Part 19
James: Why are we all here again?
Quill: Because I got 10 emails asking why I stopped writing these.
James: Really, how many lowlifes read this?
Quill: Lowlifes!? Go away!
James: No.
Quill: OK. Mail call! James… you got something from a Prince! Oh my god!
James: That's my dad. (Opens the letter) From Prince James Morgan Promise III.
Quill: Your dad is a Prince…?
James: That's his first name.
Quill: Why didn't he name you Prince?
James: He did.
Kojiro: Re… really?
James: I am Prince James Morgan Promise IV. Annoying name, I just use my middle name. My dad does too.
Jessie: I find something new about you every day, James.
James: I guess so.
Butch: You know who you look like in this picture?
James: No, who?
Butch: Weird Al when he had that one hairdo… except he doesn't have a gay braid.
James: I still have that braid.
Butch: Huh?
James: (Pulls all his hair up, exposing a braid, curled up by his neck. He pulls it out. It reaches to mid-back) See. I couldn't just cut the damn thing, I let it grow so long.
Kojiro: That looks just weird.
James: It's better than sounding like Weird Al with an accent.
Kojiro: Who sounds like Weird Al with an accent?
All: YOU.
Kojiro: I DO NOT!
James: (Laughs) No, seriously, when you speak English you sound like Weird Al. It's like someone yanks at your balls when you start speaking English!
Kojiro: (Groans)
Quill: Ah. Hey, Koji…
Kojiro: What?
Quill: Sing "Harvey the Wonder Hamster" for us.
Kojiro: No.
All except Kojiro: HARVEY, HARVEY, HARVEY THE WONDER HAMSTER!
Kojiro: (Sigh) He doesn't bite, and he doesn't squeal, he just runs around in his hamster wheel.
All: (Laugh)
Kojiro: (Glares) Shut up.
James: OK Alfred.
Kojiro: TAKE IT BACK!
Quill: Come over here.
Kojiro: Why?
Quill: Just come.
Kojiro: Yes'm. (Goes with Quill)
Brock: You think
Misty: NO.
Kojiro: (Comes back.) Now I'm going to be made such fun of.
Ash: Why?
Kojiro: (Holds up a book – "How to Play the Accordion in 10 Seconds")
Brock: Another book from that series, huh?
Quill: Uh huh.
James: I learnt to play the guitar that way!
Kojiro: Electric or Acoustic?
James: Both.
All: (Blink)
James: What?
Part 20
James: (Tuning his guitar) No, seriously Koji, chicks dig a guy who can play any instrument.
Kojiro: You're just f***ing with me.
James: No, I'm not. (Plays some tuning music) You just need to know what the particular girl you like listens to. I'm sure you can play anything with an accordion.
Kojiro: Look at this stupid thing! It's just weird!
James: In the words of Weird Al (Starts playing again) Accordion players are the sex symbols of modern pop-culture.
Kojiro: Really?
James: Dear God no.
Kojiro: Oh.
James: Who do you like?
Kojiro: Quill.
James: Why…?
Kojiro: It's her story, she puts whatever the hell she wants in.
James: Well… anyway you're in luck… hehe… she really likes Weird Al…
Kojiro: Ah.
James: She plays a harmonica, which would go really well with an accordion. You could make beautiful music.
Kojiro: (Groans) Polka music.
James: (Points his guitar at Kojiro) Don't insult polkas.
Meanwhile, in the usual meeting place
Jessie: Where's James?
Quill: Giving Kojiro manly advice.
Jessie: How could either of them give or receive manly advice?
Quill: I dunno.
Giovanni: (Holds up a hemp leaf) The season has come.
Quill: OK. Just don't get me messed up with it, kay?
Back in James' apartment, Kojiro and James are still tuning their equipment.
Kojiro: You… like… POLKAS???
James: They're OK. Better than living with myself 7 years ago. (Shuts his eyes and listens to the last string he pulled on his guitar fade away)
Kojiro: RIGHT… (Looks at his accordion) You should join a band, you're good.
James: I'm very good.
Kojiro: Then… why don't you have a band?
James: I'm never going through that hell again.
Kojiro: OH! You were already in a band!
James: Yup. A nice little get together of 5 "friends" in my best friend's garage. (Opens his eyes and looks at Kojiro) It's a real thrill, especially when someone's watching.
Kojiro: What did you play?
James: (Gets up and walks to a door) Did you know I've lived in this apartment all my life, Koji?
Kojiro: No… why are you still here?
James: My parents moved here while my mom was still pregnant with me. I was born here, right on that windowsill, since they couldn't make it to a hospital. So I guess this place just fits me.
Kojiro: This is getting too deep, Jim. Can we stop?
James: No. I need to tell someone, why not you?
Kojiro: Oh… OK…
James: The Old Prince himself, my father, tried to raise me right, he got me into acting classes, all sorts of extracurricular activities to keep me away from the kids here, but it didn't work.
Kojiro: What happened?
James: I bought an electric guitar from one of the neighbors. He happened to be a friend of mine. So I plugged it into one of my outlets and taught myself to play. That 10 Seconds book didn't do anything, it just taught me acoustic. I loved my guitar. (Slides his hand across the jet-black guitar.)
Kojiro: (Covers his ears) BELIEVE ME I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH YOUR GUITAR!
James: (Looks annoyed) That's not what I meant. It's all I ever would do. I skipped all my acting classes, but got tons of practice acting when it came to telling the Old Prince what I'd been doing.
Kojiro: You didn't… want to be an actor?
James: Not at that time. Anyway, someone heard me play. He knocked on my door, I thought it was my dad. But it was this kid who had a drum set, and thought I was really good. So we started a band. We were all vocalists, and we had a pianist and another guitarist. We had some great material.
Kojiro: Can you sing some to me?
James: No. It was… not good stuff. Sometimes people would come over and listen to us. But we weren't… (Looks down) The cleanest band.
Kojiro: Were you a grunge band or something? (Laughs)
James: That's not what I meant by clean. Try pounding something with the consistency of salt up your nostrils with a straw. Is that funny?
Kojiro: Uh…
James: IS THAT FUNNY KOJI?
Kojiro: No. I'm sorry.
James: Oh, it was just grand! Leave home at 4, play in my friends garage for an hour, stick a dozen needles into my arms, and if I'm still conscious I can handle about two beers and a cigarette. That's just before I get home! After extinguishing the cigarette, explain how someone blew smoke on me, I got hit in the head, and got stung in the arms by a dozen bees all in two hours. That, my friend, is not funny.
Kojiro: All in two hours?
James: Oh, it was all-grand at the time! Of course! I was a teenager, nothing harmful can happen to a teenager! Our band was the pinnacle of all envy by the kids in class! Everyone wanted to join the mysterious rogues who didn't even have a name for their band! The ones who promoted drugs, sex, alcohol, tobacco, and tons of other stuff that a teenager shouldn't need to have anything to do with! And I… (Gets a tear in his eye) I was the worst one.
Kojiro: Well… you're not like that now. That's the good part.
James: You don't know me as well as you think you do, do you? After I'd get home, I'd go to my room and smoke. Not tobacco this time. Do you have a guess as to what I was smoking, Koji?
Kojiro: What?
James: I want you to guess first.
Kojiro: I don't want to guess? Please… please don't make me.
James: Thai sticks. Acapulco Gold. Weed. Pot. Grass. Dope. Mary Jane. Whatever you please to call it, I was smoking marijuana. I didn't think of it as being a very powerful drug, but it got me where I wanted to be. Plus, it was so easy to get.
