Disclaimer: I...--points to self--...don't...--shakes head rapidly--...own...--holds hands to chest--...book! --pretends to read-- Did you get that, or should I repeat it, slower?
A/N -- I was reading 'Breaking Dawn' and someone mentioned Emmett, and suddenly I had a flashback to January, when my mother made me watch a monstrosity of a movie...and that movie was 'Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas'. Of course, after that, I couldn't resist. There will probably be two or three chapters before this gives up the ghost, but who knows, maybe more. I doubt there's much in the way of spoilers, but you should probably watch out. I'm pretty scatter-brained. Hopefully, no-one who reads 'Cherry Cheesecake' will read this, because I haven't worked on that in so long that it's growing mold. Oh, well. I'm rambling. Without further ado, I give you...PURE CRACK ON A PLATTER!
EMMETT CULLEN'S JUG-BAND CHRISTMAS
by Undercooked
CHAPTER 1 --
PANTS ARE FOR SQUARES
Toot.
"Emmett, stop blowing on that jug."
Toot toooooot!
"I will kill you with my own hands and then dine on your shredded corpse."
Toot toot toot toot tooot tooooot!
"THAT'S IT!"
Rosalie grabbed the jug and threw it against the wall.
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR, YOU PSYCHOTIC CRADLE-ROBBING HO?" Emmett yelled, running to the fragments of his beloved jug. "GO RAID AN ORPHANAGE OR SOMETHING! ME AND JUGGY NEED SOME TIME ALONE!"
Rosalie hissed and went to kidnap someone else's child to make herself feel better.
"Someday, I'll be able to play my jug whenever I want to without prejudice!" sobbed Emmett, gathering up the pieces of the jug. "Someday, there'll be a place for us, Juggy!"
"There's aaaaa place for ussss!" sang a woman, spinning in.
"SHUT UP, MARIA!" Emmett cried, throwing a lethal piece of Juggy at her, which split her jugular quite nicely.
"Someday, Juggy, it'll be you and me." Emmett said melodramatically, as Maria lay bleeding and twitching only feet away. "Someday, I'll be an OTTER!"
"Yeah, I was totally tearing up until he said..." Alice said, listening from the next room.
"And since when has West Side Story had permission to invade our house?" Jasper agreed, also listening.
"I know you guys are listening! And I want you ALL to be part of my dream!" Emmett yelled, as Tony ran into the room and dragged Maria's body away, leaving a dark red trail behind them.
"Damn ketchup packs." muttered Emmett as he stepped on another and it squirted all over him. "Next time there's a ketchup fight in THIS HOUSE, someone's going to have to clean it up!"
Alice and Jasper looked at each other.
"Shit. Those poorly executed blood/ketchup jokes just threw me out of line." Emmett grumbled. "Where was I? Oh, yes! I want you ALL to be part of my dream! Come with MEEEE!"
Suddenly, the world underwent a drastic change. The ground shifted underneath their feet. Emmett, Alice, and Jasper were uprooted from where they stood. Rosalie was sucked away from the preschool class she was kidnapping, and Carlisle was pulled away from his prostitute. Esme was hurled from her drug deal, (which was about to go bad anyway), and Edward was, mercifully, yanked away from his incessant SPARKLING. Bella was flung from the china shop she was maneuvering through carefully, sweating bullets, and Jacob was dumped cruelly out of his flea bath.
Oh, the humanity!
Or, rather, lack of humanity!
Our dear characters woke up in a very different world than the one they were used to, and bad jokes were seconds behind.
"Jacob, I don't think we're in Washington anymore!" Bella exclaimed, trying to no avail to wrestle the werewolf into a basket.
She didn't notice the eight eyes locked on her accusingly.
"This is all your fault!" Rosalie yelled, pointing at her.
"How do you figure that?" Bella asked.
"Well, every time something goes wrong, it usually relates back to you in SOME way." Carlisle explained, looking intelligent.
"...Why aren't you wearing any pants?" Esme asked after a moment.
"PANTS ARE FOR SQUARES!" yelled Carlisle.
Edward immediately took off his pants.
Everyone stared at him.
"I...didn't want to be a square." he explained sheepishly.
"Maybe everyone should just PUT THEIR PANTS BACK ON so we can come up with a plan." Esme said calmly.
"Okay, that's it, you are on SOME kind of drug." Carlisle said. "No-one is THAT CALM." And with that, he attacked her, pulling out all her pockets until he discovered a bag of mysterious powder stuffed in her shoe.
"I KNEW IT!"
"It's flour! I was going to bake you a cake!" Esme yelled, her eyes darting back and forth.
"I CAN'T EAT CAKE!"
"IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A NICE GESTURE!"
Suddenly, their idiotic banter was interrupted by Emmett yelling,
"It's my dream come true! I'm an otter! With a jug!"
Everyone looked, to find that they had undergone a change in the last few lines of pointless yapping.
They were all otters, although Emmett was the only was fortunate enough to have a jug.
"Aww, I'm so fuzzy!" Bella said, poking herself.
"NO!" Edward yelled, tackling her.
"What is it?" she asked, bewildered.
"There was a mosquito on your nose!" he exclaimed frantically, before he realized he had tackled her onto a freeway and they both got creamed by a steam roller.
"Now what do we do?" asked Alice.
"You're the one who can see the future!" Jasper said, smacking himself on the forehead with one cute furry paw.
"Oh. Right." Alice said, crinkling up her cute little otter whiskers. "Um...I see us...damn we're cute...I see us...forming a band! A...jug-band! And winning the fifty dollar prize!"
"Fifty dollars?" Carlisle snorted. "I wipe my ASS with fifty dollars after I--"
"That was disgusting and unnecessary." Esme sniffed at the author.
"But dammit, I bet it made at least ONE person laugh!" Undercooked giggled.
And thus, they formed a jug-band.
But that was only the beginning of their plight.
What horrors await the Cullens plus Jacob? Will Rosalie steal all the otter children? Will Jacob finally fit in Bella's basket? Will Carlisle find some pants? DO OTTERS WEAR PANTS?
Read on to find out!
(Well, not that I imagine anyone other than a restrained psychopath with nothing better to do than stare at the wall and rock back and forth would, but it was a nice ending, right?)