I See You Chapter 1: I See You - Jay's POV, a chicago pd fanfic

Set in that horrid time Linstead broke up in season two. Man, if only we knew what we would be dealing with now.

By the time seven o'clock rolled around, Jay Halstead had never been more ready for the weekend. It had been a long, demanding, and busy week in the unit. His body, torn and bruised, still ached from the scuffle he had gotten into with one of the suspects from a major sex trafficking bust the unit had closed down just two days prior. And his heart… well it still ached from his and Erin's split earlier that week.

When Voight finally gives the all clear, he shuts down his computer and grabs his jacket off the back of his chair. He makes his way down the stairs, out of the bullpen before anyone could say anything to him. Atwater and Ruzek had been trying to get him to come out all week long after shift, but he refused, with a new excuse every time. He was running out of excuses. He didn't really know how else to say "I just want to drown my sorrows in Chinese food, have a few beers and pass out" rather than seeing everyone at Mollies… Erin included.

It had been how he spent every night since his and Erin's break up, and things were going just fine the way they were. This way, he wasn't around her and he didn't have the constant reminder that she was no longer his. At least until his mind wanders and he realizes that this was exactly how he and Erin had spent all their time together, since they hadn't been able to go out like a real couple. Not that he complained at the time, because he loved the one on one time with her.

He had just sat down with his Chinese food was only ten minutes into the Blackhawks game when an annoying, but persistent knock came from his door.

He groans, and debates ignoring it, but he knew that wasn't an option when the knocking only got louder. He had neighbors, and he didn't want them to suffer just because he was.

"HALSTEAD OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR BEFORE I KICK IT DOWN." A voice barks from the other side, and Jay rolls his eyes as he pushes himself up off his couch. He pauses the game and makes his way to the door. He doesn't bother checking the peephole before swinging it open.

"What in the hell do you want Ruzek?" He barks back, rather annoyed. He knew his tone was a bit harsh when he saw Atwater raise an eyebrow at him, but continued to wait for an answer. Antonio stood behind Adam, along with Kevin, running his hand down his face.

Ruzek pushes past Jay and walks further in the apartment, and Jay sighs. He steps back and allows Atwater and Dawson to follow in, and they do so quietly, before Jay shuts the door and turns back to Adam. "I'm waiting Ruzek."

"No," Adam chuckles sarcastically, turning to see Jay's Chinese food and beer waiting on the coffee table. "You're not doing this."

"Doing what? I'm eating dinner." Jay defends himself quickly to which Adam raises an eyebrow and scoffs. Antonio takes this time to step forward, saving Adam from the rath he knew he would soon get from pissing off an already bitter Jay.

"We don't like seeing you like this man." Antonio starts, but Jay cuts him off.

"Like what?"

"So broken…" he pauses and Jay glances up to Adam and Kevin. They both have the same worried look on their faces. "Jay we're not stupid. We all know what was going on with you and Erin."

Jay opens his mouth to speak but Atwater shakes his head.

"He's right Jay, you'd have to be blind not to see it. We've all known for a while, and we tried our damnest to keep Voight away from you guys, but it wasn't always possible. We honestly didn't care what you guys did, as long as you were both happy and it didn't put you two in danger at work. But it's clear you're not happy, which leads us to believe something is wrong."

The room remains silent and having calmed down, Adam speaks up again. "Something happened didn't it?"

To that, Jay just shrugs. "Yeah, she picked Voight. Simple as that."

The three detectives share a look, not entirely shocked by what Jay had just said. They all figured just as much. Jay runs a hand over his face in frustration.

"Alright look, we're going out tonight."

"No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm finishing my food, drinking a few beers then I'm going to bed. It's been a long week and no offense, but you three aren't exactly the company I was hoping for when I opened my door."

"That's exactly why we're doing this man." Adam says stepping forward and resting a hand on Jay's shoulder. Jay glances to his hand before shooting a glare to Adam. He quickly removes his hand.

"Come on Halstead," Antonio says, always being the voice of reason between the group. "It's only fair. You three beat down my door at 1 am after Laura left me and forced me to go out with you guys. It's only fair I return the favor."

Jay just sighs. It didn't look like he had much of a choice here.