Kojiro: What, were your friends dealers?
James: You haven't been a Wisconsinite very long, have you. If you take a trail long enough, you're almost definitely going to stumble upon a patch or two of hemp. Hemp = marijuana. I dug up a couple plants and let them grow in a little bowl. They'd grow seeds, and I'd plant them. I have a patch (Knocks on the door) Right in here.
Kojiro: You have got to be kidding!
James: (Opens the door) Whoah, it still smells like dope, now where are they. Here they are! (Picks a hemp plant up) See this? You recognize that?
Kojiro: Yes.
James: Now where's that damn light? (Turns on the light. The whole room is filled with drug paraphernalia, including posters and books.) Yup, is this the house of Cheech and Chong or what?
Kojiro: Oh my God. Does Jessie know about this?
James: She knows of my alcoholism. Nothing else. I can never get it out. (Looks at Kojiro) And I never want her to know.
Kojiro: Why not?
James: I just don't, Okay? She's already made it clear to me that I am the absolute follower of the devil for drinking. What do you think she would do if she found out about this?
Kojiro: I don't know.
James: She'd kill me.
Kojiro: I see. Why do you still have all this stuff?
James: I… (Starts crying)
Kojiro: You what?
James: I still do it.
Kojiro: WHAT? Do you know how DANGEROUS it is?
James: (Looks up) How do you think I feel, Koji?! I've been trying to come clean since GKW! I'm too screwed up to quit, and I still try. (Pulls out the M encyclopedia and goes to the entry "Marijuana". There are dried leaves in it.) It's weird, my dad still hasn't figured out where I kept this stuff. (Puts three leaves in a piece of paper and rolls it up.) You see, Koji, it's all a matter of choice. You live what you choose. It's so unfair, I'm rich, I have girls screaming over me, and I'm the unhappiest person in the world. And it's all because of this thing. (Sticks the end in his mouth)
Kojiro: Please don't do that, James. You can stop! I'll help you!
James: (With the joint still in his mouth) You just concentrate on yourself now. Go ahead and join a band. I just have bad luck in choosing the right band. And if I ever see you with any kind of drug, I'm serious I'm going to tear one of the strings off my guitar and string you off the balcony. (Lights the end and takes a drag. As he talks, he lets the smoke run out of his mouth.) Don't turn into me, Koji. You're still clean, and you're young too.
Kojiro: You're only 23!
James: I might be able to stop, Koji. But not now. Cheers to you. (Takes another drag.)
Kojiro: (Runs out of James' apartment to tell Jessie the information she needs to know.)
Part 21
James: I can't believe it's come to this. (Takes another drag of his joint) I was hoping I could quit you. I guess I just have absolutely no will. My dad was right. (Reads his letter)
Dear James,
I've already made it quite clear how disappointed I am at you. Doesn't it make any sense to you that I've tried as hard as I can to help you? And you just push me away. It really hurts me that the only way I ever see you is if I turn on my TV set! If you'll just talk to me, I'm sure we can work things out if you just try. But you don't try. Please answer, we'd love to hear from you.
Love, Your Dad
James: (Starts crying) No you wouldn't! I'm still a failure! I've always been a failure and I'll always be a failure! (Takes a long, focused drag of his joint, at which time he becomes incredibly high and gets up) I… I gotta do something! What if… what if Jessie finds out about! (Takes another drag, then four quick puffs, and falls on his bed) Oh God.
Jessie: (Walking up the stairs)
James: (Listening) That little shit! He ratted on me! (Extinguishes joint, goes into the main room and locks the door to his room.
Jessie: JAMES!
James: What?
Jessie: I need to talk to you.
James: What?
Jessie: It's not about what Kojiro told me… just so you know… I already knew all of that all along.
James: Oh…
Jessie: Well, alcohol, drugs, they just seem to fit you. But I'm wondering… what do you expect out of our relationship?
James: I don't know.
Jessie: I want out.
James: Wha… what?
Jessie: I can't handle this anymore. You don't ever seem to care, and I don't think I do either. I'm leaving you.
James: (Looks down) OK.
Jessie: You understand, right?
James: Yup. Some damn Rocketshipper emailed JC a mad letter and she's getting her back by making us break up.
Jessie: Bingo.
James: I hate Rocketshippers. They annoy the hell out of me.
Jessie: All of them?
James: Naw… only the ones who try to change the minds of people who aren't shippers.
Jessie: Yeah.
(Writer's Note -- Yes, this happened. Some Rocketshipper emailed me several emails about how wrong I am for not being a Rocketshipper. She was mostly mad at the homosexual pictures of James in the JFAA. It's not that they don't like it, it's that they preach Rocketshipperdom and try to make me change my opinion by widdling down my confidence in my own opinions. Just so you know, if anyone ever tries changing my opinions, they are automatically on my wrong side. So watch it.)
In the other room.
Kojiro: (Playing with toy airplanes and a science volcano, talking purposely like a moron.) Why, look at this! It's the middle of WWII and it looks like them damn blasted Americans are looking for a fight! (Switches planes and voices) I thought they wanted to stay out of this one! (Switches again) Oh, of course they want to fight! They always do! Think about Vietnam! (Switches) You moron! Vietnam hasn't happened yet! (Switches) Well SO RRY! Kojiro got an F in History! (Flies both planes over the volcano and switches again) Hello Pearl Harbor! You want to have a good time! (Picks up one of the dolls he had resting against the volcano and makes a high, squeaky voice) Hi buddies! We would love to have a good time! It doesn't matter that you are carrying weapons and everything! We can handle that, we're invincible Americans! (Switches back to his plane) HAHAHA! Buh bye Hawaiian scumbags! (Rams planes into volcano) HAHAHA!!! (Switches to a different voice and holds up a different doll) This is the president of the United States. I regret to inform you all that Japa-in has attacked America. We now declare waur on the country of Japa-in. (Switches to a different doll) Well this is the emperor of Japan, and you can kiss my Asian ass for all I care! (Switches back) But, wait! I did not have sexual relations with… (Switches to another voice) Wait a second! That doesn't happen yet! (Switches) That's right! Because this entire story was mixed around by none other than some blue-headed deranged teenager who pretends to be a citizen to evade the INS so he doesn't get deported! Again! BWAAAAAAAA!!!!! (Jumps on the entire set and starts rolling around, fighting with the president, the emperor, and any other characters he concocted in his retarded dreams)
Brock: When was the last time you had a CAT-scan?
Kojiro: I don't know.
Gary: You should get one.
Brock: I'm leaving. This could get ugly.
Kojiro: (Stands on top of the entire setup) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SUPERJIRO RULES THE WORLD! OR AT LEAST HAWAII!
Jessie: Riiiiggghhhttt… I don't think I'm going to even ask.
Giovanni: (Smoking a joint) Mmmmmm…
Jessie: (Pulls the joint out of Giovanni's mouth)
Giovanni: Did you know that this is completely legal? I have glaucoma.
Jessie: Oh… OK… (Puts joint back in Giovanni's mouth)
Giovanni: I need to go. I have church choir.
James: (Runs in) WAIT! GIOVANNI!
Giovanni: Yes?
James: (Pants) Where do you get your pot?
Jessie: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
James: SHUT UP JESSIE! Giovanni, I'll give you all mine.
Giovanni: What?
James: I'll probably go through withdrawals for 50 years, but I'll stop. (Looks at Jessie) YOU SEE?
Kojiro: (With his planes) WoooooooooooooBLAM! (Rams his airplanes into "Hawaii".)
