Title: Lifejacket
Theme: Seeking Solace
Rating: K
Summary: AU: Olivia is a soldier; could possibly be part of The Longest Night and Days 23, 26, and 29 of 90 Days of Cabenson.
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His wife slaps you, berates you, screams at you. His kids – the same one that refer to you as "Aunty Liv", that brought you to Career Day and Show & Tell, that you shower with love and little gifts from your international tours – look at you with thinly-veiled disdain.
You take it all without flinching, without backing down.
Because you know you deserve this; you've been doing the same thing to yourself for over a week now.
Still in the anger stage of grief, his wife goes to push at you, but you capture her wrists in your hands and pull her into a tight embrace. She hits your chest and pushes against you, yelling at you until people begin to stare, but you remain stoic, holding her until the agony overtakes the anger and she is left falling apart in your arms, clutching to you like you are a lifejacket and she is drowning in a turbulent ocean.
Your wife sits in a pew less than ten feet away, his youngest child sitting quietly on her lap, playing with her glasses, while his other children listen with rapt attention as she regales them with stories of their father.
The service is about to begin, and as his partner, it is your duty – to him and to yourself – to remain stoic and strong and in control of yourself. There will be time for you to mourn later; right now it is about him and his family.
You pull your white glove off your left hand and reach into the pocket of your service uniform trousers for your handkerchief, using it to wipe the tears from underneath his wife's eyes. You let her keep it, knowing she will need it more than you.
Everything goes according to plan and both the ceremony at the church and the burial pass without incident.
It is not until it is your turn to speak at the graveside that your emotions get the best of you.
"When I first met Corporal Elliot Stabler, he was a scrawny eighteen-year-old with an incredible sense of patriotism and adventure. We became fast friends during Orientation Week, and even better friends over the ten weeks we spent in training."
"Those of us that had the honor of serving with Corporal Stabler know how dependable and admirable a soldier he was, but more than that, the Elliot we had as a friend was a man we will never forget."
"Corporal Elliot Stabler gave the ultimate sacrifice in a true act of loyalty and patriotism for his country. He was a true patriot, full of bravery and valor. He will be truly missed."
You step back into formation, your mask breaking as silent tears rolls down your cheeks.
The ceremony ends after the 21-gun salute and the playing of Taps.
You will not speak again until the next morning.
You are in the shower with the water beating down on you as hot as you can take it when the tears begin. They start off slow and gradually build until you are leaning against the bathroom wall, sobs wracking your body.
Your fault.
It is your fault he died, your fault he took that bullet.
It is your fault his wife is a widow and his children do not have a father.
But then Alex's arms are wrapped around you and the water is turned to a much more bearable temperature.
Your wife. Your everything.
Dressed in her pajamas, she holds you tight, ignoring the water as it soaks through her clothes.
She doesn't tell you it isn't your fault.
She doesn't tell you there was nothing you could've done.
She knows you are berating yourself and nothing she says will stop you.
She also knows her presence comforts you.
You need her.
More than anything, you need the solace she brings.
With her, you are safe.
With her, you are home. And that has made all the difference.
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