Can't Let Go
Disclaimer:The Hunger Games Trilogy and its characters solely belong to Suzanne Collins.
Summary:"You love me. Real or not real?" he asks. "Real." Katniss answers without any doubt and yet she knows that she can't give her heart to Peeta completely… Because a part of her cannot completely let go of Gale no matter what. Post-Mockingjay.
Pairings:Gale/Katniss, Peeta/Katniss, Gale/Johanna
Chapter One:
A dark haired woman at the age of twenty is spending some quiet time alone in the balcony. The wind blows at her small form gently. The night is chilly and she cannot help it but to pull her shawl tighter around her shoulders. The dizzying sounds of music and chattering inside the presidential mansion has driven her out to the balcony. Her gray eyes stare into her untouched glass of champagne. The woman lets out a tired sigh as she closes her eyes for a moment in order to clear her mind.
Today has been tiring for one Katniss Everdeen. It's the first time she attends the annual Independence Day celebration being held at the mansion of President Paylor at the heart of the Capitol. The Mockingjay has been able to ignore Plutarch Heavensbee's invitations for the first two years. But when President Paylor herself persuaded her to join them in the celebration, Katniss found it hard to refuse the president's invitation. Also, Peeta wanted to come so badly. He reasoned that it's one way for the past victors and friends to meet again. And with the thought of seeing her old companions, Katniss was convinced to go to the celebration.
It wasn't really that bad for her. When she stepped out of the train and was able to gaze at the skyscrapers of the Capitol, it brought about tons of unpleasant memories, she started shaking and Peeta had to aid her all the way into the car waiting for them. It wasn't until she was able to see her old prep team consisting of Octavia, Venia, and Flavius that she was able to lighten up.
They put her in a flowing long gown in the color of silver that matches her eyes beautifully. An evening dress made out of satin with a sweetheart neckline. It has spaghetti straps. The top is shirred with sparkling sequins that detail the straps and the front. The dress is simple yet elegant and Katniss looks gorgeous in it. She likes the fact that her prep team spared her hair of loads of bobby pins. They just left her silky dark hair to flow down her back in soft curls.
She expected buzzing reporters, fighting and hurting each other to get a few words out of her, Peeta, and Haymitch. She expected blinding flashes of cameras the moment they set a foot into the venue of the gathering. But nothing of that happened. They were welcomed by a good atmosphere. Familiar and unfamiliar faces acknowledged their presence. She stayed by Peeta's side as he was approached by one person and another. She exchanged a few words with President Paylor, Plutarch, and Fulvia.
She was actually starting to like the party. Everyone was so warm and welcoming to them. No one asked them questions that would be difficult for them to answer. The night just got better when Annie Cresta-Odair arrived wearing a sequined chiffon dress with a v-neck line in the color of sea green together with her adorable little son. Katniss spent the next minutes playing with Alexander Finnick Odair and talking with Annie. Peeta soon joined them at a table and almost got lost in his own world interacting with the almost three year old boy. The girl on fire could just tell how much Peeta adores the kid.
"Isn't Johanna staying with you at Four?" Katniss asked Annie wondering why the fierce female victor of District 7 was not with Annie.
"Oh… Johanna indeed stayed with me for the first two years. She and your mother helped me out a lot. Not just on taking care of Alex but of also myself…" Katniss noted how Annie spaced out for a moment there and was actually waiting for the woman to cover her ears and be absorbed in her own little world. But Annie surprised her when she smiled up at Katniss sweetly. "It was really great to have Johanna around but she moved out a year ago. She does visit me and Alex every week though." Katniss nodded in understanding.
"So Johanna moved back to District Seven?" Katniss asked. She watched Annie shook her head 'no' for a moment.
"She moved in District Two… which I think is great since it's a lot nearer to Four than Seven is. I've visited her there a number of times." Katniss felt a slight tug on her heart when she heard "District Two". It was just because she knows someone… she cares for who lives there. Annie's giggle snapped Katniss out of her thoughts. She turned her attention back to the woman.