Roll in the bar, me and my crew
their little plan to get me over you
they're hookin' me up, yeah
Buyin' me drinks
With a thousand girls
There's just one thing

Twenty minutes later, the four of them walk into Mollie's and were met by a very packed crowd. Jay, Antonio and Adam manage to make their way over to an empty table while Kevin heads to the bar. First round was on him, apparently.

"Look man," Adam leans forward, so that Jay could hear him over the roar of the crowd. "I know you hate us right now for dragging you out of what seemed like a very entertaining night, but try and have some fun tonight alright?"

Jay rolls his eyes, but nods none the less. This was the last place he wanted to be, and he knew he wasn't going to have an ounce of fun, so he just humored him. The only reason he really agreed was the free drinks. He had a six pack back home, but he figured he could hit something a little harder here – at the guy's expense. That was enough to pull him out of his place.

Soon Atwater approaches with their drinks and without a word, Jay reaches for a glass and swallows it in one gulp. He slams it on the table and points to the tray. Atwater raises an eyebrow and shakes his head, offering Jay another glass.

He takes it, and much like the first glass, it's gone all too soon. Much to his disappointment, it does nothing to ease the ache in his chest.

I can't go anywhere, I can't do anything
No, I can't close my eyes without you in my dreams
You won't leave me alone, even though I know you're gone
I look around for someone new, but I see you
Jumpin' up there with the band
Takin' me by the hand
Hey boy, come dance with me
Stuck like a melody
In my head, in the bed of my truck
By the light of the midnight moon
Baby, I see you

An hour later, Jay sits at the table still. He was nursing his third drink of the night, having slowed down, while Antonio had stepped out to take a call from his now ex wife. Ruzek was at the bar getting another round while Atwater was talking to some girl a few tables over.

He was focused on the drink in front of him as Adam joins him once again. He sits a new glass in front of Jay and Jay glances up at him, raising an eyebrow. "Ruzek, are you trying to get me drunk? Because it doesn't matter how much alcohol I have in my system, you are not my type."

Adam chuckles. "Ha-ha. I'm just trying to help my best friend forget all about the girl who broke his heart."

"She didn't break my heart." Jay snaps, causing Ruzek to hold his hands up in defense. "We both decided this was for the best. There wasn't a way for us to be together and both of us stay in Intelligence. The unit means too much to us both. So we decided to end it before one of us got too attached and hurt."

"Too late…" Adam mumbles, causing Jay's head to snap up

"What was that?"

"Uh nothing," Adam rambles quickly. Jay starts to speak, but much to his luck, Antonio walks back to the table.

"Sorry guys," He says taking the seat next to Adam. "Had to work the plans out for next weekend. How's it going here?" He asks glancing to Jay, who was now busy doing something on his phone, before looking back to Ruzek.

He simply sighs, shrugging his shoulders, before bringing his own glass up and downing it in two gulps.

Don't know what you did, but you done it good
You don't know how bad that I wish I could
Delete you from my phone, find a girl and take her home
But there's just one thing wrong

Yet another hour had passed, and Jay was miserable. He knew what his friends were trying to do, and he really did appreciate it, but he would much rather be at home in his bed than be here.

He had long given up the alcohol, just after finishing his third. It wasn't having the affect that he had hoped for, in fact, it had only made him feel more miserable.

He just missed her so damn much.

He was only half listening to the conversation between Adam, Kevin and Antonio as he scrolled through his phone in an attempt to occupy himself.

Just another thirty minutes and he could bail out of this horrid night.

Jay had been so wrapped up in scrolling through the contacts in his phone that he hadn't noticed the young blonde sitting at the bar watching him intently.

Adam, on the other hand, took notice right away. He glances up to find Jay still staring down at his phone, and nudges Antonio next to him. The two glance toward the bar and Atwater's gaze follows theirs. The three exchange a sly grin and suddenly Adam pushes himself up from the table.

"Hey guys, I'm going to go call Kim. I'll be right back." Atwater and Antonio both nod their head as Adam walks off toward the exit of the bar.

"Yeah, I'm going to go get another drink." Atwater says, following Adam's lead and standing up.

