*Cheesy music from the 60s plays as a set is lit up with bright colors and plastic furniture in overflow. Fi walks in, dressed in a sparkly pink dress with matching sparkly shoes*
Fi: Hello, and welcome to "The Dating Game"!!!
*Cheesy music and canned applause*
Fi: Thank you. I'm Fi Phillips and I'll be your host for this evening!!!
*more applause*
Fi: And tonight's contestant is…Annie Thelen!!! Annie, come on down!!!
*cheesy music starts up as Annie comes onstage from off in the wings, also dressed in sparkly clothes. She smiles and waves to the audience before sitting down*
Annie: Hi, Fi!!! It's great to be here!!!
*more applause*
Fi: And it's great to have you here. Now Annie, it says here you like singing, solving mysteries and playing with your imaginary panther!!!!
Annie: That's right, Fi!!!! I'm also hoping to find my dream date here today!!
Fi: Well then, let's get started!!! Gentlemen, introduce yourselves!!!
*cheesy music plays while the guys, hereafter known as Bachelors 1, 2, and 3 introduce themselves*
Bachelor 1: Hey, Annie.
Bachelor 2: Hi, Annie.
Bachelor 3: WAAAAAASUUUUUUUUP!?
*canned applause*
Annie: Uh…hi guys!!!!
Fi: Now, for your first question.
Annie: Bachelor 1, if you were an ice cream topping, which would you be and why?
Bachelor 1: How is this relevant to picking a date?
Fi: Just answer the question!!!
Bachelor 1: Fine. I'd be sprinkles.
Annie: Why?
Bachelor 1: Uh…cause everyone likes them?
Annie: Um, okay. Bachelor 2, same question.
Bachelor 2: I'd be caramel, cause I'm sweet and a little of me goes a long way.
Annie: Sure. Bachelor 3, same question.
Bachelor 3: I'd be hot fudge, because then I could *censor* and *censor* you and we could *censor* like *censor*.
*stunned silence*
Fi: Bachelor 3, we're on network TV.
Bachelor 3: Sorry.
Annie: Uh…well, that was…graphic.
Fi: Next question!!!
Annie: Sweet Jesus, do I have to read this?
Fi: Yes, you do!!!!
Annie: Fine. Bachelor 1, if we were on a date and your ex showed up, what would you do?
Bachelor 1: I've never really had a girlfriend before.
*audience goes AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW*
Annie: Whatever. Bachelor 2, same question.
Bachelor 2: I'd start making out with you in front of her so she could see what she gave up.
Annie: Ew. Bachelor 3, same question.
Bachelor 3: Awww, honey, I'd *censor* and then we could *censor* and then once you've *censor* we could all just *censor*
Fi: Bachelor 3, that is really inappropriate and I fail to see why you'd need a sheep. Annie, you may continue.
Annie: I don't want to.
Fi: Do it or your demo goes in the trash!!!
Annie: Okay, Bachelor 1, we've been together for a year and tomorrow's our anniversary. What did you get me?
Bachelor 1: I don't even know you.
Annie: Pretend.
Bachelor 1: Oh, well, in that case, I'd buy you some flowers and maybe some jewelry. Do you like jewelry? Cause I could get you something else.
Annie: Uh, no, that's fine. Bachelor 2, same question.
Bachelor 2: If we've been together for a year, I don't see why I'd have to get you anything.
*boos and hisses from the audience*
Annie: Yeah, whatever. Bachelor 3, same question.
Bachelor 3: Well first I'd *censor* and then we'd *censor* and then *censor* *censor* *censor* and then I'd make you pancakes.
Fi: Well. Isn't that lovely!!? We'll be back in a few minutes and Annie will make her choice. Will it be Bachelor 1, the boring predictable guy, Bachelor 2, the insensitive jerk or Bachelor 3, the sheep *censor*.
*cheesy commercial for something*
*music, lights, and canned applause*
Fi: And we're back!!!! Annie, have you chosen your dream date?
Annie: Well, after much careful deliberation, I have chosen Bachelor 3!!!!!!!!
*canned applause and music*
Fi: Well, let's see who you DIDN'T choose. Bachelor 1 is a college man with muscles for brains and a year-round tan that would be oh-so-sweet to…Ahem. Let's welcome Cluett Bell!!
*Clu comes out*
Clu: It could've been fun, Annie.
Annie: Clu? Wait, no, Clu!!!! Come back!!!
Fi: Bachelor 2 is a musician with a thing for leather pants, let's welcome Carey Bell!!!
*Carey comes out*
Carey: Too bad about this, Annie. You could've had all this. *makes sweeping motion over his body*
Annie: Carey!!? Wait!! I do want all that!!!!
Fi: So let's see who your lucky dream date is!!!
*Jack walks out*
Fi: JACK!!!? You're the sheep *censor*?
Jack: Awww, yeah baby, that's right. Come here, sugar. *he pulls Annie into his arms*
Annie: Can I have a do-over?
Fi: No!!!! You can't!! But you can spend a fabulous evening with your dream date at the Wilshire State Hotel and resorts, where you will be pampered and fluffed and generally made spiffy.
Jack: Great. Come on, hot stuff, we're wasting valuable *censor* time.
Annie: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*he drags her off stage*
Fi: Well, that's all for today. Tune in next week for another episode of "The Dating Game"!! Hey, Clu? Wait for me!!!!