"I guess she's in love." Katniss couldn't do anything but to just stare at Annie for a moment before she released a short laugh. The information was kind of hard for her to take in considering how she sees Johanna's image.
"Well… I guess that's good for her." She gave Annie a smile. Annie just smiled back at her brightly. Her green eyes were shining in delight.
"She is, Katniss. I can tell even though she never admitted to me. There's this guy who she often talks to over the phone and he dropped by at our place several times before as well… He's very handsome." Katniss couldn't stop herself but to feel happy for Johanna Mason. On the background, she could hear Alex's laughs as Peeta made funny faces in front of him.
"I just thought that I'll be seeing her here at the gathering… but…" Katniss took a moment to scan the spacious room filled with people before continuing. "I guess she's not here."
"I think she will come though." Annie said and Katniss hoped for the same too. A moment of silence passed them by when Annie spoke up again. This time even Peeta couldn't help it but to give his attention to her as well.
"It's Gale…" Annie trailed off, thinking deeply if she got the right person before she continued. Katniss locked her eyes on Annie upon hearing the name. "Yes! Gale Hawthorne. He was with us back in Thirteen right? He's the one Johanna's with." Annie was beaming at them. Katniss was gaping at her. She was just staring at Annie and Peeta couldn't seem to find the right words to say in response to Annie's revelation. Peeta watched Katniss excused herself. She went to the comfort room but didn't return to their table again. This was when she decided to go and take some fresh air in the balcony.
Katniss knows it's weird for her to act like this, mopping here at the balcony while everyone is being happy or talking about important things inside. She doesn't know what to really feel. Gale and Johanna are together. Gale and Johanna. Gale. She hasn't seen him for three whole years… just a few glimpses of him on television. Gale Hawthorne… Her best friend. Her hunting partner. A man she trusted. A man she tried to hate. A man she actually tried to forget but can't. A man she loves as a brother. A man she loves as a very close friend. A man she loved…loves?… She thinks she's acting stupid. She has no right to feel bad… or worse to be jealous. But no matter how hard she tries to smile about the fact of Gale and Johanna being together… she just can't bring herself to it.
She takes a deep breath and thinks that Peeta must be worried about her. She turns and walks back into the mansion. A woman blocks her way. "It's been a while, girl on fire." Katniss' face brightens up when her eyes locks with Johanna Mason's fiery brown eyes. Johanna is wearing this red beaded lace evening gown that shows much cleavage. Her brown hair is pinned up at the back of her head. Her red colored lips stretch into a smile.
"Johanna!" Katniss seems to forget about her earlier thoughts about Johanna being with Gale for she throws her arms around the girl and hugs her tightly. Johanna laughs.
"You seem to have missed me." She comments after they part from each other. Katniss smiles at her warmly.
"I thought you aren't going to come. I was actually looking forward to seeing everyone." Katniss says and Johanna tucks her arms under her breasts before huffing.
"Well I had to wait for someone's ass to finish some shitload of work before coming here." Katniss looks clueless about who Johanna's talking about but her heart seems to know who exactly the other girl is talking about… after all generals like him has a mountain of work to do that's for sure. After a moment, Johanna has this… unexplainable look on her face. It looks like she's torn between looking apologetic and curious. Katniss sees Johanna forming words but her attention is suddenly caught by the dark haired handsome man walking towards their direction.
It's Gale.
His gray eyes lock with Katniss' intensely. His eyes are shining and he is smiling at her. Katniss swallows the forming lump in her throat with difficulty as she feels sweat forming on the back of her neck. She reminds herself to breath steadily but each step he takes closer to their location; the harder it is for her to breathe normally. It almost feels like she's suffocating.
He stops right next to Johanna. Katniss doesn't miss how his arm snake around the curve of Johanna's waist… She also doesn't miss how her heart clenches painfully at the sight of this display. She can't even understand why she's feeling this way.
"Katniss." He greets her. His tone is too formal… too bland… too… too unlike Gale for her to take in. She chews on her lower lip for a moment and finds his shiny shoes interesting.