James: (Picks up the phone and dials)
Voice: Hello, Promise Residence.
James: Well, if it isn't the Old Prince himself!
Voice: J… J…
James: Jay…
Voice: J… Jay…
James: Ms.
Voice: J… Jay… James?
James: That's right. You know how you said you would help me when I needed it?
Voice: You don't need bail money, do you?
James: NO! I don't need any cash at all, actually.
Voice: Well… what do you need?
James: Just… you.
Part 22
James: Jessie?
Jessie: Yes?
James: I do love you.
Jessie: (Comes in) You blew it.
James: I know. I just… wanted you to know that. And… (Starts crying)
Jessie: Would you just
James: JUST SHUT UP!
Jessie: (Smacks James across the face)
James: (Gets up and runs out.)
Later on James: I'm glad you came, Dad.
James' Dad: Sure. I'm glad you let me come over.
James: I guess.
James' Dad: Are you mad at me? I've missed you so much, and you didn't even call to say you wouldn't call!
James: I'm not mad at you. I was never mad at you.
James' Dad: (Gets a tear in his eye) Then… what's going on?
James: I was embarrassed. I wanted to straighten myself out before talking to you.
James' Dad: Oh. And are you?
James: As far as I know.
James' Dad: Oh, yeah, that's reassuring.
(In the other room)
Jessie: I can't believe this! I even try taking him back!
Brock: You really hurt him, Jessie.
Jessie: I hit him! He'll heal, think about his job! He gets hurt all the time, and he still does it!
Kojiro: He likes being a Pokemon breeder, let him do what he wants.
Brock: That's not the hurt I mean, Jess. You didn't even let him recover, do you know how rotten that is?
Kojiro: Yes! I know for a fact he's been trying to stop!
Brock: My advice is to go find someone else and get over him! He's probably already happily gotten over you.
Jessie: (Looks down, sadly) You think so?
Brock: I know so.
Kojiro: Hello Mr. Promise! Do you have any cows?
Jim (James' Dad): No… I don't. (To James) He's a little weird, isn't he.
James: You have no idea.
Jessie: (Comes in) Oh… Hi James.
James: Oh. Hi Jessica.
Both: (Look at each other with looks of mock-hate)
Jim: Stop it or I'll hit you.
James: Sorry sir.
Brock: You seem to have quite a grudge…
James: Wouldn't you?
Brock: (Whispering) I know how you can revenge.
James: I'm listening…
(Both leave and go to James' apartment.)
Brock: We'll need your dad, Kojiro, and about a three-dozen well-trained Dittos.
James: Huh?
Brock: This is going to be really funny.
(In the next room)
Kojiro: Jessie?
Jessie: What?
Kojiro: Do you really love James?
Jessie: With all my heart.
Kojiro: Then why did you do that to him?
Jessie: I guess I was scared for him. I don't want him to turn out as bad as he's heading.
Kojiro: And you want him back?
Jessie: Of course.
Kojiro: He's giving you a chance.
Jessie: Really? Where is he?
Kojiro: C'mon in guys!
(A whole ton of James' come in)
Kojiro: Most of these are Ditto, but one is really him. If you really love him, you'll be able to tell the difference.
Jessie: This isn't hard. All I need to do is ask them to talk! Dittos can't talk.
All the James': Really?
Jessie: Oh shit.
One James: I'm a good trainer, Jess.
Another James: Did you really think my Dittos would be little crappy ones?
Another James: Or did you think I was stoned when I trained them?
Jessie: (Looks straight into one's eyes) What am I going to do? (Looks at another one) He has blue eyes. That's not him, James has green eyes.
Jim: Well, that's one out of 37.
Kojiro: James, I don't think she'll get it.
Another James: Just try. Guess if you need to.
Jessie: I… I don't think I can.
Jim: Go ahead and try. No… pressure.
Brock: Go on, I don't have all day.
Jessie: (Looks at each one, then stays right next to one) This is him.
Jim: Are you sure?
Jessie: Pretty… pretty sure. (Touches James in the back of the neck. James turns into a Ditto.)
Ditto: Ditto!
Jessie: (Gets on her knees) Oh no.
Kojiro: Take another chance.
Jessie: I don't deserve another chance. I kept accusing him of everything, only to cover up my own mistakes.
Kojiro: Really?
Jessie: Yes.
Kojiro: What did you do?
Jessie: Since James is here somewhere, I might as well say this. I've been cheating on you. I've been using you just to look good. I really like you… but… It's hard to explain. Kojiro: Still… take one more chance. This is your last chance, make it a good one. And look hard.
(Jessie looks as hard as she can at all the James', but can't tell the difference. They all look sad, and they all look the same.)
Jessie: I can't. I'll… I'll just pick one. You?
Chosen James: (Shakes his head) I'm sorry Jessie. (Turns into a Ditto)
(The real James starts crying. None of the other look-alikes do, they just stare at him.)
Jessie: Kojiro… why are you so sad?
James: (The real James) I hate doing this! I'm James. Not Kojiro, this is a fake accent, I was seeing if you really cared about me… but I guess not. Goodbye Jessie.
Jessie: WAIT!
James: Just go away! Find someone else! I don't want you anymore! I gave you the second chance crap as a joke!
Jessie: But…
Part 23
James: (Runs into his room and starts to cry, He looks at the half-used joint in his "garden," and takes it out) I'm screwed up enough already. (Looks at his closet, and sighs) I guess… well… (Walks over to his closet, and pulls out a box. He brings it to his bed and opens it. Inside are 20 hypodermic needles. He pulls one out, and takes off the protective covering)
Later
Cassidy: (Is in Brock's apartment, sitting on the couch, kissing Brock in the face.)
Butch: (Comes in) CASSIDY???
Cassidy: BUTCH! I CAN EXPLAIN!
Butch: (Runs out. He almost colides with Jessie, who has tears streaming down her face) What's wrong, Jess?
Jessie: James is gone.
Jim: (Is standing in the hospital room's doorway, his hand over his forehead. He obviously has been crying.)
Butch: (Walks in) Oh, James. Jim… I…
Jim: I just lost my dad… not my son too… oh God please no…
Butch: What happened?
Jim: Look at his left arm.
Butch: (Picks up James' arm. It is covered in red dots.) Oh my…
Jim: He's been doing drugs. He's… (Sobs) He's never used so much… he would've handled it.
Butch: Oh James. I… don't know what to say in this situation.
Jim: (Gets a tear in his eye) Goodbye.
Butch: He's not dead yet… so there's still a chance, right? There has to be a chance!
Jim: The doctors tell me so, but I can see it in their eyes. I just lost my only son. I was hoping I'd never have to go through this again… not since Heather. Not since Dad. I was hoping he'd outlive me… by a longshot or more.
Butch: (Starts crying)
Jim: It's OK. Just… It's OK.
Butch: What happened to them?
Jim: To whom?
Butch: Heather and your Dad.
Jim: Heather was my wife. She died in a car accident when James was only three. My Dad died the same way as James.
Butch: Drugs?
Jim: Drugs. Hypodermic needles. And the worst part is… (Sniffs) James didn't get to see him. He doesn't even know what happened.
Butch: So it's like a family thing.
