So… yeah, my time was taken by a boat and my brain was stolen for a time by BBS. And of course, what results? CRACK. Weep, oh fans of KH:BBS. This is me demolishing tragedy with a merry giggle flowing from my sneering lips. Gaw, if only there were still a Golden Tripe Fic Contest, I would so submit this thing!
For the full impact, you should really torture yourself further by listening to LMFAO's "I'm Sexy and I Know It" while reading this shlock. The cue for when you should start that song should be incredibly obvious.
Disclaimer: I in no way own any portion of the Kingdom Hearts franchise except the spiffy stuff I've purchased over the years. Please don't sue – I'm simply an E6 in the Navy, and therefore I have no money. Ha.
-BEGIN FIC-
The agony of defeat was excruciating.
What little remained of Terra slowly opened his proverbial eyes, a groan of disappointment and dismay leaking to his would-be lips as he took in his abode. Gaze sweeping over the pit of black that now abided in his heart, that vessel overtaken by the might and darkness of Xehanort, the faint light that constituted the remains of Terra flickered weakly as despair washed over him.
"That you're still here is boggling. Your body denies you. Your heart has been overtaken. And yet your mind remains, vainly attempting to regain that which it has lost. Your fortitude is impressive, boy."
Gritting his teeth, Terra pivoted and glowered into the smothering pith that coated his heart, finding the vague outline of the man who had cast those impressive shadows over his being with ease. "Xehanort," he hissed through grit teeth. "Don't believe you've won."
"Ah, but how will you fight back?" the stooped form of the Keyblade Master cackled, his lips twisted with a dark sneer. "You could not handle your own darkness. What leads you to believe you will triumph over mine?"
As blue eyes glowered at yellow, both narrowed with ferocity and determination, Terra growled with frustration.
"While you ponder your response, you'll have to pardon me," Xehanort stated bluntly, his teeth bared in an animalistic grin.
Blinking, stunned from his fierce glare, Terra's mouth sagged open uselessly before he blurted, "Huh?"
"You see, I haven't been this young in ages, boy. Now that the x-blade's energy has deposited me safely in the Realm of Light, I do believe it's time to indulge."
Terra stared, his eyes enormous, as Xehanort's image faded from his view. Instead of darkness, he was treated to what his body's eyes were seeing and what his ears were exposed to. A passenger in his own body, he could only stare in rapt horror as his body lifted his own tanned hand to run long fingers through thick silvery hair, yellow eyes narrowed and smug as they stared into the reflection of a building's window.
"Hm. Excellent. Time to test out the goods."
Terra whimpered.
The young man strode with confidence and ease into the common square of Radiant Garden, a smirk on his lips as he walked past gaggles of citizens. As eyes followed him, he rolled his shoulders, a quick glance focusing on a group of young ladies staring raptly at him.
Hooking his thumbs into the red straps that crossed over his chest, he quickly pulled them away and snapped them clean off.
As approving hollers roared from all around him, he grinned and turned on his heel, his arms open. Within an instant he had a woman on each side of him, their stunned companions staring with amazement, jealousy and defeat at him.
A casual wink of a golden eye preceded his cocky stroll from the crowd, each hand resting on a breast and twittering coos flowing into his ears.
Terra glared coolly, a sharp tic of his right eye betraying his annoyance with the Keyblade Master that had taken control.
Radiant Garden did, in fact, have a beach.
Xehanort peeled the shirt his body wore off, his grin never leaving his lips as he made it a long, languid display to delight his growing crowd of enthusiastic young women.
Squeals and cries of adoration and lust rocketed from the crowd as fabric slowly crept up tanned flesh, exposing rock hard abdominals and a chiseled chest. As his shirt left his skin bared, the soft fingers of his entourage crept over his body, daring to dip along the waistband of his flowing obi-style pants and tug impatiently at the belt that held those pants on his scant hips.
Whipping his shirt over his head, he tossed it into the crowd and watched with amusement as girls sprang after it, hair flying and nails scratching as they fought over the casually offered prize.