"H-Hey Gale." She hates how she just stuttered in front of him. She closes her eyes for a brief second and musters her courage to look up at Gale. Johanna shifts in Gale's hold.
"I'm hungry. I'm going to stuff myself for a while." It's just her reason so that she can leave the two alone. She knows very well how the two of them needs to talk things out. Katniss looks at Johanna's retreating form.
"So…" Gale starts but trails off. Katniss turns her attention back to him.
"Uhm… I…" Katniss tries to start the conversation but fails as well. The two drown themselves in awkward silence. After minutes and minutes of just standing there, looking stiff and out of place… Gale finally breaks the ice.
"Have you been in the garden here?" He asks. She understands that this is his way of saying that maybe it is better for them to talk in a less crowded place. The moment she notices that he's nervous just like her, she feels relief.
"Will you mind showing it to me?" He smiles; very glad that she has accepted his invitation for them to talk privately. She tries to deny the fact that her heart skipped a beat when he graced her with that infectious smile of his.
He leads her to the garden. They spend a few minutes admiring the different types of flowers. Katniss likes the fact that the flowers give off their natural sweet scent and that they are not enhanced. The two of them stop in front of a fountain. It is very pleasant to view and it provides soft and rippling splashes that the two find relaxing.
Katniss walks around the fountain, stopping occasionally to dip her hand into the cold water. Gale is fascinated by the trail of her silver-colored gown and wants to comment about how Katniss looks so beautiful tonight but decides against it. "So…" He looks up to see her face upon hearing her voice. She sits on the edge of the fountain, adjusting her shawl for a moment before looking straightly into Gale's eyes.
"How have you been?" She asks; amazed by how she managed to start the conversation.
"Well…" He straightens his posture more if that is even possible. "I've been fine. Work in the military is very hard… I have a lot of things to do most of the time. It's really hard… but I've grown attached to my job… It helped me actually…" She notices the change in his tone. He started out happy but then his last words had a tinge of sadness in them.
"Helped you?" She doesn't really intend to ask but her words are out before she could think about his reaction.
"It… It helped me to get through every day. It… It helped me get over things. Move on." Katniss knows what exactly he's talking about. Every single one of them needed something to hold them on their feet… They all needed to move on after the rebellion… no matter how bad their losses were. She feels glad that he managed to move on… but a small part of her fears that revelation.
"I can hardly think of other things when I'm working." He says. She smiles a small smile. "How about you?" He asks. Now it's her turn to tell him things that happened in her life.
"I… I'm good. I think that each day is getting better and better for me. I have Peeta and Haymitch…" She trails off but she doesn't look at him to see his face… she keeps on looking at the crescent moon being reflected on the surface of the water. "My mother is doing fine in Four… She can't still come back to Twelve… Maybe she will never be able to bring herself to come back… But it's alright. I'm happy that in some way she has found some peace of mind in District Four. How's your family?" She wants to add 'I haven't heard anything from them but I guess that's a given since I haven't heard anything from you for three whole years' but she cuts her sentence off. Gale shifts on his feet for a while.
"They are living at District Two. But we don't live in the same house anymore. My siblings are studying well. Rory is studying medicine…" Gale sees Katniss look at him. "He… wants to be a doctor." He swallows. He doesn't need to explain why Rory Hawthorne is aspiring to be a doctor now when he is fully capable of joining the military like his older brother. Gale knows that he just successfully managed to bring Primrose Everdeen into their conversation even if no one has mentioned her name.
"I…" Katniss looks away for a moment. There's longing, pain, and sadness in her eyes. Gale doesn't like the sight of it. It makes him feel like someone is choking the air out of his lungs. "I know he'll be a great doctor. I believe in him." She says and after releasing the breath Gale failed to notice he was holding; he nods at her in agreement.
"Vick seems to be interested in the military… I don't really try to encourage or discourage him though. And Posy… Posy is enjoying school. She has made a lot of friends. As for my mother, she's just doing great. She has nothing to worry about now." Katniss looks distant for a while like she's imagining how each member of his family is living their lives now. She's happy for them… For him.