Jim: Uh huh. I too have done drugs before… but only once. It didn't do anything for me. I guess James just couldn't find another way. (Sobs) I need to go think. It was nice to have met you, Butch. (leaves)
Butch: (Holds James' hand in his own) Oh, James. Why do you have to leave us. You're only 23. That's too young, you still have your Poke'mon breeding career, and you need to fall in love, and get married, and… (sigh) James, before you go, I need to tell you a few things. You've been my only real friend since I moved to New Holstein. It didn't matter that you made fun of me, or insulted me, you were still my friend. (Gets a tear in his eye) And I love you. Please don't leave us.
James: (Starts moving)
Butch: James? JAMES???
James: (Groans as if uncomfortable) That better have not been a pass, Butch.
Butch: JAMES!!! YOU'RE ALIVE! (Jumps on James and hugs him)
James: Yeah, yeah, (Pats Butch on the back) I love you too… but not in any romantic concept or anything…
Butch: Of course not.
James: I'm saving myself for Brock.
Butch: (Laughs) He's taken by my ex-girlfriend.
James: Ash? (Smiles and looks at his arm) Good lord, what the hell was I thinking? (Falls back on the bed) Why did I put myself through that.
Butch: Your Dad isn't taking it that well either.
James: Oh God.
Jim: (Out in the hallway with Cassidy) He's in there.
Cassidy: Is… is it bad?
Jim: (Closes his eyes) I'd rather not talk about it.
Part 24
Quill: (In her room with Kojiro) Moron yellowjacket?
Kojiro: Where the heck did that come from?
Quill: I don't know…
Kojiro: Your fics suck.
Quill: Ya think?
Jim: (Picks up the telephone and dials)
Quill: (Hears the phone ring and picks up) Hello, Xarxes residence, Quill speaking.
Jim: Hi Quill. What's up?
Quill: The ceiling. Other than that not much.
Jim: That's nice.
Quill: How are you?
Jim: Not… not good.
Quill: What's wrong?
Jim: James is in the hospital. He had a severe drug overdose… and I don't think he's going to wake up.
Meanwhile, in the hospital room
James and Butch: (Are making hot, passionate love in James' hospital bed)
James: WHAT???
Butch: WE ARE NOT!
(Or they're having a "moment" I forget which is which.)
James: Yes, we're having a "moment" of male bonding, that's completely normal, and there's nothing wrong with it.
(They're gay on each other.)
Butch: ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT! I'M KILLING THAT NARRATOR!
James: SINCE I'M UNAVOIDABLY DETAINED RIGHT NOW, I CAN'T! BUT I'LL HAVE A LOT OF FUN WATCHING YOU DO IT!
(See?)
Quill: No...
Jim: Uh huh. It's… (Shuts eyes) It's my fault… I should've been watching him.
Quill: Don't blame it on yourself. It isn't your fault.
Jim: Yes it is. I killed my son.
(Oh you shut up.)
James: (Standing on a chair looking around) I'LL FIND YOU! YOU'LL SEE!
(James, do you feel a draft from behind?)
James: (Looks down) I don't have any clothes on, do I?
(Butch, is your nose bleeding?)
Butch: (Covers his eyes) James, just get back in bed, I'll leave. OK?
James: OK. I need to sleep. (Gets back in bed, therefore unexposing his (ahem) himself…) Bye, Butch.
Butch: I'll see you.
Jim: (Still talking to Quill) Is Kojiro there?
Quill: Just a second. HEY! MORON YELLOWJACKET!
Jim: (Lipspeaking) Moron yellowjacket???
Kojiro: Hello.
Quill: (Walks away, stunned.)
(Jim and Kojiro talk for a while, Kojiro's eyes widening with what he hears)
Kojiro: Oh… oh no…
Later on, Quill and Kojiro are talking
Kojiro: Oh… oh my God this isn't happening…
Quill: It'll be OK. It'll… be OK.
Kojiro: That's easy for you to say, he doesn't look exactly like you. What if I end up fainting at the funeral?
Quill: Don't talk about that, please.
Kojiro: I won't. (Starts crying.) I miss him already.
Quill: I do to. (Starts crying.)
Kojiro: It's like losing a brother, Quill!
Quill: Same for me! I've known him since I was 12!
(Meanwhile, of course, James is having hot fantasies about Butch, and is in fact alive.)
James: (Pulls out a gun) If you have any sense, you won't make any more jokes, got it?
(Got it.)
James: Good.
Butch: (Comes in)
(Well, well, well, it looks like it's time for)
James: (Taps his gun)
(Sorry.)
Butch: Are you feeling better?
James: If you brought me a fruit basket, leave right now.
Butch: Huh?
James: Just… nevermind.
Butch: (Sits down) I miss Cassidy already.
James: I stopped missing Jessie. I guess it's just… how it goes. I'd better find a girlfriend soon though, I guess I just can't be left alone.
Butch: Do you need something to drink?
James: Anything alchoholic. Oh, wait, we're in a hospital (Smiles).
Butch: I could probably get a Dr. Pepper.
James: Could you please?
Butch: (Goes away, and comes back with some sodas) Here ya go.
James: Thanks. I really wish I hadn't done that.
Butch: I wish you hadn't either. You're still young. That would just… (Sigh)
James: I'm wondering, how old are you?
Butch: I'm 18.
James: (Spits soda out) EIGHTEEN??? You're EIGHTEEN???
Butch: Yes… why?
James: For Godsake, you're the same age as Kojiro!
Butch: (Looks down) What's wrong with that?
James: There's nothing wrong with it… I just thought you were older…
Butch: Like… how old…?
James: I thought you were at least in your twenties.
Butch: Oh. Sorry.
James: Don't say sorry, age doesn't matter. (Takes a sip of soda) You're just mature for your age.
Butch: It's one of the reasons Cassidy dumped me.
James: There was no official "dumping."
Butch: I just told her how old I am last night. She's 21, it had to be one of the reasons.
James: You should just aim lower. That'll help.
Butch: Have you ever went out with someone older than you?
James: I went out with a woman who was 5 years older than me. She thought I was really sweet, until I almost knocked her up and she found out how old I was.
Butch: You almost knocked someone up?
James: Yup. I was 13 years old, and she was 18. She miscarried, thank God. But, of course, I never saw her again.
Butch: Oh.
James: (Takes another sip of soda) I could have pretty good luck with women, just look online, they adore me! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Butch: I'll probably never find anyone. I'm a failure, I tried out for the part of James, but NO! I end up in only three epidodes! I'm going to end up on the street.
James: Don't you ever say that. You have tons of fans, you just don't know it. You need self-esteem, boy. Just go out on a blind date or something, you'll find someone. That's what I'm planning to do right when I get out of this hospital.
Butch: Easy for you to say, I haven't gotten mail in days. Just this morning, you got a whole bag of it. And it had about 40 interview requests.
James: I don't open interview requests anymore, seriously. They all ask the same question.
Butch: What?
James: Excuse me, James? I was wondering, is your hair blue or purple?
Butch: Which is it?
James: It's blonde, I dye it. Of course, my dye never turns out the same.
Butch: I'm still never going to find anyone.
James: Yes you will. (Leans over and kisses Butch on the forehead)
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE PROOF IN WRITING!)
James: (Looks at the parenthesis dude) YOU MORON! GET OUT!
(KISSY KISSY!)
Butch: This isn't funny.
James: THAT WAS A MALE-BONDING SEQUENCE, I WAS GIVING HIM ADVICE!!! HOW CAN YOU MIX THAT UP YOU BACKSTABBING YELLOWJACKET!
(I stabbed you in the front)
James: (Shoots)
(Gaaaaaaackkkkt… buaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……. GlaaaiiiiidahasjfskldajfL!!!! @*^$*@^Q$#@~~~~~X(
James: Why are we all here again?