*the lights fade as cheesy music ends the program*
Fi: Hello, and welcome to "The Dating Game"!!!
*Cheesy music and canned applause*
Fi: Thank you. I'm Fi Phillips and I'll be your host for this evening!!!
*more applause*
Fi: And tonight's contestant is…Annie Thelen!!! Annie, come on down!!!
*cheesy music starts up as Annie comes onstage from off in the wings, also dressed in sparkly clothes. She smiles and waves to the audience before sitting down*
Annie: Hi, Fi!!! It's great to be here!!!
*more applause*
Fi: And it's great to have you here. Now Annie, it says here you like singing, solving mysteries and playing with your imaginary panther!!!!
Annie: That's right, Fi!!!! I'm also hoping to find my dream date here today!!
Fi: Well then, let's get started!!! Gentlemen, introduce yourselves!!!
*cheesy music plays while the guys, hereafter known as Bachelors 1, 2, and 3 introduce themselves*
Bachelor 1: Hey, Annie.
Bachelor 2: Hi, Annie.
Bachelor 3: WAAAAAASUUUUUUUUP!?
*canned applause*
Annie: Uh…hi guys!!!!
Fi: Now, for your first question.
Annie: Bachelor 1, if you were an ice cream topping, which would you be and why?
Bachelor 1: How is this relevant to picking a date?
Fi: Just answer the question!!!
Bachelor 1: Fine. I'd be sprinkles.
Annie: Why?
Bachelor 1: Uh…cause everyone likes them?
Annie: Um, okay. Bachelor 2, same question.
Bachelor 2: I'd be caramel, cause I'm sweet and a little of me goes a long way.
Annie: Sure. Bachelor 3, same question.
Bachelor 3: I'd be hot fudge, because then I could *censor* and *censor* you and we could *censor* like *censor*.
*stunned silence*
Fi: Bachelor 3, we're on network TV.
Bachelor 3: Sorry.
Annie: Uh…well, that was…graphic.
Fi: Next question!!!
Annie: Sweet Jesus, do I have to read this?
Fi: Yes, you do!!!!
Annie: Fine. Bachelor 1, if we were on a date and your ex showed up, what would you do?
Bachelor 1: I've never really had a girlfriend before.
*audience goes AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW*
Annie: Whatever. Bachelor 2, same question.
Bachelor 2: I'd start making out with you in front of her so she could see what she gave up.
Annie: Ew. Bachelor 3, same question.
Bachelor 3: Awww, honey, I'd *censor* and then we could *censor* and then once you've *censor* we could all just *censor*
Fi: Bachelor 3, that is really inappropriate and I fail to see why you'd need a sheep. Annie, you may continue.
Annie: I don't want to.
Fi: Do it or your demo goes in the trash!!!
Annie: Okay, Bachelor 1, we've been together for a year and tomorrow's our anniversary. What did you get me?
Bachelor 1: I don't even know you.
Annie: Pretend.
Bachelor 1: Oh, well, in that case, I'd buy you some flowers and maybe some jewelry. Do you like jewelry? Cause I could get you something else.
Annie: Uh, no, that's fine. Bachelor 2, same question.
Bachelor 2: If we've been together for a year, I don't see why I'd have to get you anything.
*boos and hisses from the audience*
Annie: Yeah, whatever. Bachelor 3, same question.
Bachelor 3: Well first I'd *censor* and then we'd *censor* and then *censor* *censor* *censor* and then I'd make you pancakes.
Fi: Well. Isn't that lovely!!? We'll be back in a few minutes and Annie will make her choice. Will it be Bachelor 1, the boring predictable guy, Bachelor 2, the insensitive jerk or Bachelor 3, the sheep *censor*.
*cheesy commercial for something*
*music, lights, and canned applause*
Fi: And we're back!!!! Annie, have you chosen your dream date?
Annie: Well, after much careful deliberation, I have chosen Bachelor 3!!!!!!!!
*canned applause and music*
Fi: Well, let's see who you DIDN'T choose. Bachelor 1 is a college man with muscles for brains and a year-round tan that would be oh-so-sweet to…Ahem. Let's welcome Cluett Bell!!
*Clu comes out*
Clu: It could've been fun, Annie.
Annie: Clu? Wait, no, Clu!!!! Come back!!!
Fi: Bachelor 2 is a musician with a thing for leather pants, let's welcome Carey Bell!!!
*Carey comes out*
Carey: Too bad about this, Annie. You could've had all this. *makes sweeping motion over his body*
Annie: Carey!!? Wait!! I do want all that!!!!
Fi: So let's see who your lucky dream date is!!!
*Jack walks out*
Fi: JACK!!!? You're the sheep *censor*?
Jack: Awww, yeah baby, that's right. Come here, sugar. *he pulls Annie into his arms*
Annie: Can I have a do-over?
Fi: No!!!! You can't!! But you can spend a fabulous evening with your dream date at the Wilshire State Hotel and resorts, where you will be pampered and fluffed and generally made spiffy.
Jack: Great. Come on, hot stuff, we're wasting valuable *censor* time.
Annie: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*he drags her off stage*
Fi: Well, that's all for today. Tune in next week for another episode of "The Dating Game"!! Hey, Clu? Wait for me!!!!
*the lights fade as cheesy music ends the program*