Forgiveness

"Another case complete," Dean said, masking his words in false cheer. It didn't work, judging by the look of masked pity in his brothers gaze. They approached the Impala, ready to drive back to the bunker, ready to look after Kevin and Crowley and to ignore the gaping hole in his chest where his heart should be because there was something missing, something that should be there.

As they reached the smooth black car, Sam turned and froze.

"Dean!" Sam hissed at his brother.

"What Sam?" But looking at the younger Winchester, Dan knew immediately that something was up. Something big.

"Look!" Sam points across the road to a small laundromat. Dean follows his finger, and what he spots has his heart stuttering and his breath catching and before he knows what he's doing he's running across the road, ignoring the traffic and the horns and Sam's calls, because he can only think of one thing, only focus on one thing.

"Cas!" Dean shouts it, but the angel seems not to hear.

Bursting into the shop, he skids to a stop in front of Cas, who is looking up at him with shock written all over his face. The angel had just dropped a basket of laundry onto the bench in front of him.

Gathering the angel into his arms, Dean took in a deep breath of a smell that uniquely Cas, that belonged only to him. He didn't take any notice of the fact that the angel did not return the hug – he was oblivious to human cues, so he probably didn't know how to return the hug.

"Hello Dean." The angel looked up at him, and Dean felt a rush of gladness, of relief, of happiness, at hearing those two words spoken in that gravelly voice. Cas was here, he wasn't a dream, was real.

"I'm so glad I found you, Cas I- we were really worried about you Cas. I'm so glad you're okay." Sam had entered after him, and was smiling at Cas.

"Cas! Thank God you're safe. Dean was pulling his hair out because he didn't know what had happened to you. Pretty sure that if he hadn't found you soon he would have gone bald ten years earlier than he normally would have."

Dean felt his neck flush slightly at his brother's words. "Yeah, well, that doesn't matter anymore. You're going to come back to the bunker, and tell us all about what you've been doing and where you have been, and then I'll be mad at you for not coming straight to us, and then I'll forgive you and we can all laugh about it later. Come on." Dean didn't notice the way that the angel had flinched at the mention of forgiveness.

"I cannot leave with you Dean." The angel peered up through his lashes, as if imploring Dean to understand. Which he did not.

"What? What are you talking about Cas, of course you're coming back with us." Maybe only Sam could have heard the desperate undertones in his voice. His brothers eyes turned to him, and Dean tried to ignore how the flash of pity he saw there did things to his gut, to his heart. Cas couldn't leave. Not again.

"I cannot, Dean." Cas was pulling his clothes out of his basket and placing them on the bench in front of him, ready to sort.

"Sam. Go back to the Impala, wait for us there." When Sam opens his mouth to say something, Dean just looks at him and Sam closes him mouth and turns.

Sam leaves, and Dean is left with a former angel that seems intent on forgetting everything, and failing miserably.

"Cas. Please, come with us." Dean tries to reason with the former angel, watching him fold laundry as if it's the most normal scene in the world. It's all Dean has to do to keep form shuddering. There is something very wrong here. The angel should not have to fold laundry.

"No, Dean." Cas kept his eyes on the clothes in front of him.

"Why?" Dean hissed at him. "Why won't you come with us?"

"Because I don't deserve to be with you Dean. Because I'm not an angel anymore. Because Metatron tricked me, and because when he ripped out my Grace as the final ingredient of the spell I could do nothing to stop him, because through my actions, my siblings fell to earth. I do not deserve any measure of happiness. I do not deserve anyone's forgiveness." Cas finally looked up at him, and Dean wanted to rip the world apart in retaliation for the tears that were gathering at the corners of his eyes.

"Bullshit. Cas, It sounds like that wasn't even your fault. How could you have known that Metatron would want to bring down Heaven? We all trusted him, it's not your fault." Dean repeated his words, as if that could make the fallen angel believe his sincerity.

Cas shook his head slowly. "You cannot understand the depth of pain I have right now Dean. I cannot be near you. Please leave. The only thing that could make me believe that it was not my fault is the forgiveness of my siblings, the words coming right out of their mouths."

Dean felt anger rising in him, and he bit out his next words with a soft ferocity. "What, does that mean that I mean nothing to you Cas?"

Cas leaned a hair closer, and took a deep breath in of Dean's smell. "It means that you are too much Dean."

"What are you going about Cas?"

The former angel's eyes were closed. "What I should say is that I value your opinion too highly for you to say something that is not true, as I will believe it anyway."

"So my forgiveness doesn't matter?"

Dean bit his lips before spiting his words out, trying not to think about the meaning behind Cas's words. "Well fuck them Cas. I don't care what they say, I don't care what you want to give them or not, I don't care what you're blathering on about."

Dean said the next part with a completely straight face, like it was the easiest thing in the world, like it meant nothing.