Quill: Because I got 10 emails asking why I stopped writing these.
James: Really, how many lowlifes read this?
Quill: Lowlifes!? Go away!
James: No.
Quill: OK. Mail call! James… you got something from a Prince! Oh my god!
James: That's my dad. (Opens the letter) From Prince James Morgan Promise III.
Quill: Your dad is a Prince…?
James: That's his first name.
Quill: Why didn't he name you Prince?
James: He did.
Kojiro: Re… really?
James: I am Prince James Morgan Promise IV. Annoying name, I just use my middle name. My dad does too.
Jessie: I find something new about you every day, James.
James: I guess so.
Butch: You know who you look like in this picture?
James: No, who?
Butch: Weird Al when he had that one hairdo… except he doesn't have a gay braid.
James: I still have that braid.
Butch: Huh?
James: (Pulls all his hair up, exposing a braid, curled up by his neck. He pulls it out. It reaches to mid-back) See. I couldn't just cut the damn thing, I let it grow so long.
Kojiro: That looks just weird.
James: It's better than sounding like Weird Al with an accent.
Kojiro: Who sounds like Weird Al with an accent?
All: YOU.
Kojiro: I DO NOT!
James: (Laughs) No, seriously, when you speak English you sound like Weird Al. It's like someone yanks at your balls when you start speaking English!
Kojiro: (Groans)
Quill: Ah. Hey, Koji…
Kojiro: What?
Quill: Sing "Harvey the Wonder Hamster" for us.
Kojiro: No.
All except Kojiro: HARVEY, HARVEY, HARVEY THE WONDER HAMSTER!
Kojiro: (Sigh) He doesn't bite, and he doesn't squeal, he just runs around in his hamster wheel.
All: (Laugh)
Kojiro: (Glares) Shut up.
James: OK Alfred.
Kojiro: TAKE IT BACK!
Quill: Come over here.
Kojiro: Why?
Quill: Just come.
Kojiro: Yes'm. (Goes with Quill)
Brock: You think
Misty: NO.
Kojiro: (Comes back.) Now I'm going to be made such fun of.
Ash: Why?
Kojiro: (Holds up a book – "How to Play the Accordion in 10 Seconds")
Brock: Another book from that series, huh?
Quill: Uh huh.
James: I learnt to play the guitar that way!
Kojiro: Electric or Acoustic?
James: Both.
All: (Blink)
James: What?
Part 20
James: (Tuning his guitar) No, seriously Koji, chicks dig a guy who can play any instrument.
Kojiro: You're just f***ing with me.
James: No, I'm not. (Plays some tuning music) You just need to know what the particular girl you like listens to. I'm sure you can play anything with an accordion.
Kojiro: Look at this stupid thing! It's just weird!
James: In the words of Weird Al (Starts playing again) Accordion players are the sex symbols of modern pop-culture.
Kojiro: Really?
James: Dear God no.
Kojiro: Oh.
James: Who do you like?
Kojiro: Quill.
James: Why…?
Kojiro: It's her story, she puts whatever the hell she wants in.
James: Well… anyway you're in luck… hehe… she really likes Weird Al…
Kojiro: Ah.
James: She plays a harmonica, which would go really well with an accordion. You could make beautiful music.
Kojiro: (Groans) Polka music.
James: (Points his guitar at Kojiro) Don't insult polkas.
Meanwhile, in the usual meeting place
Jessie: Where's James?
Quill: Giving Kojiro manly advice.
Jessie: How could either of them give or receive manly advice?
Quill: I dunno.
Giovanni: (Holds up a hemp leaf) The season has come.
Quill: OK. Just don't get me messed up with it, kay?
Back in James' apartment, Kojiro and James are still tuning their equipment.
Kojiro: You… like… POLKAS???
James: They're OK. Better than living with myself 7 years ago. (Shuts his eyes and listens to the last string he pulled on his guitar fade away)
Kojiro: RIGHT… (Looks at his accordion) You should join a band, you're good.
James: I'm very good.
Kojiro: Then… why don't you have a band?
James: I'm never going through that hell again.
Kojiro: OH! You were already in a band!
James: Yup. A nice little get together of 5 "friends" in my best friend's garage. (Opens his eyes and looks at Kojiro) It's a real thrill, especially when someone's watching.
Kojiro: What did you play?
James: (Gets up and walks to a door) Did you know I've lived in this apartment all my life, Koji?
Kojiro: No… why are you still here?
James: My parents moved here while my mom was still pregnant with me. I was born here, right on that windowsill, since they couldn't make it to a hospital. So I guess this place just fits me.
Kojiro: This is getting too deep, Jim. Can we stop?
James: No. I need to tell someone, why not you?
Kojiro: Oh… OK…
James: The Old Prince himself, my father, tried to raise me right, he got me into acting classes, all sorts of extracurricular activities to keep me away from the kids here, but it didn't work.
Kojiro: What happened?
James: I bought an electric guitar from one of the neighbors. He happened to be a friend of mine. So I plugged it into one of my outlets and taught myself to play. That 10 Seconds book didn't do anything, it just taught me acoustic. I loved my guitar. (Slides his hand across the jet-black guitar.)
Kojiro: (Covers his ears) BELIEVE ME I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH YOUR GUITAR!
James: (Looks annoyed) That's not what I meant. It's all I ever would do. I skipped all my acting classes, but got tons of practice acting when it came to telling the Old Prince what I'd been doing.
Kojiro: You didn't… want to be an actor?
James: Not at that time. Anyway, someone heard me play. He knocked on my door, I thought it was my dad. But it was this kid who had a drum set, and thought I was really good. So we started a band. We were all vocalists, and we had a pianist and another guitarist. We had some great material.
Kojiro: Can you sing some to me?
James: No. It was… not good stuff. Sometimes people would come over and listen to us. But we weren't… (Looks down) The cleanest band.
Kojiro: Were you a grunge band or something? (Laughs)
James: That's not what I meant by clean. Try pounding something with the consistency of salt up your nostrils with a straw. Is that funny?
Kojiro: Uh…
James: IS THAT FUNNY KOJI?
Kojiro: No. I'm sorry.
James: Oh, it was just grand! Leave home at 4, play in my friends garage for an hour, stick a dozen needles into my arms, and if I'm still conscious I can handle about two beers and a cigarette. That's just before I get home! After extinguishing the cigarette, explain how someone blew smoke on me, I got hit in the head, and got stung in the arms by a dozen bees all in two hours. That, my friend, is not funny.
Kojiro: All in two hours?
James: Oh, it was all-grand at the time! Of course! I was a teenager, nothing harmful can happen to a teenager! Our band was the pinnacle of all envy by the kids in class! Everyone wanted to join the mysterious rogues who didn't even have a name for their band! The ones who promoted drugs, sex, alcohol, tobacco, and tons of other stuff that a teenager shouldn't need to have anything to do with! And I… (Gets a tear in his eye) I was the worst one.
Kojiro: Well… you're not like that now. That's the good part.
James: You don't know me as well as you think you do, do you? After I'd get home, I'd go to my room and smoke. Not tobacco this time. Do you have a guess as to what I was smoking, Koji?
Kojiro: What?
James: I want you to guess first.
Kojiro: I don't want to guess? Please… please don't make me.
James: Thai sticks. Acapulco Gold. Weed. Pot. Grass. Dope. Mary Jane. Whatever you please to call it, I was smoking marijuana. I didn't think of it as being a very powerful drug, but it got me where I wanted to be. Plus, it was so easy to get.
