place seem brighter.

Nestled into Perry's side, Heinz's fingers scratching at a hard-to-reach itch between his shoulders, he yawned, laying a free paw on Heinz's knee. As frustrating as his soulmates were sometimes, moments like this made the whole inconvenience worth it.

They left the couch there.

He slept on it sometimes, curling up in the lab coat Perry had passed him one day with a wink, taking comfort in the lingering scent of his boyfriends.

Well, more than sometimes. A lot. Most nights.

Apparently that wasn't good enough. As soon as they'd found out, they'd brought over a whole bed for him, to replace the functional stretcher he'd been nominally using.

And then had sex with him on it, "to break it in properly". At least they'd been nice enough to put down a towel first.

Perry had left after, citing work, while Heinz made himself comfortable on the bed that now smelled of all of them. On his part, Peter resigned himself to snuggles with only one of his soulmates (not that it was an imposition), tucking himself under the man's chin.

Then his asshole of a soulmate, a hand brushing idly through his chest fur, brought up a song to tease Perry with: The Kitty Cat Dance.

Perry was not amused.

For the next week, all he heard was Gitchee Gitchee Goo. Except the occasional cameo from Perry's fucking theme song.

Worth it.

The best thing about soulmates, he eventually decided, was definitely the part where he curled up with them both and listened to their hearts all beating in sync.

Nothing much had changed except, when he looked back, everything.

His gloomy lair had become bright and lived-in and full of voices (technically voice, singular, but Heinz talked enough for the three of them), and songs he'd used to loathe now brought a smile to his face.

The only thing that hadn't changed was that his soulmates were, as always, assholes. And he wouldn't trade that for the world.

AN: Crossposted from ao3. Title comes from THIS IS BROADWAYSTUCK by Broadway Karkat.