"I'll go with you," Antonio says pushing himself up as well. "I need to talk to Gabby about something." And with that, they were gone. Not that Jay had noticed.

Instead, he was staring at his phone. Erin's contact information was pulled up and his thumb was hovering over the delete button.

He knew it was stupid, he couldn't avoid her forever. She was his partner after all, but right now he wasn't thinking with that logic. He was thinking with his aching heart.

"Hey there."

His head snaps up instantly to the same young blonde that had been staring at him. She was pretty cute, with dirty blonde hair and bright green eyes. She looked to be about mid to late twenties and her smile was bright.

"Uh, hey." He says, awkwardly. He wasn't really in the mood to be doing this right now.

She moves to sit in the chair across from him and he raises an eyebrow at her in return. She doesn't notice and only smiles at him. "I'm Kylie."

"Kylie," He repeats, smiling slightly. "I'm Jay."

"Nice to meet you." She giggles. "Look, I'm sorry if this comes off wrong, but I've been watching you the last couple of hours, and you seem so sad. Is everything ok?"

Was this girl serious? Did she honestly think he was going to open up to her after meeting her in a bar and knowing her for a whole 2 minutes?

"Uh," He chuckles, awkwardly. "Yeah, I'm fine."

This time, she laughs. He raises an eyebrow at her in question. "You're not ok. I know that look – who was she? What did she do?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's clear some girl broke your heart."

Jay didn't know what to say to that, so he stays silent and glances back down at his phone. The delete option was still pulled up on Erin's name and he exits out, saving her number before shutting his phone and stuffing it back in his pocket.

"Look, you're hurt. I get that. I'm just suggesting that maybe you and I could get out of here, and I could help you forget about her. It doesn't have to mean anything – just something to keep your mind off of it, even if just for a little while."

And that was all Jay needed to hear. Could he seriously take this girl up on her offer, take her back to his apartment, and hook up with her? Sure, he could do that, but it wasn't going to help him any. He wasn't going to forget about Erin with just a random hook up.

The old Jay would have jumped at the opportunity, but not this version of himself. He had changed, and he thanked the heavens every day for the number Erin had done over on him in their short amount of time together.

Sleeping with this woman, it wasn't going to take the ache away.

If anything, it would only make him miss Erin even more.

"Look Kylie," Jay says pushing himself up from the table. "I'm sure you're a nice girl, but I can't do this. I'm sorry." And with that, he pushes his way through the crowd, leaving Kylie behind alone and confused.

Jay bumps shoulders with Adam forcefully as he approaches the door, before making his way out the door and into the cold Chicago air.

Outside the bar, he glances around, taking in the quiet night. The roads were clear for a Friday night, given that most of the block was inside Mollies. Only a few cars passed by and he decided against calling a cab, and set out to walk home.

It probably wasn't the best idea, given that it was after 1 AM but he didn't care. He knew he could defend himself on a good day. If anyone tried to mess with him right now, Lord only knows they would get twice the amount of hurt.

After a good thirty minute walk, Jay finally reaches his apartment building and he heads inside, heading straight for the elevator. Once inside, he stands with his back against the back wall and closes his eyes until he hears the beep that signals he had reached his floor.

He reluctantly pushes himself off the back wall, steps out of the elevator and makes his way to his apartment door. He unlocks it and goes inside, kicking off his boots and his jacket at the doorway. He makes his way further into the apartment, by passing his now cold Chinese food on the coffee table and heads straight to the bedroom.

He throws his wallet and keys on the dresser along with his phone before heading toward the bathroom. He hastily reaches up and yanks his shirt over his head as he flips the light on and makes his way straight to the shower. He turns it on the highest it will go and steps back, waiting for it to warm up.

His eyes briefly find himself in the mirror and he grimaces at the hollow shell of himself that stares back at him. Just five days ago, he had the girl of his dreams and he was happy. Now, he was the most miserable he had ever been in his life.

He doesn't dwell on it for long, stripping the rest of his clothes off and stepping into the shower. He stands directly under the water, letting the hot water hit him directly. This numbs him, taking his mind off of his current situation.

He put up this front in front of everyone that he was just bitter over his break up with Erin, but in reality, he truly wasn't angry, he was heartbroken.