Kojiro: What, were your friends dealers?
James: You haven't been a Wisconsinite very long, have you. If you take a trail long enough, you're almost definitely going to stumble upon a patch or two of hemp. Hemp = marijuana. I dug up a couple plants and let them grow in a little bowl. They'd grow seeds, and I'd plant them. I have a patch (Knocks on the door) Right in here.
Kojiro: You have got to be kidding!
James: (Opens the door) Whoah, it still smells like dope, now where are they. Here they are! (Picks a hemp plant up) See this? You recognize that?
Kojiro: Yes.
James: Now where's that damn light? (Turns on the light. The whole room is filled with drug paraphernalia, including posters and books.) Yup, is this the house of Cheech and Chong or what?
Kojiro: Oh my God. Does Jessie know about this?
James: She knows of my alcoholism. Nothing else. I can never get it out. (Looks at Kojiro) And I never want her to know.
Kojiro: Why not?
James: I just don't, Okay? She's already made it clear to me that I am the absolute follower of the devil for drinking. What do you think she would do if she found out about this?
Kojiro: I don't know.
James: She'd kill me.
Kojiro: I see. Why do you still have all this stuff?
James: I… (Starts crying)
Kojiro: You what?
James: I still do it.
Kojiro: WHAT? Do you know how DANGEROUS it is?
James: (Looks up) How do you think I feel, Koji?! I've been trying to come clean since GKW! I'm too screwed up to quit, and I still try. (Pulls out the M encyclopedia and goes to the entry "Marijuana". There are dried leaves in it.) It's weird, my dad still hasn't figured out where I kept this stuff. (Puts three leaves in a piece of paper and rolls it up.) You see, Koji, it's all a matter of choice. You live what you choose. It's so unfair, I'm rich, I have girls screaming over me, and I'm the unhappiest person in the world. And it's all because of this thing. (Sticks the end in his mouth)
Kojiro: Please don't do that, James. You can stop! I'll help you!
James: (With the joint still in his mouth) You just concentrate on yourself now. Go ahead and join a band. I just have bad luck in choosing the right band. And if I ever see you with any kind of drug, I'm serious I'm going to tear one of the strings off my guitar and string you off the balcony. (Lights the end and takes a drag. As he talks, he lets the smoke run out of his mouth.) Don't turn into me, Koji. You're still clean, and you're young too.
Kojiro: You're only 23!
James: I might be able to stop, Koji. But not now. Cheers to you. (Takes another drag.)
Kojiro: (Runs out of James' apartment to tell Jessie the information she needs to know.)
Part 21
James: I can't believe it's come to this. (Takes another drag of his joint) I was hoping I could quit you. I guess I just have absolutely no will. My dad was right. (Reads his letter)
Dear James,
I've already made it quite clear how disappointed I am at you. Doesn't it make any sense to you that I've tried as hard as I can to help you? And you just push me away. It really hurts me that the only way I ever see you is if I turn on my TV set! If you'll just talk to me, I'm sure we can work things out if you just try. But you don't try. Please answer, we'd love to hear from you.
Love, Your Dad
James: (Starts crying) No you wouldn't! I'm still a failure! I've always been a failure and I'll always be a failure! (Takes a long, focused drag of his joint, at which time he becomes incredibly high and gets up) I… I gotta do something! What if… what if Jessie finds out about! (Takes another drag, then four quick puffs, and falls on his bed) Oh God.
Jessie: (Walking up the stairs)
James: (Listening) That little shit! He ratted on me! (Extinguishes joint, goes into the main room and locks the door to his room.
Jessie: JAMES!
James: What?
Jessie: I need to talk to you.
James: What?
Jessie: It's not about what Kojiro told me… just so you know… I already knew all of that all along.
James: Oh…
Jessie: Well, alcohol, drugs, they just seem to fit you. But I'm wondering… what do you expect out of our relationship?
James: I don't know.
Jessie: I want out.
James: Wha… what?
Jessie: I can't handle this anymore. You don't ever seem to care, and I don't think I do either. I'm leaving you.
James: (Looks down) OK.
Jessie: You understand, right?
James: Yup. Some damn Rocketshipper emailed JC a mad letter and she's getting her back by making us break up.
Jessie: Bingo.
James: I hate Rocketshippers. They annoy the hell out of me.
Jessie: All of them?
James: Naw… only the ones who try to change the minds of people who aren't shippers.
Jessie: Yeah.
(Writer's Note -- Yes, this happened. Some Rocketshipper emailed me several emails about how wrong I am for not being a Rocketshipper. She was mostly mad at the homosexual pictures of James in the JFAA. It's not that they don't like it, it's that they preach Rocketshipperdom and try to make me change my opinion by widdling down my confidence in my own opinions. Just so you know, if anyone ever tries changing my opinions, they are automatically on my wrong side. So watch it.)
In the other room.
Kojiro: (Playing with toy airplanes and a science volcano, talking purposely like a moron.) Why, look at this! It's the middle of WWII and it looks like them damn blasted Americans are looking for a fight! (Switches planes and voices) I thought they wanted to stay out of this one! (Switches again) Oh, of course they want to fight! They always do! Think about Vietnam! (Switches) You moron! Vietnam hasn't happened yet! (Switches) Well SO RRY! Kojiro got an F in History! (Flies both planes over the volcano and switches again) Hello Pearl Harbor! You want to have a good time! (Picks up one of the dolls he had resting against the volcano and makes a high, squeaky voice) Hi buddies! We would love to have a good time! It doesn't matter that you are carrying weapons and everything! We can handle that, we're invincible Americans! (Switches back to his plane) HAHAHA! Buh bye Hawaiian scumbags! (Rams planes into volcano) HAHAHA!!! (Switches to a different voice and holds up a different doll) This is the president of the United States. I regret to inform you all that Japa-in has attacked America. We now declare waur on the country of Japa-in. (Switches to a different doll) Well this is the emperor of Japan, and you can kiss my Asian ass for all I care! (Switches back) But, wait! I did not have sexual relations with… (Switches to another voice) Wait a second! That doesn't happen yet! (Switches) That's right! Because this entire story was mixed around by none other than some blue-headed deranged teenager who pretends to be a citizen to evade the INS so he doesn't get deported! Again! BWAAAAAAAA!!!!! (Jumps on the entire set and starts rolling around, fighting with the president, the emperor, and any other characters he concocted in his retarded dreams)
Brock: When was the last time you had a CAT-scan?
Kojiro: I don't know.
Gary: You should get one.
Brock: I'm leaving. This could get ugly.
Kojiro: (Stands on top of the entire setup) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SUPERJIRO RULES THE WORLD! OR AT LEAST HAWAII!
Jessie: Riiiiggghhhttt… I don't think I'm going to even ask.
Giovanni: (Smoking a joint) Mmmmmm…
Jessie: (Pulls the joint out of Giovanni's mouth)
Giovanni: Did you know that this is completely legal? I have glaucoma.
Jessie: Oh… OK… (Puts joint back in Giovanni's mouth)
Giovanni: I need to go. I have church choir.
James: (Runs in) WAIT! GIOVANNI!
Giovanni: Yes?
James: (Pants) Where do you get your pot?
Jessie: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
James: SHUT UP JESSIE! Giovanni, I'll give you all mine.
Giovanni: What?
James: I'll probably go through withdrawals for 50 years, but I'll stop. (Looks at Jessie) YOU SEE?
Kojiro: (With his planes) WoooooooooooooBLAM! (Rams his airplanes into "Hawaii".)
