Want Isn't The Same As Can't
"Tenderness in the breast, occasional nausea." The doctor scribbled on her notebook occasionally looking up at her patient. "When was the last time you had your period? Could you be pregnant?"
The words of the doctor chilled Riza to the bone. She couldn't be pregnant. It would ruin everything. It had to be a mistake. Her mouth opened but nothing came out.
"Lieutenant Hawkeye?"
Riza hated the pity she heard in the doctor's voice. Why wasn't she furious at her stupidity? She should be telling her how foolish it was to get pregnant when she was in the middle of this - whatever this was.
"I- I- I suppose there's a chance." Her head spun. She was glad she was sitting down as she was shaking. Her nails dug into her palms. "Come to think of it, I'm late but I put it down to stress." She shook her head. "But we've been so careful."
"Sometimes, accidents happen." The doctor continued in her infuriatingly kind voice. "Let me take a blood test and then we'll know for certain."
Riza just nodded and bit down hard enough on her tongue to taste blood. The doctor turned her back for a moment. When she turned around she had a syringe. Riza didn't register her putting it in until she felt the sharp pain in her arm. She winced as the doctor removed the syringe.
"I'll try and get the results rushed through."
Riza nodded again at the doctor's words. She thought about Roy waiting outside, concerned after she had fainted in the office. He'd insist on knowing what was wrong with her. She had come to lying on Roy's couch, where he made her rest before insisting on bringing her to the infirmary, even though she had protested that it was just a dizzy spell.
"Try not to worry, you might not be pregnant," continued the doctor. "I promise I'll let you know as soon as we have the results."
Riza pressed her hands together to stop them shaking. "Please do."
It was easy for the doctor to tell her not to worry. How could she relax until she knew? Her thoughts went back to Roy. Should she tell him? Why should she worry him when she wasn't certain herself? Then again, he was always so good at reading her; she may not be able to.
"I want you to go home and take it easy for the rest of the day. I'll try and rush the results."
Riza stood up and shook the other woman's hand. "Thank you, doctor. I'll be at home tomorrow, you can call me there."
She felt a little unsteady on her feet as she walked out the door. The door opened out into a small room with an adjoining bathroom. She couldn't face Roy like this. She went inside and locked the door behind her. She rested her head against the door. She breathed deeply and balled her hands to stop her fingers from trembling. They were always so careful, she and Roy. This was the last thing that they needed right now when they were very busy with the reconstruction of Ishval. Her eyes welled up and she shoved her fist into her mouth to prevent a sob from coming out. She sniffed and took a deep breath. When she was sure she wasn't going to cry, she took her hand away and looked in the mirror. She took some tissue and wiped at her face. She wanted that family she didn't have when she was a child. Although she knew this was a terrible time to fall pregnant, a part of her foolishly wanted it to be true. There were consequences they would have to face if she was pregnant. After all, the military didn't look kindly on illicit affairs between a commanding officer and his subordinate.
She shut her eyes. "Pull yourself together, Riza."
She drew up her shoulders. There was no point in thinking about it: it wouldn't change anything.
After a few more deep breaths, she left the bathroom and went into the waiting area where Roy was pacing, his back to her as she entered. He whirled around to face her, a soft expression on his face when he saw her, a look he had no business giving her in public. She desperately wanted him to take her into his arms and tell her everything was going to be alright. She couldn't. They couldn't, not here, not in public.
"What did the doctor say?"
She made a dismissive gesture with her hand. "Nothing to worry about, just my own foolishness. I didn't eat or drink enough this morning. The doctor recommended I go home and rest."
His forehead creased, he looked her in the eyes. "What are you not telling me?"
She should have known that her meek acceptance of going home rather than heading back to work would make him suspicious.
"Leave it, sir." He looked a little hurt at her sharp retort. Her face softened. "Just take me home, please."
He walked her to the car silently despite the furtive looks he kept giving her.
Roy got out of the car when they arrived back at Riza's apartment. The journey had been almost entirely silent, although she knew better than to think he had given up.
"You don't have to walk me inside."
"On the contrary, I do!" He glared at her. "My subordinate was ill and fainted. I think I have every responsibility of making sure she gets into her home safely."
She rolled her eyes. He walked right behind her as if expecting her to keel over any second. Riza stopped at her door and took out her keys.
"I'm coming inside," he said in a low but firm voice.