Laying a hand on the backside of one particularly curvy woman, he grinned as he stooped to lay his lips on her ear. As she flushed red from head to toe, he breathed quietly, "Do you want to find out what we've got under these pants?"
As she squealed and promptly fainted, the light of Terra within Xehanort's new vessel buried his face in his hands and groaned.
Fortunately for Terra's increasing shame, Xehanort did not remove his pants on the beach as the younger Keyblade wielder had feared he might. Instead, Xehanort decided to stroll along the beach without a shirt, abandoning his shoes to another devoted follower. With his horde of followers behind him, he strolled along the sandy expanse that bordered the waters that lapped at the fringes of Radiant Garden.
Terra nearly squeaked in shock as he bore witness to a gutsy young woman thrusting her hand down his body's pants, giving a startled gasp when she discovered that the young man did in fact go commando under that soft, billowy tan fabric and then granting him a sultry smile as she gave him an appreciative squeeze.
"Well," his throaty voice growled, Xehanort's amusement coloring its tone, "it seems you're bored of the pants."
"Oh yeah," she whispered, her voice husky with desire.
"Then let's rectify the situation."
Only the glower of the guards who'd appeared to investigate the odd conglomerate of woman rolling over the beach kept Xehanort's pants on his body. One of them all but growled at him, his impressively thick arms crossed over his chest and his right hand's fingers drumming impatiently on the head of the battleaxe he wore on his hip. The other rubbed his impressive eyebrows, his eyes narrowed as he snarled an order for the crowd to either disburse so others could enjoy the beach without their nearly pornographic displays centering around the only man in their gathering or to get to a damned hotel.
Terra sank to his knees, staring in rapt horror as his body responded without hesitation and with a considerable amount of cheer to the guard's demands, seeking out a hotel post-haste. The brunet in the depths of the body's heart's darkness continued to stare in amazement as he strolled into the nearest hotel and, despite his lack of shirt and shoes, still got amazingly prompt service.
Terra cried in a dark corner of his heart, hugging his knees to his chest as the screams of a woman wailing for 'Nortie' to 'wiggle it more' and 'get it in deeper' rang throughout his surroundings.
As the body stared at the ceiling, dazed and satisfied from his romp with the energetic ladies that had accompanied him to the hotel, Xehanort sneered at the crumpled ball of Terra's light that stared at him with horror. "Come now, boy. It was an enjoyable afternoon."
"You violated me," Terra whimpered, his intended growl coming instead as a pathetic simper.
"No, five women volunteered their services, which I thoroughly enjoyed. You should be proud of what you have, boy. Why keep it hidden away?"
"I was saving myself for Aqua!" Terra bit.
"A waste," Xehanort huffed with a wave of a hand.
Terra smacked his forehead as a buxom blond with lusty green eyes instantly attended to his body's normal response to nighttime fantasies of his blue-haired friend.
As the light of day began to gently filter through the drapes drawn across the hotel room's impressive window, Xehanort stirred and opened his eyes. Taking in the sight of the five nude women cuddled with him, he sneered and tightened his grip around the ones curled against his chest.
"Mmmm, Nortie..." one of them whispered in her sleep even as the others stirred and looked at him with drowsy smiles.
"Good morning, ladies," he stated, his voice low and sultry.
As they laid kisses over his bare skin, he chuckled. "Going to service me?"
"Of course, Master," each girl whispered with smiles on their lips as they proceeded to deliver morning satisfaction to the bronzed body in the center of their gaggle.
"Ha ha! And so you see, boy! All shall know me as Master, in one way or another," Xehanort cackled, wriggling his fingers in glee as he stared at the brunet that stood across from him in the dark pith that constituted the body's heart.
Terra simply threw up in hands in defeat.
"Yo, Mister Master!"
Turning his head, his stroll through Radiant Garden brought to a temporary pause, Xehanort turned and smirked as the thug he'd hired to assist him in bending Terra's heart to darkness jogged to his side. "Briag," he casually greeted even as the women on his arms tightened their grips on him.