They only had a month together, but he knew he was well on his way to being in love with her. He had never felt anything like he did when he was with her.

Ever.

When the scalding hot water turns cold, he shuts the faucet off and reaches out for a towel. He wraps it around his waist and makes his way to the sink to brush his teeth. When he was done, he shuts the bathroom light off and makes his way into the bedroom.

He lets the towel fall to the floor and slips on a pair of sweatpants before climbing into his bed. He doesn't bother shutting the lamp off; he was out instantly as his long week caught up with him.

Your lips, your eyes
Girl, since you told me goodbye

Hank had already sent everyone home for the evening, but that still didn't keep Jay from glancing behind him to make sure nobody was following him when he enters the locker room. He makes his way across the room until he reaches the row of lockers where he knew he would find her. Sure enough, there she was.

He sighs, shaking his head as she glances to him. "Voight knows."

"I know," She replies, just barely.

He rests his hand on the side of the locker, leaning against it slightly. "For the record, I don't care. I said we should come clean a month ago and I'm going to go talk to him right now." He doesn't leave her much time to think as he turns to walk away.

"Jay," She shrieks, reaching out to grab his hand. He turns back to face her and by the look on her face, he knows where this is headed.

"I wish it was that easy, but you know it's different for me." She starts, her eyes glued to him. The look on her face told him this was killing her, and honestly, it was killing him too.

He looks down; wiling himself to not be upset by this. He knew it would happen eventually, but he can't help but feel like someone is stabbing him directly in the heart.

He really felt something for her, and it wasn't fair that they would never get a full chance to be the amazing couple he knew they could be. She couldn't choose between him and Voight, the man who had raised her, and he couldn't ask that of her. He wouldn't ask that of her.

It wasn't fair to her.

He struggles to find the words to say but eventually manages to pull himself back together. "I understand." And he did. He knew when it came down to either him or Voight, she would always pick Voight. He couldn't blame her, he really couldn't. Voight had saved her, and done so much for her over the years.

Jay just wished this wasn't hurting him so badly.

He reaches out to her, cupping her face in his hand. She was fighting the urge to cry herself as she reaches up and cups his hand before glancing back up to him.

"So, we'll cool it." He mumbles, trying to keep his voice from cracking, but failing miserably. She gives him a look, letting him know that she had heard it. He knew that she knew he was miserable in this moment. He knew without a doubt, she was miserable as well. He continues. "But we'll always have each other's back."

She nods, her hand still tightly gripping his hand, which was now resting on her shoulder. "Always."

"Alright, that's good enough for now." He tells her, giving her one last look before turning and making his way out of the locker room.

He stops just outside the door to the locker room and rests his back against the cool wall. He leans back, closing his eyes out and letting out a heavy sigh. He hears the sobs coming from inside the locker room and he fights the urge to run back inside and wrap his arms around the girl that he cared about most.

Even with most of the unit gone for the night, it wasn't a good idea. Voight could still walk in at any moment - not that it mattered because he and Erin were no longer together, but he still knew he they would both pay for that immensely.

He hated to hear the sounds of her crying, and he hated the fact that there was nothing he could do to help her. He was just as heartbroken as she was. So instead, he sinks to the ground as tears freely slip down his face.

He knew it was risky, and that Voight could walk up and catch him, but at that moment, he didn't care.

He was hurt, and there was no changing that.

Jay was brutally woken from his slumber by the shrill ring of his cell phone, but he had never been more thankful in that moment. He had been having nightmares of that night since the day they happened. He doubted he would ever sleep again without feeling the pain.

The shrill ringing continues and he groans, pushing the comforter back and climbing out of bed. He makes his way across his dimly lit bedroom to the dresser where his cell phone sat.

He glances up, catching the time on the clock hanging on his wall.

3 AM.

Who in the hell was calling him at 3 AM?

His heart practically stopped beating when he saw the name flashing on the screen.

Erin.

He doesn't think twice before answering it and bringing the phone to his ear. "Er, are you ok?" He asks, his voice filled with panic. It didn't matter whether or not they were together, he would always worry about her. The fact that it was so late, he knew something was up. She didn't do this.

There was sniffling from the other side of the line and his heart broke even more when he heard how broken she sounded. "Come over."