"General-"
"Lieutenant, your health is of my utmost concern. Please tell me what's wrong?"
She opened the door, sighing as she did so. "Just get inside before anyone sees you."
Regardless of what he said, they were still in uniform and that, if nothing else, would garner attention. He followed her inside and she shut the door behind him. She expected him to demand she tell him again, but he didn't.
"Sit!" he ordered.
Lifting an eyebrow, she retorted, "This is my home, not the office."
He smirked when she sat down. "I'm going to make some tea."
"Water is better for dehydration."
"Fine - water it is."
She watched him from the sofa as he filled two glasses. She didn't want to upset or worry him unnecessarily but he knew her too well to settle for half-truths. He caught her looking at him as he turned around.
"Like what you see?" He smiled but it didn't meet his eyes.
"Adequate," she said hoping for a real smile.
His lip twitched and he handed her a glass of water. "Nice try to distract me." Sitting down beside her, he took her hand. "You can tell me anything, Riza."
She licked her lips. "Roy, there's no point in telling you something I don't know for certain."
"And you think I'm not worried now?"
"Roy-"
"You think you have to bear burdens alone." He brushed her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "You don't, you have me."
"You can't carry this burden." She let out a half sob. "I -I think I might be pregnant."
His hand dropped. "P-P-Pregnant?"
Riza's eyes began to sting. "Maybe - as I said, I don't know for sure. That's why I didn't want to tell you."
He took her into his arms and held her tight. "It's alright, whatever happens, we'll deal with it."
She buried her face in the crook of his neck. "It's not alright."
"Maybe this isn't what we planned but if it's true we could still make it work."
He made it sound so easy. Bastard. But then he was always idealistic, a romantic at heart. Being practical was her forte.
"Roy, as much as I want to, I can't have a baby with you. At least not right now. We made a vow, a promise to fix our mistakes."
"I know." He rubbed circles on her back. "We'll do whatever you want, alright?"
"Want isn't the same as can't."
"Why not?" His voice was hoarse with emotion. "I would marry you if you'd have me. It would mean marrying you sooner than planned, but I'd put a ring on your finger in a heartbeat if you'd have me."
"What about becoming Fuhrer?"
"Why does it have to be a choice?" His voice was like honey to her ears. "It doesn't mean we have to stop pursuing our plan."
"Our relationship is illegal," she spat.
His voice even, he continued, "So, we go to the Fuhrer and take our punishment. I think he might go easy, considering he would be a great-grandfather, and he has always wanted me to marry you."
"No - stop." She shut her eyes. "Stop making it seem like a possibility."
He kissed her temple. "I'm just saying that it doesn't have to be a bad thing. No matter what happens, we'll get through it together."
She smiled. "Promise?"
"I promise." He intertwined his fingers with hers, a sheepish grin on his face. "I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself."
"I love you, Roy."
"Love you too." He put down his glass on the floor and cradled her face, his eyes boring into hers. "Someday, we'll get to have a normal life."
God, how she wanted that. She yearned to be able to act like a normal couple and have babies.
"I wish it were that simple," she whispered.
"So, do I."
She pressed her lips to his and he deepened the kiss. The glass slipped from her fingers and hit the floor with a crashing sound. Laughing, they pulled apart. He went to kiss her again but she pressed her hand against his chest.
"As much, as I was enjoying that, you should go back to work."
She laughed at his answering groan.
"Do I really have to?"
He put his hands on her waist - she knew where his mind was going.
"Sorry, General." She took his hands away from his waist ignoring his sexy, little pout. She prodded his chest with a finger. "You have a lot of paperwork waiting for you back in the office including the paperwork for the trip to Ishval."
"Which needs to be in by close of business," he finished.
She nodded.
His face fell. "Damn - why are you're always right?" He took out his pocket watch and checked the time. He gave her a searching look and his brow furrowed. "I don't want to leave you on your own, not after today."
"There's no need to be so foolish." She kissed his cheek. "I'll be fine. Now quit procrastinating and get back to work. I won't allow you use me as means of avoiding paperwork."
"That might be a perk of staying here, but it's not the main reason." He looked at her again, eyes boring into hers. "I'll go on the condition that I can come back after work."
"You shouldn't."
He arched an eyebrow. "I shouldn't be making love to you either, but you don't complain."
"Touche, General Mustang."