James: (Picks up the phone and dials)
Voice: Hello, Promise Residence.
James: Well, if it isn't the Old Prince himself!
Voice: J… J…
James: Jay…
Voice: J… Jay…
James: Ms.
Voice: J… Jay… James?
James: That's right. You know how you said you would help me when I needed it?
Voice: You don't need bail money, do you?
James: NO! I don't need any cash at all, actually.
Voice: Well… what do you need?
James: Just… you.
Part 22
James: Jessie?
Jessie: Yes?
James: I do love you.
Jessie: (Comes in) You blew it.
James: I know. I just… wanted you to know that. And… (Starts crying)
Jessie: Would you just
James: JUST SHUT UP!
Jessie: (Smacks James across the face)
James: (Gets up and runs out.)
Later on James: I'm glad you came, Dad.
James' Dad: Sure. I'm glad you let me come over.
James: I guess.
James' Dad: Are you mad at me? I've missed you so much, and you didn't even call to say you wouldn't call!
James: I'm not mad at you. I was never mad at you.
James' Dad: (Gets a tear in his eye) Then… what's going on?
James: I was embarrassed. I wanted to straighten myself out before talking to you.
James' Dad: Oh. And are you?
James: As far as I know.
James' Dad: Oh, yeah, that's reassuring.
(In the other room)
Jessie: I can't believe this! I even try taking him back!
Brock: You really hurt him, Jessie.
Jessie: I hit him! He'll heal, think about his job! He gets hurt all the time, and he still does it!
Kojiro: He likes being a Pokemon breeder, let him do what he wants.
Brock: That's not the hurt I mean, Jess. You didn't even let him recover, do you know how rotten that is?
Kojiro: Yes! I know for a fact he's been trying to stop!
Brock: My advice is to go find someone else and get over him! He's probably already happily gotten over you.
Jessie: (Looks down, sadly) You think so?
Brock: I know so.
Kojiro: Hello Mr. Promise! Do you have any cows?
Jim (James' Dad): No… I don't. (To James) He's a little weird, isn't he.
James: You have no idea.
Jessie: (Comes in) Oh… Hi James.
James: Oh. Hi Jessica.
Both: (Look at each other with looks of mock-hate)
Jim: Stop it or I'll hit you.
James: Sorry sir.
Brock: You seem to have quite a grudge…
James: Wouldn't you?
Brock: (Whispering) I know how you can revenge.
James: I'm listening…
(Both leave and go to James' apartment.)
Brock: We'll need your dad, Kojiro, and about a three-dozen well-trained Dittos.
James: Huh?
Brock: This is going to be really funny.
(In the next room)
Kojiro: Jessie?
Jessie: What?
Kojiro: Do you really love James?
Jessie: With all my heart.
Kojiro: Then why did you do that to him?
Jessie: I guess I was scared for him. I don't want him to turn out as bad as he's heading.
Kojiro: And you want him back?
Jessie: Of course.
Kojiro: He's giving you a chance.
Jessie: Really? Where is he?
Kojiro: C'mon in guys!
(A whole ton of James' come in)
Kojiro: Most of these are Ditto, but one is really him. If you really love him, you'll be able to tell the difference.
Jessie: This isn't hard. All I need to do is ask them to talk! Dittos can't talk.
All the James': Really?
Jessie: Oh shit.
One James: I'm a good trainer, Jess.
Another James: Did you really think my Dittos would be little crappy ones?
Another James: Or did you think I was stoned when I trained them?
Jessie: (Looks straight into one's eyes) What am I going to do? (Looks at another one) He has blue eyes. That's not him, James has green eyes.
Jim: Well, that's one out of 37.
Kojiro: James, I don't think she'll get it.
Another James: Just try. Guess if you need to.
Jessie: I… I don't think I can.
Jim: Go ahead and try. No… pressure.
Brock: Go on, I don't have all day.
Jessie: (Looks at each one, then stays right next to one) This is him.
Jim: Are you sure?
Jessie: Pretty… pretty sure. (Touches James in the back of the neck. James turns into a Ditto.)
Ditto: Ditto!
Jessie: (Gets on her knees) Oh no.
Kojiro: Take another chance.
Jessie: I don't deserve another chance. I kept accusing him of everything, only to cover up my own mistakes.
Kojiro: Really?
Jessie: Yes.
Kojiro: What did you do?
Jessie: Since James is here somewhere, I might as well say this. I've been cheating on you. I've been using you just to look good. I really like you… but… It's hard to explain. Kojiro: Still… take one more chance. This is your last chance, make it a good one. And look hard.
(Jessie looks as hard as she can at all the James', but can't tell the difference. They all look sad, and they all look the same.)
Jessie: I can't. I'll… I'll just pick one. You?
Chosen James: (Shakes his head) I'm sorry Jessie. (Turns into a Ditto)
(The real James starts crying. None of the other look-alikes do, they just stare at him.)
Jessie: Kojiro… why are you so sad?
James: (The real James) I hate doing this! I'm James. Not Kojiro, this is a fake accent, I was seeing if you really cared about me… but I guess not. Goodbye Jessie.
Jessie: WAIT!
James: Just go away! Find someone else! I don't want you anymore! I gave you the second chance crap as a joke!
Jessie: But…
Part 23
James: (Runs into his room and starts to cry, He looks at the half-used joint in his "garden," and takes it out) I'm screwed up enough already. (Looks at his closet, and sighs) I guess… well… (Walks over to his closet, and pulls out a box. He brings it to his bed and opens it. Inside are 20 hypodermic needles. He pulls one out, and takes off the protective covering)
Later
Cassidy: (Is in Brock's apartment, sitting on the couch, kissing Brock in the face.)
Butch: (Comes in) CASSIDY???
Cassidy: BUTCH! I CAN EXPLAIN!
Butch: (Runs out. He almost colides with Jessie, who has tears streaming down her face) What's wrong, Jess?
Jessie: James is gone.
Jim: (Is standing in the hospital room's doorway, his hand over his forehead. He obviously has been crying.)
Butch: (Walks in) Oh, James. Jim… I…
Jim: I just lost my dad… not my son too… oh God please no…
Butch: What happened?
Jim: Look at his left arm.
Butch: (Picks up James' arm. It is covered in red dots.) Oh my…
Jim: He's been doing drugs. He's… (Sobs) He's never used so much… he would've handled it.
Butch: Oh James. I… don't know what to say in this situation.
Jim: (Gets a tear in his eye) Goodbye.
Butch: He's not dead yet… so there's still a chance, right? There has to be a chance!
Jim: The doctors tell me so, but I can see it in their eyes. I just lost my only son. I was hoping I'd never have to go through this again… not since Heather. Not since Dad. I was hoping he'd outlive me… by a longshot or more.
Butch: (Starts crying)
Jim: It's OK. Just… It's OK.
Butch: What happened to them?
Jim: To whom?
Butch: Heather and your Dad.
Jim: Heather was my wife. She died in a car accident when James was only three. My Dad died the same way as James.
Butch: Drugs?
Jim: Drugs. Hypodermic needles. And the worst part is… (Sniffs) James didn't get to see him. He doesn't even know what happened.
Butch: So it's like a family thing.
