Chapter 1: The Raven in the Box
A/N: An idea I've been in love with for a long time; the character user guides and manual fics. Inspired by several of these, mostly the one by Wicked Enough, I have decided to expand on the idea of "owning" a fictional character by writing about the user's (my) experience with the "product", that being my favourite bishonen and torture victim, Uchiha Sasuke.
I am a pathetic human being.
My package arrived today, how exciting. No, scratch that. I'm fucking terrified. I found this ominous Japanese website where you can order androids programmed and designed to look and act just like your favourite anime characters, and they were fifty per cent off. Being the rabid fangirl I am, I ordered the Shippuden Edition UCHIHA SASUKE unit without a second thought. Now that I think about, I might come to regret this.
This is going to be so weird, living with the embodiment of my anime crush. After all the Naruto episodes I've watched and fanfictions I've read, I'm practically his stalker. I felt sorry for whatever it is in the large box in front of me, even if it is just a machine. Living with a fangirl has got to be a fate worse than death.
Before I ordered this I couldn't decide between the original or Shippuden editions of the UCHIHA SASUKE unit. I had a choice between practicality being the "big sister" of cute little emo twelve-year-old Sasuke or "owning" the revenge-crazed fifteen-year-old Sasuke. I didn't want to feel too much like a creep so I settled for the Shippuden version, which is only a year younger than I am. Wait. It's not like I'm going to try anything on him! I may be a fangirl but even I have standards, well at least I think I do. Besides, the translated user manual I recieved seemed kinda suggestive. It has instructions for making pairings, slash modes and strip-searches of all things.
I started shaking. I thought I was going to have a seizure but I didn't know if it was fangirling or fear of being death-glared by those infamous eyes. Bonus points if they're Sharingan.
Fuck it, let's get this over with before I die of dramatic suspense.
It took only five seconds to claw through a nearly six-foot-tall cardboard box and fifteen layers of bubble wrap (I'll play with that later). I could clearly see the outline of the unit behind one final layer of plastic covering. I carefully tore it off and...
*dramatic pause*
...holy sweet and sour Jesus, he looked so real! I was expecting him to look exactly like he did in the anime, but he looked more...human. The unconsious humanoid in the box lied somewhere in the uncanny valley between anime character and human being, so terrifyingly beautiful. He looks like one of those J-rock guys, minus the makeup and piercings. Even in the (synthetically created) flesh, his hair still somehow defied gravity with that duck-butt tuft on his head.
I spent the next three minutes admiring (or practically eye-raping) my investment before activating it. Through his open shirt, I could see that they even gave him nipples, which I found amusing because the guys in Naruto don't have them drawn on. In fact, most anime don't seem to give men nipples. Sexist, men can have boobs too!
The manual said that to activate him I have to access the panel in his back, but for me to do so I would have to remove his shirt. Those damn manufacturers, they must really love fanservice. This is going to be so awkward, "Sasuke" awakening with his shirt off and me standing behind him. Fuck my life.
Five nanoseconds later and his shirt was already off. Damn, I must be eager. My inner rabid fangirl said that maybe I should take advantage of the fact that he hasn't been activated yet. "Besides, that blue skirt thing would look better off..."
..wait, what? No! I couldn't possibly let myself stoop that low, could I?
*Entering code and settings*
*Language: English*
"UCHIHA SASUKE Unit will activate in ten, nine.."
Yay, it gave me time to run and hide.
"..eight, seven..."
Where are the tomatos?
"..six, five..."
Just play it cool.
"...four, three..."
MY HANDS ARE FLAPPING FUCKING AUTISM STRIKES AGAIN
"...two, one..."
Screw it, I'll hide behind the sofa and see what happens.
Oh crap, I forgot to put his shirt back on!
Finally, the device standing in the box's eyes suddenly snapped open, glaring straight forward. This is going to be very interesting.