Roy was true to his promise. He arrived at Riza's that night after working late at the office and he didn't leave that night either. He wanted to know the results as soon as she did. Riza had to admit that he provided a welcome distraction from her thoughts. They spent their Saturday morning lounging in bed. It was so domestic. This could be their life if they got married, her treacherous brain told her.
Roy was in the shower when the phone finally rang. She took a steadying breath and picked up the phone.
"Is that Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye?"
"Yes."
"Hi Riza, it's Doctor Huberman and I have your results. I'd like you to come into my office if you can."
"Doctor, I've been worried. I'd rather not extend that. Can you just tell me on the phone?"
"The results came back as a positive, you're pregnant."
Riza let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding. "Thank you, doctor."
"I'll still need you to come in and see me. I'd like you to take some medication as your iron levels are low."
Blood rushed to her ears. Pregnant? She was pregnant. She heard a loud bang from the top of the stairs. She looked up to see a shirtless Roy taking the stairs two at a time.
"Riza, are you still there?"
"Yes - sorry. Alright, I'll come in on Monday."
"Good - make an appointment with Sharon, my receptionist, and we can discuss this further."
"Thanks," Riza said. "I will."
Roy stared at her as she put down the phone. "So, what's the verdict? Are you-"
"I'm pregnant."
They looked at one another. Riza put her hand on her belly. Now that she knew she was pregnant, she couldn't imagine letting this chance slip away regardless of the consequences. She knew this was insane but the idea of having a life inside her, a life created through their love, and she couldn't imagine wanting anything more than she this right now. All logic must have left her. There were so many reasons why they shouldn't do this. Was it selfish to want this? To bring a child into this fucked up world before they achieved what they had set out for. She was terrified but ecstatic at the same time.
"Are we really going to do this?" Her voice was small.
She knew what he said before but she had to wonder if he had changed his mind. Her worries slipped as he smiled.
"Riza, we're going to have a baby."
"Our baby."
His hands went over hers on her belly. "I'm going to marry you, and the three of us are going to make an adorable family. I'll be able to hold your hand and scream at everyone about how obnoxiously happy we are."
Riza laughed. "So disgustingly happy that even Hughes would have been appalled?"
"Oh, yes. And we will wake up in the morning holding one another," he whispered, fingers playing with her hair, "and we won't have to sneak away in the middle of the night." He dropped to his knees and took away her two hands from her belly. She watched him, a hint of amusement in her eyes. He kissed her belly. "Hello Baby Mustang, I know you can't hear me but I'm going to kiss your Mom's belly every day while she's carrying you."
Riza giggled. "Get up, you fool."
Smiling, he fished in his pocket.
"What are you doing?"
He pulled out a box. "Well I have to do this right, don't I?"
"You're on two knees, Roy. It's customary to be on one knee."
"Screw custom, you are the most incredible woman I have ever known, and I don't deserve you, so I will stay on two knees."
Sometimes it was hard to believe that her Roy and General Mustang were one and the same. His ridiculousness was somehow part of his charm.
pShe coughed then. "Are you going to ask?"/p
"You can't hurry perfection," he muttered, scratching the back of his neck.
He looked a little nervous, which was ridiculous since he knew she was going to say yes.
"Your knees will get sore, Roy."
He sent her a mock glare and held out the box revealing a silver band with a small, simple diamond.
"I love you Riza," he began, "and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much you mean to me. I've loved you for most of my life and I can't imagine a life without you in it. So, Riza Hawkeye, will you marry me?"
"Fuck, yes." Impatient, she threw herself into his arms. "How long-" She broke her question with a kiss.
When they broke for breath, he answered.
"I have it since after the Promised Day, but I've been carrying it in my pocket since you told me you might be pregnant."
"Put it on, put it on."
Smiling, he slipped the band on her finger. She held out her hand and admired it.
"I love it." Her eyes welled up.
She took his hands and pulled him upright with her. Leaning against his chest, she listened to his heartbeat.
She could feel his gaze and she looked up to meet his eyes. "This is the calm before the storm, Roy."
"I just want to enjoy this." He picked her up swung her around. "Leave it all behind tonight. We can figure out how to tell the Fuhrer tomorrow."
"In that case, I'd like my husband-to-be to take me to bed."
Fin
It's a bit soppy at the end, but I hope you liked it!