Jim: Uh huh. I too have done drugs before… but only once. It didn't do anything for me. I guess James just couldn't find another way. (Sobs) I need to go think. It was nice to have met you, Butch. (leaves)
Butch: (Holds James' hand in his own) Oh, James. Why do you have to leave us. You're only 23. That's too young, you still have your Poke'mon breeding career, and you need to fall in love, and get married, and… (sigh) James, before you go, I need to tell you a few things. You've been my only real friend since I moved to New Holstein. It didn't matter that you made fun of me, or insulted me, you were still my friend. (Gets a tear in his eye) And I love you. Please don't leave us.
James: (Starts moving)
Butch: James? JAMES???
James: (Groans as if uncomfortable) That better have not been a pass, Butch.
Butch: JAMES!!! YOU'RE ALIVE! (Jumps on James and hugs him)
James: Yeah, yeah, (Pats Butch on the back) I love you too… but not in any romantic concept or anything…
Butch: Of course not.
James: I'm saving myself for Brock.
Butch: (Laughs) He's taken by my ex-girlfriend.
James: Ash? (Smiles and looks at his arm) Good lord, what the hell was I thinking? (Falls back on the bed) Why did I put myself through that.
Butch: Your Dad isn't taking it that well either.
James: Oh God.
Jim: (Out in the hallway with Cassidy) He's in there.
Cassidy: Is… is it bad?
Jim: (Closes his eyes) I'd rather not talk about it.
Part 24
Quill: (In her room with Kojiro) Moron yellowjacket?
Kojiro: Where the heck did that come from?
Quill: I don't know…
Kojiro: Your fics suck.
Quill: Ya think?
Jim: (Picks up the telephone and dials)
Quill: (Hears the phone ring and picks up) Hello, Xarxes residence, Quill speaking.
Jim: Hi Quill. What's up?
Quill: The ceiling. Other than that not much.
Jim: That's nice.
Quill: How are you?
Jim: Not… not good.
Quill: What's wrong?
Jim: James is in the hospital. He had a severe drug overdose… and I don't think he's going to wake up.
Meanwhile, in the hospital room
James and Butch: (Are making hot, passionate love in James' hospital bed)
James: WHAT???
Butch: WE ARE NOT!
(Or they're having a "moment" I forget which is which.)
James: Yes, we're having a "moment" of male bonding, that's completely normal, and there's nothing wrong with it.
(They're gay on each other.)
Butch: ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT! I'M KILLING THAT NARRATOR!
James: SINCE I'M UNAVOIDABLY DETAINED RIGHT NOW, I CAN'T! BUT I'LL HAVE A LOT OF FUN WATCHING YOU DO IT!
(See?)
Quill: No...
Jim: Uh huh. It's… (Shuts eyes) It's my fault… I should've been watching him.
Quill: Don't blame it on yourself. It isn't your fault.
Jim: Yes it is. I killed my son.
(Oh you shut up.)
James: (Standing on a chair looking around) I'LL FIND YOU! YOU'LL SEE!
(James, do you feel a draft from behind?)
James: (Looks down) I don't have any clothes on, do I?
(Butch, is your nose bleeding?)
Butch: (Covers his eyes) James, just get back in bed, I'll leave. OK?
James: OK. I need to sleep. (Gets back in bed, therefore unexposing his (ahem) himself…) Bye, Butch.
Butch: I'll see you.
Jim: (Still talking to Quill) Is Kojiro there?
Quill: Just a second. HEY! MORON YELLOWJACKET!
Jim: (Lipspeaking) Moron yellowjacket???
Kojiro: Hello.
Quill: (Walks away, stunned.)
(Jim and Kojiro talk for a while, Kojiro's eyes widening with what he hears)
Kojiro: Oh… oh no…
Later on, Quill and Kojiro are talking
Kojiro: Oh… oh my God this isn't happening…
Quill: It'll be OK. It'll… be OK.
Kojiro: That's easy for you to say, he doesn't look exactly like you. What if I end up fainting at the funeral?
Quill: Don't talk about that, please.
Kojiro: I won't. (Starts crying.) I miss him already.
Quill: I do to. (Starts crying.)
Kojiro: It's like losing a brother, Quill!
Quill: Same for me! I've known him since I was 12!
(Meanwhile, of course, James is having hot fantasies about Butch, and is in fact alive.)
James: (Pulls out a gun) If you have any sense, you won't make any more jokes, got it?
(Got it.)
James: Good.
Butch: (Comes in)
(Well, well, well, it looks like it's time for)
James: (Taps his gun)
(Sorry.)
Butch: Are you feeling better?
James: If you brought me a fruit basket, leave right now.
Butch: Huh?
James: Just… nevermind.
Butch: (Sits down) I miss Cassidy already.
James: I stopped missing Jessie. I guess it's just… how it goes. I'd better find a girlfriend soon though, I guess I just can't be left alone.
Butch: Do you need something to drink?
James: Anything alchoholic. Oh, wait, we're in a hospital (Smiles).
Butch: I could probably get a Dr. Pepper.
James: Could you please?
Butch: (Goes away, and comes back with some sodas) Here ya go.
James: Thanks. I really wish I hadn't done that.
Butch: I wish you hadn't either. You're still young. That would just… (Sigh)
James: I'm wondering, how old are you?
Butch: I'm 18.
James: (Spits soda out) EIGHTEEN??? You're EIGHTEEN???
Butch: Yes… why?
James: For Godsake, you're the same age as Kojiro!
Butch: (Looks down) What's wrong with that?
James: There's nothing wrong with it… I just thought you were older…
Butch: Like… how old…?
James: I thought you were at least in your twenties.
Butch: Oh. Sorry.
James: Don't say sorry, age doesn't matter. (Takes a sip of soda) You're just mature for your age.
Butch: It's one of the reasons Cassidy dumped me.
James: There was no official "dumping."
Butch: I just told her how old I am last night. She's 21, it had to be one of the reasons.
James: You should just aim lower. That'll help.
Butch: Have you ever went out with someone older than you?
James: I went out with a woman who was 5 years older than me. She thought I was really sweet, until I almost knocked her up and she found out how old I was.
Butch: You almost knocked someone up?
James: Yup. I was 13 years old, and she was 18. She miscarried, thank God. But, of course, I never saw her again.
Butch: Oh.
James: (Takes another sip of soda) I could have pretty good luck with women, just look online, they adore me! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Butch: I'll probably never find anyone. I'm a failure, I tried out for the part of James, but NO! I end up in only three epidodes! I'm going to end up on the street.
James: Don't you ever say that. You have tons of fans, you just don't know it. You need self-esteem, boy. Just go out on a blind date or something, you'll find someone. That's what I'm planning to do right when I get out of this hospital.
Butch: Easy for you to say, I haven't gotten mail in days. Just this morning, you got a whole bag of it. And it had about 40 interview requests.
James: I don't open interview requests anymore, seriously. They all ask the same question.
Butch: What?
James: Excuse me, James? I was wondering, is your hair blue or purple?
Butch: Which is it?
James: It's blonde, I dye it. Of course, my dye never turns out the same.
Butch: I'm still never going to find anyone.
James: Yes you will. (Leans over and kisses Butch on the forehead)
(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE PROOF IN WRITING!)
James: (Looks at the parenthesis dude) YOU MORON! GET OUT!
(KISSY KISSY!)
Butch: This isn't funny.
James: THAT WAS A MALE-BONDING SEQUENCE, I WAS GIVING HIM ADVICE!!! HOW CAN YOU MIX THAT UP YOU BACKSTABBING YELLOWJACKET!
(I stabbed you in the front)
James: (Shoots)
(Gaaaaaaackkkkt… buaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……. GlaaaiiiiidahasjfskldajfL!!!! @*^$*@^Q$#@~~~~~X(