Katniss stands up from being seated on the edge of the fountain. Her hands are twitching. She looks very hesitant. It looks like she wants to do something but can't really decide if she'll do it or not. "Gale." She looks at him and takes a step closer towards him. She is biting her lower lip. Another minute passes; they are just looking at the ground, refusing to meet the gaze of the other. She fists her hands at her sides and looks at him again. She notes how he seems to look taller now. His shoulders are broader. His hair is fixed in a neat style fit for his work and status. His face looks clean and smooth that at some point she wonders if he's still that boy she met eight years ago in the forest of District Twelve. His eyes look more intense like it's now a deeper shade of gray. And she just realizes this is the first time she sees him all dressed up and in a suit. "Gale…" She starts again. Her eyes seem to be looking right into his very soul and are trying to tell him something.
"Come here, Catnip…" He says; pushing down all the remaining invisible walls they have put up against each other by taking a few long strides to close the gap between the two of them. Katniss feels like she is back in the Reaping Day for the 74th Hunger Games, when she volunteered to take Prim's place in the Games, when she was in the Justice Building, when he entered that room where she was in and opened his arms to her, when she, despite thinking that nothing romantic was between her and Gale, jumped into the warmth of his embrace. It's like that moment. Katniss slips her arms around Gale's torso and holds him close; drowning herself in his familiar warmth and scent. He doesn't have any idea how much happiness he has given her the moment he called her 'Catnip'. It just feels like something is unlocked and set free from inside of her. She actually feels lighter now as she smiles in their embrace.
Gale hugs her like she's his long lost sister. He strokes her hair and kisses the top of her head. "I miss you, Catnip… And…" She feels him take a deep breath. "And I'm sorry…" Tears roll down her cheeks and she holds him tighter. He has done mistakes. She has done her own. She forgives him. She has forgiven him for a very long time. She wishes that he had come to see her sooner or maybe she herself should have tried to see him sooner. But it's alright. She understands him. He understands her. That's what really matters now. "I miss you too, Gale…" She finally says to him.
When they have pulled away from each other, Gale teases her about how her crying ruined her face. "Your make-up is all smeared on your face now… Your eyes look like those of a panda's." He's grinning at her and she punches his shoulder playfully. He cups her face in his hands and she relishes the feeling of those familiar calloused hands against her skin. He wipes the remaining traces of her tears off of her cheeks with his thumbs. "Just kidding… You look beautiful." Katniss gets lost staring into Gale's eyes. She closes her eyes when he leans forward. She bites down on her lower lip when he simply presses his lips on her forehead much to her disappointment. His hands drop to rest on her shoulders covered by her shawl. They move lower to rest on her bare arms and she stops herself from squirming because of the effect of his hands on her. Gale rubs her arms noticing that she feels cold under his touch.
"We better head back inside. You're getting cold." He says and she nods at him with a smile. On their way back, she shamelessly takes hold of his hand. Gale looks at her for a moment. There seems to be a look of confusion in his eyes first but he simply smiles, holding her hand back. He thinks that she's just probably cold that's why she wants to hold his hand. He has no idea how much Katniss wants to hold his hand… and it's not because of the cold.
The girl on fire was lost for a moment in a world with only Gale and her that when she sees Peeta… that little world of hers seems to burn down into ashes. She sees his blue eyes looking at the two of them before he looks at their holding hands. Peeta doesn't show his confusion. He just smiles at her somehow understanding that she's just overwhelmed to see her best friend again. Peeta hopes that's just it and nothing more. When Gale slips his hand out of Katniss' she feels like something break inside of her. She watches him pull a seat out for her before he settles next to Johanna. He then turns to little Alex and plays with him. Katniss suddenly… feels alone. No. That's not really it. She feels that he's… Gale's too distant. He's far away from her and it hurts.
She takes the seat Gale pulled out for her, a seat next to Peeta while Gale is seated across from her. Peeta quickly finds her hand and holds it. Katniss gives him a smile. She somehow wants to reassure him. But she doesn't even know what she wants to reassure of him. Everyone at their table seems to start talking and laughing except Katniss. She's confused why everyone looks like they're talking and moving in a fast pace while Gale talks and moves in slow motion. She felt happy and light when she was with him at the garden a while ago. They were good. But now she can't stop feeling that they're like strangers to each other again after their talk.