A few seconds passed as he glowered at the girls coolly and dismissed them. As they slunk away, he turned a brilliant sneer towards the man at his side. "What do you say we go for hookers and blow?"
Terra found a wall in his shadowy prison and beat his face against it.
The young man found himself in the center of the town square, staring at the sky. Xehanort blearily watched clouds roll by, his wrinkled shirt bunching uncomfortably under his suspenders, his pants barely held on by a loosely fastened belt, hickeys bruising his chest and his shoulders, the scratches left by fingernails itching along the entire length of his back.
None of that mattered to his hazed mind, though, as he pondered the meaning of the color blue.
"I am so high," he stated blandly to the air above him.
Within the depths of darkness, Terra crossed his arms and huffed. "And whose fault is that?"
Xehanort glanced over at him from across the void of black, a smirk on his wrinkled, aged lips. "I never would have suspected that you were so pure, Terra. This body's tolerance is surprisingly low. Perhaps I'll have to rectify that."
"Yeah, you keep thinking that," Terra stated with a bland grunt. "Meanwhile, Aqua can kick your ass."
"Ah, Aqua!" Xehanort cackled as he turned his attention back to what the body was doing, ignoring his blank and hazed whispering for clarification of who he was, wrenching control of the vessel from the drug-addled haze that had left him incapacitated.
Terra snorted as he watched the battle, taking the moment when the body was at his weakest and Xehanort was struggling to maintain him in the battle against Aqua with the power of his darkness.
Leaping forth with power of his own while Xehanort was distracted, he attempted to wrench control of the vessel away from the old Keyblade Master.
Grappling with the Master, Terra battled valiantly against darkness with light. Both ignored the events whirling around the unconscious body they simultaneously possessed, failing to notice its transition from the Realm of Light to that of Darkness and back again.
Terra was soundly beaten and pushed back into the darkness of the body's heart.
"As stated, boy. Your own darkness was very nearly your undoing. Mine most certainly is. You can not win."
"Neither can you," Terra bluntly stated as he rose to his feet, dusting his pants off as he did. "I refuse to let you."
A sharp chuckle snaked from Xehanort's lips. "You believe the power of your faint light and wavering determination will be sufficient to overcome my power? Foolish neophyte."
As they both heard the body they shared quietly respond that his name was Xehanort, the elderly Master sneered. "Hear that, boy? This body is mine. Its heart is my heart. It doesn't recognize your light. Without any tether to this vessel, how do you propose to wrench control from me?"
Closing his eyes, his lips turned in a soft frown, Terra sighed. "No matter how much you boast, I am still here. I will find a way. Rest assured in that."
They both stared at the vision the body's eyes were taking in, sensing the lack of familiarity the mind of that body had with its surroundings.
Xehanort's mouth fell open, his lips slack, as realization poured over him. "You…."
"Have fun rebuilding from square one," Terra stated bluntly, his azure eyes narrowed and verily aflame with victory.
"A wiped mind! Damn you, boy," Xehanort snarled, frustration coloring his gravelly voice.
They both watched, one triumphant and one dissatisfied, as the body stood before a mirror in the room he'd been deposited in, staring with golden eyes at a frame he didn't recognize and lightly running long fingers over tanned skin and silver hair.
"Hm," the body's voice rang throughout the room.
"Not bad. Perhaps it's time to test the goods."
Xehanort cackled as Terra stared, eyes huge and mouth hanging open.
As Xehanort's body pulled a leopard-print Speedo onto his bare body and stared admiringly at his reflection in the mirror, an experimental hip-thrust and a laugh at the subsequent result preceding a profession that the ladies would love this, a voice shouted from outside the room – Briag, asking if Xehanort was feeling up to finding any action in the town that night.
Throwing open the door, his body still nude with the exception of his all-revealing Speedo, Xehanort smirked at Briag with confidence and glib enjoyment of the situation he'd found himself in overriding the irritation his amnesia poured over his brain. "Of course. You up for hookers and blow?"
Terra screamed.
-the end-