"I forgive you Cas. I will always forgive you, no matter what, no matter what you've done, no matter how far you've fallen." Grinning slightly at the literalness of his words, and the look of dawning horror on Cas' face. "I will forgive you, because your family, and I'll always come back for you."

Cas had paled. "No, Dean, you can't do that."

"Why not Cas? I'm only stating what's true."

The dark haired man swallowed slightly, the laundry forgotten. "I can't mean that much to you." Cas whispered softly.

"And yet you do. You have crept under my skin and you've stayed there like an annoying itch I can't scratch. And I don't want you to go. I never want to lose you again."

Cas' blue eyes were blown wide, looking up at Dean like he was seeing him for the first time.

Dean considers his next words, weighing them, wondering if he really wanted to share in front of a room full of strangers, most of who were already staring at them.

His mouth opened and the words started to spill out of their own accord, his subconscious mind apparently making the choice for him.

"Do you know what it's like to live your entire life around someone Cas? 'Cause I do. When I was little, I guess my life revolved around Mum. I mean, she was great, and she loved me, she was everything a mum should have been. And then my life was ripped apart when a demon came and killed her." The breath shuddered out of him, and he closed his eyes against the suddenly too bright and too focused stare of the fallen angel.

"Then I guess my focus moved onto my dad. I always tried to please him, tried to be the good son, did everything he asked of me. And even then, at the end my focus was moving on, I was learning that he wasn't everything, that I had a brother to look after. When he died saving me, I don't know what he expected, or why he did it." Dean opened his eyes and looked into blue eyes that, even if the owner was no longer a celestial being, were definitely too blue to be real, to be human. A part of Cas' Grace was still trapped in his eyes, Dean was sure of it.

"The only thing I could think of was because I could look after Sammy better than he could. So my focus moved again, this time to my little brother. I mean, my focus had revolved around him, but it was more to please Dad, to do my job. Now it was more protecting him, and when the psychic crap hit the fan, and he was lying dead in my arms do you know what I did? I was so afraid of living without him, of not having something for my life to centre around, that I sold my soul to bring him back." Trying to blot out memories of Hell that were still too real to be comfortable, even after all these years, was easier when he focused on Cas.

"And look how well that turned out. I couldn't even keep myself together long enough in Hell for you pull me out. I started the Apocalypse, and you can spout all the shit you want about me not knowing about it, it doesn't matter. Even if I had known, I still would have broken. I still would have started it.

"And then you came. You, with your blaring power and intimidation and black shadow wings cast against the wall and I was afraid. You scared me Cas, and when you told me you could throw my soul back into the Pit I almost grateful. I knew that I didn't belong up here, not with all I did." Dean struggled to find his next words, to find the ones that would convey what he was trying to tell Cas.

"I know better now, but even still, even with all the Apocalypse crap and saving the world and Purgatory and Leviathans I still need something to base my life around." Cas' mouth was slightly open, as if he couldn't believe what Dean was saying. Dean vaguely registered the other people in the room inching closer, trying to hear what was being said. Dean couldn't find it in him to care –at that moment, there was only himself and his fallen angel that was standing in front of him.

"These past few years, they've shown me a couple of things that are important. I know that Sam doesn't need me, that he never needed me. He showed me with Ruby and with the demon blood that he didn't really trust my opinion, and that ripped a hole in me, it damaged something that Hell had never been able to touch, because all through that I knew that Sam was up here, living his life, happy, and that he would always remember me fondly, as his big brother. When I came back and he couldn't trust me enough to even tell me about it, it hurt, Cas. It hurt a lot." It still hurt when he thought about it, a dull ache just under his heart.

"That's not really the point though. Sam proved himself. He earned back my trust, and even through all that I needed him Cas. Because I needed something, something to fill the emptiness inside me. I don't know what put it there, maybe it was Hell, maybe it was Mum dying, I don't know. All I know it's that it has always been there, always been eating away at me.

"These last few years, they've shown me that Sammy has grown up. They've shown me that he doesn't need me, and that maybe I should let him go." Cas blinks at that, like he can't accept what Dean is saying.

"I still need something to centre my life around though. It's who I am, I guess. And, I think, I'm not sure, but that person might just be you, Cas. I've said it before, but maybe I should say again while you aren't battling mind control and I'm not about to faint from blood loss." Dean sighed, and leant in, lowering his voice, his breath brushing over the smaller man in front of him; close enough that if they both just moved that little bit, their lips would brush.

"I need you Cas. I'm always going to need you."

Cas blinked, as if he could not believe what Dean was saying, probably for the fifth time that night. Dean tried to convey what he was meaning through his eyes, and when Cas' eyes widen he realises that maybe his message got through.

Cas' brow wrinkled. "No, Dean, you can't."

"Always, Cas. I'm always going to need you."