I am what I am
CHAPTER 1 : Facing the Big Black Hole
Dear Diary,
Today I'm not going to write about my failures. My hole life is a failure so why should I write it again and again ? This diary is gonna be boring if I continue to say « Tomorrow I'll try this or that », anyway I know that I will be rejected once again, rejected when I'm lucky enough not to be totally invisible. I guess I tried so much to conform that I become a kind of ghost day after day... My enthousiasm is dying and sometimes I wish I'd be like Axel. Actually I really do admire him... I wish I could stop taking things so seriously. Today is the day when I stop caring about things.
Sue felt much better after she wrote the entire pessimist thing she usually never let out. She decided to be honnest with herself even if she had to face the « black hole ». The « Black hole » is when you have to many bad thoughts and you can't get out of this trap. It has always been Sue's biggest fear. She wanted to be pretty optmistic even if it was easier to be careless. But, today was a different day. She decided not to focus about what she wanted to become, but to focus on what she really was and assume it once for all ! When she arrived at school, late because of this stupid diary thing, she bumped into a guy
« Hey... Hum... You ! You should try loser club, there you can be accepted, maybe ! »
She pretended not to care but actually she was really ashamed of herself.
« Dear student, today selections are open for the journalism club, don't forget to write your name on the list if you're interested »
Normally Sue would have write her name before everyone but she gave it up. She didn't write anything and she felt released about the fact she was not losing her energy to hope.
Dear Diary,
Hope is the worst sickness ever ! But still, I don't have any project now and I feel terribly empty ! Today Mom has to work on a week end all because of her stupid boss... So she forced dad to bring Brick at the library. Axel is at his friend's and I'm here... I feel like I'm about to cry. I feel like I want to explode... I need to talk to someone and the only person I know with a bit of compassion is my mother. Her job is not really a job because they don't have so many customers. Maybe I can try to come over, drink a coffee, change my ideas from things to people.
Sue walked a long time to reach the garage because sun was shining and she felt like she was doing something to have the body of a cheerleader. Again she did nothing without interest...
« Hello Bob
_ Sue ! Are you crazy ? Hebert hate when...
_ C'mon Brick did it a whole day once, I just want to drink a cup of coffee with my mother, I'm not going to sleep over »
She smiled. Bob looked at her. She wasn't smiling as usual, she was calm, less active, little bit more of a woman.
« I'm sorry Frankie is not here, someone came over to try a car, I hope she'll get it !
_ It's incredible, you're really not competitive at all !
_ Why should I ? Does birds flying in the wind are ? No. And my ambition is to be a bird so I kill this competitivity and burry it deep in the ground... »
She laughed. He found himself so stupid, so himself...
« Sorry Sue, I say so fast too many shit ! I can't believe it ! »
He didn't feel like if she was judging him and it was relaxing to see Heck family especially for this.
« So, let's have a coffee if anyway we have to wait »
She nodded, he asked
« Why are you here ? It's not really your habit to come, except if you have an emergency
_ The emergency is that I don't have any and I feel incredibly useless !
_ You know, when it happens to me, I look at this man across the road with the dog costume
_ That's how I will finish if I fail everything I do !
_ This is all because you want to be perfect, believe me, I know something about it
_ That's what happened to you ?
_ Yes
_ And how did you get out of there ?
_ I didn't ! »
She smiled again. A real, genuine smile. She was really feeling better.
« Do you know Gloria Gaynor ?
_ Bob, if a girl who ever had a breakup tells me she never heard « I will survive », then she's the biggest lier ever !
_ Try to listen « I am what I am », this is simple but deep enough to make you almost happy »
When Frankie came back, Bob felt suddently bad. He liked this little conversation with Sue. Not Sue « Frankie's daghter », Sue as a woman who suffered from break up and not finding herself good enough.
« I'm so sorry Bob you had to help me again ! I hope she didn't annoy you
_ No, it was a nice moment
_ We talked about Gloria Gaynor »
Frankie smiled
« Bob are you gay ?
_ No ! »
Suddenly, Sue had nothing to say to Frankie anymore.
Dear Diary,
Bob is quite funny and reasuring. Not a lot to say, I think I've said everything to him little by little, don't be jealous... I still want to finish on a positive note :
Your life is a shame till you can't shout out... I am what I am.