Gale catches her eyes. He seems to wonder why Katniss is looking pale and sick at the moment. But she manages to give him a crooked smile. He smiles at her. The way the lights seems to dance in his eyes as he smiles makes a warm feeling spread inside her whole body. But he just smiles at her for a short moment before he turns back to Johanna and Katniss feels left out again. She doesn't like it… doesn't like one bit of it.
"That's a pretty ring, Johanna!" Annie says happily and that's when everything seems to move normally from Katniss' perspective again. Annie's announcement is like a bucket of cold water being dumped on Katniss, jolting her awake. She doesn't want to see the ring. She doesn't want to know who gave it to Johanna. She doesn't want to know what its significance is. She's afraid she already knows. Annie is fascinated by the sparkling white gold diamond ring sitting on Johanna's left ring finger. Alex is fixated on the ring as well and is now trying to take the ring off of Johanna's finger but his mother stops him. Johanna just laughs.
"Is it pretty Finn?" She asks the boy before pinching one of his chubby cheeks playfully.
"Pretty!" The boy replies happily. The way his innocent sea green colored eyes shines makes Johanna smile.
"Seriously an engagement ring? Why hasn't anyone told us about of an upcoming wedding, General Hawthorne?" Peeta sounds very friendly and Gale thinks for a moment how to answer that while Johanna tries not to blush.
"We… haven't decided on a date yet." Gale says.
"Probably we'll never be able to decide on one because his every year is fully booked." Johanna says bitterly and Gale pulls her close to him to kiss her temple but she pushes him away. Annie finds them very cute and sweet and Peeta thinks the same way.
"Alright. It won't be really a long wait from now… Actually it's two months from now." Gale reveals and Peeta laughs at how Johanna's eyes widen in pure surprise. She turns and glares at Gale, giving him an elbow on the stomach. "I want to surprise you." He says.
"What if I don't want to marry you?" Johanna realizes how her question sounded so wrong by the look of shock on Gale's handsome face. "I-I mean… what if I'm not ready yet to marry you two months from now?" She blushes and her blush puts her red sexy dress in shame. This time when Gale pulls her close and kisses her hair softly, she doesn't push him away.
Katniss just watches them silently. She's in so much loss of words to say anything. She thought she loves Peeta. She loves Peeta Mellark. But why is she feeling this way right now? Why can't she feel any hint of happiness from the thought of Gale and Johanna getting married? All she can feel is… emptiness. She feels like she's totally losing Gale now. She's so confused of her feelings she wants to submerge herself in cold water thinking she might be able to clear her head in that way. She knows that it isn't right she's feeling like this but she cannot help it. Peeta gives her hand a squeeze. "Are you alright, Katniss?" She hates how Peeta just managed to draw everyone's attention to her.
"Oh… I-I'm fine. It must be the crabs… Yeah the crabs I had a while ago. I'm kind of allergic to those…." Katniss reasons out pathetically. "I simply feel… somewhat hot… like I have a little fever or something." She says. Peeta touches her forehead. She's indeed a little too warm for normal.
"You know you're allergic to crabs. You shouldn't have eaten them, Catnip." Katniss can't do anything but to just stare at Gale's worried face. She lied. But she's happy to know that he still worries for her. She gives him a weak smile before she drinks some water.
"They just looked so delicious… I couldn't help myself." Katniss gives everyone a reassuring smile. "I'll be fine." She tells them. She does hope she'll be fine and will be able to sort her feelings out. All she wants right now is for this night to finally end. She hopes that no one will bring up the topic of Gale and Johanna's wedding again for the rest of the night.
~End of Chapter 1~
I just thought of this plot late this afternoon while I was on my way to the mall XD It simply revolves around the idea of how Katniss and Gale can't let go of each other completely. It will be more complicated in the next chapters with people getting married and stuff. Thanks for reading and please do review!